NEXT WEEK
Yahoo gives me answers.
AND
You're not even in a restaurant, but you got served.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Lovevember to Remember: Snobbery
NEXT WEEK
Yahoo gives me answers.
AND
You're not even in a restaurant, but you got served.
The Audible: Lilian Garcia's ¡Quiero Vivir!
In October 2007, RAW ring announcer Lilian "The Thrilian" Garcia released ¡Quiero Vivir! onto the world. As Lilian tried to reach out to WWE's large, Spanish-speaking audience with her forceful yet elegant voice, the audience reached back and said, "No, I don't think so. Maybe next time." Why? Perhaps Lilian and Universal Music Latino overestimated the number of fans who enjoy professional wrestling and overproduced pop music from the year 1999. Perhaps the Latinos were to blame, what with their intense love for low riders, Chihuahuas, and Chihuahuas riding low riders. On its first week of release, ¡Quiero Vivir! sold under four thousand copies -- a disappointing number at best. Despite the fact that WWE fans have not and may never take to Lilian Garcia's album, I plan to open up my mind to her musical work.
In preparation for this unique listening experience, I tried to become a worldly individual. Throughout the months of October and November, I ate many foreign foods, such as American apple pies, French fries, and cheese fried by a chef who looked sort of German in the mouth area. In hopes to become one with the Latino people, I visited a local Taco Bell and smelled the sweet Mexican scents of zesty beef and Mountain Dew. Man, they do think outside the bun. While I am not yet fluent in Spanish, I learned that "gato" means cat. Therefore, I guess I am set. Get ready, Lilian Garcia.
For the non-believers, let me tell you that Spanish songs by Lilian Garcia and professional wrestling go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. Undoubtedly, this debut album and I shall be a match made in many heavenly heavens. A long time ago in World Wrestling Entertainment, Lilian Garcia announced, "Making their way to the ring... Lita!" I'm pretty sure that her album will be as great as said announcement. Actually, I'm super sure. If ¡Quiero Vivir! is not as spectacular as that announcement, I will give you my life savings. That's right -- thirty-three cents and a Mason jar of what could have been.
In this installment of The Audible, Lilian Garcia wants to live. And I want to partake in similar activities. Show me how to live and stuff. Show me how to live.
Lilian Garcia breaks free from the chains of not living and decides to live, but in Spanish. Due to her use of exclamation points, she must be enthusiastic in this pursuit. For a song that champions new life and experiences, its sound is fairly derivative. Although ¡Quiero Vivir! is made to get the party started, I did not want to attend this social function in the first place. While Lilian tries her best to be Gloria Estefan, she is but a poor imitation. I am positive that she does not have a Sound Machine that hails from Miami either. As of this moment, I would like to obtain my coat and leave this party, but I forget where I put my coat. Furthermore, I don't know if I brought a coat to this party or thought that I brought one. A song like "¡Quiero Vivir! tends to disorientate its listeners with its blandness. For me, this song makes me question my own existence and ownership of coats.
On a past episode of RAW, Lilian played this wonderful tune for millions of viewers. How did those viewers respond, you ask or think about asking? They reacted with polite applause. In the first stage of this listening session, I do not wish to hate on Lilian, but she is making my job difficult. After all, Lilian often receives unfathomable hatred on a weekly basis from fans and critics alike. What’s the deal? Once in a while, somebody needs to give that horse a carrot or two. Am I right, or am I right, Triple H? As Lilian's face resembles that of a horse, yours is flawless, correct? Oh, Hunter. You and your needless, unwise jokes. Stick it to that evil Lilian. She deserves your sarcastic but hurtful insults for reasons unbeknownst to me. Out of everyone who wants to live, you want to live more. I salute your efforts with my saluting arm.
Triple H must get in on this song and make it better. Is Motorhead the answer? Whenever Triple H gets involved, is Motorhead never not the answer? How much volume does a typical ocean liner displace? Motorhead.
Lilian Garcia channels her inner Avril Lavigne with "Angel," which not an English song. Why do you tease me with your English words and Spanish songs, Lilian? According to this up-tempo, pop-rock song, you speak of an angel who never leaves your side. In English, does "Angel" mean "Ghostly Stalker" by any chance? Even though I may be in the wrong, I do not want the company of any angel, regardless of his or her true intentions. Every time I buy pizza, you know that angel is going to ask in a shy manner if he or she can have a slice. Who am I to deny an angel of pizza? Pan pizza will solve this problem, yet will not suffice my hunger.
Nevertheless, your bait-and-switch techniques are disturbing, Ms. Garcia. You work about ten minutes per week as the RAW ring announcer, then spend the rest of your Monday sitting and doing nothing, but don't take your frustration out on me. I did not create the wrestling announcer job, nor do I agree with the current, minimal duties that your occupation entails. If World Wrestling Entertainment was my company, my ring announcers would introduce matches, build and take apart wrestling rings, set up arena lighting, book matches, train wrestlers, cater, capture the McMahons in a reinforced but roomy cage, and dress everyone. Ring announcers do not get a free pass in my WWE. Truly, they receive no passes. I am not a lenient hall monitor.
This song is an English Angel on the outside, but a Spanish Angel on the inside. False packaging does not impress me.
With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s, contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" but in Spanish. If Lilian Garcia was a Latina Pocahontas, and Jon Secada was an Afro-Cuban John Smith, I bet they could paint with all the colours of the wind to this song. Before I heard this song, I only knew how to paint in black and white. Plus, I find the act of painting with colours of the wind rather difficult. How do I get those wind colours on my paintbrush? Regardless, this is a harmless and uplifting ditty. Hey, Geraldo Disney; I want you to put "Adonde" in your next animated motion picture. In all my years as a professional wrestling analyst who has the ability to hear, I have never listened to a song as Disney-riffic as "Adonde." Where did their love go exactly? Did Jafar take it and turn into a snake to scare a whole bunch of little children, or does Cruella de Vil want to use their lost love to make herself a fashionable coat?
Wherever that love may be, I pray that Lilian and Jon can find it. I know that the two are not actually in love, but I sense some chemistry between them. I'm talking about the type of chemistry that rivals the love between Victoria and Kenny Dykstra, or Vince McMahon and a barking Trish Stratus. Maybe love was never lost in this crazy place we call Earth. Maybe love was in their hearts all along. Fade to black. James Blunt song. To be continued?
This song is rated G for Great. Also, G is for green, which is one of the colours that Lilian and Jon can paint in winds, whether forceful or otherwise.
Like any masculine male, my favourite music comes from women's deodorant commercials. For the lady on the go, nothing says freshness and cleanness than exposing your underarms to strangers in the street to an inoffensive rock song about female independence. Thanks to "Desenamorada," Lilian Garcia recreates those fine memories for me and the rest of the sisterhood. I'm glad that Lilian is over being under in love, but in Spanish. In my opinion, being under in love is problematic in that one cannot position oneself in accordance to an abstract concept. I would not even try to get beside or against love for I know that is a hopeless endeavour. Love is an idea, not an object that exists in the real world. Love is like D'Lo Brown. Have you seen D'Lo Brown lately? World Wrestling Entertainment brought him back in hologram form. He is not a human being anymore. He is a feeling. He is never present, yet one can sense his presence.
With the help of "Desenamorada," tomorrow will be a grand day. I will get up, put on my pantsuit, and talk to the camera about the lack of white residue on my clothes and skin. I am sassy because I smell like lilac in the summertime. Whenever you are available, please take a whiff. I did not film this comparison test with the "other brand" on a flat, light blue surface for no reason. Hard work needs hard protection from perspiration.
"Desenamorada" inspires me to buy an entire case of Lady Speed Stick. I want to feel free and airy, too.
For you aspiring directors and screenwriters who have a romantic comedy in mind about a one-legged, hunky firefighter who falls in love with a one-armed, female golfer, "Ya Veras" is the song for you. The day that your film, which you will call Fire in the Hole", comes to a theatre near me, I will watch and wait for Lilian Garcia’s voice to grace the silver screen with her hopeful song. Sometimes, I wonder why WWE refuses to use Lilian Garcia's songs to hype up their Pay-Per-Views, at least until I realize that one-legged, hunky firefighters never fall in love with one-armed, female golfers within the confines of a towering steel cage. If "Ya Veras" is correct, tomorrow brings promise, but I don't believe that promise applies to Lilian Garcia songs and WWE Pay-Per-Views. What a shame and a half.
I guess Vince McMahon doesn't appreciate songs that sound like they were performed by the 80s pop duo Roxette. Then again, Vince is not the genius that he claims to be. When you're the father and not the father of Hornswoggle, you are far from a genius. When you cannot control your bladder in the presence of Stone Cold Steve Austin, you are not that smart. When you create the XFL, the NFL laughs at you, then steals your overhead camera technique for their games. One day, Vince McMahon should see the error of his ways. Together, Vince and Lilian could have made millions. It must've been profitable, but it's over now.
Hugh Jackman is a firefighter trying to fan the flames of love. Kate Hudson is a LPGA star who has grown tired of double-bogeying her relationships. Former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler is an extra because she is not good enough to take significant roles in mediocre films. Fire in the Hole -- where there's smoke, there's romance. Christmas 2008.
If I didn’t know that Lilian Garcia was a ring announcer in her mid-thirties, her singing voice in “Yo No Se” would lead me to believe that she was a teenage girl. As she sings this song, she plans to get a belly button ring without her father's consent. Your body is a temple, Lilian. Think twice before your act. In all, Lilian Garcia does not even sound like Lilian Garcia in "Yo No Se." Either she has been replaced by another woman, or she has morphed into Amy Lee from Evanescence. Poor Evanescence. You were the Saliva of early-2000 WWE. A year or so later, the bodies hit the floor, not once, not twice, but thrice.
Apparently, the Lilian’s theme to ¡Quiero Vivir! is a new beginning that stems from a past, hurtful end. Anyone worth his of her prestigious title of wrestling fan knows what Lilian has been through during her time with the company. How come anyone whom Lilian wants to love decides to leave her? How come she can't accidentally fall from an apron without injuring herself? Inquiring minds are game for anything. First and foremost, they desire to inquire. I recommend that Lilian review her previous romances and determine the true person at fault. The eventual answer may surprise her. The answer is Lilian.
How come WWE chose to endorse the song "Estoy Endrograda"? Obviously, this song is about drugs. These are not Flintstones Chewables; these are the drugs that run through Lilian Garcia's body and soul. When will WWE step in and suspend Lilian Garcia for her first, admitted violation of the Wellness Policy? Lilian can mask her recreational drug use however she pleases. With that said, she should not sing the praises of her seedy activities. What performance does Lilian need to enhance exactly? Talking? Standing up in a dress and grinning in the background while a wrestler poses for the fans before a match? In terms of performance enhancing drug usage, Lilian is the Chris Masters of WWE ring announcers. In comparison, Smackdown's Justin Roberts is Funaki and Tony Chimel is Jimmy Wang Yang. Funaki and Yang's physiques are the most artificial in the company, but the former Masterpiece trumped them both. Would you like to take the Lilian Garcia Challenge? Lilian goes for the double underhook -- the double underhook on drugs.
In this song, Lilian experiences a euphoric feeling that resembles flying in the air. She adds that she has never felt this feeling before. From what I gather, Lilian Garcia is a liar. Because she is a lair of many languages, she is a greater liar than any monolingual individual could ever be. How dare she lie to us in English and Spanish. What language is safe from her stark white lies? Deep down that Latin American heart of hers is a devilish trickster. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, Lilian Garcia (most likely in a rhythmic, musical form). Until that day arrives, I will not let your dishonesty spoil my honest nature. I am as pure as white snow.
Lilian Garcia bathes in human growth hormone. She does not comprehend the concept of soap.
Lilian Garcia is devastated about something. She is devastated like what. In "Devastada," Garcia sings about a man (or woman, or child, or question mark) who cowardly leaves her without notice or explanation. How can someone leave Lilian Garcia without phoning first? Even if you come up with a bad excuse, I think Lilian will understand. Whatever you do, you must call her and inform her about the details of your departure. Tell her that you have been drafted into the war. Phone her up and say that you can't find your way out of a black hole. Admit to her that you are unable to escape from an infinite corn maze. At the very least, Lilian Garcia deserves closure. Back in the day, she beat Howard Finkel to a pulp -- a pulp that wears a nice tuxedo in time for WrestleMania. If you hurt her, don't be shocked if she tracks you down and lands a few haymakers on your sorry face.
Lilian never thought you could do this to her, but you done did it, didn‘t you? In response, I am with her on this one. I thought you were a good guy. When I first met shook your hand, I thought you were cool. I saw your acts of generosity. You barged into the building and gave those thirsty kids some Kool-Aid. You had the pitcher in your hand, but they tried to drink you instead. I saw you in your sunglasses. You wore a Hawaiian shirt. I did not know that Hawaiian shirts came in your size. Yes, you forgot to wear pants, but I let that one instance of forgetfulness slide. After hearing "Devastada," you should be ashamed of yourself, man. Garcia cannot agree with anything in an enthusiastic manner anymore. She drinks Kool-Aid with a slight, false smile of satisfaction.
"Devastada" devastates me as well. How can you live with yourself, Kool-Aid Man? Additionally, how do you stay at a cold temperature throughout the day? Do you add ice to yourself?
No amount of gongs and cymbals can make Lilian's "Quiero Encontrarte" stand out from the rest of the album. Firstly, Lilian must decide whether she wants to live or find people, places, or things. Secondly, Lilian Garcia must find a way to diversify her music. With most of the songs in ¡Quiero Vivir!, I envision Lilian prancing and singing on a mountaintop, declaring her newfound zest for life to the townspeople. Ring those bells, Esteban. Lilian Garcia's spirit soars like the American Eagle in a sombrero. I am no musical expert, but I sense a definite pattern with her music. Although her debut album features twelve songs, two are English translations. Out of those ten remaining Spanish songs, three or four stick with me seconds after I hear them; the rest are forgettable.
If Lilian wishes to find something, I suggest that she should look for songs to sing that do not sound the same. Also, she should announce some matches in her songs. I demand metaphorical battles between Rey Mysterio and Kane in her music. Overall, I prefer any type of battle that features Rey Mysterio and Kane, except those that are actual. If Lilian can provide this alternative, I will forgive her for all those times that she stared at Trish Stratus in a disturbing way.
What does Rey Mysterio versus Kane represent to me? Danger. Imminent danger.
Lilian is over being under in love in English. As a whole, this translation does not add much to ¡Quiero Vivir! Unless Universal Latino wanted to pad the album, I see no use for "Under in Love." English-speaking wrestling fans are not going to pay ten dollars for two songs, let alone ten dollars for two songs they can understand and ten songs they cannot. Perhaps Lilian made a conscious decision to add a few English translations to put the listeners at ease. When you are in the same quarters as those who speak a foreign language, do you ever get the feeling that they are speaking ill of you? Yes? Well, do you ever think that these same people are going to gang up on you, wrestling-stable style, unless you find yourself a black bat to wield for the purpose of self-defense? If so, Lilian has you covered. As far as "Under in Love" goes, Lilian refuses to talk about your horrible fashion sense and bowl-cut hairdo. She is not going to gather up her Latina girlfriends, corner you in an Tijuanan alley, and kill you softly with her song. As of this writing, she is not that kind of person.
I cannot help but yawn while listening to "Under in Love." Her singing is competent. The lyrics follow a simple, rhyming formula. The music is... musical. Whether or not Lilian Garcia made this album in a mall should be a fact up for debate. Plus, no matter how I approach the song, I fail to relate. I admit that I have never been over being under in love, but I am married to the written word. Can the written word love me back? Can the written word take care of me when I'm sick? Can the written word help me express my thoughts? The written word can do two out of the three tasks, but not the most important one. Not the one that matters to my fragile heart.
I am over Lilian being over being under in love.
With this song, Lilian Garcia and 90s contemporary music sensation Jon Secada ask each other, "Where Did Love Go?" in English. My insider sources inform me that love went away when WWE released Viscera. Most of you are unaware that love is a morbidly obese yet surprisingly agile five-hundred-pound man, but now you know the truth. No wonder why love is a battlefield. The battle against the bulge is the greatest war of our modern day. In a shocking development, the English version of "Where Did Love Go?" does not sound like a song from a Disney film, but a pop-country tune that gets regular play on CMT. In this case, Lilian is the Latina doppelganger of Faith Hill while Jon Secada is the Afro-Cuban Tim McGraw. In every Faith Hill and Tim McGraw video, they sing a duet in some sort of empty forest. What is the professional wrestling equivalent to an empty forest? Extreme Championship Wrestling on Sci Fi. Thus, Lilian and Jon's fake love for each other exists under extreme rules. How romantic.
When Jon Secada appeared on RAW to support Lilian Garcia's album, about negative five people recognized him (three of whom thought he was Ricky Martin's cousin). Where does Jon Secada take this newfound superstardom from here? All the way to the main event, people. Think of the moneymaking matchups between Jon Secada and Shawn Michaels, Jon Secada and The Undertaker, and Jon Secada and John Cena. Jon Secada is money in the wrestling ring. You saw the confused look on his face. He's not even positive that he attended a professional wrestling event on that fateful Monday night. He's one-half of your WrestleMania XXV main event.
Jon Secada is your hookup. Holler if you think cicada sounds like Secada.
As one of the more listenable tracks of ¡Quiero Vivir!, "Que Seria" sure asks a whole lot of ill-conceived questions. Listening to music should be a relaxing and enjoyable time, not a stressful and educational chore. What would the skies be without the stars? Why are you so curious? If I had to guess, the skies without stars would be starless skies. What would the sun be without its rays? What are you talking about, Lilian? A sun without rays is not possible. A sun sans rays is a Tampa Bay Rays organization without a "Nasty Boy" Brian Knobbs present to heckle their opposition. What would the earth be without flowers? I assume that the earth would be brown and or slutty. Once you take away flowers from the earth, you might as well take away their purity.
After consulting the English translation to this song, I think Lilian Garcia has tricked us once again. Does Lilian want to entertain and inspire us with this melodic, emotional piece, or does she wish to use us to complete her philosophy homework? You should’ve asked us these questions earlier, Lilian. Now you'll have to rush in order to submit your worksheet on time. For the last track of any album, the artist should make an effort to leave the listener on a positive, contemplative note. With "Que Seria," Lilian proves that she is a hardcore procrastinator.
What is a song sung during a time when Lilian should be studying? No TV for her tonight.
An inoffensive but unremarkable album from WWE's Lady of Ringside. Lilian could learn a thing of five from Jillian. To this day, people are still jingling with her.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Lovemember to Remember: The Challenge
NEXT WEEK
Listen and learn.
AND
On the great bayou, where they saw it fall. It's the great god bird down in Arkansas.
Re-D-Generation X
During the Attitude Era, D-Generation X changed the wrestling business forever. While World Championship Wrestling had the infamous New World Order, the World Wrestling Federation responded with the brash, arrogant duo of Shawn Michaels and Triple H. Together, they said dirty things on a microphone, violated wrestling rings with enthusiastic, horizontal thrusting, attempted to convince the audience that Chyna was attractive, and bounced off ropes a whole lot. In addition, the late Rick Rude liked to stand next to or beside them. Whenever I recall D-Generation X, I think of everlasting greatness. Every night, I thank the wrestling gods above for providing the world with all fifty incarnations of DX. You guys are the first and best wrestling stable ever to feature the timeless X-Pac. Truly, you are the kings of rock who, the kings of rock what.
In 2008, D-Generation X are back now and again and better than ever sometimes. Whenever their schedules are flexible for another reunion, Shawn Michaels and Triple H prove their doubters wrong, turning the industry upside down with revolutionary and hilarious antics, like they did long ago. Break the fourth wall, you say? How about breaking the non-existent fifth and six walls? How about collapsing the ceiling? Twice or thrice per year, Hunter urges millions of wrestling fans across the infinite WWE Universe to muster up enough courage and energy to both suck objects and urge other people to suck objects. Meanwhile, Shawn does what any upstanding degenerate loves to do: make insider jokes and coax the fans to act lewd and obnoxious for him. Once every four and a half months, these crafty veterans bring the goods, then sell those goods for nostalgic purposes to wrestling fans with poor taste. If you think are a big man, you are but a little man in the company of Hunter and Shawn.
This week, we return to the month of July in the year 2006 when D-Generation X made their first of many returns. Even though Rick Rude, Chyna, X-Pac, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Tori, and Stephanie McMahon could not return with them, they felt like D-Generation X (minus the rest of DX). In the upcoming years, how will Hunter and Shawn keep the spirit of the group alive? I don't know. I am not Triple H or Shawn Michaels. Despite the fact that I cannot will myself to assume the identities of either Triple H or Shawn Michaels, I can pretend to belong in their legendary group. Therefore, consider me the third member of the new, new, new, new, old DX. If you struggle to envision me in the stable, imagine that I am the cartoon rooster on the “Vince Loves Roosters” t-shirt, or the stripper in their Titantron video. Then again, I have a better body than the D-Generation X stripper, or so I am told by nobody in particular.
Without further delay, let The Swerved drive a small tank into yesteryear, invading wrestling's past for the sake of present entertainment. I shall not leave the memories alone. In the middle of the night, I shall dig the memories from their grave and attempt to revive them with a defibrillator machine. In lieu of a defibrillator machine, I will dress up these memories in a suit, tie, and sunglasses, secure them in the passenger seat of my motor vehicle, and use them to gain access to carpool lanes. If you have a problem with my plans, shoot. I don't care. You don't know my life.
D-Generation X is back. In a day and age in which lost young men have zero heroes to whom to turn, Triple H and Shawn Michaels have arrived on the scene in their neon green and black glory. Now, who knows anti-authority better than the son-in-law of the chairman of WWE and a born-again Christian? The answer is not a single person ever in the universe.
(I often wonder about the relationship between Triple H and Vince McMahon, his father-in-law. While I bet they are cordial with one another, how close are they? On Sunday afternoons, do they ride a tandem bike through a European-style villa in Connecticut? Whenever Stephanie is out of town, does Hunter and Vince build birdhouses together? Due to his abundance of sledgehammers, I assume that Hunter is a skilled carpenter. A pastry chef is not going to have that many sledgehammers. A part-time florist has no use for hammers of the sledge variety either.)
To me, Hunter and Shawn represent success. When I go to job interviews in my green and black sequined robe, I dress to impress. All of the other potential hirees fixate their eyes on me. The men in the room are wishing they were just as awesome; the women are ready to have my illegitimate babies. With the previous teachings of D-Generation X from the late 90s in my mind and the current stylings of the modern day duo at my disposal, I walk into the boss' office with bucket loads of confidence. He offers his hand for a handshake, and I slyly accept. The interview goes quite well until he starts to disrespect the superstar before him.
"So, what do you think you can bring to this company?"
I sit there and ponder for a moment, looking very concerned. Suddenly, I jump up from my chair, let my robe drop to the floor, and kick him square in the nether regions.
(For aspiring teenagers who wish to become contributing members to society, I do not recommend this tactic for every interview. Before you schedule your interview, ask your interviewer about his or her feelings about occasional disrobing and kicks to the nether regions in the workplace. If the interviewer responds against the two actions, cancel the interview. You do not want to work for a company that disproves of surprise nudity and intense, inguinal discomfort. If the interviewer says that they enjoy one of the two actions, yet do not specify which they prefer, wear clothes underneath your robe and cover the tips of your shoes in bubble wrap for precautionary purposes. You do not want to display your hidden parts to an uncooperative spectator, nor do you want to hurt a potential boss in a sensitive area that he or she desires to protect. Finally, if the interviewer conveys his or her love for the two actions, where is this interview anyway? Are you positive that this is a legitimate business, such as a Korean massage parlour in the basement of a pawn shop slash gun store, or is this a seedy place, like WWF New York? Remember to find out about the work environment before you attempt to gain employment.)
"You think you can tell me what to do? Do you know who you're talking to?" I say this statement with so much gusto that the price of gusto at gusto stations go up two full dollars.
(Today, the price of gusto at local gusto stations is rather expensive. In these desperate times, I siphon gusto from a neighbour using a broken garden hose and my mouth. I know that I am stealing, but the gusto companies are stealing as well, providing necessary gusto to the public at ridiculous prices. Next time, I should find out how to run my statements on a mixture of peat moss and cod liver oil, also known as nature's dessert tray.)
As he scoots along the floor in immense pain, I pull down his pants and spray paint his buttocks with nW... DX. In the end, I not only get the job, but I become the new boss, too.
(I'm not saying that the New World Order invented the act of spray painting people and buildings in wrestling, but the New World Order invented the act of spray painting people and buildings in wrestling. In my opinion, D-Generation X was about eight years too late in their spray painting endeavours. If future incarnations of D-Generation X wish to vandalize in a hip way, might I suggest that they defame their surroundings in the style of the New Blood -- Vince Russo's most influential, wrestling creation? Falling corn syrup that misses its target and drenches the first five rows of the audience instead is quite insulting. For one, I am insulted whenever I remember these incidents.)
Life does not get any cooler than that, so let me give you some tips on how to be just as edgy as Hunter, Shawn, and I. Are you ready? Bow to the masters. Break that stuff over there down that is breakable and needs to be broken, which will be achieved by breaking the break thing.
Embrace being Amish, but a cool type of Amish.
Triple H says he doesn't use computers, and I completely respect him for that. He's above technology and that makes him better than the world. To use a computer in the year 2006 is a lot like filling your geeky pocket protector with objects such as pens made from the blood of obsolete geeks. People who are cool do not use pens; they crotch chop in Morse code.
(The first time that I saw Hunter and Shawn execute a crotch chop, I thought they were crossing their arms to create a makeshift tent for their crotches. If Triple H and Shawn Michaels are that concerned about exposing their crotches to light and heavy downpours, perhaps they should think about purchasing some crotch umbrellas. In the Northwest, a day is not one without rain. In order to protect my own crotch, I place a visor, a hood, and an umbrella over my crotch. On top of those three coverings, I construct an awning made of extendable tent poles and a large, water-resistant tarp. My crotch is one of the driest crotches in Swerved Nation. Go ahead and ask a few strangers walking on the street. They will support my claim.)
Just so you are aware, here are things you need to not use in order to be considered "cool":
1) The Wheel
2) Electricity
3) The Steam-Powered Telephone
4) Soap
5) The Bathroom
(Do not even think about touching that steam-powered telephone of yours. For every steam-powered telephone that I find in your place of residence, I shall punch an innocent child in the face with the broad side of my steaming iron. You want to be considered cool, don't you? Although we live in a different time, steam-powered telephones continue to be lame. Like any super cool professional wrestling analyst, I make calls by yelling in the direction of the person with whom I wish to talk. As you arrive home in your car with hexagonal tires, and wash yourself in candlelight using bacon fat over the sink, I hope you realize how cool I am in comparison to everyone else.)
When in Rome, do what the Romans do -- cover dudes in goo.
Speaking of the bathroom, DX has learned that falling, messy substances are funny. Not only have they dispensed copious amounts of green paint/slime on the Spirit Squad with slip and sliding action, they have also hilariously struck them and Vince and Shane McMahon with human waste, which I have dubbed DXcrement. Say, if descending manure is humourous, I must be made up of 80% descending manure and 20% water.
(Oh, I understand you, Shawn and Hunter. D-Generation X are good enough for cascading excrement, but falling blood is beneath you. What is your deal, gentlemen who are not so gentle? You managed to kill five, promising careers with your Number Two Showers. Mitch is gone, selling clothes with Torrie Wilson. Mikey is in a ditch somewhere, fighting pigeons for food scraps. Johnny is not of this earth anymore. Nicky is Dolph Ziggler; he is might as well move to another planet. Last of all, Kenny is out of a job. I blame the Spirit Squad's demise on both of you. You cannot wash your hands of these sins. You covered Kenny's headband in poop. Do not think that you can get away with this atrocity. For the sake of charisma-generating headbands everywhere, you are on my list of people whom I will never forgive, above Santa Claus and below Nick Hogan.)
I'm sure there are more solids and liquids to come, no doubt. Let me tell you what they may unleash upon their victims next:
1) Clamato
2) Bird Flu
3) Crunk Juice
4) Triple H Bottled Water Spit
5) Star Jones
(Triple H's bottled water spit gives him superpowers, such as the ability the dislike the taste of water. Of course, water has no taste, but we are human. Meanwhile, Triple H is a superhuman hater of liquids that are two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. "I do not like water and I am excited and angry about the fact," he says and thinks to himself. If I give him a Shasta or a Sierra Mist, will he finally take a drink? A boy can dream a hopeful dream.)
Be like Shawn Michaels who is so cool, he needs to leave the room every time something cool happens.
Because Shawn Michaels' is super religious and loves Christ-y Hemme (WWE Diva Up in the Sky), he is not the same man that he once was when DX first formed. He can't really do anything that daring, but if you ask him politely, he'll probably call you a "stupidhead." With that said, he is a rebel of rebels and I salute him. Here's to you, HBK and your plethora of chaps.
Do you want to be like Shawn? Here are the guidelines for Heartbreak Kidality...
To be like Shawn Michaels, you must:
- Bare witness to scantily clad, muscly, male strangers
- Allow others to say, "Suck it!" on your behalf
- Have a barbeque of wieners
- Crotch chop your stomach
- Wear women's tanktops
(I have no idea why Shawn Michaels likes to chop his stomach rather than his crotch. He must be more concerned than Triple H about the safety of his crotch. He must believe that building a taller crotch shelter will keep him drier. Look, Shawn Michaels; you already wear a stylish, straw cowboy hat to protect what lies beneath it. Apparently, you are the sole owner of that cowboy hat because it has your name. Therefore, go ahead and build yourself a cathedral to the heavens to keep your crotch from the rain, but your crotch can't escape wetness forever. Take a hint from the immortal Rob Van Dam, who wrestled every match with a damp pelvic area. He never complained.)
To be like Shawn Michaels, you must not:
- Bare witness to scantily clad, attractive, female strangers
- Say, "Suck it!"
- Have a taco party
- Crotch chop your crotch
- Wear men's tank tops
(I know women's tank tops are stylish and trendy, but can Shawn Michaels, Batista, Shad Gaspard, and the rest of the WWE roster learn to wear clothes that are appropriate for their gender? Also, can Batista find a dress shirt to wear underneath his suit jacket? While he may be dressed to eat at a fancy soup kitchen and work in a coal mine at the same time, he should make a choice. He can't have his cake and eat it in a women's tank top, too.)
Purchase a surplus of floozies for sexually suggestive hijinks.
Whatever you do, you must, under all circumstances, be able to successfully portray yourself receiving mouth whoopie with jeans on in plain view of the camera. It takes a particular man to pull this off convincingly; only a perfect being is capable of such an act. An individual such as the mystery man who impregnated Stephanie McMahon might be triumphant. Oddly enough, I believe Triple H knows this guy. Now, don't tell anybody, but judging from his clues, I think it might be Mr. Plum in the library with a wrench.
(Former WWE Women's Champion Candice Michelle has a come along from her days of pretending to pleasure Triple H underneath a table that is unable to conceal what is actually happening. Back then, Candice was pretty classy. An outdoor barbeque is the ideal, private place to feign sexual interest in Hunter Hearst Helmsley. What is the second ideal, private place? I want to say a children's aquarium or a two-tier jungle gym, but I am afraid that I will be wrong.)
In the future, if Stephanie would just visit the Maury Povich show, we would have this business sorted out. "In the case of nine-month-old Slegdehammeria, Mr. Plum, you are the father."
Stephanie: "I dun told you! I dun told you! You my baby daddy! Look at her nose! It just like yo nose!"
(In my mind, Stephanie McMahon speaks like a stereotypical, borderline offensive, African-American, teenage, urban youth. On the other hand, I think several individuals speak in this manner. For example, William Regal is one sassy girl. After all, he was born naughty, which means that he has always been a street-talking whore.)
Profit.
If you follow these steps, prepare to be rolling in the dough. Dough is a money term. It is also a bread term, but not in this instance. My apologies.
(When dough becomes a money term and a bread term, I will finally be happy. Years of hard work and dedication to my craft will be worth the news alone.)
Alas, if you don't become filthy rich, I've got two words for you -- that's unfortunate.
Q: Did you know that 10 years ago, Hulk Hogan, Triple Hall, and Kevin Michaels formed the New Generation-X (nGx) at WCW's Bash at the American Bash when Hogan bodyslammed Andre the Giant?
A: Hey, you can write "BOOB OIL" on a calculator. Nice.
(When "boob oil" becomes a boob term and a oil term, the boob and oil industries will finally be happy. Stocks in breast petroleum will skyrocket. Capitalize, Jillian Hall, capitalize. Sing your soothing song.)
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 54th (Computer Reference Monday Edition)
William Regal & Layla vs. Jamie Noble & Mickie James
OR
The Miz & John Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme
OR
Gossip Girl vs. Gilmore Girls
Gossiping the way I do
I only want to gossip with you
And I would go from the end of the C to the W
'Cause girl I know you would do that, too
Where you tag me, I will tag you
Anywhere that you want me to
If you need, need me to be as easy as you
I will tag you, where you tag me
If you're dressing up to look like a conversative ho
Feeling promiscuous from head to toe
All you have to do is that random guy
To the sounds of some obscure, alternative band with some weird name like "Tumultuous Pie Explosion Debate"
Where you tag me, I will tag you
Anywhere that you want me to
If you need, need me to be as easy as you
I will tag you, where you tag me
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Does the wayback machine go forward, or way back again? Who knows?
AND
There is no message we're receiving. Let me know; is your heart still beating?
Quiz Show: Part 2
Last week, I embarked on a spiritual journey to bring sense and meaning into my life. I wandered through the mountain plains, waded through the quickest of sands, and rode through rivers of steaming, volcanic lava on a paper boat of hopes and dreams. While some people choose to give up on the arduous trek towards enlightenment, I am not "some people." I am Stephen Rivera, the author of The Swerved with someone whose name is rather similar to mine. I built this wrestling empire with the power of my genius mind. How can I quit and let down the trillions of adoring fans whose happiness depends on my success? Am I willing to return to everyday life without an answer and confront the sad face of little Timmy Martinez? Am I that selfish?
Timmy Martinez is my 375,405,111th biggest fan. For little Timmy Martinez, I knew that I had to continue -- somehow, some way. I wanted little Timmy Martinez to grow up in the world where a man's biggest questions could be answered. I wanted him to be a part of a place where he could become anything that he wanted to be, such as Timothy Martinez: attorney-at-law slash gourmet hot dog vendor.
With the thought of Timmy Martinez in the back of my mind, I was determined to find my answer. On the verge of certain death, I persevered from obstacle to obstacle. As my body ached and begged for mercy, I gained wind after wind. On my 124th wind, I arrived at my spiritual destination -- the internet. Under the bright lights of the heavens above, InsomniAddict asked unto me, "What WWE Superstar are you?" For a minute, I was not sure how to respond. Then, I asked myself, "What would Timothy Martinez do?" I thought he would take on my small claims case as he cooked a delicious Chili Dog, but that was besides the point. When InsomniAddict asked the same question again, I was stumped. I thought I could never utter a correct reply, until I came across his quiz, present before my eyes. Although I wondered why I took on such a strenuous adventure into the great beyond when I could have stayed at home, I saw this quiz as a sign, a sign of self-discovery. This InsomniAddict must be a god and or an insomniac and or an addict, but only two of the three.
As I encountered the first question of the quiz, I knew that I was taking part in something special. I felt this feeling of rebirth and rejuvenation in the depths of my heart. Even if I had to work all day, I would finish this quiz. With my last breath, I would discover the WWE Superstar within me. Right now, World Wrestling Entertainment is missing a member of its talent roster. That missing member is me for true. Therefore, let me finish my journey. Onwards and upwards, my friends. Onwards and upwards. At first, I went downwards, but that was the wrong way.
41. Do you find Sharmell attractive?
Sharmell T, the wife of Booker T, was quite fetching as Queen Sharmell in World Wrestling Entertainment. Then again, I find all queens attractive, what with their tiaras and plethora of sashes. Without question, the female sovereign is my number one type of woman. What is my second favourite type of woman? Ironically enough, my second favourite type is the Queen chess piece. Go on with your bad self and move in a diagonal fashion, girl. Take those unoccupied squares.
42. Do the words "Mmmm...... cheeseburger" come to mind often?
I am not sure what you are insinuating with this question. Cheeseburgers and wrestling are kindred entities. They go together like shoe polish and magnets. Do I enjoy a juicy cheeseburger now and again? Yes. On occasion, do I ponder the thought of eating such a cheeseburger? Yes. On the next edition of ECW on Sci-Fi, am I going to make my professional wrestling debut as The Cheeseburglar and win my first match with an inverted DDT called "Burglar Time"? Absolutely yes. Hamburgers are for the weak.
43. Are you cool?
Even though I am not as cool as Carlito, I have been cool in the past. In my past life, I used to be a red dot with sunglasses on the label of 7 Up bottles. Back then, I was totally cool. I was representing the Uncola. I was against carbonated beverages that were pro-Cola. I started a revolution. You couldn’t get any cooler.
44. Have you ever been in a sumo match?
Do you recall the Big Show versus Akebono match at WrestleMania 21? You do? For those of you who do remember this match and or the event, I played an integral part in both. While I did not compete in the contest, I made the match the great success that it was with my amazing sewing skills Using the world's entire supply of silk, I fashioned a loincloth for each competitor to wear. Unfortunately, three million spiders (and one Spider-person) died in the making of those loincloths. Why, Charlotte, why? It should have been me.
45. Do you have prefer submission?
For the last time, I dislike submission. Why tie your opponent into a pretzel for the victory when you can finish him off by striking him in the face with a really hard pretzel? I'm talking two-days-old pretzels that have been stored in Linda McMahon's soul, mothersnackers. Linda McMahon's soul was the driest place I could find.
46. Do you have a band?
Yes, I do. Monday Night RAW Superstar Kelly Kelly and I tour the Swiss countryside with my three adopted children, Liesl von Trapp, Friedrich von Trapp, and Michael Cole (I did not adopt the other von Trapp children because they are annoying). Together, we play music that we like to call "Gangster Folk." In this family band, Liesl and Friedrich are the DJs and Michael Cole plays the triangle. I know the triangle is an unnecessary instrument, but we have to include our Michael somehow. If you saw him dance in the ring this past week, you will understand why he is the black sheep of our family.
47. Do you got legs?
In comparison to former WWE Diva and current human being Stacy Keibler, I got legs, but I don't know how to use them as well as she does. Sometimes, I mistake my legs for spoons and try to use them to scoop up Raisin Bran. Other times, I try to build shelters for the needy with my legs. As you can tell, I have a lot to learn about my legs' abilities.
48. Are you a Heartbreaker?
I am not a Heartbreaker as I believe that hearts were not made to be broken. In my opinion, hearts were invented to house small pieces of chocolate. I bet Shawn Michaels is unaware of this fact. If the Heartbreak Kid wants to break some hearts, he has broken mine by being ignorant to the actual purpose of hearts. He should not be your Boy Toy anymore. Shawn Michaels is a boy who toys with reality.
49. Do you want to Have a Nice Day?
I associate the catchphrase "Have a Nice Day" with the dress-shirt-and-tie era Mankind, which is my least favourite incarnation of Mick Foley. In order to have a nice day, Mick Foley must redo his entire wrestling career as Dude Love. For one, Dude Love can fly. You saw him fly in his Titantron. Mankind can't fly like Dude love. He sits in the corner of an island, rocking back and forth, eating Chef Boyardee.
50. Do you feel you have... evolved... past all the other wrestlers?
Since I see myself as somewhat superhuman, I say, "Yes." Unlike the other wrestlers, I do not breathe with two lungs. I have gills. While the other wrestlers have a human torso, I have the torso of an American Black Bear. I have six fingers on each hand and seven toes on each foot. Actually, I have two machine guns in place of feet. I am the ultimate WWE Superstar.
51. Are you better as a tag team?
Am I better as a tag team with myself? Out of every tag team in wrestling today, Myself and I are one of the more efficient and exciting duos. Myself and I finish each other's sentences and wear the same clothes. Surprisingly, we share the same body as well. Watch out, whoever are the WWE and World Tag Team Champions right now. Myself and I are coming for you. Beware of our double team move -- The Double Single Dropkick.
52. Do you prefer Amature Wrestling?
What is this "Amature Wrestling" to which you refer? A… Mature… Wrestling? A singular instance of wrestling in a mature way, or in a mature environment? Does "A Mature Wrestling" involve competing in a ring for five minutes, then taking a break to get car insurance? In the sport of A Mature Wrestling, is the winner of the match the one who enjoys Elizabethan period pieces the most? If I am thinking what you are thinking, Amature Wrestling is not for me. I am a Toys R Us kid.
53. Do you like the highlight reel?
In general, highlight reels are entertaining. As for Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel, I am not a fan. For one, Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel interview segment had the ugliest carpet. Whenever WWE brought out that carpet, I wondered if a magical unicorn vomited and spontaneously combusted on it. For two, Chris Jericho's Highlight had the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000 -- a poor quality plasma television at best. Somebody get me some Magnasonic in there. Whenever I visit electronics stores, I do not even look at that brand. I head straight for the aisle with quality knockoff televisions instead.
54. Do you like to play games?
I don't care what my half brother Triple H says. I do not think it is ever time to play his game. What fun is putting my head underneath his crotch while his sweaty thighs clamp me down in position? Mind you, he does this as he places my hands behind my back. Unless I am mistaken, this is not how half brothers play. This is how Triple H and Ric Flair express their love and respect for each other in the backstage area. Whenever Triple H wants to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos, I'll be ready. Until that day arrives, I don't want to play "Cruel Intentions."
55. Would you do anything for attention, even attack a girl from behind?
In my opinion, girls are fair game for sneak attacks. Every day and night, I attack girls from behind. For obvious reasons, some girls like it, but others take it as an insult. More often than not, I am not looking for attention. Usually, I am searching for sweet, sweet loving. If women wish to be treated as equals in society, they must accept that the fact that they will be subject to attacks in various situations. I'm talking fighting in a gravel pit with spears, chicken fighting at the beach on the backs of great white sharks, and awkwardly showering together, naked at the gym with naked strangers. If women wish to have true equality, they must give and take punishment like the rest of the world.
56. Do you like Hammers?
Whenever Triple H uses the sledgehammer, I picture him in the video for Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer." I wish Hunter could sledgehammer the hell out of those dancing chickens. If he did, I would forgive him for all those times that he wanted me to play his games. Also, I would learn to love hammers. After he hammered those chickens, we would ride that rollercoaster on the chalkboard, or use fruit to construct a face that sings. We need to rekindle our brotherly love, and we need to do it as soon as possible.
57. Will you put your own body on the line?
Truly, I am afraid to head out my door because I know that my body will be put on the line, regardless of my willingness to do so. As a professional wrestling analyst like myself, I cannot walk one step in the outside world without encountering thousands of groupies who want to undress me. In the middle of the night, I ask the Lord why he made me so attractive. In response, the Lord said that he did all he could to make me unattractive, but my attractiveness was too powerful to be altered for the worse. I am not going to exaggerate; I feel like a sexy soldier in a sexy war that I cannot win.
58. Are you heartless?
I am not without a heart. In several circles, I am known to be the owner of three hearts. Do not inquire as to how I have three hearts rather than one. I cannot tell you who or what gave me these hearts, but I am willing to juggle them for your amusement. I hope the Tin Man does not read this piece. He will be crushed. Also, he will continue to be a man of tin.
59. Are you a diva?
How can I be a diva? Even though I like to dress up in slutty Halloween costumes, such as the one I wore this year (slutty ringside timekeeper), I do not have the anterior protuberances nor the female reproductive system to qualify as a WWE Diva or TNA Knockout. For you aspiring male divas, may I suggest that you become slutty ringside timekeepers for Halloween 2009? Ding, ding, ding, everybody. I can dream, but you can make it happen.
60. Do you hate Test or Steiner?
I cannot hate Test or Steiner. I do not even think that disliking Andrew "Test" Martin or "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner is possible. If Test has Testicles around the world, I like to think of myself as his left one. Despite the fact that I do not understand what Scott Steiner says, I holler whenever I hear them. If I do not hear him, I holler until I do. Then, I holler again. Test and Scott Steiner are my homies. Test can play the tambourine in my band with Kelly Kelly any time. On any day of the week, Scott Steiner can come over to my wrestling arena, leap from the ring apron, and come up three feet short of attacking Test. We’ll have fun.
61. Do you like the colour red?
The colour red is the Darth Vader of colours. I despise the colour red with every ounce of my being. If I ever see the Big Red Machine come down the aisle with a Cincinnati Reds uniform, chewing Big Red behind the wheel of a red Corvette to a theme by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I shall go mad. I shall write a strongly worded letter to his representatives in blue pen. You got that right, sir or madam. My pens are not fans of the colour red either.
62. Are you a girl?
Minutes before you asked this question, I swiped my hand against my lower body and discovered that I am still a boy (until further notice). I could have checked again and again, but that is a job for the ladies. Perhaps I will go under a Rob Schneider-esque transformation and become Rachel McAdams someday, but I cannot depend on a pipe dream. If you understand this reference, I feel happy and sorry for you. Please feel happy and sorry for me.
63. Have you ever almost killed someone?
A long time ago, when I turned into a Samoan with an ample, chunky posterior who then turned into a cerebral assassin in a denim vest over a leather jacket, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. As far as I know, Stone Cold Steve Austin is still alive, but he must drink non-alcohol beverages for the rest of his life. I am positive that his inner smoking skull is crying. In addition, that smoking skull is smoking. Sadly, Austin's smoking skull has not learned about the dangers of smoking out of his eyes or mouth.
64. Do you win titles in your first match's?
Who or what is this first match and who or what does this first match possess? You intrigue me with your words and sentences. I have not met First Match or any first matches, yet I want to meet him, her, or it. I suppose that if First Match accompanied me to the ring, I would win every title imaginable. Here I be, WWF European Title -- the most prestigious WWF European-themed championship belt in the history of WWF European-themed championship belts. The glorious Mideon was your best owner, but I will be your next owner.
65. Are you championship material?
I am always championship material. I am not made of fat and water. In order to construct my body, my parents used leather, diamonds and other valuable gems, and gold. As a child, they carried me over their shoulder and wore me around their waist. They were brave, fighting champions, at least until they lost me in a match against the travelling circus.
66. Do you like the letters RKO?
Out of these three letters, the letter O is my favourite. As for the letter R, I am ambivalent towards it. The letter K is my least favourite letter for it is the most pointy. The letter K looks like the letter I violating Pac-Man. For goodness sake letter K, Pac-Man has a significant other that he loves dearly. For her birthday, he bought her a bow and will buy her a bow until she becomes sick of them. Randy Orton should be ashamed of the letter K. That letter does not have enough tattoos.
67. Do you like motorcycles?
Poor Chuck Palumbo. For your information, I have no use for Chuck Palumbo's motorcyclist gimmick and all similar gimmicks in professional wrestling. What was Palumbo going to do in the ring with a motorcycle gimmick? Pretend to ride one? Exist as a wrestler with a premature, mid-life crisis? I respect those who ride motorcycles, except for the ones who believe that riding motorcycles define themselves and their life. I drive a mattress on wheels, but I am more than an ill-conceived form of transportation. I am a human being with a unique personality that does not relate to owning a bedroom-related vehicle.
68. Are You Missing Any Teeth?
Thanks to the Tooth Fairy, who is very real and not fake, I have my adult teeth and a bed full of cash. In fact, she takes teeth from other people in order to give me more money. For example, Mick Foley's lost teeth have provided me with my own AAA baseball team. I am not sure what the Tooth Fairy is doing with my baby teeth. If I had to guess, I assume that she is trying to build another version of me in hopes that he will fall in love with her. What the Tooth Fairy does not know is that all versions of me are in it to win it with one fairy and one fairy only: Tinker Bell. If you have watched Disney's Peter Pan, you will understand why I think so highly of Ms. Bell. She gets in those hard-to-reach places.
69. Can you tune up the band?
If I tune up the band while Shawn Michaels tunes up the band, what will happen? Will it appear as though we are simultaneously enjoying ourselves at a hootenanny? As long as Shawn Michaels does not tune up the band, I can tune up the band. Whenever he does tune up the band, I lose my ability to leave the ring and gain an intense craving to hear music of the sweet chin variety all up in my face. I like to think of my Sweet Chin Music as the contemporary alternative to Shawn Michaels' version. Like any born-again Christian, he hits people in the mouth to restore his faith in hitting people in the mouth. As for myself, I kick people in the face to the tune of Rod Stewart, Billy Joel, and Annie Lennox. As a quick reminder, 101.5 SWM FM plays the best soft favourites of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. Welcome back to The Swerved in the Morning. Stay tuned for our Beat the Bank Contest in which you can win up to $10,000 in cash. Now, here's Cyndi Lauper with "Time After Time.”
70. Are you over 7 feet tall?
Well, I am rather gifted down there. You know what they say about men over seven feet tall: they need custom shoes because most stores do not carry size thirteen and over.
What WWE Superstar am I? The Big Show. He is big. In other news, he is a show. I am big and a show, too.
Monday, November 03, 2008
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 53rd (Computer Reference Monday Edition)
Swerved Nation Chooses The Special Guest Referee (Marcia Brady, Jan Brady, or Cindy Brady)
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Carol Brady
Here's a story, of a man named Jericho
Who was bringing up one lovely guy named Lance
This boy had hair of gold, like Y2J
But he had no glittery underpants
Here's a story, of a boy named Lance Cade
Who was backing up a rejuvenated Chris
They were two men, but one man did nothing
Cade just stood there in the back, looking pissed
'Till the one day when WWE released this fellow
And they knew that his character had gone nowhere
This partnership did absolutely nothing
But that's the way they tried their best to make us care
We never cared
We never cared
But that's the way they tried their best to make us care
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
I will be a WWE Superstar, or I will perish.
AND
Things never are as bad as they seem, so dream, dream, dream.
Quiz Show: Part 1
The Swerved is your one-stop shop for professional wrestling knowledge. Without question, I know all. You cannot stump me with your queries for I am an answering machine. I can answer your questions while I record messages from friends and family on your phone. Nathaniel Luscious Wrestling invented professional wrestling in 1902. What is a wrestling ring? A wrestling ring is a steel apparatus that is three-feet by six-feet wide. This apparatus peels both large and small potatoes. The first world champion in professional wrestling history was a pair of pants. When it comes to wrestling, I am never not smart.
This week, I would like to take some time out to discover myself. You may know me as answering machine, but do you really know me? Moreover, do I know myself? Truly, I have never spent more than five minutes with myself. Perhaps I should turn away the lovely ladies for once and pay attention to my own needs. What am I? What have I become? Why am I wearing a panda suit on the top half of my body and a pair of wrestling trunks on my bottom half? To answer these queries, I must go on a soul-searching mission. I must use wrestling quizzes to learn about my wrestling self.
Before I begin this wonderful journey to the land of Self-Discovery, I would like to thank "InsomniAddict" for this wrestling quiz. Wherever you are, you are in my thoughts. You, sir, have made a significant contribution to society in the form of this quiz. One day, I hope you are able to curb your addiction to insomnia. The first step towards recovery is admitting that you have a problem. The second step involves bottling up those problems. Nobody wants to know about your life, especially at 4:30 AM. Dang, InsomniAddict. Normal people are trying to sleep at that time. Shoot.
As a quick note, all questions will be transcribed verbatim from their original source. This means that all spelling mistakes and flashes of grammatical greatness shall remain. I do not want to sully the name of one InsomniAddict. Every other day of the year, he is my better.
Now, let us uncover the answer to life's biggest question: what WWE Superstar am I?
1. Do you like 3D?
To be honest, I like 3D as a friend, but just a friend. I do not see a future with 3D. While 3D comes from a good family and looks pretty in the right light, I do not want to be with 3D forever. I am a homebody. I do not want to spend Saturday nights in a wrestling ring, where a convulsing African-American man lifts me up into the air while a hefty Caucasian male grabs me by the neck and tries to pull me face-first to the floor. In that scenario, I would be miserable.
2. Do you and Triple H not get along?
Hunter Hearst Helmsley and I have our differences. On second thought, all professional wrestlers and professional wrestling analysts have problems with each other. For one, Triple H leaves the toilet seat up on a frequent basis. He should be aware that analysts such as myself have narrow hips and can fall into toilets without difficulty. For two, Triple H despises water bottles. Have you ever seen Hunter keep a water bottle? Those bottles can be kept for future use, man. You don't even have to put water in those bottles. You can keep your jewelry in there. You can house a goldfish. Hunter Hearst Helmsley is against the environment.
3. Do you have a half brother who you don't get along with?
Yes; I am told that his name is Hunter. If my half brother is Triple H, I will find a way to alter my DNA until we do not share it.
4. Are you over 500 lbs?
Usually, I tend to carry the wrestling world on my shoulders. Therefore, I weigh well over 500 pounds. Whenever I attempt to weigh myself on a scale with the wrestling world on my shoulders, I break the scale. The wrestling world is rather heavy. The wrestling world weighs the same as Hulk Hogan's memory of Andre the Giant. This world is twelve exatonnes.
5. Do you like tables?
Why, I love tables. I like to play cards, eat food, and work on tables. Tables are not as cocky as chairs because they know that you can sit on them, but they don't advertise the fact. Furthermore, tables are... wait a minute. Why is that table in the middle of the ring? Why is this convulsing African-American man holding me up? Why is that hefty Caucasian male trying to grab my neck? I don't like this change of events. I don't like this change of events at all.
6. Are you a Sexy Boy?
According to the female population, I am a Sexy Boy with an identity crisis. I am not a Sexy Boy, not yet a Sexy Man. Sometimes, I sing about my inner crisis on a dry desert mountain in Arizona. At least I am a Sexy Man where it counts, right? I am Sexy Man from my fingertips to my shoulders.
7. Is youe finisher painless?
Demetrius Youe, the professional wrestling superstar of tomorrow, boasts a finisher that is painless. His finisher is a powerbomb onto a pile of blankets that have a high thread count. On the other hand, my finisher is painful. While I do not make contact with my opponent, I use my words to emotionally inflict pain. After my finisher, I pin my opponent, who proceeds to lie on his back and second-guess his life choices for more than three seconds. "Should I have listened to my parents rather than my backyard wrestling buddies? Should I have become a urologist?" Who knows?
8. Are you everyones favourite superhero?
I am nobody's favourite superhero. Demetrius Everyones, the professional wrestling manager of tomorrow, believes that I am a hero, but not one of the super variety. As for me, I do not think much of superheroes. I am content as a regular hero because superheroes are arrogant and abrasive individuals. Do you ever see Superman chilling at the Costco? No, you don't. Superman hates the everyman. Superman orders organic food online and watches over Lois Lane as she sleeps.
9. Are you Extreme??
Since you ask this question with two question marks, I guess you are more extreme than I could ever be. I am not the extreme type. I don't like to hit others with steel chairs. I would prefer not to suplex an opponent through a wooden table. Most of all, I do not want to attempt the most extreme move in modern wrestling history: Matt Hardy's flying axe handle from the middle turnbuckle. For goodness sake, that axe handle is flying from the middle turnbuckle. Due to the fact that the axe handle is in flight, that move is superior to an axe handle that travels on the ground.
10. Do you respect the Dynomite Kid?
The Dynomite Kid treks around town with a fur coat and a feather in his cap. At various points during his stroll, he slaps a lady of the night to set her straight. "Stop hollerin' and give me some dollarin', LaShanda," he says. Therefore, I respect the Dynomite Kid. He's like the Dynamite Kid, except more authoritative.
11. Do you have any brain damage?
Thankfully, my brain is intact. If I do not have any brain damage, professional wrestlers must have no brain damage as well. Vince McMahon will be the first to tell you that WWE Superstars do not suffer brain damage in his ring. He has no idea where they get concussed. Maybe some wrestlers get concussions while they eat cereal with hard and chalky marshmallow bits. Maybe other wrestlers get concussions when they do not praise World Wrestling Entertainment at every opportunity. In conclusion, watching or competing in WWE results in zero brain damage. In fact, watching or competing in WWE increases brain size and function.
12. Do you like sock puppets like Mr. Socko??
My sources inform me that Mr. Socko is a sock puppet with a severe attitude problem. In the past, Mr. Socko has had backstage scuffles with puppets like the Pets.com dog, Lamb Chop from Lamb Chop's Play-Along, and Gerald Brisco. Because Mick Foley has left WWE for TNA, World Wrestling Entertainment wants Mr. Socko to stay. Although Mr. Socko is open to the offer, he wants more money than he deserves. Mr. Socko is asking for a six-year contract in the seven-figure range. This demand is quite ridiculous, even for a legendary puppet like Mr. Socko. Sure, he has put many male groins in his mouth, but what has he done for wrestling lately?
13. Do you use submission to finish off most of your opponents?
No; I am not into submission in the wrestling ring, nor am I fan of it in the bedroom. I like skin-to-skin action, thank you very much. I do not care for paddles. In order to finish off most of my opponents, I prefer to hire a group of ninja terrorists to submit my foes for me. Apparently, this method has worked for Muhammad Hassan. Thus, I believe ninja terrorists can work for me.
14. do you like the # 3:16?
Actually, 3:16 is a not a number, but a group of two numbers put together to refer to a Bible passage. If you wish to stretch the concept, 3:16 can be a ratio. For example, the odds that wrestling fans under eight years old remember the exploits of Stone Cold Steve Austin are 3:16. Vegas has the odds at 1:9. What do I make of those odds, you say? I like them. I like them a lot.
15. What do you think about... unification?
If you mean title or brand unification, I am against the idea, but why did you pause before you said, "unification?" Did you want to say something else? Do you think "unification" is a dirty word? Well, when two brands within the same company love each other very much, they "unify." In my opinion, unification is a natural and beautiful process. People don't unify like they do in those movies, though. Unifying is rewarding and exciting, but awkward, especially if you unify for money.
16. Do you have more important things to do?
Yes; I have more important things to do. I have places to go, people to see, and series to survive. If you can survive once, that is not an accomplishment. If you can survive several times in the same night, that is worth forty-dollars of your entertainment buck.
17. Do you like tombstones?
I am a fan of Undertaker's Tombstone for it appears as though he is unifying with his opponent in a standing position whenever he does it. Undertaker's Tombstone takes much strength and dedication on his part. On the part of the opponent, he does not have to do anything except enjoy the ride. Man, Undertaker is a undead living zombie thing who can't get enough of burying his face in his opponents' crotches. Is that what happens in the cemetery at night? Does he like to rest in a man‘s piece?
18. Is it the bottom like because you said so?
The bottom like is similar to the bottom line, except it is not at the bottom. The line is near the bottom, but fails to reach the bottom. For me, the bottom like is depressing. Stone Cold never admits that the bottom like is not at the bottom because he is afraid that you will judge him. He is scared that you will think he is not man enough to get his line all the way to the bottom. This fear is why he drinks. This fear is why most of the beer that he drinks doesn't hit his mouth. Why does Linda McMahon takes the worst Stunners? Because Stone Cold is afraid that Linda knows his secret. She sings the secret to herself to the tune of her entrance theme.
19. Do you have a Cabana?
I have one Cabana for personal use and one Cabana for entertaining guests. Come to my Cabana and we shall continue our midcard feud. Both Cabanas have a hammock hung between two palm trees, a large beach mat, two beach chairs, and a bushel basket of apples for some reason. Apples are exotic, but not as exotic as grapes. When you find yourself lost in a mysterious jungle, the first fruit you will come across should be grapes.
20. Do you beleive in the three I's?
No; "intelligence, integrity, and intensity" are myths. Wrestling fans don't have any of the three aforementioned qualities, let alone all three qualities simultaneously. They don't know magic's biggest secrets. How can they not know that doves fly out of everything? The other day, doves flew out of my shoes. I can't believe that Maria and the Masked Magician have to show you. The Masked Magican can barely see through his mask. He can't do his taxes in that mask.
21. Are you from the Caribean?
On an alternate version of Earth, I am from this place you call, "Caribean." On the weekends, Razor Ramon shows up at the fruit stand to dislike peaches. On the weekdays, Carlito appears to express his distaste for apples. Several wrestlers from this "Caribean" have poor opinions of fruit. When I get home to this alternate version of Earth, I will blow their minds and hand them tomatoes. Are tomatoes fruit or vegetables? Razor and Carlito will be at the fruit stand forever, trying to figure out whether to show their love or hatred for tomatoes.
22. Does it take 10 people to take you down, but you still put up a hell of a fight?
Yes; I am similar to John Cena in that regard. In addition, I like to recover from injury like John Cena. I walk around backstage, talking to my friends and enemies. As if I have never tasted sports drinks before, I down bottle after bottle of Gatorade. In WWE Films' upcoming feature entitled 12 Rounds, I fight ten nameless henchmen with Gatorade. First, I drink the Gatorade. Next, I wield empty Gatorade bottles in my hands. I fight like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but I use Gatorade, not nunchucks.
23. Do you only attack old people who cant do anything about it?
My goal in life is to attack every old person in the world. Old people are so old. They drive too slow, walk too slow, and eat creamed corn without teeth. I despite old people so much that I beat old people with other old people. Of course, they fight back and hit me with their canes, but I retaliate by depriving them of The Lawrence Welk Show. Old people are the Sting to my Hollywood Hulk Hogan. When I least expect them to appear, I notice them in the rafters, eating their pudding with paper spoons.
24. Do you have relatives who wrestled?
Absolutely. When I was six years old, my aunt and uncle used to wrestle without clothes in my kiddie pool. When I asked them what they were doing, my uncle told me that they were wrestling in an Iron Man Match. I suggested that I officiate the match, but I saw that they had the contest under control. My aunt was in a rear naked choke for about fifteen minutes, but she reversed the move into a Magistral Cradle. A few hours later, some strange lady joined them. If they had that match in the WWF, I think it would have won Match of the Year.
25. Do a lot of people hate you?
Out of the millions of people who make up the Swerved Nation, only half of them hate me. The other half think that I am okay at times, but otherwise they hate me, too. I am proud to have devoted fans who shower me with unconditional love and admiration. I feel the exact same way about them. I feel the exact same way about them with all my heart. I would want each of them to have my baby, but I fear that my future son or daughter would turn into Brundlefly.
26. Do you open up a can of whoopass whenever you get in the ring?
Are you kidding me? I would never open up a can of whoopass in the ring. Why would I want to spill gourmet whoopass everywhere? I am aware that Stone Cold Steve Austin prefers to open up cans of whoopass in the ring, but I am not Stone Cold Steve Austin. I would rather be like Santino Marella and open up a can of ass whip for it is fluffy, nutritious, and delicious. Santino Marella's ass whip: when a problem comes along, you must whip it with your ass.
27. Do you have problems with your tag team partners?
As a member of a tag team, having more than one tag team partner is troublesome. How long does that tag rope have to be? How long does that apron have to be to make room for my partners? I guess one of my tag partners will receive the hot tag, another partner will get the lukewarm tag, and my third tag team partner will be killed. My tag team does not tolerate cold tags.
28. Are you called a monster?
In the wrestling world, I am called many names -- innovator, genius, pioneer, leader, and refrigerator, none of which are equivalent to "monster." In the case of the people who call me refrigerator, please do not call me that name anymore. The next time I leave my home, I do not want fans approaching me with beverages. They can try to open me up, but that's not going to happen. I was born to analyze professional wrestling. I was not born to chill your Diet Dr. Pepper.
29. Do you like pain?
Both Kane and Snitsky adore pain. Also, they are bald and pale. If only bald and pale monsters adore pain, I do not adore pain. If you poke in the arm with your pinky finger, I will go into a coma. I swear to the Pope Todd Grisham, I will.
30. Do you have other people help you win?
Like any babyface named Batista, I do everything in my power to win World Heavyweight Titles. I summon Shawn Michaels by flashing a distress signal into the night sky that features a disheveled hobo in high pants and a cowboy hat. I ask the coast guard to drop what they are doing in international waters and accompany me to the ring. I call upon all three WWE General Managers to grant me title shot after title shot until I win. I wear ten women's tank tops at once. If I don't win by interference, I lose by lack of interference. I am Batista. When I don't walk alone, I walk with other people.
31. Are you an American Hero?
As of this writing, I am not a citizen of your United States of America. Despite the fact that I do not have American citizenship, I will myself to become your American Hero. Why? I can be your American Hero, baby. I can kiss away your American pain. I could stand by you in an American fashion forever. You can take my American breath away. I can be your American Hero.
32. Are you a crippler?
Well, this question is awkward. Even though I know to whom you are referring, I feel uncomfortable. This question is equivalent to saying hello to someone you think you know on the street, who then turns out to be a complete stranger, such as Satan's brother Roy. Am I a crippler? For now, I am not a crippler. I am not that dude from Marvel Comics.
33. Have you ever been in a fire?
Personally, I do not wish to associate myself with fire. I would rather be beside fire than in it. I heard fire is hot and can burn you. Please refer to the time that Shane McMahon kicked Kane in a dumpster of fire. To this day, Kane is recovering from all those burns by walking around shirtless. When you walk around shirtless, your burns will heal faster because they will make contact with wind -- Mother Nature's wound healer. Perhaps I am only one who feels this way, but hot and burning things do not appeal to me. Go ahead and flame-broil my burger. Once you flame-broil me, I think I will lose a lot of my flavour.
34. Do you cheat to win?
I never cheat to win (in wrestling matches). I prefer to do what Los Guerreros did instead. On occasion, I steal baby bottles from babies and women from yuppie tennis players. Against an elderly lady's wishes, I throw parties in her pool. Lastly, I bend the rules of golf. Whatever made Chavo Guerrero transform into Kerwin White is good enough for me.
35. Should they take this asswhoopin personally?
Who is this "they?" Are you talking about those guys next to the thing with other thing, or those fellows in the place with the stuff? For the information of both groups, they should take this asswhoopin personally because I made this asswhoop for them as a gift. I slaved over a hot stove, making asswhoop in my bathtub. I tore that bathtub out of the bathroom and placed it on my stove. They should be thankful.
36. Do you get along with your brothers?
Hunter Hearst Helmsley is my only brother, albeit a half brother. And yes, we continue to fight like half brothers. Whenever we hang out, he forces me to play his game. He makes me play his game while I'm eating pasta. He makes me play his game while he builds a model World War II fighter plane. When I try to play something else, he says, "Hey, why aren't you playing my game? I thought you were my half brother. If you half-love me like a half brother, you would play my game." That guilt trip never fails. When will Triple H play my game for a change?
37. Do you like beer?
Who do I look like to you? A migrant worker? Beer is for the lower class. When he was part of the Acolyte Protection Agency, Bradshaw drank beer at every opportunity. Now that he is a wealthy investor, John "Bradshaw" Layfield never drinks beer. For once in your life, reader, act like a high-class individual for a change. John "Bradshaw" Layfield drinks nothing but Mamajuana. After all, Mamajuana is sex in a bottle. In order to be high class, you must have relations with the bottle.
38. Are you Hardcore?
I despise people, places, and things with the name Hardcore. For example, Hardcore Holly is a living and breathing insult to both hardcore wrestlers and attractive girls named Holly. Out of the entire Holly family, Hardcore Holly is my least favourite. I hope Hardcore Holly still has that scale for super heavyweights. If he does have it, maybe he can weigh how much of a disappointment he continues to be on that scale. My dream is to be the opposite of Hardcore.
39. Do you like Fire and Brimstone?
Next to Simon and Garfunkel, Fire and Brimstone are my favourite folk music duo. In my view, Brimstone is a better acoustic guitarist than Fire. Then again, Fire smells like fire, whereas Brimstone smells like rotten eggs cooking over a furnace. My favourite song is their cover of Zebrahead's "Legs Like That," also known as Maria's entrance theme. That song reminds me of my own mortality for I die inside whenever I hear it. Maria's legs are not long at all. What the Fig Newtons?
40. Are you self confident, maybe a little to much?
In the industry, I am known as the greatest at everything in the entire world. In the realm of professional wrestling analysts, I am the most humble. I am not a little self-confident, nor too self-confident; rather, I have the perfect amount of self-confidence. I am the porridge that Goldilocks loves to eat. Of course, Goldilocks of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is a whorish drifter, but at least she knows quality.
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