There are seven billion of us. Out of that seven billion, six billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hundred of us will fail to realize our dreams. We all come from unique places, such as a lopsided hut built with elephant dung in the smoldering, barren plains of Africa, or in my case, a Medieval castle constructed out of unloved helper monkeys in a gated, West Coast community. We all have unique ways of looking at the world, except my way is right and yours is wrong. We don't always agree, but for this shining week, let's set it all aside. Let us come together to stand and cheer me on as I book a wrestling promotion to lasting greatness. Let us forget about all the things that make the other bookers terrible and remember all the things that make me an ingenious wrestling mind.
Maybe it's not how I perfectly book that forces you to root for me. Maybe's it not the sparkling, bright pink booking jacket on my back, or the fanciful booking music that you hear when I create an entertaining show that makes you cheer. Maybe it's simply that I am human; and you are almost human from a distance with bottle cap glasses over my eyes; and when I succeed, unsuccessful wrestling fans around the world witness how successful people manage to succeed.
Like a lot of people, Vince McMahon followed in his father's footsteps and went into the family business. Of course, that's a lot harder when the family business is trying to book as well as Stephen Rivera.
The Swerved with Stephen Rivera. Proud sponsor of this installment of The Booker, and the only site accepted on the internet.
Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. So long, McMahon family. In other news, water is now dry. Between bites of organic fruit salad, health-conscious people will try to drink from their environmentally-friendly water bottles. Yes, I'm going to get them good. Drinking water will feel like downing a cup of forest fire.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from the ground upwards. My company will entertain its viewers with new matches, feuds, interviews, and segments. Thankfully, SWE will never do Championship Scramble Matches. What gives Vince McMahon the right to confuse me, someone who is never confused? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, scramble matches will be non-title. Checkmate in a game of Chutes and Ladders, Vincent.
- While some characteristics of the WWE may be similar to those of SWE, the two promotions exist in alternate dimensions. World Wrestling Entertainment exists in a Sci-Fi Network Original Movie, living on a planet that features effeminate dragons as the ruling alien race. In turn, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment exists on Earth. Planet Earth? What a concept.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not allow wrestlers who are designated to one brand's show to appear on another. Everybody wants a piece of Jamie Noble, but everybody can't get a piece of Jamie Noble. This is the first and only rule of Jamie Noble Club.
- Check the archives for previous installments of The Booker. When you enter the underground vault, remember to blow away the many layers of dust on the cover of those archives to make it appear as though they are old and ancient. Next, meet an wise, elderly man who can tell you about the dangers of these archives in a semi-English accent. Before you continue, get Nicholas Cage to discover the truth behind these archives.
- Each monthly installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. Fortunately and unfortunately, Book of Dreams is the fourth of five installments. Although, I think The Booker will live on in your heart forever, like UPN's Shasta McNasty.
August 17, 2008
Presented by D'Lo Brown. D'Lo Brown: The little children say, "Who'Lo?"
World Heavyweight Title Match
Umaga (c) vs. Batista
SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. Triple H or John Cena
SWE Championship #1 Contender Match
Triple H vs. John Cena
SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way Match
Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle
ECW Championship Triple Threat Elimination Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy
Shawn Michaels vs. Edge
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment told Lance Cade to stay in rehab. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment thinks his star-power will rub off on rehab.
- Triple H makes his triumphant return to RAW to the tune of Motorhead's "King of Kings" and "The Game." Even in SWE, I can't stop Triple H from having two entrance themes. Apparently, it is time to play the game of kings -- Guess Who? Does your person have Lemmy-inspired facial hair? No? You and your rosy cheeks are gone, Bill. With a breathy, snarling voice, Hunter calls out William Regal and his Kingdom. After a minute of silence, Regal shows up on the big screen with Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. He laughs at Triple H for thinking that the King of SWE would show up on command and endanger himself in the company of a lowly savage. Regal tells Hunter that he will grant him his shot when he deserves it, on a stage appropriate for the presence of a king. What do you mean? Gary, Indiana is a wonderland.
- Behind the scenes, Santino Marella and Carlito discuss the current state of the tag team division. Marella claims that RAW has too many teams from the "streets of the hippity hop." True, true. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment has an abundance of bunnies from Compton. He does not understand why an international powerhouse like Santino and Carlito are not in the tag team title hunt. Carlito suggests that they should adopt a new philosophy.
- Backstage, your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela catches up with a returning Candice Michelle. Candice announces that she is back and better than ever. Unless the doctor replaced her clavicles with carbon nanotubes, I don't believe her. In anticipation for the upcoming rematch between Mickie James and Natalya, Candice lends her support to Mickie. Wait, that's her return? She should have plugged ProceedFather.org.
- Chris Jericho presents a highlight video of his Pay-Per-View victory over Rey Mysterio. Jericho encourages the audience to see the real Rey Mysterio, not the man with the mask but the man behind the mask. That is no man behind the mask. Rey Mysterio resembles my six-year-old, second cousin Churro Fair. My cousin is from Mexico. He was named after the place where he was conceived. At the end of segment, Jericho invites the viewers to stay tuned for Mysterio's final match on RAW.
- As Triple H paces in the hallway, John Cena confronts him. Cena offers to help Hunter take down the Kingdom. In response, Triple H stares at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He shoves Cena away and walks to the arena exit. Hunter does not need any help. If he's ever in trouble, Triple H can summon a third Motorhead theme.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews an irate LAX. Homicide and Hernandez initiate a bleeping tirade, cursing out the new World Tag Team Champions. Homicide tells Korpela that the turf war between LAX and Cryme Tyme is far from over.
- Via satellite feed, Mr. Kennedy appears at SWE Headquarters with an upper body cast. The Intercontinental Champion thanks his fans for the well-wishes and balloons, then apologizes to CM Punk. Ken admits that he should have revealed the severity of his mystery injures earlier. How do you injury your whole torso, but not the rest of your body? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want my own sweater vest-like cast.
- For the second week in a row, Triple H begins Monday Night RAW in the middle of the ring. Just as Hunter breathes into the microphone, King William Regal and his Kingdom appear on the video screen. Regal gives a hearty hello to Triple H and wishes him good luck in the RAW main event. He informs him that Hunter's passion to dethrone the King of SWE is commendable for a former king. Oh. No. He. Did. Not. I believe the fight is on like a bonbon. With Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea by his side, Regal announces his decision for the Pay-Per-View: Triple H will receive his SWE Championship shot on August 17th, if and only if he defeats his opponent beforehand in a number one contender match. For a reason unbeknowst to fans other than Hunter, Triple H asks the screen to tell him who his opponent will be in said match. On the screen, Regal laughs, then assures Hunter that he will reveal his opponent later in the night. Wow, Hunter is a magician as well? I can’t compete with Triple H the Mage.
- Candice Michelle prepares for her upcoming match. She's wearing something glittery with rainbows. She's outright stealing The Great Khali's WrestleMania XXV costume.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's latest shenanigans. Punk sarcastically applauds Ken's act and plans to vote for him for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. If Punk is going to vote for Mr. Kennedy, he should wait until Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia arrives in theatres. I heard that film is
- In perfect timing, Mr. Kennedy comes to you live from SWE Headquarters to update CM Punk and his fans on his current condition. Ken buffs his Intercontinental Title in noticeable agony. The doctor told Ken not to lift heavy machinery or shine bright abdominal accessories. Please take his advice, Kennedy. Kennedy stresses that if he doesn't make it, he wants Punk to bury the Intercontinental Championship next to his intercontinental body. With that heartbreaking performance, I vote Mr. Kennedy for Ultimate Winner of the Universe.
- Homicide and Hernandez walk up the ramp and mouth off to the ringside fans. To the audience's delight, a broken-down Shad and JTG meet them, wielding crutches. While Cryme Tyme pummels LAX, Homicide and Hernandez stumble out of harm’s way.
- All by himself, Chris Jericho stews in the locker room. He is available to take out his frustrations on those who wear towels everywhere they go, even though that they have not yet showered.
- Hunter remains in the ring to await King Regal's announcement. When Regal's theme blasts over the speakers, Triple H searches for a place to direct a mad, violent beating. A lone spotlight shines on a skybox near the on-camera side of the arena. Regal emerges from the skybox, waves to Hunter, then points to the top of the ramp. To conclude the show, Hunter watches Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea shove an unconscious John Cena down the ramp.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela starts off RAW with an interview with SWE Women's Champion Natalya. Korpela urges Natalya to express her thoughts on the upcoming fatal four-way match at Mobsters Eating Pasta, one of the more prestigious events featuring professional businessmen consuming anger hair on the current wrestling scene. Natalya stresses that she has nothing to worry about the match because Beth Phoenix has her back. For the entire interview, Beth takes passing glances at Natalya's championship belt. I know that look anywhere. Natalya is right. She does not have to worry. In case that belt falls off Natalya's shoulder, Beth's glance should keep it from hitting the ground. Sure, that’s what Beth is doing.
- William Regal and his Kingdom interrupt the show with their arrival to the arena skybox. In the presence of the King of SWE, the fans are rather rude. Regal ought to bathe every single one of them in the River Thames. Prince Paul hands Regal the microphone on an ornate pillow while Princess Katie dusts off his royal coat. After last week's announcement of a Number One Contender Match between Triple H and John Cena, Regal wants to know who their true hero is now: the vengeful man who does no care whether his allies live or die, or a generous ruler who puts the interests of the citizens before himself? Regal understands that few people are unable to cheer for a man with more power than they could ever imagine, but wants the audience to see that he is not a bad person. Unlike Triple H, he sympathizes with their hardships. Hunter will require a fourth Motorhead theme to rebut Regal's claim.
- With Mr. Kennedy, cast and all, in a wheelchair, an SWE official pushes the Intercontinental Champion's down the hallway. Ken is about ready to make a big announcement concerning his physical condition. I bet he announces how itchy that cast is on his upper body.
- A brittle Mr. Kennedy addresses the SWE audience, holding back the painful tears that wish to run down his face. Mr. Kennedy clutches his title in one hand and tells the audience about his injury. Several weeks ago, moments before he his title match against CM Punk, he fell down a set of five stairs and broke his entire upper body. I don't know about you, but I buy it. When I was ten, I broke my pelvis trying to lift a heavy fork. Though Mr. Kennedy is confident that he will make a full recovery, he will be unable to compete at Sunday's Pay-Per-View. To conclude his announcement, he wishes CM Punk the best of luck in his other endeavours. Speaking of the man, CM Punk stomps to the ring, pushes Ken's assistant aside, and kicks the champion out of his wheelchair. Upon impact with the mat, Ken's paper-maché cast shatters into pieces. Before Punk can attack him further, Kennedy scurries out of the ring with his title. Why, Mr. Kennedy has been faking all along. Oh well. In the world of professional wrestling, lying makes you more honest somehow.
- Cryme Tyme utilize the grey curtain to respond to LAX. Shad and JTG can't take the Latin American Xchange anymore. They are tired of Homicide and Hernandez running their mouth. Together, they raise their World Tag Team Titles in the air and beg LAX to come and get them. Cryme Tyme will fight until they don’t have any fighting limbs left. Even then, they may fight with their ears.
- Chris Jericho catches up with Mark Henry to give him pointers for his match against Rey Mysterio. Point number one: Avoid draping your body over the middle rope. Point number two: Don't get distracted by Mysterio's bright, flashy wardrobe. Point number three: Have fun out there. Point number three is the most important point. Henry must retrieve a notepad and a pen or a number two pencil.
- Backstage, Triple H comes across a battered John Cena. Hunter tries to get Cena's attention, but John refuses to face him. As Triple H is about to apologize, John Cena shuts him up and tells him to win his damn match so they battle it out at the Pay-Per-View already. Triple H leaves as a speechless man, which should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H promos in the past.
Triple H vs. William Regal: 89%
Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 87%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 61%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 87%
- Randy Orton takes his ball and goes home to Ballville, Missouri
- Vickie Guerrero and the rest of La Familia congratulate MVP on his Pay-Per-View victory over Shawn Michaels. Due to his decisive win over HBK, Porter expresses concern for his safety. He doesn't think Shawn Michaels will react to the loss in a civil manner. The Smackdown GM assures MVP that he and his SWE United States Title should not fret. When you are a championship belt, you fret about everything. You wonder how you will pay for your belt buckle's college education. Employers don't look too fondly on single championship belts. They ask, "What don't you have a spouse? A belt buckle needs a positive female sash in its life."
- Maria interviews Batista about the odd messages he has been receiving as of late. With the Evolution t-shirt in his grasp, Batista chuckles. Outdated wrestling t-shirts are hilarious. They should take up stand-up comedy, or become rags for kitchen maintenance. Batista announces that Evolution is long over, yet thanks the mystery man for the souvenir. Randy Orton used his birthday money to buy you that shirt. Be more grateful.
- Outside the arena, Shawn Michaels arrives with his dead eyes. He reminds me of an unkempt, cross-eyed prospector. I want to call him Cornelious Hornblower. In a security shirt, Edge walks up to Shawn and refuses to grant him access to the arena. I wouldn't trust a man named Cornelius Hornblower either. When Shawn asks him whether or not MVP put him up to this stunt, Edge pretends not to listen. Just as Shawn raises his fist, MVP appears behind a wall of Smackdown security and smirks at him. A hesitant Shawn leaves the premises.
- Backstage, Umaga holds his World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth and watches his Pay-Per-View title win over the Undertaker again and again. Crazy. Samoan Bulldozers dig their TiVo. If this event comes out on Blu-ray, Umaga is going to freak.
- The Cobras head down the infamous backstage hallway and ponder what went wrong in the aftermath of their debut match. From a distance, Funaki observes the team and shakes his head in disappointment. Boys have bad attitude. Karate for defense only.
- The grey curtain promo returns. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely convey feelings or sorrow for Finlay and Hornswoggle. They don't want to maim a father in front of his son, or vice versa, but they can't help themselves. With a sigh, Chavo and Bam vow to end the rivalry so they can all move on with their lives.
- Umaga wanders around ringside with his belt, then stands up on the announce table in triumph. When Batista locks eyes with him, the audience's Undertaker chants transform into chants for Batista. As the show goes off the air, Batista continues to stare down Umaga.
- La Familia and Montel Vontavious Porter accompany Edge to the ring. In order to drown out the jeers, Edge apologizes to Shawn Michaels for his antics last week. He did not mean to take away a HBK appearance from the Smackdown audience, nor did he want to insult the legacy of "The Showstopper." Edge urges Shawn to come down to the ring and accept his sincere apology. As La Familia stares at the entranceway, Edge leans against the corner in waiting. Out from the crowd, Shawn Michaels leaps to the apron and catches Edge with a Superkick that sends the man face first to the mat. La Familia turn around to notice Shawn hop over the barricade. Before he makes his exit, Shawn gains Porter's attention and gestures that he will be the next Superkick victim. I expect many years of success for this young upstart.
- As a follow-up to last week's show, Maria interviews Batista about his thoughts on his meeting with Umaga. Batista is not a fan of Umaga's aggressive glare. He tells Maria that Umaga may be Smackdown's monster for now, but Batista will always be "The Animal." Hold your horses and your carriages. Batista is otherwise known as "The Animal"? Don't reveal all your secrets at once, David.
- Elsewhere, Jamie Noble cherishes his newfound friendship with The Great Khali. Vladimir Kozlov reluctantly walks next to them as Noble sits on Khali's shoulders. Noble exclaims that he feels "eleventy jillion feet tall." Whenever I see a happy Jamie Noble, I feel as though I am "eleventy jillion feet tall."
- Backstage, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter spar with each other to mixed results. From afar, Funaki watches The Cobras and strokes his non-existent beard. You see, Ken Doane's lack of headband forces him to adjust his entire technique. Without that familiar weight on his head, his entire equilibrium is out of whack.
- Grey Curtain Promo Corner features London and Kendrick. Even though they are down in their series against Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang, they are not sweating it. In my opinion, London and Kendrick are done. For one, they are not the only team with London and Kendrick-related capabilities. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will separate them and give them new gimmicks. One day, you will witness A Paul London and A Brian Kendrick make their breathtaking debuts.
- Big Show strolls down the backstage hallway, massaging his Chokeslamming hand. Where is he going? Does this arena have a hand spa? Put white gloves on Big Show's hands and you are one-tenth closer to a giant version of Mickey Mouse.
- Like strangers in the night exchanging flirtatious glances, Umaga and Batista lock eyes. The Samoan Bulldozer slides out of the ring and yells at Batista in Samoan. Batista shouts back at Umaga in Batistan. I don't understand either language. Umaga pauses, then backtracks from ringside. He shall save his bulldozing for a later date.
- Next to an irate Edge, SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter whines in the ring about Shawn Michaels' use of the Superkick. "He can't be usin' that. No, no, no. He can't be usin' that." If MVP wishes to join Floyd Mayweather's posse, now is the time. Edge snatches the microphone from MVP and tells Shawn that if he uses the Superkick on him again, he'll have Vickie ban him from Friday Night Smackdown for life. The empty threat entices HBK to make his presence known. As Shawn enters the ring, Porter stands behind Edge. Shawn informs Edge if he has to go through him before he gets another chance MVP, so be it. On this night, he does not choose to fight either man. Shawn Michaels is a snake in the grass -- a born-again, Christian snake.
- Umaga, the World Heavyweight Champion, enters the building. He chooses to simultaneously walk and chew his championship belt. I heard the leather of a championship belt sort of tastes a hamburger to an individual without tastebuds.
- Edge and MVP head to Vickie Guerrero's office to request a match between Shawn Michaels and the R-Rated Superstar. Before MVP questions his role in the match, Vickie directs the cameraman away from the office and whispers sweet somethings in Porter's ear. Vickie is a weird woman. She must be the only wrestling general manager who refuses to divulge her secrets in front of millions.
- Backstage, The Cobras converse with Funaki. For the betterment of the group, Doane requests Funaki's guidance while Jeter fails to catch flies with the chopsticks. Funaki agrees to be their sensei, but first, they must install a satellite radio in his car. Doane and Jeter accept this educational task.
- Maria interviews Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Chavo attempts to spin Finlay's shillelagh in his hand, but drops it on the ground. At the same time, Bam Neely wears Hornswoggle's hat, slightly to the side of his face. Together, they are willing to take Finlay and Hornswoggle out of their misery. What misery, Chavo? They have your poncho. Finally, they have the tools to dress like Martha Stewart.
- In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov prepares for his main event match. Jamie Noble meets Kozlov on the shoulders of The Great Khali. Noble asks Vladimir if he wants to go see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Vladimir wonders if Jamie knows that he has a match tonight. Jamie scoffs at Vladimir's match and says, "You have many chances to wrestle in the main event, but you only have one chance to see paints travel in Greece." After much thought, Vladimir tells them to see the film without him. Nuts to him. Traveling pants are no fun to watch without Vladimir Kozlov.
- A Batista paces outside of the ring, Umaga storms into the shot and a brawl ensues -- a pier-seven brawl. To the sound of Undertaker chants, Umaga wins the brawl with a Samoan Spike to Batista's throat. Batista rolls around and clutches his neck in eye-bulging pain. From my living room chair with a newspaper in front of my face, I specifically told Batista not to show so much neck. Showing that much neck only leads to trouble with the boys, but what can do you? Daughters will be daughters.
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 85%
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 65%
Wrestling fans purchase wrestling merchandise with real money.
- ECW Champion Samoa Joe enters the ring and evaluates his successful title defense against AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy. He thinks that Jeff and AJ are extreme, but not as extreme as himself. I am not convinced. Where are his crack whores? When does he appear on The Nashville Network? Jeff Hardy interrupts Joe and challenges the champion to a second match. Next, AJ Styles interrupts Jeff Hardy to inform him that before Jeff gets his shot against Joe, he needs to settle unfinished business with the champion. To build up tension for the Pay-Per-View, Disco Inferno tells Jeff and AJ that they get along before he grant either man a title match. He forces Jeff and AJ to shake hands under the mirror ball.
- In an interview with Pope Todd Grisham, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly urge Big Daddy V and Matt Striker to bring on the fight. Sydal and Kelly appear ready to battle, what with their sexy, sepia tone embrace in a field of wheat. They are more than ready.
- In a hype video, a mystery man straggles into a crowded, Old West saloon and manhandles a group of cowboys looking for trouble. Braden Walker is to Clark Kent as Chris Harris is to Superman.
- Matt Striker and Big Daddy V welcome viewers to the latest edition of ECW on Sci Fi. Tonight, Striker assures the fans that Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly will go down in history as the first American Made Models to fall victim to Big Daddy V. Does Striker speak truths? A few months ago, I thought Big Daddy V took out Sports Illustrated Covergirl Marissa Miller in an Extreme Rules Match. I recall Marissa's Miller Time (snap DDT) was unable to take him down.
- Backstage, John Morrison argues with The Miz about his lack of support. In response, The Miz talks about Morrison's lack of support. Sadly, they are not on the same page. They are not even on the same book.
- At ringside, the ECW Champion gloats about his altruistic deed. How do Styles and Hardy show their appreciation? They launch themselves out of the ring with dual suicide dives on Samoa Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine flops and fumbles around to close the show.
- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager, encounters Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles in his disco office. Jeff and AJ emphasize their recent willingness work together. While Disco is not happy about their ambush on Samoa Joe last week , he is a disco man of his disco word. Disco grants them both a shot at the ECW Championship. At SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles will challenge Samoa Joe for the belt in a three-way elimination match. This time, triple threat rules do no apply. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will never call this match a "three-way dance." Why? Three-way dances are for considerate couples who let their lonely friend join them in the fanciful dancing festivities. Three-way dances are for the old ECW. In the new ECW, considerate couples force their lonely friend to hold their jackets while they dance. This match is extremely extreme.
- Backstage, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly thank Colt Cabana for his help. Colt Cabana is glad to assist American heroes and heroines like Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly. Without their talent for modelling products in both colour and black and white situations, teenagers around America would not know what to buy, drink, eat, do, or wear. In my ECW, Colt Cabana is a hero, but a minor hero. He is the first Ewok killed in Return of the Jedi.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews John Morrison and The Miz on their upcoming main event matchup. Before the Pope can get to the nitty-gritty, The Miz denies the public rumours of a team breakup. The Miz does not want to move from the Palace of Wisdom. The Palace of Wisdom is affordable cloud housing at its finest. With the Palace of Wisdom, you will never want to move again.
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 88%
The epic conclusion of The Booker. The battle for the throne shall climax, two men shall fight for peace, and the drama of it all will make the company implode in on itself. Hold on, cliffhangers. You will not hang much longer.
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