In my entire life as a professional wrestling watcher, I have never witnessed a moment as great as the one that made Mike Adamle the new General Manager of Monday Night RAW. On that infamous, late July evening, I stood up and applauded as the former NFL running back, the former host of American Gladiators, the former play-by-play announcer for ECW, and the former ordinary human being became extraordinarily immortal. Forget WrestleMania I to XXIV; don't bother remembering any of the Super Bowls. Most of all, take your Beijing Summer Games and get them out of Michael David Adamle's spotlight. If you refuse to appreciate the new RAW GM at this instant, I will be coming for you. For the first time in a long while, I am not kidding. I don't even need to know your home or work address to find you. My sheer dislike for your existence will somehow fashion a Global Positioning System in my mind. At that point, I will let the kind and friendly yet sultry and seductive female voice tell me where to place a long line of slippery banana pills. As you leave your dilapidated home with a piece of cardboard for a front door or your fast food workplace with a C- restaurant health rating, you will slip on these peels towards a cliff. Happy landing. I hope you enjoy getting your face eaten by sharks and seagulls.
As I praise the one known as Adamle, the new boss of RAW continues to revolutionize the wrestling general manager position. Almost nobody believes that Mike Adamle can top the zany reign of Eric Bischoff and his assistant Chief Morley, but I do. I believe in the impossible. Of course, Jonathan Coachman was legendary in his roles as Vince McMahon's executive assistant and interim RAW General Manager. Can Mike Adamle command the same type of respect? Absolutely, positively yes with yes sprinkles on top of those other soft serve yeses. While Adamle is not a king like William Regal, he sure can speak like one. In the future, Mike Adamle will inspire the nation with the power of the spoken word from the power of the written word. When you think about the history of RAW, Mike Adamle reads from pieces of paper like no other general manager before him. Until Mike Adamle came along, I never knew general managers could read. In fact, I thought wrestling general managers received their information via interpretive dance. Now that I am aware that Mike Adamle is literate and uses eyeglasses for purposes other than burning ants on the sidewalk, RAW looks to be in excellent shape.
Why am I so confident about Mike Adamle, nobody asks? Well, let me relay this answer to you, nobody in particular. Mike Adamle is the first general manager to strive for originality. With the introduction of the "Adamle Original," Monday Night RAW is a better show. Do mine retinas fool me? Am I watching a weekly sports entertainment program, or am I watching the beauty of life in motion? Since Mike Adamle appears to be a mainstay on Monday nights, I don't think I will ever manage to tell the difference. Simply put, Mike Adamle completes World Wrestling Entertainment. Adamle is their rock. Adamle is their hard place. Adamle is whatever WWE wants him to be.
In the presence of the new RAW GM, I am humbled. Despite my tireless efforts to achieve everlasting greatness, I will never be as fantastic as Mike Adamle. I will never be as smart as Mike Adamle. Finally, I will never be Mike Adamle. One day, I must accept my fate. Until that day rears its daily head, I plan to learn from Adamle. In this case, the student may not become the teacher, but perhaps the student can ace the teacher’s course.
This week, I will learn about the "Adamle Original." How does it work? Why is it successful? How can I apply the “Adamle Original" to my own existence? Join me in this wonderful journey or prepare to not join me in this wonderful journey. The choice is sort of yours to make.
Mike Adamle cannot stress this Adamle Original rule enough. Don't bother creating an Adamle Original if you do not wish to obey this first rule. If you conjure up an idea and you’re not Mike Adamle, that idea is not an Adamle Original. If you say, "Oh hey, here's an Adamle Original for you. Let's have CM Punk face John "Bradshaw” Layfield in a match in which they do not wrestle against each other, but wrestle on each other. This match will have less friction. Also, if the match continues into the winter, both competitors will be warm. They will create an emergency blanket situation that is rather beneficial." No, you can't make that match. You're not Mike Adamle. "How about this one? Let's have Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels battle in a vision test at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The wrestler who is the least near sighted wins." Sorry, friend. You're not Mike Adamle either, what with your inability to appear Adamlean.
To my knowledge, this planet contains one Mike Adamle. For the other human beings who share his name, please get a new one. You are not the RAW General Manager, nor do you deserve to have the same name as a prestigious, professional wrestling general manager. From this point forward, every Mike Adamle who is not a general manager in World Wrestling Entertainment shall be renamed Alaquisha Spaceshipman. With a name like Alaquisha Spaceshipman, you better pray that they sell durable, yarmulke-friendly hair weaves on Jupiter. Make it so, Name Giving Saint Nicholas.
Mike Adamle is a born winner. Straight from the womb, Mike Adamle has been the personification of victory. When the doctor took Adamle out from his mother, Mike slapped the doctor before the doctor could slap him. Mike Adamle is a lot like Chuck Norris, if only Chuck Norris was thrice the man that Mike Adamle is on his worst day. Because Mike Adamle is a born winner who spawns winnings things, Adamle Originals must be winners, too. With a single week under his belt as RAW GM, Mike Adamle has already topped Bill Goldberg's undefeated streak. As Mike Adamle, do not try to present any random idea as an Adamle Original. Your strategy will not work.
If you want to tell the difference between an Adamle Original and a wannabe Adamle Original, pay attention to your initial reaction. Does the proposal cause intense nausea and vomiting, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating, or uncontrollable arousal? For those of you who experience arousal for more than four hours, consult your doctor. Inform him or her that you have stumbled upon an Adamle Original. Also, if your doctor is a physically attractive female, or if she attractive from the inside when you get to know her personality, attempt to inform her from the waist down. For example, walk up to her from behind, hold her closer to you with your gentle hands, then kick her in the ovaries. After all, when in Rome, kick the Romans in their ovaries.
Mike Adamle despises the one-on-one wrestling match. He never wants to encounter a one-on-one wrestling match again. When Mike was a little boy, his parents had to check for one-on-one wrestling matches under his bed.
This past week on RAW, Mike Adamle went out of his way to create a bout that was not one-on-one. Following an intense argument between JBL and Chris Jericho to decide whether or not Y2J looked convincing in short tights (his exposed legs can be compared to two breakfast sausages trying to escape from a black hole), Mike Adamle set up a handicap match. On that night, John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Chris Jericho had to battle CM Punk. If Bradshaw or Jericho won, that man would receive a Summerslam title shot. If Punk defeated either man, neither Bradshaw or Jericho would receive the shot. If the handicap match exceeded the ten-minute time limit, the Summerslam match would be JBL versus Chris Jericho versus CM Punk in a triple threat. Finally, if Jericho guillotined JBL on the top rope, who then pinned Punk with his massive flab, the audience would be forced to not care. Do you see what Adamle Originals can do for you?
The next time that you are Mike Adamle and propose an Adamle Original matchup, make the match as needlessly complicated as possible. Assign two referees for the match rather than one referee. Add a fourth rope to the wrestling ring to confuse competitors into thinking that they have transported themselves to a boxing ring. Enclose the contest in the confines of one steel cage, one bamboo cage, and one rice paper cage. I don't know about you, but I would pay a considerable amount of dollar dollars to witness one wrestler bloody another with an Irish whip into a rice paper cage. The force of the paper should tickle the blood right out of the wrestler's opponent. The power of Adamle Originals is in you, right beside your guts.
Kelly Kelly is the first of several women who will bare witness to an Adamle Original on a piece of furniture with Mike Adamle, who will sit on a piece of furniture as well. When I reminisce about the most memorable diva-sitting moments in World Wrestling Entertainment history, Kelly Kelly sitting with Mike Adamle for no significant reason shoots up to the number one position. In terms of WWE Divas and Adamle Originals, ponder the endless possibilities. Kelly Kelly on a sofa, you say? How about Lilian Garcia on a Lay-Z-Boy? Better yet, how about Layla on a china cabinet? Oh, Layla El. You're so unpredictable. In addition, you're Superman's North African cousin. I don't know what you'll do next. Will you dance in the ring to run-of-the-mill stock music under a nonsensical, flashing light display? Every time you dance, you prove that Adamle Originals have never been seen before.
Without a WWE Diva with nothing important to do by his general managing side, Mike Adamle cannot call his ideas Adamle Originals. To the aspiring readers who wish to become Mike Adamle one day, do not forget to watch your Adamle Original next to a beautiful WWE Diva in a platonic manner. Don't put your arm around her. Don't compliment her looks either. Remember that wrestling general managers are the best looking fellows. No female in this world is not attracted to a wrestling general manager. Use your authority, don't abuse your authority. One love on a leather chair adjacent to a sofa with a WWE Diva on it.
To better understand this final rule, let's call you Mike Adamle for a second. Congratulations. At this moment, you are tremendous. In your mind, let's pretend that you are cooking up the next great Adamle Original. As Mike Adamle, you invent an entertaining sport in which athletic performers display various striking and grappling techniques in bouts of choreographed combat on an elevated, square stage before a populated venue. Away from the square stage, these performers assume exaggerated personas and participate in scripted storylines that borrow aspects from real-life conflicts. After much thought, you call this sport "professional wrestling." Now, I'm not a historian, but I believe you have an Adamle Original on your hands. Before Mike Adamle arrived on the scene, professional wrestling did not exist. Wrestlers were called "fighting people." Wrestling events were deemed "athletic fighting people expeditions." World Wrestling Entertainment was the "International I Don't Like You Fisticuffs League." While the given name does not reveal much, the two most important ingredients to the Adamle Original are Mike Adamle and Mike Adamle's originality. Put those two entities together and you will be golden like what.
As Mike Adamle, you wield tremendous power with Adamle Originals. Do not get carried away with your ideas. Having Adamle Originals at your disposal is like owning the blueprints to create fire without oxygen, or fluffy chocolate treats with only two musketeers. Whatever you do, do not construct a match in which two wrestlers team up to battle two other wrestlers. When you introduce that type of concept into the world, you are dealing with the most devilish of devils. For the sake of males everywhere, do not make women fight other women. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I have never seen a woman wrestle another. Women don't fight. They do my laundry. They wear expensive clothes and makeup to appear prettier than they are. Ladies are living, breathing rear-view-mirrors. That's it, that's all. I want to keep it that way. Get these dames out of my rag top, will you?
1 comment:
This article was so funny and great that it's almost as if Mike Adamle had written it himself. Classic Swerved material!
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