NEXT WEEK
Knock me out.
AND
If people tried to shoot at you at your job all day long, just about anything would start to look like a gun: staplers, a candy bar; even G.I. Joe's black, brave friend: The Tuskegee Airman.
Monday, August 25, 2008
KaraokE: Freddie Prinze Jr's New Career Path
NEXT WEEK
Knock me out.
AND
If people tried to shoot at you at your job all day long, just about anything would start to look like a gun: staplers, a candy bar; even G.I. Joe's black, brave friend: The Tuskegee Airman.
The Booker: Book of Dreams
There are seven billion of us. Out of that seven billion, six billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hundred of us will fail to realize our dreams. We all come from unique places, such as a lopsided hut built with elephant dung in the smoldering, barren plains of Africa, or in my case, a Medieval castle constructed out of unloved helper monkeys in a gated, West Coast community. We all have unique ways of looking at the world, except my way is right and yours is wrong. We don't always agree, but for this shining week, let's set it all aside. Let us come together to stand and cheer me on as I book a wrestling promotion to lasting greatness. Let us forget about all the things that make the other bookers terrible and remember all the things that make me an ingenious wrestling mind.
Maybe it's not how I perfectly book that forces you to root for me. Maybe's it not the sparkling, bright pink booking jacket on my back, or the fanciful booking music that you hear when I create an entertaining show that makes you cheer. Maybe it's simply that I am human; and you are almost human from a distance with bottle cap glasses over my eyes; and when I succeed, unsuccessful wrestling fans around the world witness how successful people manage to succeed.
Like a lot of people, Vince McMahon followed in his father's footsteps and went into the family business. Of course, that's a lot harder when the family business is trying to book as well as Stephen Rivera.
The Swerved with Stephen Rivera. Proud sponsor of this installment of The Booker, and the only site accepted on the internet.
Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. So long, McMahon family. In other news, water is now dry. Between bites of organic fruit salad, health-conscious people will try to drink from their environmentally-friendly water bottles. Yes, I'm going to get them good. Drinking water will feel like downing a cup of forest fire.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from the ground upwards. My company will entertain its viewers with new matches, feuds, interviews, and segments. Thankfully, SWE will never do Championship Scramble Matches. What gives Vince McMahon the right to confuse me, someone who is never confused? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, scramble matches will be non-title. Checkmate in a game of Chutes and Ladders, Vincent.
- While some characteristics of the WWE may be similar to those of SWE, the two promotions exist in alternate dimensions. World Wrestling Entertainment exists in a Sci-Fi Network Original Movie, living on a planet that features effeminate dragons as the ruling alien race. In turn, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment exists on Earth. Planet Earth? What a concept.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not allow wrestlers who are designated to one brand's show to appear on another. Everybody wants a piece of Jamie Noble, but everybody can't get a piece of Jamie Noble. This is the first and only rule of Jamie Noble Club.
- Check the archives for previous installments of The Booker. When you enter the underground vault, remember to blow away the many layers of dust on the cover of those archives to make it appear as though they are old and ancient. Next, meet an wise, elderly man who can tell you about the dangers of these archives in a semi-English accent. Before you continue, get Nicholas Cage to discover the truth behind these archives.
- Each monthly installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. Fortunately and unfortunately, Book of Dreams is the fourth of five installments. Although, I think The Booker will live on in your heart forever, like UPN's Shasta McNasty.
August 17, 2008
Presented by D'Lo Brown. D'Lo Brown: The little children say, "Who'Lo?"
World Heavyweight Title Match
Umaga (c) vs. Batista
SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. Triple H or John Cena
SWE Championship #1 Contender Match
Triple H vs. John Cena
SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way Match
Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle
ECW Championship Triple Threat Elimination Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy
Shawn Michaels vs. Edge
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment told Lance Cade to stay in rehab. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment thinks his star-power will rub off on rehab.
- Triple H makes his triumphant return to RAW to the tune of Motorhead's "King of Kings" and "The Game." Even in SWE, I can't stop Triple H from having two entrance themes. Apparently, it is time to play the game of kings -- Guess Who? Does your person have Lemmy-inspired facial hair? No? You and your rosy cheeks are gone, Bill. With a breathy, snarling voice, Hunter calls out William Regal and his Kingdom. After a minute of silence, Regal shows up on the big screen with Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. He laughs at Triple H for thinking that the King of SWE would show up on command and endanger himself in the company of a lowly savage. Regal tells Hunter that he will grant him his shot when he deserves it, on a stage appropriate for the presence of a king. What do you mean? Gary, Indiana is a wonderland.
- Behind the scenes, Santino Marella and Carlito discuss the current state of the tag team division. Marella claims that RAW has too many teams from the "streets of the hippity hop." True, true. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment has an abundance of bunnies from Compton. He does not understand why an international powerhouse like Santino and Carlito are not in the tag team title hunt. Carlito suggests that they should adopt a new philosophy.
- Backstage, your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela catches up with a returning Candice Michelle. Candice announces that she is back and better than ever. Unless the doctor replaced her clavicles with carbon nanotubes, I don't believe her. In anticipation for the upcoming rematch between Mickie James and Natalya, Candice lends her support to Mickie. Wait, that's her return? She should have plugged ProceedFather.org.
- Chris Jericho presents a highlight video of his Pay-Per-View victory over Rey Mysterio. Jericho encourages the audience to see the real Rey Mysterio, not the man with the mask but the man behind the mask. That is no man behind the mask. Rey Mysterio resembles my six-year-old, second cousin Churro Fair. My cousin is from Mexico. He was named after the place where he was conceived. At the end of segment, Jericho invites the viewers to stay tuned for Mysterio's final match on RAW.
- As Triple H paces in the hallway, John Cena confronts him. Cena offers to help Hunter take down the Kingdom. In response, Triple H stares at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He shoves Cena away and walks to the arena exit. Hunter does not need any help. If he's ever in trouble, Triple H can summon a third Motorhead theme.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews an irate LAX. Homicide and Hernandez initiate a bleeping tirade, cursing out the new World Tag Team Champions. Homicide tells Korpela that the turf war between LAX and Cryme Tyme is far from over.
- Via satellite feed, Mr. Kennedy appears at SWE Headquarters with an upper body cast. The Intercontinental Champion thanks his fans for the well-wishes and balloons, then apologizes to CM Punk. Ken admits that he should have revealed the severity of his mystery injures earlier. How do you injury your whole torso, but not the rest of your body? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want my own sweater vest-like cast.
- For the second week in a row, Triple H begins Monday Night RAW in the middle of the ring. Just as Hunter breathes into the microphone, King William Regal and his Kingdom appear on the video screen. Regal gives a hearty hello to Triple H and wishes him good luck in the RAW main event. He informs him that Hunter's passion to dethrone the King of SWE is commendable for a former king. Oh. No. He. Did. Not. I believe the fight is on like a bonbon. With Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea by his side, Regal announces his decision for the Pay-Per-View: Triple H will receive his SWE Championship shot on August 17th, if and only if he defeats his opponent beforehand in a number one contender match. For a reason unbeknowst to fans other than Hunter, Triple H asks the screen to tell him who his opponent will be in said match. On the screen, Regal laughs, then assures Hunter that he will reveal his opponent later in the night. Wow, Hunter is a magician as well? I can’t compete with Triple H the Mage.
- Candice Michelle prepares for her upcoming match. She's wearing something glittery with rainbows. She's outright stealing The Great Khali's WrestleMania XXV costume.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's latest shenanigans. Punk sarcastically applauds Ken's act and plans to vote for him for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. If Punk is going to vote for Mr. Kennedy, he should wait until Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia arrives in theatres. I heard that film is
- In perfect timing, Mr. Kennedy comes to you live from SWE Headquarters to update CM Punk and his fans on his current condition. Ken buffs his Intercontinental Title in noticeable agony. The doctor told Ken not to lift heavy machinery or shine bright abdominal accessories. Please take his advice, Kennedy. Kennedy stresses that if he doesn't make it, he wants Punk to bury the Intercontinental Championship next to his intercontinental body. With that heartbreaking performance, I vote Mr. Kennedy for Ultimate Winner of the Universe.
- Homicide and Hernandez walk up the ramp and mouth off to the ringside fans. To the audience's delight, a broken-down Shad and JTG meet them, wielding crutches. While Cryme Tyme pummels LAX, Homicide and Hernandez stumble out of harm’s way.
- All by himself, Chris Jericho stews in the locker room. He is available to take out his frustrations on those who wear towels everywhere they go, even though that they have not yet showered.
- Hunter remains in the ring to await King Regal's announcement. When Regal's theme blasts over the speakers, Triple H searches for a place to direct a mad, violent beating. A lone spotlight shines on a skybox near the on-camera side of the arena. Regal emerges from the skybox, waves to Hunter, then points to the top of the ramp. To conclude the show, Hunter watches Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea shove an unconscious John Cena down the ramp.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela starts off RAW with an interview with SWE Women's Champion Natalya. Korpela urges Natalya to express her thoughts on the upcoming fatal four-way match at Mobsters Eating Pasta, one of the more prestigious events featuring professional businessmen consuming anger hair on the current wrestling scene. Natalya stresses that she has nothing to worry about the match because Beth Phoenix has her back. For the entire interview, Beth takes passing glances at Natalya's championship belt. I know that look anywhere. Natalya is right. She does not have to worry. In case that belt falls off Natalya's shoulder, Beth's glance should keep it from hitting the ground. Sure, that’s what Beth is doing.
- William Regal and his Kingdom interrupt the show with their arrival to the arena skybox. In the presence of the King of SWE, the fans are rather rude. Regal ought to bathe every single one of them in the River Thames. Prince Paul hands Regal the microphone on an ornate pillow while Princess Katie dusts off his royal coat. After last week's announcement of a Number One Contender Match between Triple H and John Cena, Regal wants to know who their true hero is now: the vengeful man who does no care whether his allies live or die, or a generous ruler who puts the interests of the citizens before himself? Regal understands that few people are unable to cheer for a man with more power than they could ever imagine, but wants the audience to see that he is not a bad person. Unlike Triple H, he sympathizes with their hardships. Hunter will require a fourth Motorhead theme to rebut Regal's claim.
- With Mr. Kennedy, cast and all, in a wheelchair, an SWE official pushes the Intercontinental Champion's down the hallway. Ken is about ready to make a big announcement concerning his physical condition. I bet he announces how itchy that cast is on his upper body.
- A brittle Mr. Kennedy addresses the SWE audience, holding back the painful tears that wish to run down his face. Mr. Kennedy clutches his title in one hand and tells the audience about his injury. Several weeks ago, moments before he his title match against CM Punk, he fell down a set of five stairs and broke his entire upper body. I don't know about you, but I buy it. When I was ten, I broke my pelvis trying to lift a heavy fork. Though Mr. Kennedy is confident that he will make a full recovery, he will be unable to compete at Sunday's Pay-Per-View. To conclude his announcement, he wishes CM Punk the best of luck in his other endeavours. Speaking of the man, CM Punk stomps to the ring, pushes Ken's assistant aside, and kicks the champion out of his wheelchair. Upon impact with the mat, Ken's paper-maché cast shatters into pieces. Before Punk can attack him further, Kennedy scurries out of the ring with his title. Why, Mr. Kennedy has been faking all along. Oh well. In the world of professional wrestling, lying makes you more honest somehow.
- Cryme Tyme utilize the grey curtain to respond to LAX. Shad and JTG can't take the Latin American Xchange anymore. They are tired of Homicide and Hernandez running their mouth. Together, they raise their World Tag Team Titles in the air and beg LAX to come and get them. Cryme Tyme will fight until they don’t have any fighting limbs left. Even then, they may fight with their ears.
- Chris Jericho catches up with Mark Henry to give him pointers for his match against Rey Mysterio. Point number one: Avoid draping your body over the middle rope. Point number two: Don't get distracted by Mysterio's bright, flashy wardrobe. Point number three: Have fun out there. Point number three is the most important point. Henry must retrieve a notepad and a pen or a number two pencil.
- Backstage, Triple H comes across a battered John Cena. Hunter tries to get Cena's attention, but John refuses to face him. As Triple H is about to apologize, John Cena shuts him up and tells him to win his damn match so they battle it out at the Pay-Per-View already. Triple H leaves as a speechless man, which should make up for all those twenty-minute, directionless Triple H promos in the past.
Triple H vs. William Regal: 89%
Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 87%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 61%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 87%
- Randy Orton takes his ball and goes home to Ballville, Missouri
- Vickie Guerrero and the rest of La Familia congratulate MVP on his Pay-Per-View victory over Shawn Michaels. Due to his decisive win over HBK, Porter expresses concern for his safety. He doesn't think Shawn Michaels will react to the loss in a civil manner. The Smackdown GM assures MVP that he and his SWE United States Title should not fret. When you are a championship belt, you fret about everything. You wonder how you will pay for your belt buckle's college education. Employers don't look too fondly on single championship belts. They ask, "What don't you have a spouse? A belt buckle needs a positive female sash in its life."
- Maria interviews Batista about the odd messages he has been receiving as of late. With the Evolution t-shirt in his grasp, Batista chuckles. Outdated wrestling t-shirts are hilarious. They should take up stand-up comedy, or become rags for kitchen maintenance. Batista announces that Evolution is long over, yet thanks the mystery man for the souvenir. Randy Orton used his birthday money to buy you that shirt. Be more grateful.
- Outside the arena, Shawn Michaels arrives with his dead eyes. He reminds me of an unkempt, cross-eyed prospector. I want to call him Cornelious Hornblower. In a security shirt, Edge walks up to Shawn and refuses to grant him access to the arena. I wouldn't trust a man named Cornelius Hornblower either. When Shawn asks him whether or not MVP put him up to this stunt, Edge pretends not to listen. Just as Shawn raises his fist, MVP appears behind a wall of Smackdown security and smirks at him. A hesitant Shawn leaves the premises.
- Backstage, Umaga holds his World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth and watches his Pay-Per-View title win over the Undertaker again and again. Crazy. Samoan Bulldozers dig their TiVo. If this event comes out on Blu-ray, Umaga is going to freak.
- The Cobras head down the infamous backstage hallway and ponder what went wrong in the aftermath of their debut match. From a distance, Funaki observes the team and shakes his head in disappointment. Boys have bad attitude. Karate for defense only.
- The grey curtain promo returns. Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely convey feelings or sorrow for Finlay and Hornswoggle. They don't want to maim a father in front of his son, or vice versa, but they can't help themselves. With a sigh, Chavo and Bam vow to end the rivalry so they can all move on with their lives.
- Umaga wanders around ringside with his belt, then stands up on the announce table in triumph. When Batista locks eyes with him, the audience's Undertaker chants transform into chants for Batista. As the show goes off the air, Batista continues to stare down Umaga.
- La Familia and Montel Vontavious Porter accompany Edge to the ring. In order to drown out the jeers, Edge apologizes to Shawn Michaels for his antics last week. He did not mean to take away a HBK appearance from the Smackdown audience, nor did he want to insult the legacy of "The Showstopper." Edge urges Shawn to come down to the ring and accept his sincere apology. As La Familia stares at the entranceway, Edge leans against the corner in waiting. Out from the crowd, Shawn Michaels leaps to the apron and catches Edge with a Superkick that sends the man face first to the mat. La Familia turn around to notice Shawn hop over the barricade. Before he makes his exit, Shawn gains Porter's attention and gestures that he will be the next Superkick victim. I expect many years of success for this young upstart.
- As a follow-up to last week's show, Maria interviews Batista about his thoughts on his meeting with Umaga. Batista is not a fan of Umaga's aggressive glare. He tells Maria that Umaga may be Smackdown's monster for now, but Batista will always be "The Animal." Hold your horses and your carriages. Batista is otherwise known as "The Animal"? Don't reveal all your secrets at once, David.
- Elsewhere, Jamie Noble cherishes his newfound friendship with The Great Khali. Vladimir Kozlov reluctantly walks next to them as Noble sits on Khali's shoulders. Noble exclaims that he feels "eleventy jillion feet tall." Whenever I see a happy Jamie Noble, I feel as though I am "eleventy jillion feet tall."
- Backstage, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter spar with each other to mixed results. From afar, Funaki watches The Cobras and strokes his non-existent beard. You see, Ken Doane's lack of headband forces him to adjust his entire technique. Without that familiar weight on his head, his entire equilibrium is out of whack.
- Grey Curtain Promo Corner features London and Kendrick. Even though they are down in their series against Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang, they are not sweating it. In my opinion, London and Kendrick are done. For one, they are not the only team with London and Kendrick-related capabilities. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will separate them and give them new gimmicks. One day, you will witness A Paul London and A Brian Kendrick make their breathtaking debuts.
- Big Show strolls down the backstage hallway, massaging his Chokeslamming hand. Where is he going? Does this arena have a hand spa? Put white gloves on Big Show's hands and you are one-tenth closer to a giant version of Mickey Mouse.
- Like strangers in the night exchanging flirtatious glances, Umaga and Batista lock eyes. The Samoan Bulldozer slides out of the ring and yells at Batista in Samoan. Batista shouts back at Umaga in Batistan. I don't understand either language. Umaga pauses, then backtracks from ringside. He shall save his bulldozing for a later date.
- Next to an irate Edge, SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter whines in the ring about Shawn Michaels' use of the Superkick. "He can't be usin' that. No, no, no. He can't be usin' that." If MVP wishes to join Floyd Mayweather's posse, now is the time. Edge snatches the microphone from MVP and tells Shawn that if he uses the Superkick on him again, he'll have Vickie ban him from Friday Night Smackdown for life. The empty threat entices HBK to make his presence known. As Shawn enters the ring, Porter stands behind Edge. Shawn informs Edge if he has to go through him before he gets another chance MVP, so be it. On this night, he does not choose to fight either man. Shawn Michaels is a snake in the grass -- a born-again, Christian snake.
- Umaga, the World Heavyweight Champion, enters the building. He chooses to simultaneously walk and chew his championship belt. I heard the leather of a championship belt sort of tastes a hamburger to an individual without tastebuds.
- Edge and MVP head to Vickie Guerrero's office to request a match between Shawn Michaels and the R-Rated Superstar. Before MVP questions his role in the match, Vickie directs the cameraman away from the office and whispers sweet somethings in Porter's ear. Vickie is a weird woman. She must be the only wrestling general manager who refuses to divulge her secrets in front of millions.
- Backstage, The Cobras converse with Funaki. For the betterment of the group, Doane requests Funaki's guidance while Jeter fails to catch flies with the chopsticks. Funaki agrees to be their sensei, but first, they must install a satellite radio in his car. Doane and Jeter accept this educational task.
- Maria interviews Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. Chavo attempts to spin Finlay's shillelagh in his hand, but drops it on the ground. At the same time, Bam Neely wears Hornswoggle's hat, slightly to the side of his face. Together, they are willing to take Finlay and Hornswoggle out of their misery. What misery, Chavo? They have your poncho. Finally, they have the tools to dress like Martha Stewart.
- In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov prepares for his main event match. Jamie Noble meets Kozlov on the shoulders of The Great Khali. Noble asks Vladimir if he wants to go see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Vladimir wonders if Jamie knows that he has a match tonight. Jamie scoffs at Vladimir's match and says, "You have many chances to wrestle in the main event, but you only have one chance to see paints travel in Greece." After much thought, Vladimir tells them to see the film without him. Nuts to him. Traveling pants are no fun to watch without Vladimir Kozlov.
- A Batista paces outside of the ring, Umaga storms into the shot and a brawl ensues -- a pier-seven brawl. To the sound of Undertaker chants, Umaga wins the brawl with a Samoan Spike to Batista's throat. Batista rolls around and clutches his neck in eye-bulging pain. From my living room chair with a newspaper in front of my face, I specifically told Batista not to show so much neck. Showing that much neck only leads to trouble with the boys, but what can do you? Daughters will be daughters.
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88%
Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 85%
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 65%
Wrestling fans purchase wrestling merchandise with real money.
- ECW Champion Samoa Joe enters the ring and evaluates his successful title defense against AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy. He thinks that Jeff and AJ are extreme, but not as extreme as himself. I am not convinced. Where are his crack whores? When does he appear on The Nashville Network? Jeff Hardy interrupts Joe and challenges the champion to a second match. Next, AJ Styles interrupts Jeff Hardy to inform him that before Jeff gets his shot against Joe, he needs to settle unfinished business with the champion. To build up tension for the Pay-Per-View, Disco Inferno tells Jeff and AJ that they get along before he grant either man a title match. He forces Jeff and AJ to shake hands under the mirror ball.
- In an interview with Pope Todd Grisham, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly urge Big Daddy V and Matt Striker to bring on the fight. Sydal and Kelly appear ready to battle, what with their sexy, sepia tone embrace in a field of wheat. They are more than ready.
- In a hype video, a mystery man straggles into a crowded, Old West saloon and manhandles a group of cowboys looking for trouble. Braden Walker is to Clark Kent as Chris Harris is to Superman.
- Matt Striker and Big Daddy V welcome viewers to the latest edition of ECW on Sci Fi. Tonight, Striker assures the fans that Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly will go down in history as the first American Made Models to fall victim to Big Daddy V. Does Striker speak truths? A few months ago, I thought Big Daddy V took out Sports Illustrated Covergirl Marissa Miller in an Extreme Rules Match. I recall Marissa's Miller Time (snap DDT) was unable to take him down.
- Backstage, John Morrison argues with The Miz about his lack of support. In response, The Miz talks about Morrison's lack of support. Sadly, they are not on the same page. They are not even on the same book.
- At ringside, the ECW Champion gloats about his altruistic deed. How do Styles and Hardy show their appreciation? They launch themselves out of the ring with dual suicide dives on Samoa Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine flops and fumbles around to close the show.
- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager, encounters Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles in his disco office. Jeff and AJ emphasize their recent willingness work together. While Disco is not happy about their ambush on Samoa Joe last week , he is a disco man of his disco word. Disco grants them both a shot at the ECW Championship. At SWE Mobsters Eating Pasta, Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles will challenge Samoa Joe for the belt in a three-way elimination match. This time, triple threat rules do no apply. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will never call this match a "three-way dance." Why? Three-way dances are for considerate couples who let their lonely friend join them in the fanciful dancing festivities. Three-way dances are for the old ECW. In the new ECW, considerate couples force their lonely friend to hold their jackets while they dance. This match is extremely extreme.
- Backstage, Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly thank Colt Cabana for his help. Colt Cabana is glad to assist American heroes and heroines like Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly. Without their talent for modelling products in both colour and black and white situations, teenagers around America would not know what to buy, drink, eat, do, or wear. In my ECW, Colt Cabana is a hero, but a minor hero. He is the first Ewok killed in Return of the Jedi.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews John Morrison and The Miz on their upcoming main event matchup. Before the Pope can get to the nitty-gritty, The Miz denies the public rumours of a team breakup. The Miz does not want to move from the Palace of Wisdom. The Palace of Wisdom is affordable cloud housing at its finest. With the Palace of Wisdom, you will never want to move again.
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 88%
The epic conclusion of The Booker. The battle for the throne shall climax, two men shall fight for peace, and the drama of it all will make the company implode in on itself. Hold on, cliffhangers. You will not hang much longer.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 48th
Kofi Kingston and Mickie James versus The Amazonians and Death by Snu-Snu
You're scared (You're scared)
You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)
You crashed your spaceship in a random place
Your spongy flesh will be bruised for days
You can't crawl away
They have good basketball fundamentals
So you should not have charged them in the lane
And that's too bad (oh, too bad)
They'll crush your groin
The beautiful (beautiful) women (women) will hurt you first
Then the petite ('tite) women (women) will hurt you worst (we hear you sayin')
You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)
You no want (you take no more snu-snu)
You no want (you will get more snu-snu)
Hey pretty man I've been telling you
To not look so good
Cause these Amazons
They have not had snu-snu since they knew could
And that's too bad (oh, too bad)
They'll crush your groin
The beautiful (beautiful) women (women) will hurt you first
Then the petite ('tite) women (women) will hurt you worst (we hear you sayin')
You no want (you no want snu-snu)
You no want (you no die from snu-snu)
You no want (you take no more snu-snu)
You no want (you do get more snu-snu
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
If you book them, they will come.
AND
The cold has now spread to my special part, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.
The Entrance
Whether or not you care to admit it, entrance music can make or break the career of a professional wrestler. Time and time again, I have seen an up-and-coming grappler walk down the aisle to a generic, uptempo rock song in hopes of becoming the next great superstar, only to fade into the bottomless pit of obscurity soon after. While the road to wrestling superstardom is often difficult, a bad wrestling theme makes the road trip twice as hard. I feel for the unfortunate men and women who must amble out in their unfortunate spandex costumes to these audible monstrosities. Not only do they have to wrestle in front of ten thousand people in their chrome undergarments, but they must enter to the sound of an electric guitar regurgitating white noise over baby electric guitars. Apparently, those baby electric guitars in their electric guitar nest crave terrible music.
Aside from a few exceptions, World Wrestling Entertainment does not know how to create an effective entrance theme anymore. What happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin's pulse-pounding theme that could shatter any decorative pane of glass inconveniently placed before him? What became of Mankind's chilling piano theme before Mankind discovered the joys of wearing ties and scarfing down Chef Boyardee? Better yet, how about Randy Savage's never-rending graduation ceremony? Has he or has not received his degree in international relations from Texas A & M yet? According to today's WWE, an eye-catching entrance does not require distinct music. As long as each wrestler has a basic pyrotechnic display, a looping Titantron that features the wrestler looking angry and sad, and a theme that begins with the wrestler's name and favourite member of the Joy Luck Club (Ying Ying St. Clair, of course), they believe that performer is good to go. What a shame in the membrane.
Whenever I walk into the room, I want that room's attention; I want everyone to notice me. I want the people in that room to appreciate my walking skills. When you expect my arrival, you best believe you are about to get an amazing introduction. Without fail, I make the first impression count. From the start, I don't bother winning you over with my wit or charming you with my mere presence. Every time I need to make an entrance, I roll up in my periwinkle, 2002 Kia Sephia with a sliding door for an actual car door, tilt my old lady swimming cap to the side, barge into the joint, and play my flute like a gangster. If you can't play the flute like a gangster, you might as well not play the flute at all. I am told that Los Angeles gangs do not battle with fists or firearms. To settle the score, they engage in rounds of violent flute-playing. This is not red versus blue. This is a matter of side-blown flutes versus end-blown flutes.
Anybody who is anybody loves Santino Marella's Italian, operatic entrance theme. Say what you will about the delicious Subway sandwich stealer, but Santino's "La Vittoria è Mia (Victory Is Mine)" is an international treasure. If I had such a theme song, I would not only steal delicious Subway sandwiches. Most likely, I would put on a pair of latex gloves and steal delicious Subway sandwich ingredients as well. I would have fat free honey mustard in one hand, a mound of mayonnaise in the other hand, and a grin on my delicious-Subway-sandwich-ingredient-stealing face. Correct me if I am wrong for the first time in my existence, but Marella's theme is unlike any other song in the current wrestling scene. I do not see why WWE hesitates to return to the operatic entrance theme well for another hit. Yet again, I will have to guide them to the bright light.
Hardcore and softcore video gamers alike may recognize the late Maria Callas' "O Mio Babbino Caro" as the song from the official trailer for Grand Theft Auto III. The beautiful song itself conveys intense feelings of heartache, lost hope, and self-loathing in a chaotic time. The singer's unrequited love for another is too much for her to handle. For the sake of Peter, Paul, and Mary, she wants to throw herself into a river and not live. In my opinion, professional wrestling was made to be melodramatic. Therefore, Callas' "O Mio Babbino Caro" is perfect for the entertainment sport. I envision this song as the theme for a man or woman on the brink of insanity. Imagine a wrestler exacting poetic, bloody revenge on his or her rivals to this song. If WWE heeds my word, they'll be throwing themselves into a river, too -- a river of sexy greatness.
Now that the summer of 2008 is about to come to a close, did you enjoy the summer movie season? Did you watch Indiana Jones eat bowl after bowl of All-Bran so he could garner enough fibre to fight his archaeological foes? Were you one of the two moviegoers who met Dave? Most of all, did you find out why you were so serious? Were you so serious because you discovered that your dog was bisexual? Here, here. If you haven't heard and adored the Smashing Pumpkins' "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by now, you might as tell your parents the bad news: you are a failure at everything. You fail so badly that you fail at failing. While I am aware that your parents have high hopes for you, I don't see success and happiness in your future. To start off your life as an immortal failure, here is your lifetime bus pass, your one-room apartment above a shady Korean nail salon, and your Sylvester Terkay t-shirt.
From my experience as a professional wrestling analyst, World Wrestling Entertainment defines haunting music as a flamboyant ghost chanting in a nonsensical fashion with the backup of a broken organ. Yes, I admit that the Undertaker and Kane have had quality themes in their respective careers. With that said, every dark character in WWE should not have the same type of song. With “The Beginning is the End is the Beginning,” WWE obtains an entrance theme that is truly unsettling. In comparison, Kane's first entrance theme encourages me to electric slide in a thunderstorm. Also, Undertaker's gong-tastic ditty makes me want to brush my shoulders off in a pet cemetery. Without question, "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" forces me to put on two pairs of Depends when I usually need one.
Minutes ago, an incident occurred between myself and an unnamed female. Insider sources inform me that the female in question was five years of age and I was six years old. Due to our youth and interest in cost effective, playtime activities, we chose to ride on horses constructed out of wooden sticks. Since I preferred clothing colours that absorbed heat, I wore black. In turn, she preferred clothing colours that reflected heat. Thus, she wore white. In most cases of competition, I was victorious for I possessed superior wooden-stick-riding skills. Using onomatopoeic words to communicate the sound of loud gunshots, I uttered, "bang bang," and shot her body downwards. With a second "bang bang," her body struck the ground below her. On the third "bang bang," she declared my utterance as an awful noise to hear. With the final "bang bang," I was considered to be an infant who shot her body downwards. Did she survive? Are organic foods actually organic? The answer may surprise you. More at eleven.
Before Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill introduced us to this classy tune, Nancy Sinatra was best known as either Frank Sinatra's less talented daughter or the zany woman who claimed that her boots were made for walking. Some people loved that her boots were made for walking, while others believed that the efforts of her boots should have been utilized for more honourable causes, such as providing education for underprivileged children from third world countries. To my dismay, World Wrestling Entertainment is all about rocking and or rolling. Why can't professional wrestling have some spaghetti Western flare? Many wrestling fans claim that Kurt Angle and Ric Flair could wrestle entertaining matches with a broom. If you allow that broom to enter the ring to "Bang Bang," that broom automatically surpasses Angle and Flair in both talent and popularity.
I cannot let the wrestling industry go on without an entrance theme that resembles a funky Tetris song. In fact, I cannot comprehend how WWE has thrived this long without a theme that resembles a funky Tetris song. As a loyal fan, how can you sleep at night knowing that professional wrestling lacks a theme that resembles a funky Tetris song? In life, you can never go wrong with such a song. Without this music, I cannot move and link tetrominoes with grace or efficiency. In reality, I am a poor to mediocre tetromino mover. Sorry to break the news to you and yours. A tremendous human being like myself can only be tremendous at so many things.
The electronic music duo known as Ratatat understands that rhythmic bleeps and bloops make the world go 'round with "Seventeen Years," a song which should the official soundtrack for futuristic robots in space or masked wrestlers from Russia. All World Wrestling Entertainment needs to do is hire a masked Russian robot who prefers high flying over technical wrestling or brawling. Once the Stamford brass brings in Gavrilovich Preobavhensky: The Moonsaulting Robot from the Year 3223, they will have themselves an instant star. Clearing four lines at the same time will be Gavrilovich Preobavhensky's first order of business. A world title victory should be his next order of business, unless he must oil up his stiff joints first. If he has stiff joints, he will require WD-40. In lieu of WD-40, he will accept Space Margarine as a substitute joint lubricant.
In my opinion, instrumental songs are just as good if not better than lyrical songs. After all, entrance theme lyrics are not the most intelligent or original in sports. They may use different words or phrases, but most of them say, "I'm going to win because you are sucky. I'm a nice wrestler compared to the others. I have to win that gold belt because it holds up my pants." Sure, those qualities are important to a wrestler, especially his or her ability to hold up pants. Then again, I don't care about wrestlers’ pants or devices that wrestlers employ to keep their pants in the upwards position. Next time, maybe they should try those pants at the store before they buy them. Why do I have to learn about their poor pants purchases? I critique professional wrestling, not a wrestler's ill-advised garment acquisition.
If you think Gianfranco Reverberi's "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" sounds familiar, you are correct, sir and or madam. For one, this song concludes the 1968 Western Preparati La Bara! (Django, Prepare a Coffin). For two, "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" was the sample beat for "Crazy," Gnarls Barkley's 2006 summer hit. I'm not crazy for suggesting this tune, am I? Probably. If Nancy Sinatra's "Bang, Bang" does not want you to engage in a high-noon standoff, "Nel Cimitero Di Tuscon" should do the trick. The other day, I put this song on repeat, travelled to Arizona, and suplexed a scruffy cowboy onto a pointy cactus. I know I was supposed to use a gun, but I could not help myself. When I panic, I tend to suplex people onto objects. I apologize to the two lingerie models whom I met in the States. I didn't mean to suplex either of you onto that weathervane. I didn't know the touch of a woman at the time. I was three months old.
In Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, French race car driver Jean Girard became the king of NASCAR to this song. I know this NASCAR comedy is fictional, but I wish it was real. If this film was real, I could finally advertise my adoration for Wonder Bread without judgement. As I write this piece, I’m wearing nothing but Wonder Bread wrappers.
In WWE, French wrestlers should be able to use Maria LaForet's "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère" to help them ascend to the main event. LaForet's version of The Rolling Stones song has an aggressive, retro, psychedelic sound. When you give a young French wrestler "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," you let that wrestler make an immediate “Frenchified” impact. Before that wrestler steps into the ring, wrestling audiences everywhere will take notice. In fact, they have to take notice. From the first note, this track hits you like an unavoidable tornado punch to the throat.
Professional wrestling could do a lot more with French characters than portray them as evil foreigners who despise American culture. As for me, I am dead tired of the evil foreigner gimmick. From this point forward, I demand that all foreigners in professional wrestling must drop their evil persona and adopt a wise talking bald eagle as their sidekick. These foreigners can take their bald eagle sidekicks to horror films. During the movie, the eagle can be all like, "Don't you go in those woods, white girl. There's a monster in them trees."
Detroit, Michigan's mysterious tandem of Jack White and Meg White are better known as The White Stripes. As World Wrestling Entertainment's fascination with late 90s nu-metal and Kid Rock proceeds to flourish, bands like The White Stripes offer stripped down, alternative rock music with the type of grit that is synonymous with lasting entrance themes. Out of their entire catalogue, their cover version of Son House's "Death Letter" has a thick, lumbering blues beat that can best accentuate any big man's entrance to the ring. I'm looking at you, Funaki. I'm always looking at you. My reading glasses were made to read nobody but Funaki.
You don't have to be a fan of The White Stripes to appreciate "Death Letter" as a possible entrance theme. Even if you find Jack White's voice to be grating to the ears, consider this theme as an instrumental. As you play "Death Letter" in your modern cassette players, you will involuntary swagger to the music. Despite your efforts to stop swaggering, you will continue to swagger. If a stranger chops off your legs, "Death Letter" will force your torso to swagger along the rough pavement. If another stranger comes along and chops off your torso, why don't you stay at home for the day? What are you doing that encourages random strangers to hack your body into bits?
To my knowledge, "The House of the Rising Sun" has no original songwriter. In the 1960s, The Animals released their rendition, which is arguably the most popular version of the song. Since "The House of the Rising Sun" has no original songwriter, I am going to guess John Cena wrote it. Even World Wrestling Entertainment is aware that John Cena can do no wrong. John Cena is the answer to every question asked by man. Who was the first person to walk on the moon? John Cena in an astronaut suit. Who was the first woman to vote? John Cena in drag. Where do babies come from? When a John Cena and a John Cena are in love, they decide to make produce John Cenas as a symbol of that John Cenan love. Then, John Cena turns into a stork and delivers John Cena to a mother's doorstep. The doorstep is John Cena.
Why do I think that "The House of the Rising Sun" is a fitting entrance theme? This song sends a powerful message. This song warns its listeners about the overindulgence of vices. This song communicates the horrors of corruption. In the end, this song is for the bad guy who is too far gone to correct his bad decisions, and for the good guy who struggles to fight off the worst in himself. Professional wrestling builds its characters from their actions, inside and outside of the ring. Wrestlers turn into heroes for doing the right thing. Wrestlers become villains for doing the wrong thing. Total Nonstop Action does not believe in the concept of heroes and villains. In other words, TNA wants to be the number two wrestling promotion for forever. For me, no story in wrestling is as compelling as a babyface who succumbs to his inner heelish desires. Give me Hulk Hogan's transformation into Hollywood Hogan over Samoa Joe's feud with baseball bats any day of the year of the decade of the century.
Longtime followers of The Swerved may deem Noreaga's "Superthug" as the unofficial theme song of the site. In response, those longtime followers would be correct. Puffy gold star stickers with googly eyes to several of you. For years, I have championed "Superthug" as an undisputable star maker and infallible powerhouse. In the history of "Superthug," this track has brought an end to multigenerational family feuds and absolute dictatorships. When Aladdin is not stealing bread from local merchants, he is grinding with Jasmine in the Arabian clubs to this song. A while ago, I specifically urged former First Lady and current New York Senator Hillary Clinton to use "Superthug" for her Democratic presidential campaign. Because she did not use this song, she did not become the Democratic presidential candidate. William Jefferson Clinton is ashamed to be your acting spouse in a non-physical relationship, Hillary. When Hillary is not around, Bill plays "Superthug" on his saxophone. Count on it. This is the exact reason why the ladies still dig him.
I will not attempt to convince World Wrestling Entertainment further. Sometimes, lost causes cannot be found. If WWE cannot comprehend the brilliance that is Noreaga's "Superthug," may World Championship Wrestling resurrect itself and topple Vince's wrestling empire. For the naysayers who claim that "Superthug" cannot defeat WWE, you must remind yourselves that everyday thuggery is vastly inferior to superthuggery. Get your head in the game. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, ladies and gentlemen? Several decades from now, I will plan out my will. Noreaga's "Superthug" shall marry my future wives and take care of my future legitimate and illegitimate children.
Besides Ric Flair's "Also sprach Zarathustra," otherwise known as the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey, classical music is a wrestling rarity. On a superficial level, the grandiose sound of classical music best complements the pompous wrestling character. Picture a performer who struts out with the backing of a fifty-piece orchestra. How does that wrestler not succeed? When I feel down, I hire an orchestra to follow me wherever I go. How do I feed them? They share a gigantic marshmallow square. Sadly, they drink from a dirty sidewalk puddle. I'm made of flesh and bone, not money.
Only the crazies relate Queens of the Stone Age to classical music. When you hear The Vitamin String Quartet's version of "No One Knows," you will bask in their craziness. Their rendition shall confuse you with its excellence. At song's end, you will not know what to do with yourself. You may have the urge to become a vampire. You may wish to share your milkshake with a lonely werewolf. Finally, you may challenge Frankenstein to a heated debate about world issues in the center of the ring. What will you two bring to the table that Scott Steiner and Christopher Nowinski did not?
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 47th
Seal vs. Edge
Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P
Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P
There used to be a Deadman ruling Friday TV
Then you became R-Rated with Vickie's family
Hate remained a force that's my drive for revenge
But you should know,
I did not go
My eyes roll back in my head and
The bell that I toll can be heard
Lately,
I've been putting black roses on all of your friends
Ooh, the more I buy of them
The better discount I get from the black flower shop, yeah
And now I will put a black rose on you
There will be nothing you can do at the Pay-Per-View
Ba da-da ba-da da da da da, R-I-P
There is so much slamming to do, so much in the summer
You will be
My opponent, my rival, my enemy, I say
To me you're like a thorn in my side with better hair
Won't you tell me when I get to beat you badly?
But you should know,
I did not go
My eyes roll back in my head and
The bell that I toll can be heard
Lately,
I've been putting black roses on all of your friends
Ooh, the more I buy of them
The better discount I get from the black flower shop, yeah
And now I'll put a black rose on you
There will be nothing you can do at the Pay-Per-View
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Get entranced by the entrance.
AND
It's not like I can just rub the sexy off. You know what I mean? You're either sexy or you're you.
Adamle Originals
In my entire life as a professional wrestling watcher, I have never witnessed a moment as great as the one that made Mike Adamle the new General Manager of Monday Night RAW. On that infamous, late July evening, I stood up and applauded as the former NFL running back, the former host of American Gladiators, the former play-by-play announcer for ECW, and the former ordinary human being became extraordinarily immortal. Forget WrestleMania I to XXIV; don't bother remembering any of the Super Bowls. Most of all, take your Beijing Summer Games and get them out of Michael David Adamle's spotlight. If you refuse to appreciate the new RAW GM at this instant, I will be coming for you. For the first time in a long while, I am not kidding. I don't even need to know your home or work address to find you. My sheer dislike for your existence will somehow fashion a Global Positioning System in my mind. At that point, I will let the kind and friendly yet sultry and seductive female voice tell me where to place a long line of slippery banana pills. As you leave your dilapidated home with a piece of cardboard for a front door or your fast food workplace with a C- restaurant health rating, you will slip on these peels towards a cliff. Happy landing. I hope you enjoy getting your face eaten by sharks and seagulls.
As I praise the one known as Adamle, the new boss of RAW continues to revolutionize the wrestling general manager position. Almost nobody believes that Mike Adamle can top the zany reign of Eric Bischoff and his assistant Chief Morley, but I do. I believe in the impossible. Of course, Jonathan Coachman was legendary in his roles as Vince McMahon's executive assistant and interim RAW General Manager. Can Mike Adamle command the same type of respect? Absolutely, positively yes with yes sprinkles on top of those other soft serve yeses. While Adamle is not a king like William Regal, he sure can speak like one. In the future, Mike Adamle will inspire the nation with the power of the spoken word from the power of the written word. When you think about the history of RAW, Mike Adamle reads from pieces of paper like no other general manager before him. Until Mike Adamle came along, I never knew general managers could read. In fact, I thought wrestling general managers received their information via interpretive dance. Now that I am aware that Mike Adamle is literate and uses eyeglasses for purposes other than burning ants on the sidewalk, RAW looks to be in excellent shape.
Why am I so confident about Mike Adamle, nobody asks? Well, let me relay this answer to you, nobody in particular. Mike Adamle is the first general manager to strive for originality. With the introduction of the "Adamle Original," Monday Night RAW is a better show. Do mine retinas fool me? Am I watching a weekly sports entertainment program, or am I watching the beauty of life in motion? Since Mike Adamle appears to be a mainstay on Monday nights, I don't think I will ever manage to tell the difference. Simply put, Mike Adamle completes World Wrestling Entertainment. Adamle is their rock. Adamle is their hard place. Adamle is whatever WWE wants him to be.
In the presence of the new RAW GM, I am humbled. Despite my tireless efforts to achieve everlasting greatness, I will never be as fantastic as Mike Adamle. I will never be as smart as Mike Adamle. Finally, I will never be Mike Adamle. One day, I must accept my fate. Until that day rears its daily head, I plan to learn from Adamle. In this case, the student may not become the teacher, but perhaps the student can ace the teacher’s course.
This week, I will learn about the "Adamle Original." How does it work? Why is it successful? How can I apply the “Adamle Original" to my own existence? Join me in this wonderful journey or prepare to not join me in this wonderful journey. The choice is sort of yours to make.
Mike Adamle cannot stress this Adamle Original rule enough. Don't bother creating an Adamle Original if you do not wish to obey this first rule. If you conjure up an idea and you’re not Mike Adamle, that idea is not an Adamle Original. If you say, "Oh hey, here's an Adamle Original for you. Let's have CM Punk face John "Bradshaw” Layfield in a match in which they do not wrestle against each other, but wrestle on each other. This match will have less friction. Also, if the match continues into the winter, both competitors will be warm. They will create an emergency blanket situation that is rather beneficial." No, you can't make that match. You're not Mike Adamle. "How about this one? Let's have Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels battle in a vision test at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The wrestler who is the least near sighted wins." Sorry, friend. You're not Mike Adamle either, what with your inability to appear Adamlean.
To my knowledge, this planet contains one Mike Adamle. For the other human beings who share his name, please get a new one. You are not the RAW General Manager, nor do you deserve to have the same name as a prestigious, professional wrestling general manager. From this point forward, every Mike Adamle who is not a general manager in World Wrestling Entertainment shall be renamed Alaquisha Spaceshipman. With a name like Alaquisha Spaceshipman, you better pray that they sell durable, yarmulke-friendly hair weaves on Jupiter. Make it so, Name Giving Saint Nicholas.
Mike Adamle is a born winner. Straight from the womb, Mike Adamle has been the personification of victory. When the doctor took Adamle out from his mother, Mike slapped the doctor before the doctor could slap him. Mike Adamle is a lot like Chuck Norris, if only Chuck Norris was thrice the man that Mike Adamle is on his worst day. Because Mike Adamle is a born winner who spawns winnings things, Adamle Originals must be winners, too. With a single week under his belt as RAW GM, Mike Adamle has already topped Bill Goldberg's undefeated streak. As Mike Adamle, do not try to present any random idea as an Adamle Original. Your strategy will not work.
If you want to tell the difference between an Adamle Original and a wannabe Adamle Original, pay attention to your initial reaction. Does the proposal cause intense nausea and vomiting, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating, or uncontrollable arousal? For those of you who experience arousal for more than four hours, consult your doctor. Inform him or her that you have stumbled upon an Adamle Original. Also, if your doctor is a physically attractive female, or if she attractive from the inside when you get to know her personality, attempt to inform her from the waist down. For example, walk up to her from behind, hold her closer to you with your gentle hands, then kick her in the ovaries. After all, when in Rome, kick the Romans in their ovaries.
Mike Adamle despises the one-on-one wrestling match. He never wants to encounter a one-on-one wrestling match again. When Mike was a little boy, his parents had to check for one-on-one wrestling matches under his bed.
This past week on RAW, Mike Adamle went out of his way to create a bout that was not one-on-one. Following an intense argument between JBL and Chris Jericho to decide whether or not Y2J looked convincing in short tights (his exposed legs can be compared to two breakfast sausages trying to escape from a black hole), Mike Adamle set up a handicap match. On that night, John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Chris Jericho had to battle CM Punk. If Bradshaw or Jericho won, that man would receive a Summerslam title shot. If Punk defeated either man, neither Bradshaw or Jericho would receive the shot. If the handicap match exceeded the ten-minute time limit, the Summerslam match would be JBL versus Chris Jericho versus CM Punk in a triple threat. Finally, if Jericho guillotined JBL on the top rope, who then pinned Punk with his massive flab, the audience would be forced to not care. Do you see what Adamle Originals can do for you?
The next time that you are Mike Adamle and propose an Adamle Original matchup, make the match as needlessly complicated as possible. Assign two referees for the match rather than one referee. Add a fourth rope to the wrestling ring to confuse competitors into thinking that they have transported themselves to a boxing ring. Enclose the contest in the confines of one steel cage, one bamboo cage, and one rice paper cage. I don't know about you, but I would pay a considerable amount of dollar dollars to witness one wrestler bloody another with an Irish whip into a rice paper cage. The force of the paper should tickle the blood right out of the wrestler's opponent. The power of Adamle Originals is in you, right beside your guts.
Kelly Kelly is the first of several women who will bare witness to an Adamle Original on a piece of furniture with Mike Adamle, who will sit on a piece of furniture as well. When I reminisce about the most memorable diva-sitting moments in World Wrestling Entertainment history, Kelly Kelly sitting with Mike Adamle for no significant reason shoots up to the number one position. In terms of WWE Divas and Adamle Originals, ponder the endless possibilities. Kelly Kelly on a sofa, you say? How about Lilian Garcia on a Lay-Z-Boy? Better yet, how about Layla on a china cabinet? Oh, Layla El. You're so unpredictable. In addition, you're Superman's North African cousin. I don't know what you'll do next. Will you dance in the ring to run-of-the-mill stock music under a nonsensical, flashing light display? Every time you dance, you prove that Adamle Originals have never been seen before.
Without a WWE Diva with nothing important to do by his general managing side, Mike Adamle cannot call his ideas Adamle Originals. To the aspiring readers who wish to become Mike Adamle one day, do not forget to watch your Adamle Original next to a beautiful WWE Diva in a platonic manner. Don't put your arm around her. Don't compliment her looks either. Remember that wrestling general managers are the best looking fellows. No female in this world is not attracted to a wrestling general manager. Use your authority, don't abuse your authority. One love on a leather chair adjacent to a sofa with a WWE Diva on it.
To better understand this final rule, let's call you Mike Adamle for a second. Congratulations. At this moment, you are tremendous. In your mind, let's pretend that you are cooking up the next great Adamle Original. As Mike Adamle, you invent an entertaining sport in which athletic performers display various striking and grappling techniques in bouts of choreographed combat on an elevated, square stage before a populated venue. Away from the square stage, these performers assume exaggerated personas and participate in scripted storylines that borrow aspects from real-life conflicts. After much thought, you call this sport "professional wrestling." Now, I'm not a historian, but I believe you have an Adamle Original on your hands. Before Mike Adamle arrived on the scene, professional wrestling did not exist. Wrestlers were called "fighting people." Wrestling events were deemed "athletic fighting people expeditions." World Wrestling Entertainment was the "International I Don't Like You Fisticuffs League." While the given name does not reveal much, the two most important ingredients to the Adamle Original are Mike Adamle and Mike Adamle's originality. Put those two entities together and you will be golden like what.
As Mike Adamle, you wield tremendous power with Adamle Originals. Do not get carried away with your ideas. Having Adamle Originals at your disposal is like owning the blueprints to create fire without oxygen, or fluffy chocolate treats with only two musketeers. Whatever you do, do not construct a match in which two wrestlers team up to battle two other wrestlers. When you introduce that type of concept into the world, you are dealing with the most devilish of devils. For the sake of males everywhere, do not make women fight other women. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I have never seen a woman wrestle another. Women don't fight. They do my laundry. They wear expensive clothes and makeup to appear prettier than they are. Ladies are living, breathing rear-view-mirrors. That's it, that's all. I want to keep it that way. Get these dames out of my rag top, will you?
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