When I look in the mirror, I see a one-of-a-kind work of art. During Chris Masters' run with WWE as "The Masterpiece," I wondered whether or not the company was on crazy pills because masterpieces are not glistening muscly men who utilize padlock puns for their own amusement. In my view, masterpieces are objects or individuals that visually inspire awe and admiration. While I am not saying that I am the only masterpiece in the world, I will admit that black-masked crooks are currently attempting to pass through an intricate, red laser security system and a series of soft, velvet ropes to steal me. Of course, action movies have taught us that red laser beams are no match for agile thieves, but I'm hoping that the texture of those velvet ropes will distract them from the heist. They will never believe the softness of those velvet ropes. No one does.
Unlike myself, some of WWE's brightest superstars of yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day before yesterday, the day two weeks removed from the day before yesterday, and Christmas are not one of a kind. To mine eye, they are mere doppelgangers and impersonators to other notable celebrities of our time. Which celebrities do these fellows resemble? If I wanted to be jerk about this whole situation, I wouldn't tell you, but I'm not a jerk. I'm a one-of-a-kind work of art. Do you see how that works? Whatever the case may be, let The Swerved present to you professional wrestlers who are two of a kind.
The sport of baseball is known as America's Pastime, next to the sport of suing everyone who brushes by you and being fat. In 2008, the act of watching World Wrestling Entertainment and professional wrestling in general have emerged as America's newest pastime, besides starring in a reality show and committing unapologetic adultery. Like WWE, the Minnesota Twins -- a well-respected contender from the American League's Central Division -- boasts an impressive roster of talented athletes who can hit baseballs, catch baseballs, and mostly important play with their own baseballs to the cheers of stadium crowds. In particular, powerhouse first basemen Justin Morneau wows Major League Baseball fans with double-decker home runs aplenty. Moreover, Justin Morneau wows The Swerved with his ability to look like former five-bazillion-time WWE Champion John Cena.
Watching a Twins game can be a challenging endeavour for Justin Morneau appears to be John Cena's twin. Conversely, the act of watching RAW is difficult because John Cena appears to be Justin Morneau's twin. While Justin Morneau hails from western Canada, any wrestling fan knows that John Cena comes from West Newbury, Massachusetts. Judging from Cena's video for the song "Right Now," the citizens of West Newbury are allowed to wrestle their buddies in a shirtless state on green grass, which is a no-go in Canada. If Morneau were to wrestle another guy on Canadian grass without a shirt, he would be given a shirt, forced to put on that shirt, forced to level the green grass on which he chose to wrestle, then thrown out of the country for messing up the grass. In other words, Morneau and Cena come from different parts of the continent, but why haven't I seen them in the same room? Have you ever seen both men in one place at one time? If you say you have, you are a liar. Also, you are a magical fairy in a tutu for no good reason. Thanks for nothing, deceptive twinkletoes.
San Diego Padre Greg Maddux -- a former Chicago Cub, Atlanta Brave, and Los Angeles Dodger -- is a legendary hurler with a guaranteed spot in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. As of this writing, Maddux has won 350 games and holds a career 3.12 earned run average. Some have deemed him one of the greatest pitchers of the 90s. Many have claimed him to be one of the best of our generation. If you are a baseball fan, Greg Maddux is a household name. In fact, he is such a household name that he is sitting on your living room couch right now. You better get the man some Gummi bears before he starts something. To me, Greg Maddux is a fantastic player, or is that Finlay? Me so confused.
If you put photos of Greg Maddux and Fit Finlay side by side, you get dizzy. Whenever I think of getting tripped out on the acidic substances, I look at pictures of Maddux and Finlay instead. Which one is the pitcher? Which one is the professional wrestler? Time and time again, I will take a glance at Smackdown and find an Irish-looking Greg Maddux taking out his opponents with a shillelagh. On this side of the border, I do not receive ESPN, but I am going to assume that the actual Greg Maddux refrains from striking out batters with a 90-mile-per-hour shillelagh. Furthermore, I guess the real Greg Maddux doesn't have a leprechaun who is skilled in the art of super soaking for a son. Actually, if you told me that he does, I would be even more impressed because super soaking does not seem to run in his family. In the end, his name is Finlay or Maddux and he likes to fight or pitch.
For the benefit of the young ones on the web who listen to nothing but a wooden spot banging against a pot, Ben Folds is a critically acclaimed singer-songwriter and the former frontman of the trio known as Ben Folds Five. Until my thirteenth birthday, Ben Folds Five was the band that provided the soundtrack to my life story. Back then, I called my life story "Triple H: The King of Kings; There Can Only Be One," which was a strange title at the time, but I picked it anyway because it represented the person I used to be in an accurate and honest manner. After thirteen, I switched over to better bands like Ace of Base to learn how to see signs. Nevertheless, Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five were my dawgs and might still be my dawgs. By visual association, Bob "Hardcore" Holly is my dawg for looking like Ben Folds. Put Holly in front of the piano, dye what little hair he has left back to his original hair colour, make him somewhat civil and you will have a dead or alive ringer for the folded one.
However, I doubt Hardcore Holly would pen melodic songs about abortion. Then again, I don't know Hardcore Holly as a person. For all I know, he could be named "Hardcore" for his hardcore devotion to book restoration. Forget his radical transformation from a nobody in the J.O.B. Squad to a somebody in the late 90s via WWF's Hardcore Division. Let Holly restore those books. On RAW, a week does not pass without Hardcore Holly looking angry. Do you know why Hardcore Holly is so angry? He found out your shelf is full of mangled books. You have a tattered paperback copy of He's Just Not That Into You and you don't want to restore that classic? For shame.
Before I compare little Tedward to young Randall, I want to send a message to the fine people of World Wrestling Entertainment. Listen up, McMahons and the employees stuck up your various holes: I'm not going to think less of Ted DiBiase Jr. if you let him keep the junior title. Just because you take the junior away from his name does not mean that he has become automatically better. Rey Mysterio is no greater than Rey Mysterio Jr. Chavo Guerrero is not a significant improvement over Chavo Guerrero Jr. In fact, Chavo Guerrero is worse than Chavo Guerrero Jr. How did that happen? For the sake of juniors everywhere, let me assure you that the junior title does not equal inferiority. Isn't that right, WWE Junior? Great. Cool beans.
Without witnessing the man wrestle a single match on WWE television, I think Ted DiBiase II shows promise. For one, his mouth is not full of marbles. For two, he looks like he cares whenever he talks on the ramp. On the flipside, Ted DiBiase II does not resemble his wealthy father as much as he appears to be Randy Orton's son. Perhaps Ted and Randy have similar haircuts. Perhaps they have identical bone structure. All I know is that Ted is Randy and Randy is Ted. I am well aware that Randy Orton is not old enough to father Ted DiBiase II, though with modern technology these days, I would not be surprised if he was “The Baby Daddy.” If you told me that I had an eighty-year-old daughter, the news would not shock me either. You see, I have powerful swimmers that can impregnate ladies from past and present generations, women from overseas continents, and female aliens from outer space. When you are a celebrated professional wrestling analyst like myself, the world is your sex oyster.
San Diego, Californian nu metal band P.O.D. (Potatoes on Dialysis) features singer and rapper Sonny Sandoval on lead vocals. With Sonny, P.O.D. has succeeded in the music business as a mutli-platinum act loved by millions of fans around the planet. Together, the band have lent their talents to hit tunes such as "Youth of a Nation," "Boom," and Rey Mysterio's "Booyaka 619," the theme which they performed on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers at WrestleMania 22. One day, The Swerved hopes to author popular articles from fake Chicago skyscrapers. When Americans talk about the American Dream, I believe that they are talking about doing stuff on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers. What else would they desire?
In the past, I mentioned that P.O.D. singer Sonny Sandoval is the love child of Matt Hardy and Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Since that time, I have determined through costly scientific testing that Matt Hardy and Bret Hart cannot procreate because they are both guys. With that theory debunked, I now declare that Sonny Sandoval of P.O.D. (Pennsylvanian Ornery Dieticians) is Bret Hart's look-alike. Whether he is Bret's twin or clone is unknown. Although, I can tell you that both Sonny Sandoval and Bret Hart prefer dark clothing. Think about that fact. Think about that fact forever. Plus, the instance that I catch Sonny put someone in the Sharpshooter or Bret Hart rap-rocking it up, I'll make sure to call you first.
As a stern lecturer on all matters upright and appropriate, Frank Oz' Sam the Eagle is a moral muppet. Unlike that beloved green nincompoop Kermit the Frog, Sam the Eagle stands for decency, demands excellence, and bleeds patriotism. He is a bald eagle because he feels that hair corrupts the sanctity of the scalp. He sports a unibrow because he believes that a parted brow suggests a parted nation. Out of the entire muppet clan, Sam the Eagle is an American hero. When I grow up to be a muppet, I plan to model myself after Sam the Eagle. The process of turning my body into an eagle of foam and fleece will take decades to complete, but I am willing to go through the procedure if I am able to right the ways of the Swedish Chef. Bork, bork, bork yourself in private, you pervert. To be honest, don't bork yourself at all.
Like Sam the Eagle, Russian big man wrestler Vladimir Kozlov seeks to bring honour and respect to World Wrestling Entertainment programming. If you followed Vladimir's first introduction to television audiences, you know that Vladimir loved WWE. If you want to know why Vladimir does not love WWE anymore, look no further than Friday Night Smackdown. Every week, performers commit immoral acts without suffering negative consequences. In Kozlov's mind, Friday Night Smackdown is a night for anarchy. Yes, Edge and La Familia are up to no good, but that dastardly Funaki is always up to shenanigans as well. Without the aid of entrance music and with the aid of a spotlight and shimmering white tights, Vladimir Kozlov longs to continue Sam the Eagle's quest to better our world. Get that dastardly Funaki, man. Get him.
Additionally, Kozlov wants to look like a muppet. Mission accomplished ten times over, don't you think?
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