Oh, readers of this site. Do I have news for you. Well, do I have news for you? To answer my own question, yes I do have news. If I didn't have news, what kind of person would I be? A non-news-telling guy? As some of you know, I am many things, but a non-news-telling guy is not one of them. Whatever you believe I am, the news I have for you is a doozy and a third. You might not like this news. On second thought, you might dislike this news very much. Without going into significant detail, I am about to tell you this news before this news becomes old news and therefore not news at all.
Extra, extra. Hear all about it. I think I'm falling out of love with you.
Don't go crazy now. Don't say things you might regret. Please refrain from calling me Y2Cheap for you know that is the absolute worst name to call another human being. While I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you and will always love you. With those kind words, you fail to satisfy my needs as a professional wrestling analyst of hilarious proportions. You watch RAW every week, despite the fact that you are witnessing the same old matches and feuds again and again. You claim that Jeff Hardy versus Umaga is an entertaining rivalry when it is obviously played out. This past Friday, you watched Smackdown and cheered Jimmy Kimmel Live's Cousin Sal in his bout against Santino Marella. Do you have any idea who Cousin Sal is? No, you don't. If you knew anything about Jimmy Kimmel's mediocre talk show, you'd know that Cousin Sal is annoying and Guillermo the parking lot attendant is the only one who brings the funny. Most of all, you have horrible taste in wrestling-related music. For the thousandth time, I don't want to listen to tunes featuring tone-deaf guys who scream like the Cookie Monster. From this point forward, I can't act as though you are an intelligent wrestling fan. I just can't. This charade needs to stop.
Now, I wasn't going to reveal this bit to you, though I feel that the cat is already out of the cat bag. You see, I've met somebody else. She's a classy bartender who dances to creative hip hop remixes of today's catchiest dance music. Unlike you and your black t-shirt-wearing self, she knows what sounds good. In the history of my life, I have attracted all kinds of ladies. The other day, the Statue of Liberty boarded a plane somehow, found out where I live, knocked on my door, and tried to liberate my statue. I could write a book about all my former lady friends, but this one is special. I would write an entire encyclopedia for her, then put it online somewhere because nobody reads encyclopedias in this internet-savvy world.
Between you and I, maybe we'll get back together somebody. Once you realize the error of your stupid, stupid ways, maybe I can forgive you for liking Rev Theory, Jerry Lawler's favourite band until the next sound-alike comes along to provide the soundtrack for a future WWE Pay-Per-View. Until that time comes, let me be happy. Let me live my life. Let me get down on one knee, take out a small black box, and ask my new squeeze to take a listen to WWE: The Music, Vol. 8. Before I pop the big question, I must determine whether or not the latest installment of the World Wrestling Entertainment entrance theme compilation series is worthy of her aural attention.
This week on The Swerved, it's listening time, folks.
The eighth installment of WWE: The Music was released in late March of this year. Since I am a fantastic internet celebrity, this album was handed to me on some sort of platter that is silver in composition and colour. Thank you for giving me WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 on a fancy dish that is usually reserved for red telephones, fellow internet person. For your selfless deed, I give you positive karma in return. Go easy on that karma, guy. You could put your eye out with that thing.
Ratings for each song are based on listenability, originality, and relevance to the wrestler's gimmick.
EndeverafteR - "No More Words"
When I see a band name like EndeverafteR, a name which uses capital letters where capital letters should not be used, I prepare myself for the worst. Upon first glance, band names such as EndeverafteR may appear interesting on paper, but then you realize that capitalizing the last letter of a band name makes it look as though somebody forgot to take his or her finger off the caps lock key, or someone believes that capitalizing the last letter of the name makes the band seem automatically edgy. While I do not like the band name, the song is not bad. EndeverafteR's "No More Words" is not as recognizable as Jeff Hardy's previous theme, but I can live with it. I find the song inoffensive in the same way that I find Jack Korpela's WWE updates inoffensive. Jack Korpela's job is to be a tool. The job of Jeff Hardy's contribution to the album is to start off WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 with a bang. Both Jack Korpela and EndeverafteR's "No More Words" do their jobs well.
In this hard-rocking tune, EndeverafteR begins with the line, "I got a chopstick. I keep it in my pocket." No, you did not incorrectly read that line. EndeverafteR's "No More Words" starts with the line, "I got a chopstick. I keep it in my pocket." For one, I love chopsticks. For two, I love chopsticks kept in pockets in a secure fashion. How can you not love a chopstick kept in a pocket? If you don't love a chopstick kept in a pocket, you are a fool from Foolington Gardens. If you wish to get to the meat of the song, listen to the chorus and you might enjoy it. In all, I don't think Jeff Hardy's song is a great entrance theme, but I don't hate it. The number of things and people I hate in this world are numerous. To declare for the second time, I don't hate "No More Words." GooD JoB EndeverafteR.
Sounds Like:
- An optimistic anime theme about fighting, succeeding, and doing the right thing to get to the top
- The soundtrack to extreme snowboarding footage
- A superior version to whatever Jeff Hardy's band Peroxwhy?gen calls music
Collie Buddz - "SOS"
Mike Adamle's favourite wrestler who makes him crazy based on nationality alone debuts on WWE: the Music, Vol. 8 to add some reggae flavour to the mix. In the past, I mentioned how much I enjoy "SOS" for it delivers the characteristics I look for most in a wrestling theme. For those of you who have been following this site since the beginning, you will not be surprised when I claim that I like my themes distinct, unique, and catchy. While Collie Buddz' "SOS" is no New World Order, the tune is one I can listen to away from the WWE screen, which is a statement I cannot apply to many entrance themes.
In comparison, do you want to put Cody Rhodes' theme on your iPod? How about Paul Burchill’s song? How about the themes of two-thirds of the talent pool? Because "SOS" is unlike any other theme in WWE, Kofi stands out. Part of the reason why I paid attention to Kofi in the first place was for this song. In my view, the song succeeds because it doesn't make my ears bleed and helps me buy into his character. To get in my good graces, Collie Buddz' "SOS" is aware that you should not attempt to stab sharp needs directly into my ear canals on our first meeting. I for one appreciate the song's courtesy.
Sounds Like:
- A Jamaican robot with a cold
- Shaggy after eating a very sour lemon
- Drumsticks on a washer-dryer in place of a steel drum
"Glamazon"
Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon has a magical theme, straight out of some sort of story about wizards and warlocks. After listening to Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," I think that Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon has fitting music for her gimmick. With the first note, you know that Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon will be appearing because no other diva or superstar has this kind of entrance. Whenever I hear Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," I envision myself wandering through a fantastical forest, searching for treasure, truth, and friendship. In other words, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," is a theme which takes me to the mysterious land of Kentucky. He who dares to enter the land of Kentucky may never make it out alive, what with the fire-breathing dragons and all. To tell you the truth, I've never been to Kentucky, but I am assuming that it is fairly mythological, much like the fantasy world of Oregon.
Aside from Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon is the diva with the most recognizable entrance theme. If you think Triple H is coming out to Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," you are unfortunately wrong. Man, what I would give to see Triple H skip down to the ring to this song. I would probably give a lot.
Sounds Like:
- Mythical techno
- Rock pan flute
- The theme to an 80s cartoon show about ninjas stuck in Medieval Times
Heet Mob - "The Wall"
As far as rap and hip hop music goes, I prefer my tunage to be high energy, club bangers. Songs from this genre must rock the party. Furthermore, these songs must rock the body. If the roof is not on fire by the end of the song, the music fails, leaving the party with an uncooked ceiling. For just over three minutes, Heet Mob speaks of the strength of "The Wall," a supposed metaphor for Mark Henry’s awesome power. Are you sure, Heet Mob? Are you talking about Mark Henry, or do you just really like walls? For instance, I enjoy carpeting. When I write a song about it, I will be upfront about my carpet love. Why do you have to hide your love for walls behind a theme for Mark Henry? Don’t be ashamed.
With this bass-heavy, lumbering theme, Heet Mob sell a tune that I have no interest in buying. Sure, the chorus is somewhat memorable, though the chorus does not make up the entire song. Although they attempt to rap in an aggressive manner, I don't feel it one bit.
Quite possibly, I may be the only one who misses Three 6 Mafia's take on the Mark Henry theme with their song entitled, "Some Bodies Gonna Get It.” Am I the only sane individual on this planet? Somebody's gon' get their wig split. The promising of wig splitting is much more exciting than two dudes praising a wall. For your information, gentleman, you can't simply praise one wall. You have to praise four walls. Man, what kind of wall praisers are you? Without the other three walls, the foundation will be weak and your building will crumble. Don't you know that?
Sounds Like:
- A bonus track from the 1996 film Space Jam, starring NBA legend Michael Jordan
- A poor man's Wu Tang Clan
- Two teenage boys from Orange County, California, rapping in an industrial warehouse when they should be painting my fence instead
Disciple - "In The Middle Of It Now"
Ow, ow, ow. This song is something else. I'm not sure how Disciple's "In The Middle Of It Now" did it, but they managed to destroy my ear drums, then repair those same ear drums in a way that allows me to hear nothing but terrible music. Unless I am mistaken, this rap-rock hybrid music was first popularized by Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst, my best friend and yours. As of late, I thought my ears had the privilege of not hearing any music from this genre ever again. Sadly, Disciple shows up to ruin my good time. If you're hankering for four minutes of yelling about topics like not taking nothing from nobody and poor bathroom decor, this is the song that will tide you over for the day.
Now that I think of them, I've watched Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder on Smackdown for several months, yet I continue to know nothing about them. When they joined up with Edge, I was under the impression that they would be given unique gimmicks to play around with in order to sculpt two distinctive personalities. Since they proceed to be nobodies on Friday nights, I will assume that they have no personalities whatsoever. During their first promo with Edge, either Curt Hawkins or Zack Ryder claimed that they loved long walks on the beach. Yes, long walks on the beach is a tired joke, but I'm guessing beach sand is more intriguing than both wrestlers combined. Go away Hawkins and Ryder. Can't I watch some beach sand for once?
Sounds Like:
- Rage Against The Machine throwing up
- A rebellious seven-year-old skateboarder who means serious business
- Background music in a paintball arena
"Sliced Bread"
Before I cup my ears to this little ditty, let me remind you of a time when former WWE superstar Daivari joined Jillian Hall in the rousing duet of "Summer Lovin'." Although the audience reacted to the one-time performance with loud booing, I saw dollar signs. Two incredible talents like Daivari and Jillian could have made it big in the company and in Hollywood. They could have starred in a Bollywood-type romance in which Jillian played a small-town girl who travelled to the Middle East in search of adventure, only to fall into the arms of strapping young Daivari. As the film moved along, Daivari's parents would disapprove of Jillian, though that would not stop the two from running away together, hiding behind trees in a flirtatious manner for the rest of their lives. Another brilliant idea wasted. Have fun with your lack of viewers, Stamfordians.
In this radio-friendly dance song, Jillian specifies that she is the best thing since an entire loaf of sliced bread. Therefore, Jillian's "Sliced Bread" gains double the points in some non-existent game I made up seconds ago. In this day and age, references to actual amounts of sliced bread are a rare find. For example, you never hear Beyoncé boast about her quarter loaves. If modern artists could find the creativity within themselves to include the quantity of sliced bread to which they are equal to or greater than in their music, the world would be a better place. In conclusion, Jillian's "Sliced Bread" proves that the success of her "Jinglin' with Jillian" Christmas album was not a fluke. Yes, Jillian may not be the WWE Women's Champion as of this writing, but to me, Jillian is the ultimate pop princess.
Sounds Like:
- A prepubescent Britney Spears
- Jessica Simpson with a set of nose plugs
- A melodious Lilian Garcia (Oh, snap, crackle and or pop, Lilian Garcia. That's right. I said it. Rice Krispies all up in your bowl, miss.)
Theory of a Deadman - "No Chance In Hell"
If you enjoy the gargles of Nickelback, you will discover that Theory of a Deadman is your bag of tea. Dig in to that bag of tea, fellows. With WWE, you can tell what renditions the company admires. Once you see the theme used on a permanent basis on television, you have yourself the sports entertainment stamp of approval. Until I see Theory of a Deadman's "No Chance In Hell" replace Vince McMahon's current version, my theory is that this deadman should stay dead.
Personal bias aside, Theory of a Deadman's version is not so much a re-imagining of the Mr. McMahon theme as it is an almost note-for-note cover with some macho vocal posing sprinkled on top. For the fake tough guys in the land of the web that is worldwide, get your Affliction shirts ready because when this theme blasts in your 4X4, you better be rocking out or drinking a beer or holding a boulder above your head with a stained expression on your face. If you don't, you are probably some sort of regular person. Who wants to be a regular person? Do you? What a nerd.
Sounds Like:
- Nickelback having intimate relations with Nickelback
- Metallica's James Hetfield with a mouthful of gravel
- A manlier Cher
Saliva with Brent Smith from Shinedown - "Don't Question My Heart"
In a nutshell, this is a Saliva song. If you've heard Saliva, you are aware of the Salivan sound. Does the theme fit Extreme Championship Wrestling on the Sci-Fi Channel? Absolutely. With brand's current state, any song would be perfect for ECW. Because Heat has gone the way of the Tiger Ali Singh, ECW has taken its place as the show that five people and their pet hamster watch. You could get Barry Manilow to sing the ECW theme and it wouldn't matter. Go ahead. Give Barry Manilow a shot. Well, you came and gave me Mike Knox matches. But I don't want to watch you, ECW.
Judging from the song title, Saliva seems pretty insecure about people questioning their heart. If you ask me, I'm not sure how Brent Smith from Shinedown feels about public doubt concerning the most important organ in Saliva's body. From the start, the fact that Saliva tries to deter the listening audience from questioning their heart brings up a red flag for me. Until I read the title, I was not going to pose any questions to Saliva’s heart. Now that I have witnessed Saliva‘s anxious behaviour before me, do I have reason to question their heart? What's your heart trying to say, Saliva? Does your heart speak of radical views concerning national health care, the government, and the children of our future? I'm not so crazy about Saliva's heart already. Look what you've done, Saliva and Saliva's heart. Maybe Brent Smith from Shinedown wants others to question your heart, yet you've gone and shut down the Q & A session without consulting him first. Don't tell me what and what not to question. I'm a person. I have rights. I'll question any organ I please. What the hell is wrong with you, gallbladder? Why are you so smug? You've got some gall, gallbladder. I'll give you that much.
Sounds Like:
- An on-par Puddle of Mudd
- A sub-par Monster Magnet
- Saliva without Brent Smith from Shinedown
"Biscuits & Gravy"
Jesse and Festus’ “Biscuits & Gravy” brings hope to this world. I have no other words.
To quench my thirst for knowledge, I have a query: how does biscuits and gravy make you a man exactly? Yesterday, I ate biscuits and gravy to become a man, except I ended up becoming an elderly Korean woman. The next time I see Jesse and Festus, they will have to inform me on useful biscuit and gravy methods so I can finally become a man. If I turn into a lizard for some reason, I will stop eating all types of biscuits and gravy.
Wait, does the theme state that I have to eat biscuits and gravy at the same time or biscuits before gravy? What about gravy before biscuits? Why are World Wrestling Entertainment themes so confusing? The themes of TNA are much simpler. They're all rip-offs. Easy as an Easy Bake Oven.
Sounds Like:
- Biscuits
- Gravy
- Greatness
"What Love Is"
Poor Candice Michelle. On the World Wrestling Entertainment shelf with a broken clavicle, Candice’s professional wrestling career is in limbo. Of course, Candice can always fall back on her role as the GoDaddy.com spokesmodel who doesn't speak, but I still believe that she can make one last effective run in the women's division before she bows out. Despite what WWE thinks, Candice Michelle will never be Trish Stratus. Even so, Candice is clearly a hard-worker who is willing to do whatever it takes to improve in the ring and gain the respect of her peers and wrestling fans everywhere. If she does come back, "What Love Is" might be the perfect theme... for a coked up ballerina who can't find the bathroom at a 2 AM rave.
According to WWE, Candice Michelle's theme an energetic tune that supposedly pumps up arena audiences around the globe. If you kept World Wrestling Entertainment in a basement for thirty years, then set it free in the real world, "What Love Is" would be their definition of dance music. Some music man must have said, "People repeat things in dance music. People repeat things a whole bunch. Let's loop 'Raise your hands up' until the crowd cuts off their own hands so they don't have to raise them." On second thought, that man must have been Vince McMahon. Kudos, boss. Now I can't listen to Daft Punk anymore.
Sounds Like:
- The soundtrack to a elementary school, talent show performance by four enthusiastic yet inept 5th grade girls
- A stammering drag queen
- A laser light show riot at your local planetarium
"Ain't No Make Believe"
Morrison's "Ain't No Make Believe" has a psychedelic 60's vibe that conjures up thoughts of peace, love, and hedonistic living. If John Morrison was modeled after Jimi Hendrix, this theme would be perfect for him. Alas, John Morrison is modeled after The Doors' frontman Jim Morrison, so I don't understand the connection, other than the artists' affiliation with the same era. When I first heard the theme on ECW, I thought it was an appropriate one for the former ECW Champion, until I changed my mind. Since Morrison likes to spout nonsensical phrases, WWE could do a lot with John Morrison's music. They could add in John's pretentious poetry about suplexes and emus. Also, The Miz could show up and stress the importance of wearing stylish hats to the ring over not wearing stylish hats to the ring.
Let Morrison and The Miz perform spoken word dialogues for ten to twenty minutes and you will have yourself an absurd yet charming musical accompaniment to a hair-blowing entrance.
Sounds Like:
- "Safe Style" Jimi Hendrix
- An acid trip during a spin-the-bottle party featured on an after-school television special
- What foreigners without American television believe current popular music to be
Axel - "Ain't No Stoppin' Me"
Ain't no stoppin' me from reviewin’ this song now. Extreme Championship Wrestling's Shelton Benjamin is floundering in a tiny sea of flounders. Week to week, ECW never fails to amaze me. If you are a WWE superstar and you desire to find yourself in purgatory, look no further than ECW. What a shame.
From the background beat alone, Axel's "Ain't No Stoppin' Me" sounds superior to the original. The beat is not innovative but recalls back to the underground hip hop beats you heard during the Lugz' Boot of the Night. Don't forget about the Lugz' Boot of the Night. During that span, the boots and nights were plenty. As of now, we have limited boots and nights to go around. Time flies by, no doubt.
Minor lyric changes to the verses and chorus improve the song as well. In several instances, Axel claims that he is "never gonna stop" and that he is "gonna give it to you." Good on him for his steadfast determination. I like the cut of his jib. Have a cookie, Axel. Ain't no stoppin' me from givin’ you what you deserve now.
Sounds Like:
- A bootleg T.I. album you found at Value Village
- Cam'ron in an intense gum-chewing session
- Lyte. Funky. Ones. Gone. Gangsta.
Airbourne - "Turn Up The Trouble"
If Mr. Kennedy's theme was up to me, he would have a pompous, orchestral theme, similar to Ric Flair or "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. Before every match, he would walk down to the ring in a tuxedo, then utilize his dangling microphone as a foreign object on unsuspecting opponents.
Back to reality, the original "Turn Up The Trouble" was neither pompous nor orchestral, but it got the job done in terms of relaying Mr. Kennedy's gimmick (saying things twice). In today's WWE, Mr. Kennedy is a face, recently dethroning William Regal, the former king of the company and the current king of pharmaceuticals. Airbourne's rendition of "Turn Up The Trouble" jazzes things up a notch with a fast-paced take on the familiar tune. Even though I would never listen to this song away from professional wrestling programming, Airbourne's version wakes me up from the slumber that the original gave me on Monday nights.
As Kennedy ascends to the top of the WWE ranks, let me know when he needs a new theme. In my closet, I have a forty-piece orchestra, still in its original package. You know my phone number: five-something-something, four-something-something-something.
Sounds Like:
- An okay AC/DC cover band
- A horrible AC/DC
- A wannabe Stone Cold Steve Austin
Jim Johnston - "Break The Walls Down" (James Grundler Remix)
Can you hear me, Jebus? It's me, the number one professional wrestling analyst on the internet. Yes, you can have my autograph later. Anyway Lord, did you receive my message? Last week, I specifically mentioned that I wanted WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 to give me songs that I would like. Besides the three Wal-Mart exclusive bonus tracks, the James Grundler Remix for Chris Jericho's "Break The Walls Down" is the track which concludes the album. Lord, does WWE truly think that this rendition of "Break The Walls Down" is a worthy final song? The added guitars and violent vocals add little to the theme. As I hear the track, I guess James Grundler was bored in the studio and decided to add heaps of extra crap onto a song made out of solid gold.
Together, Jim Johnston and James Grundler turned "Break The Walls Down" into a monster. This version makes me angry, tainting my admiration for Jericho, one of my favourite wrestling personalities ever. Congratulations, boys. Does anyone have a mop or a rag? I need to clean off all this crap from this once excellent theme.
Sounds Like:
- Death to your ears
- A screwdriver to your crotch (for men and women)
- I need to build some of those walls up again (Necessary Reconstruction Remix)
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