Every year since 2004, World Wrestling Entertainment has given its fans the treat of watching a slew of beautiful ladies fight it out for a chance to be oogled at by those same fans for one guaranteed and profitable year. Past winners include Christy Hemme, who received two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollars for feeding her posterior baked goods, but was later let go due to the massive cost required to put her posterior through college. In 2005, Ashley Massaro took the Diva Search Crown and proceeded to injure herself on it several times over. And yes, I do not blame her for crowns are too bejeweled. In the year that was 2006, Layla El took the title and proceeded to hang out with The Miz on Smackdown television, subsequently losing her winnings into thin air due to her association with the man. The Diva Search is a competition that tests wits, agility, and the patience of many. This 2007, RAW will host yet another installment. Will this year's competition be as exciting and enthralling as previous?
We may never see again the likes of Carmella and Christy calling each other derogatory terms such as "not a nice person (at times)" and "summertime procrastinator." Mine eyes will not be met once more with the joyous sight of watching Sgt. Slaughter guide models through a model obstacle course of skip-roping, potato-sacking, and almost-naked-but-not-quite danger in a land of tires. Kristal Marshall wowed the crowd once by pouring blue paint all over her person and painting a picture with her breasts. These are the glory moments, my professional wrestling appreciating chum. Twenty years from now, we will look back with fondness at WWE Diva Searches and wonder what happened to the magic. We will be in our rocking chairs, sipping lemonade under the setting sun. You will ask, "Hey, remember when that girl Summer tried to do a kick in the air and fell on her ass?"
"Yes. Good times. Great memories," I will say while sharing a Werther's Original with my ungrateful, naive, and stupid grandchildren. "You have take it out of the wrapper first, Thurston. Why the hell did they name you Thurston anyway? That's terrible. No, I'm not in the mood to show you how to eat an Oreo. You'll screw up my Oreos. Go play virtual video games or something."
Dear wrestling viewer, do not be annoyed by the WWE Diva Search for there is nothing to be annoyed about. Truly, the 2007 WWE Diva Search could be our saviour in this depressing world. It may even start the next wrestling boom period. Eight women may spark the revolution with their tanned, grating voice glory. Let us meet the force behind the power.
Taryn Terrell
22
Mandelville, LA
From her description, it seems as though Taryn has a lot of energy. In my opinion, energy is a great tool in The Game of Life. Energy can take a person to the highest of highs and the peakiest of peaks.
One time, I finished a delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant with a fancy name. When the check came to my table, I reached into my wallet for my Visa card, only to finger through the empty slits. I sifted through the folds and flaps of my coin purse for loose change and or bills, but was unsuccessful in my attempt to attain legal tender. When the waiter came over to take my money, I gave him energy instead. He looked at his earnings and said, "Thank you forever. This is the greatest tip of all." Taryn will go far in this competition because she has loads of energy. In fact, she has so much energy that she must store most of her energy in her bra. Here, here, sister girl. You have the gift that women desire and several others envy. You have the gold that male prospectors dig all their lives to extract from the rocks. Use it. Don't abuse it. God speed, Miss Terrell.
Naomi Kirk
21
Los Angeles, CA
I am a distinguished writer. I have won countless awards for my general writing superiority and ability to stick my nose up at others. With that said, Naomi is an adorable basket of shimmering rainbows. Some may say that they just want to take her home and eat her up, but I am not a fan of cannibalism; not even a casual one.
Naomi Kirk has the Maria Kanellis Factor working for her. World Wrestling Entertainment already has a Maria on their roster, but they could use a Naomi. Together, Maria and Naomi could form a new stable called The Babysitter's Club in which they and other WWE Divas gather around in a circle and talk about girly things like monster trucks and double pinfalls. The brunette to blonde ratio seems very low in the company. They will need someone like Naomi who can balance the ratio to a respectable level like 1 brunette for every 2,000,000 blondes. I for one will cheer for Naomi because her hair colour is elusive in the world of World Wrestling Entertainment. And, no, hair colour is not the most ridiculous thing I've celebrated about a person before. Fpr instance, Mickie James has a smoking hot left eyebrow. Oh, to be that girl's right eyebrow.
Brooke Gilbertsen
21
San Diego, CA
Even though she will most definitely be only called Brooke, I believe Gilbertsen is a charismatic wrestling name. From a professional wrestling standpoint, other money-making names include but are not limited to Schneebly, Butts, and Poppelgunderman.
As many viewers will see in the coming weeks, Brooke is a sassy blonde. Sassy blondes are one of a kind in sunny California. Now, if Brook loves the spotlight so much, I have ten spotlights in my bomb shelter that I am not using at the moment. Would she care for a light of spot or two? Lovely Brooke is adept at posing with a half-playful, half-sultry smirk. Additionally, she can playfully and sultryryly smirk with one arm rested above her gorgeous Goldilocks locks. World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite foolish not to snatch her up, whether or not she is voted as the winner of the 2007 Raw Diva Search. If you look at her interests, she is fit for the job more than any other female in the contest. She fitness instructs children, for Vince's Illegitimate Son's sake. From my experiences with kids, all they do is pick their scabs and down Elmer's glue straight from the bottle. Brooke actually teaches them how to curl heavier and heavier bottles of glue before they drink out of them. Also, vote for her or she will continue her scooter rampage. Her poodle does not deserve to be dragged on the cement like that.
Lena Yada
28
Los Angeles, CA
For the sake of reader knowledge, I am going to misinterpret her surname as Yoda from this sentence onward. Lightsabre mastery and old-timey wisdom should benefit her in this competition.
It is a shame that WWE has little to no Asian-American representation in their company. Sure, Jimmy Wang Yang and Funaki are three-dimensional characters that inspire us all, though I certainly do not count on them to be effective role models for Asian-American youths. Jimmy Wang Yang is not my boy. Funaki is not the number one Smackdown announcer. In wrestling history, perhaps it was Yoshihiro Tajiri that can claim the title of Greatest Asian Ever. Do you remember when Jonathan Coachman asked Tajiri (a Japanese descendant) to get him food, but it was Chinese food? Yes, World Wrestling Entertainment treated him and only him perfectly. When it came to Tajiri, his character was given the utmost respect. Someday, I wish Yoda will revolutionize the wrestling industry. Never again will Asians be associated with strictly Asian things. If we're lucky, WWE may even let her use a spoon instead of a chopstick.
Eve Torres
22
Los Angeles, CA
I am sitting here with mouth agape. Drool is flowing from seven of my nineteen orifices. Eve Torres is a beautiful breath of fresh air in a stank and dank wrestling industry. There are not a lot of descriptions in the English language that can accurately convey the greatness that is Eva. Therefore, I will shout her power to the mountains with loud yelps; they will bounce off mountain ropes and five-knuckle-shuffle my conscience. Step aside, Melina. You will be hating life when Eva comes to town, Michelle McCool. Step aside again, Melina; you did not step aside far enough. Eve Torres is the new everything. Historians are etching it official on a tablet right now.
Lest we forget her name for she will ride my waves of admiration into the main event. Once there, she will never wrestle. She will simply exist and the three world titles will be hers. The ECW Championship will levitate into her hands, drawn by her extreme eyes. The World Heavyweight Championship will leave the soft hands of the Smackdown champ and knock at her doorstep with a bouquet of posies. Finally, the WWE Championship will spin for all time. A picture of Eve's face will adorn the spinning title. Its graphic will hypnotize you. Millions of critics claimed that Vince was crazy for implying that three wrestlers could be the best in the world at the same time. I tend to agree. You see, Eve Torres is not the tri-champion of one world. Truly, she is the tri-champion of three worlds. First, she conquers Mercury, Venus, and Earth. Then, she will wear Orion's belt fashionably and seductively. Who knows what her beauty will do next? What's that new ninth planet called? Orb #37485.9? Well, she'll rule that one too.
Jessica Hatch
25
Houston, TX
Jessica is a Southern Belle that all the fellows out there want to bring home to mother and father and sister and brother and ex-lover. Also, she is yet another blonde in a sandy hair city.
When you're a WWE Diva, you need to stand out from the rest of the pack. Jessica, with her tanned skin that almost transforms her into a different ethnicity, fails to make herself known due to her bland appearance. Jessica, with her fit physique and bleachy mane, cuts cookies. Although she cannot be unique with the look that she currently possesses, Jessica's abilities and talents could be her selling point. If Jessica is as athletic as she claims, she will need the assistance of the type of sport that can amaze the crowds in nationwide arenas and viewers at home. What do I suggest? Jessica will need a pommel horse. A snazzy two-minute routine with leg scissor swipes and torso twirls will do. Perform that session to a fast-paced country song and we will have ourselves the next WWE Diva. Jessica does not look like a marvel, yet she can be marvelous with action. Pommel horse action. Everything is big in Texas. Jessica will be another one of those big things.
J. Kim
21
Catawba, NC
Like all wrestling fans, I judge beautiful woman by the kind of fitness goals they can help me accomplish. If J. Kim can find it in her super-sexy frame to help me set some personal fitness goals, she will gain my approval in this year's Diva Search. Firstly, I wish to gain ten pounds of muscle, then lose those same ten pounds. Nextly, I plan to go on a kind of diet in which I watch nothing but RAW and eat nothing but raw meat. As a third goal, I want to beat ECW Champion John Morrison in a game of Who Has The Most Abs That Can Be Seen Outside Their Body? So far, Morrison is the proud owner of six abdomen muscles. If J. Kim assists me, I think I can push out a seventh that will make the ladies scream with joy. "Inhuman," they will shout. "No, Kimpossible!" I will reply with cleverness. Somewhere on Sci-Fi, John Morrison will be shedding his tears. They will rain down on his abs. Only six abs will glisten. I will laugh in victory. Tears of joy on those seven abs, people.
Since J. Kim does not appear to have a complete first name, I will assume that "J." was written on her birth certificate. Her mother and father thought for a fortnight, wondering what to name their little pretty bundle of joy and pep and joyous pepness, but could not accurately put into words what to call her lovely being.
Lyndy Frieson
25
Vancouver, BC
Oh, you have stolen my heart like you have stolen that second Y in your first name. You didn't ask for that second Y; you just took it. You hail from my country 'tis of thee sweet land maple syrupy. You live in a city which is also the permanent host to the never-ending Stephen Rivera Chucklethon Festival. You have gorgeous blonde hair that is long. Your chestal area is as robust as coffee is caffeinated. I have never dreamt of a woman as Frieson-y as you. If you do not win the WWE Diva Search '07 Edition, I will march up to World Wrestling Entertainment Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut and mutter a curse word under my breath, accompanied by a hearty fist shake for good measure. You cannot tear Lyndy and I apart, publicly traded sports entertainment company. We belong together in the same manner that Charlie Haas functions as the Lenny to Shelton Benjamin's Carl, except more sexier. A lot more sexier. Get another bushel basket because there's a whole lot of hot left to be picked from the hot tree.
1 comment:
Great post! Here are several links with more info, pics and videos of these ladies:
-Eve Torres
-Brooke Gilbertsen
-Naomi Kirk
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