Wrestling fans across the universe sit solemnly in their ratty couches, dressed in slippers, torn shorts, and a stained tanktop, waiting to be chosen as a worthwhile contributor to society. Many individuals crowd before their television, analyze the week that was professional wrestling programming, and wonder if they too can make the big bucks akin to the performers of today. Young teenage wrestling enthusiasts, who are the whippersnappers of our future, are whipwrecked in dead-end jobs, working for mere dimes and day-old hamburgers. Even adult appreciators of the industry wish they could be innovative and successful employees of WWE, or TNA, rather than stuck in a maze of cubicles and incessant phone ring after phone ring. Due to the current economy, which has left us mostly down and mostly out, we continue to exist under a darkening cloud of unhappiness and unfulfilled aspirations. Many of you may have already thrown in the towel and accepted your mediocre lifestyle with off-white picket fences and only 1.5 children. But, there is hope.
What or who will rescue us from the rut? Newspaper classifieds. To the ignorant, want advertisements are nothing but 50-words-or-less jumbles of abbreviated words submitted by strangers wanting to get rid of their hand lawnmowers and smelly furniture in exchange for a few dollar-dollars. To the intelligent, encountering want advertisments in a newspaper is like finding an actual coin in the center of a chocolate coin. Everyday, national and local print publications showcase great deals and exciting employment opportunities. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling even partake in the advertising of their wants. Did you know that want advertisements is how that all major companies acquire their most loyal and productive hands? No, you don't, but you should because I told you. This is your chance to make a somebody out of your nobody self. This is it. Make it or break it. Choose it or lose it. Take it to the bank or leave it with the skank. Put it on the board or live inside your Ford. You need to become awesome or be hung upside down like a possum. I'm done. I need bed rest after prolonged fits of rhyming.
Now, I know professional wrestling breeds a pessimistic bunch; years of quick roll-ups and double disqualifications out of the ring have left you jaded. Additionally, even I have tried to stay positive during times which are quite trying yet I often fail in my attempts. With that said, I was taught a long time ago that giving up is not an option in life. In fact, when all hope tries to sink to the bottom of the whirlpool ocean of despair... hope floats. Let Sandra Bullock be your guide. Thank you, inanimate motion picture. Danke schoen, Speed 2: Cruise Control I guess.
Want are in the Wrestling Want Ads? Let's take look-see and see-look:
To the lucky few who possess turntables and large headphones you only tuck between your shoulder and the side of your head, take my advice and do not agree to take this job. I am one but several sports entertainment writers/mixmasters in Western North America. I have pumped up numerous jams at wedding parties all over this di-province and tri-state area. Receptions involving wrestling show general managers and Diva Search Contestant losers are disastrous events that end in much sadness. If you have never trusted me before, please take my word for this one instance and do not DJ the Long-Marshall wedding. It will end in heartbreak. There will be no dancing. Any rhythmic movements you see on the body of Teddy Long will be purely coincidental. He will be running from the dance floor with tears streaming down his face. Between joyous fits of laughter, that good-for-nothing schemer Kristal Marshall will gather his tears in a bucket and sell them to the audience Cryme Tyme style. Vickie Guerrero will be there. Nothing good can come from this gig.
Karen Angle is not the first legitimate spouse of a professional wrestler to be featured on television. In the heydays of World Championship Wrestling, Kimberly Page danced funky in unison with about seven or eight other women as the Nitro Girls while Diamond Dallas signaled for the Jay-Z Cutter and downed his opponents with 99 Problems. Years later, the Undertaker was joined on television by his wife, Sarataker, in his quest to vanquish that very DDP. Total Non-Stop Action may believe that Karen Angle is great for business, but you best believe to not put your business in that business. Do not get me wrong for Mrs. Angle is a fetching woman, yet if TNA is wishing to fetch ratings with her, they are super wrong. Take this job if you are the wife of an agent.
Tennesseee Titan Adam "Pacman" Jones is not allowed to wrestle in TNA. Therefore, we need a replacement. He can ghost tag with Ron "Ms. Pac-Man" Killings all he wants, but his feet will never leave the apron. Jones is in need of another football player who is cleared to step inside the squared circular hexagon. Kevin Greene may have cut the mustard in World Championship Wrestling, but that was back then in the late 1700s. Today, we need a fresh footballer-turned-grappler. Michael Vick, if you listening to me and or reading this piece, please answer this advertisement. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling can only benefit from signing another player with a clean-cut image such as yourself. Professional wrestling requires credibility. According to my secret sources, Michael Vick's mother's maiden name was Credibility. Justine Credibility.
ECW's resident monster, who's handled by a teacher with a retractable pointer and intimidating pocket protector, tears it up in the ring every week on Sci-Fi. While he manhandles no-name opponents who wear generic tights, his gargantuan body gets in the way of his path of destruction. Surely, his adversaries weigh a combined upward of a garbage bag of balloons though he cannot squash them to the best of his ability if his pectoral area continues to sway in the breeze like falling leaves from an apple tree, leaving his mobility and view substantiallly limited. So, to the unemployed readers of want advertisements, you will be able to help Big Daddy V in his struggle to not be so jiggly if you possess the power of ten men. If you have friends are family who also have the power of ten men, they may be hired too. Together, you, who has the power of ten men, will join nine of your cohorts, who should each have the power of ten men. One person who has the power of ten men multiplied by the ten men in your group equals a lot of numbers (with a remainder of three probably if you cross-multiply and divide). Big Daddy V is in need of a gaggle of supporters who will hold up his great anterior excess through life in lieu of a lady's bra. Do you have a flatbed truck, crane, tractor trailer, or a Rikishi Bed of Hay on Wheels? If so, a vehicle like one of the aforementioned will come in handy. For your work, you will be paid handsomely in the form of $1,000,000. Then, you will be charged ugly-ly in the form of $1,000,001. The American Dream has come alive.
The reigning World Heavyweight Champion loves to play team sports. As fluid as he is in the squared circle, The Great Khali's force does not always equal fun in other environments. There are times when his inhuman strength becomes a weakness rather than a strength. In his great spare time, The Great Khali loves to play basketball and dunk on his opponents by standing in place. Although, gripping the ball can be challenge. Last week on Smackdown, the Great Khali destroyed a basketball with his iron claws. Despite what viewers believe, he did not deflate the ball on purpose. He was looking to play pick-up with his homies; his excitement overpowered the basketball. What does Khali have to do to shoot some hoops around here without smashing every basketball he caresses with his milky hands? Well, this is where you come into the employment picture. Can you roll into a ball? Are you orange and a tad leathery? Are you an official sphere of the National Basketball Association? If you have answered yes to at least two of these three questions, you qualify to be The Great Khali's human basketball. The pay may not be much (in the realm of two Khali Laughs per hour) but the amount of job satisfaction lasts a lifetime.
No comments:
Post a Comment