Wrestling with Confessions Turbo

To be a professional wrestling connoisseur is perceived as shameful in modern society. From the west to the east, ignorant critics will attack your character the moment you admit you watch coconut-oil-covered athletes thrust their persons at each other for entertainment purposes only. On late Friday nights, it is safe to assume that the wrestling fans of North America retreat to their broom closets, watching their portable televisions, huddled in a tight ball, weeping quietly to themselves as the 759th Smackdown Bikini Contest commences. Fake is a word that cuts like a knife into the hearts of the hardcore, yet as years go by, the wounds do not heal. Outsiders to the sport will never accept wrestling fans as human, but I feel the pain of the pained. They say the world has become a more tolerant place, though at the same time, lies are more prevalent than ever. I admit today, and every day hereafter, that I am not a perfect person. I have flaws like the insecure and insecurities like the flawed. Yes, I am a viewer of professional wrestling. And, yes, I am still wrestling with confessions.

Day turns to night, birds have their way with slutty bees, and wrestlers backflip in ridiculous fashion into turnbuckles to defy the laws of physics and logic. Let the constants live forever more.

1) I'm straight-edge too. I sharpened myself this morning.

2) Who killed Vince McMahon? The White Hummer from WCW circa 1999 did in retaliation to Vince's limousine committing adulterous acts with a dunebuggy.

3) The everlasting snarl on the face of Brother Ray from TNA is not due to his disdain for his World Wrestling Entertainment release. In actuality, I recently relayed a message to him in which I revealed that Dora the Explorer is really not from Spain, but a citizen of San Bernardino, California. Brother Devon testifies that Ray is a blubbering mess.

4) I know a young man who works at a local KFC. Whenever I see him, he's wearing a long leather coat and a beanie. When he slides under the bottom rope of the restaurant, he starts to lift his pelvis up and down against the chicken-greased floor. If a customer tries to order a three-piece meal, he'll screw them out of 50 cents and hand them back a two-piece meal instead while giving the screwed the devil horn hand gestures all the way through, screaming "You're a loserface, butt pirate!" to add edginess to his jerky repertoire. The people around here believe he is a talented boy, but also admit that he brings forth scenes of mild language and can get carried away in some adult situations. His name tag reads Duncan the Trainee, but I call him The Rated PG Employee.

5) Maryse has stopped welcoming viewers back to Smackdown while taking a bath. She is playing with my fragile heart. I bet she'll start taking showers while welcoming viewers back to RAW. Hussy. Traitor.

6) Congratulations to "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal on winning his first TNA X-Division Cha...oh. My bad. Samoa Joe is champion now. Well, that's life. Hey, check this out. I just won 2nd prize at a beauty contest from this Community Chest card in Mono...what the hell Joe? Stop stealing people's thunders. You're 4th prettiest at best. Don't flatter yourself.

8) Yesterday, I placed a marshallow and a ladder in the middle of two graham crackers, then placed it in the microwave for two minutes. It took me 20 hours to eat the worst s'more I've ever had in my entire life. Jim Ross is right -- that ladder is not made out of chocolate.

9) I spoke to the Lord recently. He told me to tell Mr. Kennedy that he's sick and tired of lowering microphones down to him all the time. "Get a mic stand, you fool," he added.

10) Smiling Paul London was responsible for the following tragedies: The Fall of the Roman Empire, World War II, Identity Theft in North America, the Failure of Inner City School Systems, and December to Dismember. I read it in a book once.

11) I only purchased the Vengeance Pay-Per-View because I misheard the Night of Champions to be the "Night of Champignons" in which all participants would be high on mushrooms while wrestling, use portobello mushrooms as a weapon during matches, or both. They were 0 for 2.

12) What do Snitsky and I have in common? Snitksy's favourite magazine is O.

13) When I think I'm going to be late for a dentist appointment, I tend to rush. Of course, the dentist will try to count to ten, but by nine, I get to the office and then leave to break up the count.

14) Finlay is forced to utilize a shillelagh because I stolen his first weapon of choice before he was able to debut it on television -- tickling opponents with four-leaf clovers.

15) Like many individuals of my faith, I took June 17th off as a Roman Catholic holiday. This Slammiversary, I refrained from eating ox tail.

16) Every time a professional wrestler employs The Overdrive as a finisher, I'm told an angel gets a pity grope from a lady of the night.

17) I have volunteered to gather Mark Henry's excess sweat into large tanks. I will then fly a plane to third world countries in Africa and parachute the tanks down onto the underprivileged below. May they enjoy a vast water supply for decades to come. You're welcome in advance.

18) The day Boogeyman vomits those worms is the day that hungry young birds everywhere will get the meal of their lives.

19) The following question will cloud my mind from here to eternity: if John Cena put the STFU on himself, would he tap, make it the ropes, or counter the STFU on himself with another STFU on himself?

20) If I had to escape a hold, I would probably counter a German suplex by leaning my body slightly towards Switzerland.