In this day and age, everybody wants to know everything about Stephen Rivera. The paparazzi hide in bushes, trees, and garbage cans to secretly photograph my every move inside my palatial estate. On weekends, I am hounded by the press during my excursions to hip and happening places like the pharmacy or 70's Night at the local roller derby. The other day, Access Hollywood ran a segment claiming that I attended Jay-Z and Beyoncé's party at Arby's, spending my time between bites of a scrumptous Beef n' Cheddar canoodling with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and an artist's rendering of "1996 Skip & Zip" Sunny. I have been featured unfavourably in tabloids many times, binge-drinking can after can of RAW Energy under an overpass with my pants at my thighs (and at my ankles when I'm feeling rowdy). Alas, this is the life of an professional wrestling writer slash fetching, part-time waiter slash Flag Day parade float. If the people want the nitty-gritty details about my existence, they will have to get nitty and gritty with me.
Today, Justin Shapiro is a brave man. He has chosen to dig deep into my world. Best of luck to him. May his journey across the lands of sexy fires lead him to my dungeon of danger and wisdom.
The Interviewerved: Justin Shapiro and I
Stephen Rivera: Statistics
-Former writer for The Armpit
-Current owner/writer for The Swerved
-Compares himself to a kiss from a rose on the grey
-Finishing Move: The Gated Community (A vertical suplex into a crowd of judgemental eyes.)
J: I've kowtowed to your grilling long enough, Mr. Rivera, and now it's time for me to get some answers. The truth comes out.
#1: Turnabout being fair play, please identify YOUR OWN personal preferred moment in the history of Sunday Night Heat.
S: I cannot recall the exact date, but around the month of March in the year 2004, Velocity's own Josh Matthews and Josh Matthews' own Rue de Bona rode into the lovely night on a horse carriage of eternal happiness. That evening, Sunday Night Heat became more than just a wrestling show. At that moment, truth became beauty, and beauty truth. The on- and off-air courtship brought a joyous tear to mine eye. It would have brought a tear to both eyes, but I designate the other eye for mournful tears only. May the tale of MatthRue be forever instilled in the annals of Heat lore. May they live harmoniously in their heart-shaped castle, complete with guest room set aside for Steve Romero when he's feeling blue.
#2: Now that we've casted A Wrestler Development, let's apply the question in reverse. Are there any directional aspects or storylines from AD that the TV savvy WWE writing staff ought to consider plucking besides each show running their own version of an angle about the retarded? Would there be a benefit to Raw adopting the conceit of ending each show airing clips "On The Next ... Monday Night Raw" that they have no intention of taking place, such as, perhaps, advertised matches or payoffs to angles?
S: Is Burger King a wonderful restaurant? It sure is!
If WWE could somehow integrate a third-person omniscient narrator into their programming, quite possibly they would never have to show replays ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment's anti-drug is to show thirty replays of an incident that aired no more than ten seconds ago. If it was up to me, I would stop such actions immediately. Of course, they may utilize Ron Howard as narrator (if they wish), but I suggest the master of wordplay himself Ernest "The Cat" Miller. Is he going to whip somebody? Is he going to call his mother? Is he going to whip somebody and call his mother? A complex man makes a complex show.
If they end each show with "On the Next... Monday Night Raw", the segments would be nothing but presentations of rematches of bouts that already took place the week before, or a tag match involving members of rematches that have already taken place. To ask anything more from WWE is to set yourself up for grave disappointment.
#3: JBL's limo. Simon Dean's segway. Kerwin White's golf cart. The Greasers' cadillac. The Mexicools' lawnmowers. Eddie Guerrero's lowrider before Big Show blew it up. A new WWE video game for the X-Box 360 Degrees: Santino Kart. Who you playing as and why? (You may create-a-wrestler a different vehicle as well.)
S: There are several wonderful choices to be found in Santino Kart. Some of them include:
-Umaga's Samoan Bulldozer
-Armando Alejandro Estrada's Carmando Carlejandro Carstrada
-The Great Khali Piggybacking on Daivari
-Marcus Cor Von's Marcus Car Van (The Alpha Male digs the hybrids.)
-Batista's Choo-Choo Train of Good Tidings and Humility
I am told that Batista's Choo-Choo Train is endorsed by Triple H's Pert Plus Express for Silky and Manageable Hair. To pick Batista's vehicle is to choose the victor of every race, even though the vehicle does not deserve it.
#4: Continuing the two-way street, do you have any pitches of your own for WWE Films, besides "pack it in"?
S: Here are some of my ideas:
Genre: Live-Action-Adventure
A mild-mannered wrestling announcer from Oklahoma (Jim Ross) tastes a radioactive rainbow and falls ill. Overnight, he gains the immense powers found within the fruity and delicious Skittles candy. As he learns to control his new abilities, an evil scientist (Todd Grisham) tries to take over the world by building an evil robot made entirely out of the dreaded brown M & M's.
Rated PG-13 for mild violence, some coarse language, and explicit scenes of snack consumption.
Genre: Animated Comedy-Romance
Masters, a down-on-his-luck deadbolt [Chris Masters (voice)], falls in love with Ashkey [Ashley Massaro (voice)], a key trapped under the evil Door Matt [Matt Hardy (voice)]. Convinced he has found his soulmate, he gains the assistance of his feisty friends Lever [Jonathan Coachman (voice)] and Frenchy the Door [René Dupree (voice)] to help take on his foe. Can Masters get to Ashkey in time before she suffocates under the clutches of a large outdoor piece of carpet? Can Ashkey find the combination to his Masters' heart
Rated PG for some adult themes, mild language, and awkward depictions of wrestling by Ashley Massaro.
#5: Which two wrestlers do you think would be good choices to repackage and pair up as opponents for Shad and JTG, in the form of Whyte Collar Cryme Tyme?
S: My Whyte Collar Cryme Tyme Proposal:
William Regal = Willennium Reges
Attire: One pant leg rolled up, one pant leg rolled down; one shirtsleeve rolled up one shirtsleeve rolled down; his entire outfit is chrome. He will wear one shoe on one foot, but the other shoe will fit over his hand. He will raise his shoeless foot in the air and hop around to enhance his Gangsta Mystique.
Dave Taylor = Tay-Tay
Attire: Red singlet replaced by stolen tea cozies, woven together into a jumpsuit.
Together, they will travel around the world, teaching elderly African Americans how to wear wool jackets, smoke pipes, and say, "Quite" after humourous anecdotes at various box socials.
#6: You've got the last pick in the Draft Lottery. Only guys left are the writing-staff-geeks-doubling-as-onscreen-talent. Would you select Dave "Arab Bischoff" Kapoor or Christopher "Big Dick Johnson" DeJosephs?
S: I would pick BDJ, but I base my choice primarily on the favourable pound-to-profit ratio, which is one pound to -5 million dollars.
#7: Evolution is a mystery. Define, explain it.
S: ev¡¤o¡¤lu¡¤tion (¨§v'ə-l¨¨'shən, ¨¥'və-) n.: The act or condition of an evolut.
ev¡¤o¡¤lut (ĕv'ə-lŭt, ¨¥'və-) n.: An individual or group with a specific preference to face 3-man combinations of Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Edge, Shawn Michaels, and Shelton Benjamin in 6-man tag matches until the end of time.
#8: Let's pretend you're Mr. Money Bank. How would you "pimp out" your briefcase, as it were? Your initials, yin-yang symbol, or other?
S: Pretend I'm Mr. Money Bank? Why fake reality?
If I could "pimp out" my briefcase, I would put a terrarium on there, due to my love of lizards and turtles on rocks. As a tribute to John Cena, the terrarium would be spinning. If there is any more room on the faceplate, I would hire contractors to build a supermarket, which will be encrusted with diamonds and beautiful white gold statues of Rob Van Dam's concussion face.
#9: If Samoa Joe goes to WWE, but is somehow unable to use the name, what moniker(s) do you suggest he adopt?
S: I predict Samoa Joe will sign with World Wrestling Entertainment in the very near future once he stops staring down Kurt Angle and not winning the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. To guarantee his success in WWE, I have set aside some names and gimmicks that will assure him international fame. They are:
-Shoemaga (The Samoan Shoe Salesman)
-Phatty Arbuckle (To-Hip-To-Be-Square Silent Film Star)
-John Jacob Jiggleheimer Joe (Blue Collar German -- his name is our name too)
-Johannesburg Sam (Samoa Joe moves to South Africa. What could possibly go wrong? Well, what could possibly go right? *Insert boing sound effect here*)
-Fisticuffs the Well-Nourished Island Boy (Fights opponents on a food pyramid to teach children about the benefits of nutrition.)
#10: The entrance music of Rob Conway's former tag team partner Sylvan Grenier suggested that "The World Is Sylvan." Well, is it?
S: Well, his music doesn't say, "The World May Be Sylvan," or "There Is A Distinct Possiblity That The World Has Sylvanic Properties," so absolutely. The World is Sylvan, Venus is Val Venis, and the planet Mercury has its face continually destroyed by a ladder in orbit.
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