For many years, I have searched the globe for the Being of Hilarity to no avail. I have trekked through the treacherous jungles of Africa, only to find a bunch of green trees, plus one tiger that was more clever than funny. With frostbitten fingers, hands, feet, legs, torso, face, hair, and clothes, I painstakingly climbed to the top of Mount Everest to discover nothing but thin air and half-eaten dead and frozen people. Decked in scuba gear, I dived into the depths of the Great Barrier Reef, only to view a lobster singing under the sea to other colourful sea creatures. "He is a telented crooner. His musical stylings are not comedic at all. There is a mermaid down here wearing a bra made out of clamshells, but that is more resourceful than funny," I said to myself. Next, I learned how to fly a plane and hovered over the Bermuda Triangle, only to go missing for fifty years. I managed to escape unscathed to continue my quest, but at the same time, I was left confused as to why they would call it the Bermuda Triangle when it is obviously a trapezoid.
Traveling thousands of miles back and forth, to and fro, here and there, from continent to continent has made me weary. I was at a mental loss as to where I could uncover the elusive treasure trove. If it was not in the jungles, nor on the tallest peaks, nor in the deepest oceans, nor within a misinterpreted shape, where could it be?
But, last night, I found my answer. I stumbled upon a temple in Tibet, nestled in the middle of a Wal-Mart and a 7-11. Once inside, I encountered an elderly man, thinking pensively upon a slab of stone. I walked up to him and asked, "Wise old fellow, I have been around this earth many a time, but have yet to find the source of laughter. Is this being a myth? Is my search for nought? Will there ever be an adequate terrain for my this pair of lollerskates on my feet?"
The old man looked down at the ground in the pensive manner, then used his walking stick to pull himself up to a standing position. As he gazed upon the setting sun, he patted me on the shoulder and said, "Young man, the one you are looking for is closer than you think. He is a man of wonder. He is a mysterious enigma of fantastical happiness. He can make us think with his insightful philosophies about life and its surroundings. He makes us weep with his touching stories of triumph and despair. And, sometimes, under the dreary moonlight, he is capable of making the world laugh a joyous laugh, giving mankind hope for yet another day. Do you know this man is?"
"Bobby Lashley?" I asked.
"No, Justin Shapiro," he said before he slapped me upside the head.
Fin.
Welcome to the Interviewerved with Justin Shapiro. I am told he is as funny as Bobby Lashley.
We'll see about that.
Justin Shapiro: Statistics
- World Famous WWE Heat Admirer/Reporter
- WrestlingObserver.com Substitute Teacher for Todd Martin
- Drinker of Beverages
- Finishing Move: The People's Worm (it’s just how it sounds)
10 Questions
#1: In the brilliant history of WWE Heat, what is your most favourite Heat moment and or match and why?
J: Ah. The eternal question. We should probably consult this utterly astonishing array. Given those supercool choices, I would narrow my list down to the following:
- July 11, 1999: The Rock tells a story about when Billy Gunn prays to God and asks why everyone still thinks he absolutely sucks.
- August 6, 2000: Edge & Christian have a dream of double gold; Mick Foley forces Christian to lose weight by wearing Kurt Angle's chicken suit.
- October 22, 2000: prior to No Mercy, Kurt Angle conducts an exclusive interview with video clips of the Rock.
- March 30, 2003: prior to Wrestlemania 19, John Cena battleraps cardboard cutouts of Jay-Z and Fabolous, tells them that even if they lived in a sperm bank, they couldn't get their comeback.
- August 17, 2003: Victoria and Stevie interrupt Al Stone's lunch; Victoria stomps around on the table in fuzzy slippers claiming to be Godzilla; Tommy Dreamer ruins Stevie's hat.
These are my favorite moments, because at no point during Heat's run, either during the long-running squash match phase or its [Vince] Russoriffic (did I just invent a new word???) nature in 1999 as crashier TVier version of Raw, were you ever going to see memorable matches, but in these five instances, you did get some legitimately hilarious and memorable (except in the case of the last one, which was rightfully seen by few and far between) comedy. If I were to pick just one, funniest of all would probably be the Angle/"Rock" "inter"view. Someone upload it to the internet website www.YouTube.com!
#2: In several of your Heat reports featured on the Wrestling Observer website, you expressed your love for the cancelled FOX show Arrested Development. Apparently, you and I are one of five humans on this planet that liked the show's unique style of humour and overall absurdity. If you were to recast Arrested Development with WWE wrestlers and personalities, what would your version of the comedy look like?
J: And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything:
Narrator ... Jim Ross
George Bluth Sr. ... Vince McMahon
Lucille Bluth ... Linda McMahon
Michael Bluth ... Shane McMahon
George-Michael Bluth ... Declan McMahon (young), Rey Mysterio (adolescent)
GOB Bluth ... Eric Bischoff (but would also audition Simon Dean)
Lindsay Funke ... Stephanie McMahon
Tobias Funke ... Triple H
Maeby Funke ... Aurora Rose Levesque (young), Mickie James (adolescent)
Buster Bluth ... Shawn Michaels
Barry Zuckerkorn ... Paul Heyman
Ann Veal ... Molly Holly
Kitty Sanchez ... Kelly Kelly
Annyong ... Tajiri
Oscar Bluth ... bald doorag Vince McMahon
Steve Holt ... Armando Alejandro Estrada
Marta ... Vickie Guerrero
J. Walter Weatherman ... Zach Gowen
Rita ... Maria
Maggie Lizer ... Nidia
Bob Loblaw ... Randy Orton
Carl Weathers ... Booker T
John Beard ... Michael Cole
Stan Sitwell ... Ted Turner
Franklin ... Teddy Long
Many of these jokes are self-explanatory for those who know the characters, but the important addition here is adding the gay subtext between Tobias and Buster.
#3: What disappointed me most about Wrestlemania 23 was their lack of ring carts. They could have celebrated the 20th anniversary of Wrestlemania 3 with the return of said ring carts, but they made wrestlers walk down the aisle instead. What type of vehicle or machine would you employ to bring wrestlers down to the ring for next year's Wrestlemania 24 from Orlando, Florida?
J: Four words:
SIX
SIDED
RING
CART.
#4: WWE Films' The Condemned blew box office records away this spring/early summer, attaining a total of five dollars, a bottle cap, and half of a gum wrapper over its entire theatrical run. Let's say you get to formulate the plot for the next WWE blockbuster film. What is it about and what is its tagline?
J: I would do a Secret Wars-like crossover with Jacob Goodnight, John Triton, and Jack Conrad all brought together under unusual circumstances, wherein the two ex-soldiers have to team together to survive the murderous monster. In outer space. Neither are under contract any longer, but I’d also love to reimagine the oft-pitched Big Show/Kurt Angle buddy cop movie, but do it up much grittier and much more street, with adult themes and one of the cops having a severe drug problem. It would be called “Blue & Wight.” Note: Paul Wight’s character is also named Paul Wight. Other note: Kurt Angle’s character’s last name is Blue.
#5: JTG (Jontel Tontavious Gorter) and Shad of Cryme Tyme provide many a giggle for all with their wacky backstage hijinx every week on RAW. Is there any hilarious skit they have not yet done that you would like to see them attempt?
J: Peep this. I have an idea for a skit in which the members of Cryme Tyme interact with non-black, white persons, be they white wrestlers, regular white people, or, to dream a dream, ELDERLY white people. Cryme Tyme would be being all black, natch, but allow me to blow your mind by taking this to the next level. The other participants, who are so white, would in turn talk back to Cryme Tyme the way that black people do, tossing out hilarious expressions like “homey,” “for shizzle,” “holla,” and “peep this.” Cryme Tyme would be like “what da f***!” and “hell naw!” Finally, Mae Young would sing a popular current hip-hop number like “It’s Getting Hot In Here” and Faarooq would say damn. Funny, funny? Yeah yeah.
#6: The Great Khali is many things. In fact, he has so many talents, I am having great difficulty naming them at the moment. In your opinion, how "great" is The
Great Khali?
J: The Great Khali is as great as "Awesome" Mike Awesome is awesome and as Larry Zbyszko is legendarily living, when he dies.
#7: Triple H is still months away from returning to World Wrestling Entertainment, but how do you see him returning? In my opinion, he shall return in his barbarian costume, complete with throne and bottle of water. Barbarians are quite parched in a North American climate.
J: The throne should also be on a ring cart. An eight-sided ring cart with a cage around it.
They should move Batista to Raw in the draft, reunite Evolution, and set up the heel factory for Cena to run through for the rest of the year. Keep in mind, though, that this is going to be booked by writers who weren’t watching wrestling back in Evolution’s heyday in 2004, so they might not have a grasp on the true spirit of Evolution.
For 2008, then, my big plan is to break them up and put back together the famous tag team Rated RKO to feud with HHH and Batista. Keep in mind, though, that this is going to be booked by writers who weren’t watching wrestling back in RRKO’s heyday in 2006, so they might not have a grasp on the true spirit of Rated RKO.
#8: Let's pretend you're Mr. Money Bank, but insteadof holding a guaranteed title shot valid at any time until Wrestlemania 24, you can request anything you wish with the exchange of your briefcase. What is your request?
J: Well, I would ask for more such briefcases. SUCKERS.
Then I would ask for some banana pudding.
And then I would plan.
#9: If Rob Van Dam goes to TNA, but is somehow unable to use the name, what moniker(s) do you suggest he adopt?
J: I am far from the first person to suggest "Harvey Dee," but there’s no topping that one. Failing that, I would proffer: Rob Von Darn, Robby Bonilla, or Mr. Whatever Night Impact Is On.
#10: Sadly, "The Con-Man" Rob Conway was recently released by World Wrestling Entertainment. His entrance theme encouraged people to look at him. Well, did you?
J: Obviously I did. The whole damn world wanted to look like him. (But they don’t.) I am not sure, however that Rob’s release isn’t all part of some elaborate con. Maybe Conway, like Pillman, worked the company into giving him his release, making him a free agent and allowing him to jump to … well, nowhere. That’s okay; he’s not about the score, he’s about the con. Just look at him.
This WWEek in Justin Shapiros of the WWEek:
Q: Did you know that Justin Shapiro, the human being, is a card-carrying member of The Playa's Club featuring Coach?
A: You mean I'm not a member? I guess I'm part of The Sad Club... featuring me.
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