To be a professional wrestling connoisseur is perceived as shameful in modern society. From the west to the east, ignorant critics will attack your character the moment you admit you watch coconut-oil-covered athletes thrust their persons at each other for entertainment purposes only. On late Friday nights, it is safe to assume that the wrestling fans of North America retreat to their broom closets, watching their portable televisions, huddled in a tight ball, weeping quietly to themselves as the 759th Smackdown Bikini Contest commences. Fake is a word that cuts like a knife into the hearts of the hardcore, yet as years go by, the wounds do not heal. Outsiders to the sport will never accept wrestling fans as human, but I feel the pain of the pained. They say the world has become a more tolerant place, though at the same time, lies are more prevalent than ever. I admit today, and every day hereafter, that I am not a perfect person. I have flaws like the insecure and insecurities like the flawed. Yes, I am a viewer of professional wrestling. And, yes, I am still wrestling with confessions.
Day turns to night, birds have their way with slutty bees, and wrestlers backflip in ridiculous fashion into turnbuckles to defy the laws of physics and logic. Let the constants live forever more.
1) I'm straight-edge too. I sharpened myself this morning.
2) Who killed Vince McMahon? The White Hummer from WCW circa 1999 did in retaliation to Vince's limousine committing adulterous acts with a dunebuggy.
3) The everlasting snarl on the face of Brother Ray from TNA is not due to his disdain for his World Wrestling Entertainment release. In actuality, I recently relayed a message to him in which I revealed that Dora the Explorer is really not from Spain, but a citizen of San Bernardino, California. Brother Devon testifies that Ray is a blubbering mess.
4) I know a young man who works at a local KFC. Whenever I see him, he's wearing a long leather coat and a beanie. When he slides under the bottom rope of the restaurant, he starts to lift his pelvis up and down against the chicken-greased floor. If a customer tries to order a three-piece meal, he'll screw them out of 50 cents and hand them back a two-piece meal instead while giving the screwed the devil horn hand gestures all the way through, screaming "You're a loserface, butt pirate!" to add edginess to his jerky repertoire. The people around here believe he is a talented boy, but also admit that he brings forth scenes of mild language and can get carried away in some adult situations. His name tag reads Duncan the Trainee, but I call him The Rated PG Employee.
5) Maryse has stopped welcoming viewers back to Smackdown while taking a bath. She is playing with my fragile heart. I bet she'll start taking showers while welcoming viewers back to RAW. Hussy. Traitor.
6) Congratulations to "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal on winning his first TNA X-Division Cha...oh. My bad. Samoa Joe is champion now. Well, that's life. Hey, check this out. I just won 2nd prize at a beauty contest from this Community Chest card in Mono...what the hell Joe? Stop stealing people's thunders. You're 4th prettiest at best. Don't flatter yourself.
8) Yesterday, I placed a marshallow and a ladder in the middle of two graham crackers, then placed it in the microwave for two minutes. It took me 20 hours to eat the worst s'more I've ever had in my entire life. Jim Ross is right -- that ladder is not made out of chocolate.
9) I spoke to the Lord recently. He told me to tell Mr. Kennedy that he's sick and tired of lowering microphones down to him all the time. "Get a mic stand, you fool," he added.
10) Smiling Paul London was responsible for the following tragedies: The Fall of the Roman Empire, World War II, Identity Theft in North America, the Failure of Inner City School Systems, and December to Dismember. I read it in a book once.
11) I only purchased the Vengeance Pay-Per-View because I misheard the Night of Champions to be the "Night of Champignons" in which all participants would be high on mushrooms while wrestling, use portobello mushrooms as a weapon during matches, or both. They were 0 for 2.
12) What do Snitsky and I have in common? Snitksy's favourite magazine is O.
13) When I think I'm going to be late for a dentist appointment, I tend to rush. Of course, the dentist will try to count to ten, but by nine, I get to the office and then leave to break up the count.
14) Finlay is forced to utilize a shillelagh because I stolen his first weapon of choice before he was able to debut it on television -- tickling opponents with four-leaf clovers.
15) Like many individuals of my faith, I took June 17th off as a Roman Catholic holiday. This Slammiversary, I refrained from eating ox tail.
16) Every time a professional wrestler employs The Overdrive as a finisher, I'm told an angel gets a pity grope from a lady of the night.
17) I have volunteered to gather Mark Henry's excess sweat into large tanks. I will then fly a plane to third world countries in Africa and parachute the tanks down onto the underprivileged below. May they enjoy a vast water supply for decades to come. You're welcome in advance.
18) The day Boogeyman vomits those worms is the day that hungry young birds everywhere will get the meal of their lives.
19) The following question will cloud my mind from here to eternity: if John Cena put the STFU on himself, would he tap, make it the ropes, or counter the STFU on himself with another STFU on himself?
20) If I had to escape a hold, I would probably counter a German suplex by leaning my body slightly towards Switzerland.
In Riverdale I'm staying mad at Reggie A place where I can play, leave Midge alone
I'm tired of all these books I told you I don't read I've never understood "To be, or not to be." I'd rather play football and wear a numbered shirt. The world of mathematics makes my thinking part hurt.
And I say
In Riverdale I'm staying mad at Reggie I can't believe I'm forced to hang with him and Archie What the hell is Jughead wearing a freakin' crown for? He's not the Burger King cause that joint is next door
Leave Midge alone
The Question Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Here's to Mr. McMahon. May he tear both his quads upon entry to that wrestling ring in the sky.
The following article was written in June of last year. If you are familiar with NBC's "The More You Know" public service campaign, you will have buckets of chuckles with this piece. If you have an request for a future edition of The Swerved: Special Edition, or if you have a specific topic in mind that you want addressed in a new article, please leave a comment or send over an e-mail. Also, remember to type in a language I can understand. I can read English, some French, and Great Khalese if I squint really hard.
-Stephen
*****
As sports entertainers, wrestling greats are meant to do two things and two things only. Firstly, they are to shock and amaze audiences with death defying feats such as the modified suplex and safe style headlock. Secondly, they are to be informative spokespersons of our days. You see, when I was little, I was a troublemaker; I didn't know who to turn to for advice. I would do such dastardly acts as crotching classmates on the top rope and putting substitute teachers through flaming, stacked tables. They called me, "The Kid Who Crotched Classmates On Top Ropes and Put Substitute Teachers Through Flaming, Stacked Tables." That nickname alone was the worst thing I've ever been called, so I needed help. Where did I get it? I went to the one person who could help me -- Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. He showed me the way.
The following re-enactment is not suitable for all readers. Grandparental discretion is strongly advised:
Stephen: So, I think I need anger management or something. Duke "The Dumpster" Droese: It's time to take out the trash! Stephen: Okay!
(Duke "The Dumpster" Droese was one of my favourite characters when I first started watching the World Wrestling Federation. First of all, he brought a garbage can to the ring. Why? Because whatever day WWF Superstars aired in your area, it was garbage day. At the same time, I wish he would've formed a tag team with another wrestler, like Marty "The Recycle Bin" Jannetty, since you need to balance that trashbaggin greatness out with something eco-friendly. There is no doubt about that.)
And, that's how I became a garbage man. In conclusion, I think I can safely say that wrestlers are, in fact, the greatest teachers of all.
Honestly, I believe these grapplers can guide us and the children of the future to a better tomorrow in the form of public service commercials. The television giant known as NBC may have invented the "The More You Know" campaign, teaching kids not to smoke crack or sausage, but World Wrestling Entertainment can take it one step further. Surely, they could take it two steps, but Vince McMahon is a modest Mc-Man. He and his company will only do what is needed for society.
(I'm going to invent an arcade game called Mrs. Mc-Man. An 8-bit representation of Linda McMahon will move around a maze, taking stunners badly everywhere she goes.)
Take these commercials seriously, for they may be the ticket to human salvation. Just remember, yes this is entertainment... but the hazards are real. No matter who you are, whatever you do, please. Don't try this at home. Try it at a friend's house. I bet they have a high-definition television there.
(The views of the The Swerved do not reflect the opinion of the wrestling industry, nor the opinion of World Wrestling Entertainment. If you want to execute wrestling moves on another human being, please do so at a relative's home. Just in case you knock out your little brother on the kitchen floor with a Tiger Driver, your Fun Uncle will make it all better with ice cream.)
The Commercials:
Vince McMahon is a no-pants billionaire. Any questions?
(Yes, one. Stephen Rivera of the The Swerved with Stephen Rivera. I had a two-part question, but I have condensed it into one. Here it goes -- how come he done got dead?)
Commercial #1: Vince McMahon on "Old Age"
"You're sixty years old with a chiseled body made of brawn and steel. You force your female employees to act in your overtly sexual skits. They feign interest in you while you fondle their unmentionables. You are the focus of your flagship show, leapfrogging over younger and more eager individuals who may benefit from the national and international exposure. You walk down ramps with your legs spread out and your arms flailing wildly like you really need to go to the toilet. Wrestling fans think you've lost your mind. What's wrong with you? Nothing, old man. You best believe it. Get your swerve on, gramps. Hit it while you can."
(I find it hard to defend a lot of the television Vince McMahon approves to air. He said he wouldn't deal with death, but he has exploited death many times over, including instances that have occurred quite recently; he assured the fans he wouldn't touch the issue of rape, yet Kane and Lita's relationship was one big forced love-a-thon and Heidenreich violently imposed his poetry bookmark between Michael Cole's back index a few years ago; Vince claimed he wouldn't refer to murder, but at the Great American Bash of 2004, Paul Bearer was encased in wet cement and periodically returns to house shows to remind others that you are only dead from murder every other week. With all that said, Vince McMahon charges viewers forty dollars a few times a month to see the same RAW, Smackdown, and ECW matches they've seen time and time again, but with the addition of a guy slamming his opponent on a different surface, like a car or a blanketed pad, rather than on a mat. He gets away with it too. That is something else.)
Mike "The Miz" Mizanin might be the greatest host of Smackdown ever, but he is also the greatest host of our hearts and minds. When I first saw him on screen telling the crowd what the jumbo screens already mentioned, I was hooked. "This guy is cool," I said. "This fellow has pizazz." To be cool and have pizazz is much needed in the wrestling industry, as in life. For job interviews, if you don't show pizazz or if you are incapable of having pizazzal qualities, you are out the door. Therefore, who better than this man to tell you what to do? Do you need more convincing? Well, this guy was on the Real World. Take it and love it.
(Because MTV has kept the program on for so long in different incarnations, I'm starting to think that maybe The Real World is reality and my life is a reality show. Who wants to see a guy write on a notepad while eating a spoonful of peanut butter every morning? Everybody does.)
Commercial #2: The Miz on "Investment"
"HOO-RA. Think about it."
(I've thought about it, and I'm not feeling it. HOO-RA would cost me 7.6% interest every year on my investment. That is not sound. This is not reasonable.)
I'm not the biggest fan of horror movies because I don't wish to pay money towards something I can already get for free. If I wanted to get scared, I could just stroll into the rural areas of North America. "Look at these ugly people in their ugly convience ugly store of ugly. They are the opposite of not ugly." Yet, I do have an exception for horror movies starring Kane. I'm willing to pay many a dollar for that kind of entertainment. There's something intriguing about Kane walking around without pyro going off behind him. I often suspect that pyro goes off when he goes into the washroom or buys discount shoes.
(Kane is an angry being since those Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts do not come in Size 15. Lastly, for the sake of saying, Kane also uses his See No Evil Hook for a shoehorn. That is why he is a morose, tall, bald, and shirtless man too.)
Commercial #3: Kane on "Movies"
"You're watching See No Evil with that special someone. When Jabob Goodnight emerges from the hotel shadows, she's gripping your arm in fear. You can smell her pretty hair. The scent is reminiscent of strawberries, but with an added touch of kiwi or lime. As the movie continues, bodies are dismembered and blood is flying everywhere. This time, your lady can't watch. Instead, she's getting a little friendly with you. Possibly, she's getting a little too friendly. She rubs your thigh and blows into your ear. Your body gets tense. The sensation is uncomfortable, but somewhat alluring. You're not sure what's going to happen. What do you do? Lean over and lovingly say to her, "Stop blocking the screen, woman! He's gonna tombstone that bitch! I know it!" It's then and there that you break up with her. Why? She failed to appreciate a WWE film. You are better off without her."
(I tried to watch The Condemned at my local movie theatre, but by the time I got there, it was "condemned" from the multiplex for poor ticket sales, so to speak. In all, the box office returns were "Stone Cold", if you will. Jack Conrad failed to "stun" the competition. There was no "rattle" in that "snake". Rochard Rieper from the Lou Thesz Press gave it a "Hell no!" Get? Hey, what are you doing? Don't touch me. I said not to touch me. Fine. I'll show myself off a cliff.)
When I think of Randy Orton, I think of legendary killing greatness. Also, I think of wisdom. Since he's the youngest World Heavyweight Champion in WWE history, I expect he knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Say, if I asked him about the quality of Tupperware containers, he'd probably RKO each one to figure out which is the most durable. He's championship material any day of the year because he cares about the state of day-old leftovers.
(Randy Orton the Stalker is not as Good Times as much as Randy Orton the Cake Jumper Outer is Good Times. Randy Orton the Cake Jumper Outer is the deity I pray to on sorrowful nights. Randy Orton the Cake Jumper Outer is Great Times.)
Commercial #4: Randy Orton on "Behaviour"
"Just because you're cocky doesn't mean you're a bad person. In a recent study, 24 million Americans feel they are mistreated by their peers. Do you know what that means? You guys aren't doing a good enough job. Get it together, Hollywood. You better piss in that dude's sandwich, or I will."
(Let me tell you about a humourous event that I was involved in on one crazy Saturday night. To be funny, one of my cohorts urinated in a glass, dropped a bunch of ice cubes and a straw in the glass, and gave it to me in attempt to pass it off as Mountain Dew. What did I do? I put the straw to my lips and inhaled a bit. As the questionable beverage was mere inches from my lips, I reached into that dude's body, ripped out his bladder, and threw it out onto a highway during rush hour. We laughed and laughed.)
If you watched RAW recently (and I hope to the Lord almightly Rob Conway that you did), you saw the accidental incident involving the collision of one Charlie Haas and one Lillian Garcia. Mr. Haas aggressively bounced off the ropes in the presence of a sensual young woman, and she went flying. Then, Lillian collapsed to the somewhat padded ground, and screamed and moaned. I wasn't there, so it wasn't audible calls of sultry delight; it was most certainly moans of pain. What did Haas do after that? He pumped his fist in the air and went "YEAH!" You see, that's a man right there. No wonder he's married to Jackie Gayda. He probably bounces off his sofa ropes at home and knocks her through sliding doors. I wish I were that masculine.
(Jackie Gayda crashed through a sliding door about a year ago and ended up pregnant. Many months later, their very, very, very fine Haas welcomed their first child -- a daughter. Charlie Haas is The World's Greatest Tag Team Partner in addition to The World's Greatest Impregnator.)
Commercial #5: Charlie Haas on "Chivalry"
"When you see a woman with a microphone announcing your name, run towards her and knock her on her ass. That's what the ladies love."
(Lillian Garcia is so tempted by Charlie Haas' wicked ways that she recently injured herself in a ski accident on purpose so he couldn't injure her first and steal her heart. She is smitten.)
With the fifth pick in the 2007 WWE Draft, The Swerved picks Mr. Wrestling LV -- Vickie Guerrero.
AND
I'd like to give a shout-out to Finlay's Boogeyman Dance, my girl Jo Jo Kerns, Matt Roloff, Bubble Tape (grape flavour), velcro shoes, and the 5-second rule.
In this day and age, everybody wants to know everything about Stephen Rivera. The paparazzi hide in bushes, trees, and garbage cans to secretly photograph my every move inside my palatial estate. On weekends, I am hounded by the press during my excursions to hip and happening places like the pharmacy or 70's Night at the local roller derby. The other day, Access Hollywood ran a segment claiming that I attended Jay-Z and Beyoncé's party at Arby's, spending my time between bites of a scrumptous Beef n' Cheddar canoodling with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and an artist's rendering of "1996 Skip & Zip" Sunny. I have been featured unfavourably in tabloids many times, binge-drinking can after can of RAW Energy under an overpass with my pants at my thighs (and at my ankles when I'm feeling rowdy). Alas, this is the life of an professional wrestling writer slash fetching, part-time waiter slash Flag Day parade float. If the people want the nitty-gritty details about my existence, they will have to get nitty and gritty with me.
Today, Justin Shapiro is a brave man. He has chosen to dig deep into my world. Best of luck to him. May his journey across the lands of sexy fires lead him to my dungeon of danger and wisdom.
*****
The Interviewerved: Justin Shapiro and I
Stephen Rivera: Statistics -Former writer for The Armpit -Current owner/writer for The Swerved -Compares himself to a kiss from a rose on the grey -Finishing Move: The Gated Community (A vertical suplex into a crowd of judgemental eyes.)
J: I've kowtowed to your grilling long enough, Mr. Rivera, and now it's time for me to get some answers. The truth comes out.
#1: Turnabout being fair play, please identify YOUR OWN personal preferred moment in the history of Sunday Night Heat.
S: I cannot recall the exact date, but around the month of March in the year 2004, Velocity's own Josh Matthews and Josh Matthews' own Rue de Bona rode into the lovely night on a horse carriage of eternal happiness. That evening, Sunday Night Heat became more than just a wrestling show. At that moment, truth became beauty, and beauty truth. The on- and off-air courtship brought a joyous tear to mine eye. It would have brought a tear to both eyes, but I designate the other eye for mournful tears only. May the tale of MatthRue be forever instilled in the annals of Heat lore. May they live harmoniously in their heart-shaped castle, complete with guest room set aside for Steve Romero when he's feeling blue.
#2: Now that we've casted A Wrestler Development, let's apply the question in reverse. Are there any directional aspects or storylines from AD that the TV savvy WWE writing staff ought to consider plucking besides each show running their own version of an angle about the retarded? Would there be a benefit to Raw adopting the conceit of ending each show airing clips "On The Next ... Monday Night Raw" that they have no intention of taking place, such as, perhaps, advertised matches or payoffs to angles?
S: Is Burger King a wonderful restaurant? It sure is!
If WWE could somehow integrate a third-person omniscient narrator into their programming, quite possibly they would never have to show replays ever again. World Wrestling Entertainment's anti-drug is to show thirty replays of an incident that aired no more than ten seconds ago. If it was up to me, I would stop such actions immediately. Of course, they may utilize Ron Howard as narrator (if they wish), but I suggest the master of wordplay himself Ernest "The Cat" Miller. Is he going to whip somebody? Is he going to call his mother? Is he going to whip somebody and call his mother? A complex man makes a complex show.
If they end each show with "On the Next... Monday Night Raw", the segments would be nothing but presentations of rematches of bouts that already took place the week before, or a tag match involving members of rematches that have already taken place. To ask anything more from WWE is to set yourself up for grave disappointment.
#3: JBL's limo. Simon Dean's segway. Kerwin White's golf cart. The Greasers' cadillac. The Mexicools' lawnmowers. Eddie Guerrero's lowrider before Big Show blew it up. A new WWE video game for the X-Box 360 Degrees: Santino Kart. Who you playing as and why? (You may create-a-wrestler a different vehicle as well.)
S: There are several wonderful choices to be found in Santino Kart. Some of them include:
-Umaga's Samoan Bulldozer -Armando Alejandro Estrada's Carmando Carlejandro Carstrada -The Great Khali Piggybacking on Daivari -Marcus Cor Von's Marcus Car Van (The Alpha Male digs the hybrids.) -Batista's Choo-Choo Train of Good Tidings and Humility
I am told that Batista's Choo-Choo Train is endorsed by Triple H's Pert Plus Express for Silky and Manageable Hair. To pick Batista's vehicle is to choose the victor of every race, even though the vehicle does not deserve it.
#4: Continuing the two-way street, do you have any pitches of your own for WWE Films, besides "pack it in"?
S: Here are some of my ideas:
Skittle-Man Genre: Live-Action-Adventure
A mild-mannered wrestling announcer from Oklahoma (Jim Ross) tastes a radioactive rainbow and falls ill. Overnight, he gains the immense powers found within the fruity and delicious Skittles candy. As he learns to control his new abilities, an evil scientist (Todd Grisham) tries to take over the world by building an evil robot made entirely out of the dreaded brown M & M's.
Rated PG-13 for mild violence, some coarse language, and explicit scenes of snack consumption.
Key-Lock Genre: Animated Comedy-Romance
Masters, a down-on-his-luck deadbolt [Chris Masters (voice)], falls in love with Ashkey [Ashley Massaro (voice)], a key trapped under the evil Door Matt [Matt Hardy (voice)]. Convinced he has found his soulmate, he gains the assistance of his feisty friends Lever [Jonathan Coachman (voice)] and Frenchy the Door [René Dupree (voice)] to help take on his foe. Can Masters get to Ashkey in time before she suffocates under the clutches of a large outdoor piece of carpet? Can Ashkey find the combination to his Masters' heart
Rated PG for some adult themes, mild language, and awkward depictions of wrestling by Ashley Massaro.
#5: Which two wrestlers do you think would be good choices to repackage and pair up as opponents for Shad and JTG, in the form of Whyte Collar Cryme Tyme?
S: My Whyte Collar Cryme Tyme Proposal:
William Regal = Willennium Reges
Attire: One pant leg rolled up, one pant leg rolled down; one shirtsleeve rolled up one shirtsleeve rolled down; his entire outfit is chrome. He will wear one shoe on one foot, but the other shoe will fit over his hand. He will raise his shoeless foot in the air and hop around to enhance his Gangsta Mystique.
Dave Taylor = Tay-Tay
Attire: Red singlet replaced by stolen tea cozies, woven together into a jumpsuit.
Together, they will travel around the world, teaching elderly African Americans how to wear wool jackets, smoke pipes, and say, "Quite" after humourous anecdotes at various box socials.
#6: You've got the last pick in the Draft Lottery. Only guys left are the writing-staff-geeks-doubling-as-onscreen-talent. Would you select Dave "Arab Bischoff" Kapoor or Christopher "Big Dick Johnson" DeJosephs?
S: I would pick BDJ, but I base my choice primarily on the favourable pound-to-profit ratio, which is one pound to -5 million dollars.
#7: Evolution is a mystery. Define, explain it.
S: ev¡¤o¡¤lu¡¤tion (¨§v'ə-l¨¨'shən, ¨¥'və-) n.: The act or condition of an evolut.
ev¡¤o¡¤lut (ĕv'ə-lŭt, ¨¥'və-) n.: An individual or group with a specific preference to face 3-man combinations of Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Edge, Shawn Michaels, and Shelton Benjamin in 6-man tag matches until the end of time.
#8: Let's pretend you're Mr. Money Bank. How would you "pimp out" your briefcase, as it were? Your initials, yin-yang symbol, or other?
S: Pretend I'm Mr. Money Bank? Why fake reality?
If I could "pimp out" my briefcase, I would put a terrarium on there, due to my love of lizards and turtles on rocks. As a tribute to John Cena, the terrarium would be spinning. If there is any more room on the faceplate, I would hire contractors to build a supermarket, which will be encrusted with diamonds and beautiful white gold statues of Rob Van Dam's concussion face.
#9: If Samoa Joe goes to WWE, but is somehow unable to use the name, what moniker(s) do you suggest he adopt?
S: I predict Samoa Joe will sign with World Wrestling Entertainment in the very near future once he stops staring down Kurt Angle and not winning the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. To guarantee his success in WWE, I have set aside some names and gimmicks that will assure him international fame. They are:
-Shoemaga (The Samoan Shoe Salesman) -Phatty Arbuckle (To-Hip-To-Be-Square Silent Film Star) -John Jacob Jiggleheimer Joe (Blue Collar German -- his name is our name too) -Johannesburg Sam (Samoa Joe moves to South Africa. What could possibly go wrong? Well, what could possibly go right? *Insert boing sound effect here*) -Fisticuffs the Well-Nourished Island Boy (Fights opponents on a food pyramid to teach children about the benefits of nutrition.)
#10: The entrance music of Rob Conway's former tag team partner Sylvan Grenier suggested that "The World Is Sylvan." Well, is it?
S: Well, his music doesn't say, "The World May Be Sylvan," or "There Is A Distinct Possiblity That The World Has Sylvanic Properties," so absolutely. The World is Sylvan, Venus is Val Venis, and the planet Mercury has its face continually destroyed by a ladder in orbit.
For many years, I have searched the globe for the Being of Hilarity to no avail. I have trekked through the treacherous jungles of Africa, only to find a bunch of green trees, plus one tiger that was more clever than funny. With frostbitten fingers, hands, feet, legs, torso, face, hair, and clothes, I painstakingly climbed to the top of Mount Everest to discover nothing but thin air and half-eaten dead and frozen people. Decked in scuba gear, I dived into the depths of the Great Barrier Reef, only to view a lobster singing under the sea to other colourful sea creatures. "He is a telented crooner. His musical stylings are not comedic at all. There is a mermaid down here wearing a bra made out of clamshells, but that is more resourceful than funny," I said to myself. Next, I learned how to fly a plane and hovered over the Bermuda Triangle, only to go missing for fifty years. I managed to escape unscathed to continue my quest, but at the same time, I was left confused as to why they would call it the Bermuda Triangle when it is obviously a trapezoid.
Traveling thousands of miles back and forth, to and fro, here and there, from continent to continent has made me weary. I was at a mental loss as to where I could uncover the elusive treasure trove. If it was not in the jungles, nor on the tallest peaks, nor in the deepest oceans, nor within a misinterpreted shape, where could it be?
But, last night, I found my answer. I stumbled upon a temple in Tibet, nestled in the middle of a Wal-Mart and a 7-11. Once inside, I encountered an elderly man, thinking pensively upon a slab of stone. I walked up to him and asked, "Wise old fellow, I have been around this earth many a time, but have yet to find the source of laughter. Is this being a myth? Is my search for nought? Will there ever be an adequate terrain for my this pair of lollerskates on my feet?"
The old man looked down at the ground in the pensive manner, then used his walking stick to pull himself up to a standing position. As he gazed upon the setting sun, he patted me on the shoulder and said, "Young man, the one you are looking for is closer than you think. He is a man of wonder. He is a mysterious enigma of fantastical happiness. He can make us think with his insightful philosophies about life and its surroundings. He makes us weep with his touching stories of triumph and despair. And, sometimes, under the dreary moonlight, he is capable of making the world laugh a joyous laugh, giving mankind hope for yet another day. Do you know this man is?"
"Bobby Lashley?" I asked.
"No, Justin Shapiro," he said before he slapped me upside the head.
Fin.
Welcome to the Interviewerved with Justin Shapiro. I am told he is as funny as Bobby Lashley.
We'll see about that.
*****
The Interviewerved: Justin Shapiro
Justin Shapiro: Statistics - World Famous WWE Heat Admirer/Reporter - WrestlingObserver.com Substitute Teacher for Todd Martin - Drinker of Beverages - Finishing Move: The People's Worm (it’s just how it sounds)
10 Questions
#1: In the brilliant history of WWE Heat, what is your most favourite Heat moment and or match and why?
J: Ah. The eternal question. We should probably consult this utterly astonishing array. Given those supercool choices, I would narrow my list down to the following:
- July 11, 1999: The Rock tells a story about when Billy Gunn prays to God and asks why everyone still thinks he absolutely sucks. - August 6, 2000: Edge & Christian have a dream of double gold; Mick Foley forces Christian to lose weight by wearing Kurt Angle's chicken suit. - October 22, 2000: prior to No Mercy, Kurt Angle conducts an exclusive interview with video clips of the Rock. - March 30, 2003: prior to Wrestlemania 19, John Cena battleraps cardboard cutouts of Jay-Z and Fabolous, tells them that even if they lived in a sperm bank, they couldn't get their comeback. - August 17, 2003: Victoria and Stevie interrupt Al Stone's lunch; Victoria stomps around on the table in fuzzy slippers claiming to be Godzilla; Tommy Dreamer ruins Stevie's hat.
These are my favorite moments, because at no point during Heat's run, either during the long-running squash match phase or its [Vince] Russoriffic (did I just invent a new word???) nature in 1999 as crashier TVier version of Raw, were you ever going to see memorable matches, but in these five instances, you did get some legitimately hilarious and memorable (except in the case of the last one, which was rightfully seen by few and far between) comedy. If I were to pick just one, funniest of all would probably be the Angle/"Rock" "inter"view. Someone upload it to the internet website www.YouTube.com!
#2: In several of your Heat reports featured on the Wrestling Observer website, you expressed your love for the cancelled FOX show Arrested Development. Apparently, you and I are one of five humans on this planet that liked the show's unique style of humour and overall absurdity. If you were to recast Arrested Development with WWE wrestlers and personalities, what would your version of the comedy look like?
J: And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything:
Narrator ... Jim Ross George Bluth Sr. ... Vince McMahon Lucille Bluth ... Linda McMahon Michael Bluth ... Shane McMahon George-Michael Bluth ... Declan McMahon (young), Rey Mysterio (adolescent) GOB Bluth ... Eric Bischoff (but would also audition Simon Dean) Lindsay Funke ... Stephanie McMahon Tobias Funke ... Triple H Maeby Funke ... Aurora Rose Levesque (young), Mickie James (adolescent) Buster Bluth ... Shawn Michaels Barry Zuckerkorn ... Paul Heyman Ann Veal ... Molly Holly Kitty Sanchez ... Kelly Kelly Annyong ... Tajiri Oscar Bluth ... bald doorag Vince McMahon Steve Holt ... Armando Alejandro Estrada Marta ... Vickie Guerrero J. Walter Weatherman ... Zach Gowen Rita ... Maria Maggie Lizer ... Nidia Bob Loblaw ... Randy Orton Carl Weathers ... Booker T John Beard ... Michael Cole Stan Sitwell ... Ted Turner Franklin ... Teddy Long
Many of these jokes are self-explanatory for those who know the characters, but the important addition here is adding the gay subtext between Tobias and Buster.
#3: What disappointed me most about Wrestlemania 23 was their lack of ring carts. They could have celebrated the 20th anniversary of Wrestlemania 3 with the return of said ring carts, but they made wrestlers walk down the aisle instead. What type of vehicle or machine would you employ to bring wrestlers down to the ring for next year's Wrestlemania 24 from Orlando, Florida?
J: Four words: SIX SIDED RING CART.
#4: WWE Films' The Condemned blew box office records away this spring/early summer, attaining a total of five dollars, a bottle cap, and half of a gum wrapper over its entire theatrical run. Let's say you get to formulate the plot for the next WWE blockbuster film. What is it about and what is its tagline?
J: I would do a Secret Wars-like crossover with Jacob Goodnight, John Triton, and Jack Conrad all brought together under unusual circumstances, wherein the two ex-soldiers have to team together to survive the murderous monster. In outer space. Neither are under contract any longer, but I’d also love to reimagine the oft-pitched Big Show/Kurt Angle buddy cop movie, but do it up much grittier and much more street, with adult themes and one of the cops having a severe drug problem. It would be called “Blue & Wight.” Note: Paul Wight’s character is also named Paul Wight. Other note: Kurt Angle’s character’s last name is Blue.
#5: JTG (Jontel Tontavious Gorter) and Shad of Cryme Tyme provide many a giggle for all with their wacky backstage hijinx every week on RAW. Is there any hilarious skit they have not yet done that you would like to see them attempt?
J: Peep this. I have an idea for a skit in which the members of Cryme Tyme interact with non-black, white persons, be they white wrestlers, regular white people, or, to dream a dream, ELDERLY white people. Cryme Tyme would be being all black, natch, but allow me to blow your mind by taking this to the next level. The other participants, who are so white, would in turn talk back to Cryme Tyme the way that black people do, tossing out hilarious expressions like “homey,” “for shizzle,” “holla,” and “peep this.” Cryme Tyme would be like “what da f***!” and “hell naw!” Finally, Mae Young would sing a popular current hip-hop number like “It’s Getting Hot In Here” and Faarooq would say damn. Funny, funny? Yeah yeah.
#6: The Great Khali is many things. In fact, he has so many talents, I am having great difficulty naming them at the moment. In your opinion, how "great" is The Great Khali?
J: The Great Khali is as great as "Awesome" Mike Awesome is awesome and as Larry Zbyszko is legendarily living, when he dies.
#7: Triple H is still months away from returning to World Wrestling Entertainment, but how do you see him returning? In my opinion, he shall return in his barbarian costume, complete with throne and bottle of water. Barbarians are quite parched in a North American climate.
J: The throne should also be on a ring cart. An eight-sided ring cart with a cage around it.
They should move Batista to Raw in the draft, reunite Evolution, and set up the heel factory for Cena to run through for the rest of the year. Keep in mind, though, that this is going to be booked by writers who weren’t watching wrestling back in Evolution’s heyday in 2004, so they might not have a grasp on the true spirit of Evolution.
For 2008, then, my big plan is to break them up and put back together the famous tag team Rated RKO to feud with HHH and Batista. Keep in mind, though, that this is going to be booked by writers who weren’t watching wrestling back in RRKO’s heyday in 2006, so they might not have a grasp on the true spirit of Rated RKO.
#8: Let's pretend you're Mr. Money Bank, but insteadof holding a guaranteed title shot valid at any time until Wrestlemania 24, you can request anything you wish with the exchange of your briefcase. What is your request?
J: Well, I would ask for more such briefcases. SUCKERS.
Then I would ask for some banana pudding.
And then I would plan.
#9: If Rob Van Dam goes to TNA, but is somehow unable to use the name, what moniker(s) do you suggest he adopt?
J: I am far from the first person to suggest "Harvey Dee," but there’s no topping that one. Failing that, I would proffer: Rob Von Darn, Robby Bonilla, or Mr. Whatever Night Impact Is On.
#10: Sadly, "The Con-Man" Rob Conway was recently released by World Wrestling Entertainment. His entrance theme encouraged people to look at him. Well, did you?
J: Obviously I did. The whole damn world wanted to look like him. (But they don’t.) I am not sure, however that Rob’s release isn’t all part of some elaborate con. Maybe Conway, like Pillman, worked the company into giving him his release, making him a free agent and allowing him to jump to … well, nowhere. That’s okay; he’s not about the score, he’s about the con. Just look at him.
TO BE CONTINUED (?)(!)(@)(^_^)
*****
This WWEek in Justin Shapiros of the WWEek:
Q: Did you know that Justin Shapiro, the human being, is a card-carrying member of The Playa's Club featuring Coach?
A: You mean I'm not a member? I guess I'm part of The Sad Club... featuring me.
