The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 12th

The Outsiders vs. Deuce and Domino w/ Cherry
When Domino acts like Clay, it's gold, (OH!)
He resembles Sean O'Haire, I'm told. (OH!)
Cherry has an unbloomed flower,
Deuce protects it greatly, from hour to hour.
Soon WWE will break up the team,
And I will let out a sorrowful scream
Let the Greasers have their day,
For nothing greasy can stay.

Hey, you lookin' at his chick, Ponyboy?
Don't be lookin' at his chick.

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

It's a grab bag of fun. I'm going to need my grabbing suit.

AND

If Umaga was not employed by WWE, I bet he'd work at TGI Friday's. Savages love it when every day is Friday.

Eckstreem Champeeanchip Ressling: Part 2

Currently, World Wrestling Entertainment's Extreme Championship Wrestling is the third brand of three, providing exciting action consisting of a guy getting hit in the face with a fist, then another guy being gently placed on his back onto a mat. The marquee says, "Extreme", and the brand delivers. In fact, it is so extreme, it's as if it's not extreme at all.

The wrestlers of ECW have provided some amazing displays of athleticism throughout the show's history, but they have also created some fascinating moments via storylines, interviews, and segments. It feels like it was just yesterday that Paul Heyman's Personal Security entertained us all by struggling to keep their riot helmets and gear on their persons during physical altercations. It brings a tear to my eye that something that good was being offered to the wrestling public for free.

Are ECW and its performers the greatest things since sliced bread? Would you trust ECW to take care of your children if you ever tragically passed away in a motorboating accident? If ECW was a living and breathing female, would you find her attractive enough to enthusiastically engage in intimate relations situated at locations other than a comfy mattress? Professional wrestling wise, are these the weirdest questions you have ever been asked? I'm pretty sure they are, so let's move on with my analysis of the ECW roster before you walk away from the computer, and life, in fright.

Matt Striker
Don't point that pointer at me, Teach. I'm trying to eat sausages here.
Out of all the teachers who have taught me over the years, I have never had a teacher who wore such skimpy wrestling tights as one Matt Striker does. Look Matt Striker, I think you are playing your role of an arrogant intellectual who believes he is above everyone else very well, but whenever I see you in the ring, you appear to have a constant wedgie. Furthermore, it looks like you are consistently aroused. Please stop everything. You are not teaching me anything other than how to violently vomit in disgust in three different ways and directions.

A teacher would never wear what you wear, so why don't you put on something conservative? I'll be sure to cheer you on if you do.

Survey Sez: Striker should be taught a lesson and be forced to compete in an arygle jumpsuit of some kind.

Mike Knox
Hard Knox Life
The ex-boyfriend of Kelly Kelly is not the personification of extreme, but he is fairly impressive, what with his ability to be tall and stay that way, as well as the uniqueness of his voice, which never fails to confuse me. "A guy that size talks like that?" Yes he does.

His storyline with CM Punk, consisting of Knox trying to shield Kelly Kelly from his charm but ultimately letting her do whatever she pleased, hurt his character greatly. If he was actually furious about Kelly's love for Punk, he wouldn't have simply acted mad, wrestled the guy without much emotion, and let Kelly's infatuation grow. Instead, he would have done one of the following:

1) Beat CM Punk up until his lower body could not function anymore. The outie becomes an innie, if you know I'm saying.
2) Lock a chastity belt on to Kelly Kelly.
3) Settle it like men in the American Gladiators Arena.

Unfortunately, Knox didn't do any of those options. Some say Mike Knox has no charisma, but I say Mike Knox has negative charisma since he doesn't even want to entertain me by moving around the ring in a large metal sphere.

Survey Sez: Bigger guy in the ring is bigger than that smaller guy also in the ring, who is small. That's extreme -- extremely fascinating. Right after this sentence, imagine that I placed a smoking pipe to my mouth and nodded.

Rebecca
Hey, you're on television. Good for you.
When Rebecca DiPietro debuted on ECW on Sci Fi, she seemed to be the amalgamation of a robot and a tree. When she spoke, it was like hearing a Speak n' Spell recite Shakespeare. When she reacted to a wrestler's interview, it was as if time had stopped, resulting in a fixed facial expression of blankness that would last Rebecca for all eternity. I don't know where WWE put her personality, but they must have hid it well. I've looked everywhere. Did they send it to the farm and kill it?

While she is a lovely woman and is improving her on-camera skills by the fortweek, I can count the number of Rebecca's accomplishments on one finger. I'm not sure what the accomplishment actually is, but it's there. Surely, getting photographed without clothes is not one of those accolades, because I can do that too, yet I have never received a plaque or certificate or anything for my outstanding achievement. I guess I have to be a woman and or with Batista to receive such awards. Then again, maybe I'm too fantastic looking to be given lowly symbols of gratitude. Mae Young has never been given anything either. That is a shame.

Survey Sez: Is you is or is you ain't a human?

Rene Dupree
You, Me, and Not Sylvan
The first thing I asked for Christmas was the reformation of La Résistance; the second thing I asked for was world peace; the third thing I asked for was OTC 360 Pain Reliever, also known as the official sponsor of Wrestlemania 23 on April 1, 2007 from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America, North America, The World. I knew I had my priorities straight.

Rene Dupree keeps on leaving and returning to WWE programming without notice. First he had frosted hair and left, then he had shorter hair and a poodle and left, and then he came to ECW with Von Erich Hair and no knee or elbow pads and left. Once more, he's back. I bet he's still claiming he's extreme, but what is his proof? Now, I know what you're thinking, but his lack of knee and elbow pads was and is hazardous rather than extreme, at least according to the National Board of Bicycle Safety.

If Rene and Sylvan can make a name for themselves in Extreme Championship Wrestling by dominating the non-existent tag division, I fully expect them to become the number one contenders for the ECW Tag Team Championships of the Mind in no time. They will hastily win those belts conjured up in dreams and defend them to all comers who are not of this reality. Go, La Résistance, go. Be French or Canadian and prosper.

Survey Sez: Rene Dupree will be as successful in ECW as I am great at French: "Un bon-bon est fatigué avec un gomme dans l'autobus."

Rob Van Dam
[Clever Marijuana Reference Evoking Laughter]
Rob Van Dam has fallen mightily over the past year. From simultaneous WWE and ECW Championship reigns to fighting an Elijah Burke, a vampire, and the rest of the No-Furniture-Assisted-Violence Gang. His Five Star Frog Splash isn't even at four stars like I have suggested in a previous article. In my opinion, it is now three. Additionally, it is not a frog splash, but a tadpole squirm. The Three Star Tadpole Squirm metaphorically represents Van Dam's fledging career in the current WWE.

Although he is still capable of exciting crowds all over world with his innovative moveset, where does he go from here if he will never be given a second chance to main event? The answer is not TNA because they will simply make him change his name to Roblph Lundgren, then subsequently lose him in the shuffle of their 200-man roster. I do not believe the answer is Japan or the independent organizations either as they too look down upon shirtless men speeding in their cars.

What would I do if I were Rob Van Dam? I'd go out there each and every night and wow the crowd, no matter where I am on the card. I'd prove to Vince McMahon and Company that I can be trusted once more to lead WWE to a whole new and greater level of popularity. I'd proclaim, "I am a man, Vince. I am Rob Van Dam. Accept my recreational drug use and posterior sweat like a good business man should."

Survey Sez: "Whatever, dude. Whatever."

Sabu
Your pants are bright, but your future is not.
Ever since their speeding/drug violations in the summer of 2006, Rob Van Dam and Sabu have been stuck in a perpetual cycle of losing nine matches, winning one match, then losing nine more matches to ECW's New Breed. Furthermore, the homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, jazz recital, death-defying Sabu was disallowed from participating in the Extreme Elimination Chamber match at ECW's December to Dismemeber. With Sabu's depush, it looks as though he will continue to struggle in WWE, not only emotionally, but physically as well.

Sabu is hurting. I notice his physical ailments whenever he walks down to the ring, executes a move, or breathes. Why do my eyes catch these visions? Well, the manner in which Sabu walks is how I walk when I'm wading in a big pool of molasses.

Someday, I hope he will be given another chance to be the Sabu we all know and love, and not the individual who was not extreme enough to defeat John Cena.

Survey Sez: If you were to fan Sabu with a piece of paper, his bones would collapse inside of his body.

Sandman
He's a Sandman, not a Sandmaid.
If you saw the Royal Rumble in the year 2007, you saw The Sandman enter the match, cane a bunch of guys, then exit the match in about ten seconds.

Just because Sandman carries a cane around everywhere he goes does not mean he knows nothing but hitting guys in the face with it. I'd imagine he'd have multiple uses for the Singapore cane. For instance, I bet Sandman utilizes the cane as a backscratcher, or as a substitute channel changer when he doesn't feel like getting off of the couch to find his misplaced remote. I would say his cane somehow brings war-torn countries closer together too, but I don't have enough proof for that claim.

Survey Sez: Somewhere along the way, we got lost on the road to Never-Neverland.

Shannon Moore
Promised to bring sexy back, but where is it?
When Shannon Moore showed up in TNA with his new hairdo, I thought he was going to have a Sonic the Hedgehog gimmick. I imagined him executing his finishing move, then yelling "SEGAAAAA!" in celebration. Although he was getting decent television exposure, even managing to defeat AJ Styles on an episode of Impact, he returned to WWE for one purpose and one purpose only -- I suppose he really likes to not win.

They made vignettes of Shannon Moore moping in a subway car, detached from the rest of society. He was dubbed "The Reject", a name which conjured up feelings of despair and loneliness. Soon enough, Shannon Moore debuted in his first match, which resulted in a losing effort. In fact, he'd lose a lot soon after. He'd lose once, lose twice, and lose three times before surprisingly us all by losing a fourth and fifth time.

Shannon Moore is practically dead in ECW. Is there hope for this mohawked man? Most likely not. Let's all yearn for the days of 3 Count. Everybody 3 Count. One. Two. Three.

Survey Sez: WWE is using Moore for less. At least he's getting paid... I think.

Snitsky
It's probably his fault now.
Snitsky's emergence in WWE was a peculiar one. All of the sudden, he showed up in a match with Kane that inadvertently lead to the miscarriage of Kane and Lita's baby. Next, he'd go on to reveal to the viewing audience his admiration for feet and inevitably creep the entire globe out with his perverted shenigans and cratered back.

Today, he's the new monster of Extreme Champinship Wrestling. When he shaved off all of his hair (on his head and on his face), he got a push. When I shave off all of my hair, I am rejected by the human race. Well, sorry if I want my entire body to be as smooth as a newborn babe so I can somehow weasel my way into the Summer Olympics and win gold in synchronized swimming. I have my dreams. Let me have my dreams.

Survey Sez: Come on, Maven! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Stevie Richards
Where in the world is Stevie Richards?
He'll show us, we'll see. We're still seeing and he's still not showing us.

Survey Sez: Where is Victoria when you need her, and when she needs you?

Sylvan Grenier
Batista put a flagpole up his butt. That is so straight.
The plight of Sylvan is a harrowing one. WWE constantly tries to make him hated by the wrestling fans, but they simply act indifferent towards him. For one, WWE's faults start at Sylvan's previous gimmick of a wrestling male model. As Rick Martel proved many years ago, not all models are bad. Secondly, the public knew how much work goes into being the Ambassador of Quebec, so they only moderately jeered him when he was appointed as one.

Thankfully, Sylvan is back with Rene Dupree as La Résistance. Remember that time when they slammed Spike Dudley through a table on the outside of the ring, but only the back of Spike's head made contact with the table? That is extreme, making them extreme before WWE's ECW even existed. They are going to be huge.

Survey Sez: If you know what's good for you, Rob Conway, you will join them in their Frenchness.

Tazz
Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa
Even though I find some of Tazz's sayings repetitive, I still get a kick out of his commentary. While there are those who want him back with Michael Cole, I don't think their reunion would be a mise move. You see, nobody wants nothing to do with Michael Cole. The other day, I lent Michael Cole five dollars, then I gave him another five dollars to keep the previous five dollars so I wouldn't have to see him again.

Surely, there are moments on ECW on Sci Fi in which I question the purpose of Tazz and Joey Styles. If they can't intricately describe moves, what are they there for? If Brock Lesnar isn't a part of the brand, why is Tazz there if he can't say, "Here comes the pain!" every time he walks down the aisle? While they do manage to inform the fans about the wrestlers' personalities and gimmicks in detail, they can do that anytime. Therefore, why do they have to spend most of the match talking about bite clubs and "the sick power" of wrestlers? I don't have an answer, but maybe Brad Armstong did. It's too bad he vanished into the atmosphere.

Survey Sez: Not for nothing, wrestling fans, but he is a rocketbuster of a commentator.

Terry Funk
Funk is still conquering the Temple of Crunk
Other than his appearance at last year's One Night Stand, in which he gave a great performance convincing almost everyone that he had lost an eye when he really did not, Terry hasn't seen much television time. Though he is quite old and a twenty-time retiree, I would not mind seeing Terry Funk return in some capacity. If WWE was smart, they'd use Terry to improve the in-ring and out-ring skills of ECW's younger wrestlers. Instead, I guess Snitsky will poke his other eye out when ECW is in Amarillo.

Survey Sez: Middle aged and crazy, like a mentally unstable bottle of wine.

Test
Downgraded to Quiz
Test has been taken off the road for violating the Wellness Program. I would like to thank him for reminding me that WWE still has a Wellness Program.

I take a look at a guy like Lashley, or a guy like Batista, and think to myself, "Is it actually possible for an individual to gain that much muscle mass through natural means?" I assume the politically correct answer is yes, but I don't know. If they don't use steroids, it might be possible that they use another performance and appearance enhancing drug, like Flinstones chewables, to attain their physique. Man, those are tasty, yet I am still skeptical.

When Test returns, I fully expect him to lose to Bobby Lashley. Next, he will lose to Bobby Lashley. Finally, he will lose to Bobby Lashley.

Survey Sez: He will lose to Bobby Lashley.

Tommy Dreamer
Instigator of Silence
Tommy Dreamer is another ECW Original who never wins. He's put into matches with people like The Great Khali and WWE expects him to make the bout interesting. I'm sorry World Wrestling Entertainment, but Tommy Dreamer cannot extract gold from cement.

When Dreamer enters the ring, the WWE fans refuse to give him a decent reaction. Honestly, I was never a big fan of Thomas, but I respected him as a hard worker. If they would let him do one impressive at least one time (The Tommyhawk), the fans would care. Instead, Dreamer takes a page from the book of never-before-seen moves, using the elusive DDT to incapacitate his adversaries. If they don't want Tommy to be cheered, he might as well tickle his opponents into submission. Wait, I would pay to see that move. Scratch that from the record.

Survey Sez: At least you have Beulah.

Trinity
Caution: I guess her bosom is a crime scene, so don't walk past the yellow tape.
So, what happened on the crime scene? I hate to break it you, but it was a quadruple homicide. Homicide on a woman's breasts is the third best kind of homicide.

Survey Sez: What kind of madman would commit a crime on her rocky mountains but not in her hidden valley?

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 11th

Finlay vs. The Boogie Man: Disco Inferno

Irish Temper
Irish Temper
Irish Temper
Yes Yes Yes Yes

Irish Temper
Irish Temper
Irish Temper
Yes Yes Yes Yes

He's so Irish,
Shillelaghs are cool,
He's gonna hit that Disco Dancing Fool

When brings out his Little Friend,
the Girls are Screaming, "I hope he shows his Lucky Charms again."

Irish Fever
Irish Fever
Irish Fever
Yes Yes Yes Yes

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Continuation of Myself on Wrestlers on ECW on Sci Fi on Television

AND

In TNA, Jeremy Borash's attire suggests he is in an infinite state of wanting to go clubbing.

Eckstreem Champeeanchip Ressling: Part 1

E is for Extreme
C is for Championship
W is for Wrestling

In its true form, Extreme Championship Wrestling was the brainchild of skullet owner Paul Heyman. He took the remnants of the independents and discards from the major leagues and turned them into superstars. He took a guy like Mikey Whipwreck and made the fans care about a small grappler who lost a lot while wearing a shirt with a dragon on it. He took a guy like New Jack and made the entire world scared of him, his forks, his pizza cutters, his guitars, and his overall New Jackianness. While many ECW wrestlers were not fit for the big leagues, they became significant in the wrestling world because they were portrayed as such.

In its current form, Extreme Championship Wrestling is the brainchild of full-head-of-hair owner Vince McMahon. He took the remnants of Smackdown and the discards of RAW and turned them into ECW superstars. He took a guy like Bobby Lashley and put the ECW World Title on him because he thinks he's keen. He took a guy like Bobby Lashley and made him the centerpiece of the brand, fending off the ECW elite of Hardcore Holly, Test, Hardcore Holly, Test, and Hardcore Holly. While many of the current ECW wrestlers are not fit for the big leagues, they have become insignificant in the wrestling world because they are portrayed as such.

Is ECW a failed experiment? Is ECW a lost cause? The sum of the parts make up the whole, so let's review the competitors who make up the wonderful third brand of ECW, shall we?

Ariel
I've got something you can bite on -- fun size candy bars I couldn't finish from Halloween. Look at all these dark chocolates I have. Can you take them?

Tazz says that Ariel is a "freaky bat chick". I know she frequently hangs upside down from the top rope during Kevin Thorn's entrance, but I don't know if her tendency to do so is enough to constitute her coveted title of Unorthodox Flying Mammal Human. You see, I used to hang upside down on outdoor jungle gyms all of the time. Nobody ever called me a Freaky Bat Chick, but that's probably because I was wearing a pixie costume.

Survey Sez: buxom vampiress who also tells the future = bloodthirsty psychics are out of work

Balls Mahoney
In real life, would any family name their kid Balls? How about the Sac Family?

In my opinion, Balls always had the most fascinating steel chairs because words where spray-painted on them. If I had caught ECW on television at about five years old, his chairs would have most likely invigorated my interest in reading. I've never read War and Peace, but put that novel in chair form, with each word written on a different chair, and I might be inclined to take a look.

Balls has done nothing particularly memorable in today's ECW, except he did play the role of the dealer during the Extreme Strip Poker/High Card segment. That has to be good enough for someone.

Survey Sez: Current Balls Mahoney -> Balls Baloney

Bobby Lashley
Hard hitting, soft spoken, medium rare.

Lashley has recently become 0.001% more entertaining due to the fact that there's now a picture of himself doing the "Lashley Pose" on the back of his tights. For those of you who have clammored to see what his pose would look like 1/10 to 1/20 to scale, coloured in white, and featured on a grown man's gludious maximus, this must be quite the wondrous day for you.

Some compare Bobby Lashley to Brock Lesnar. He has Lesnar's ring entrance, and utilizes some of his moves, such as shoulder thrusts in the corner, but there's something about Lashley that doesn't appeal to me. Well, he's muscular and has impressive strength, but so does every other guy in the company. That's why they wrestle other wrestlers and not feathers -- they can lift them up and drop them down with ease, unlike us regular folk. So, what is it that's so off-putting about him? Is it his voice? Is it his ambigious gimmick? Is it his entrance music? Whatever the case may be, he's Bryant Gumbling it up in ECW.

Survey Sez: Vince says he is good, therefore Lashley is good.

Brooke
You had me at hello, Girl With No Last Name Nor Distinguishable Physical Traits Nor Evident Personality.

If your thingy gets excited each time you see the Extreme Exposé, more power to you. "There's the butt", I enthusiastically say to myself as I watch ECW. "And there's those large milk things," I add because I think using real terminology for the female anatomy is wrong. If World Wrestling Entertainment needs anything, it needs three girls who dance for no reason other than the fact that they just gotta. You may laugh now, but what would you say if scientists found out that unnecessary, choreographed, sexually charged ring dancing cures numerous world diseases? Probably nothing.

Survey Sez: Get a last name and you will stand out. How about Hogan?

CM Punk
Punk me once, shame on me. Punk me twice, shame on me again. Punk me three times, why are you punking me so much? I thought we were confidants.

CM Punk is straight-edge, which means he does not do drugs, he does not drink, he does not have promiscious relations, he does not eat Little Debbie products on weekdays, and he does not watch American Idol until the Final 10 contestants are determined. This guy has guts. If WWE makes him a world champion, they would be doing the world a great good.

Although, the Anaconda Vice must mean he has one weakness: befriending/eating/raising/fighting/teaching anacondas. What a horrendous role model.

Survey Sez: His name is CM Punk and he is feuding with Snitsky.

Elijah Burke
Knockout-Tapout Combination

The first time I saw Burke on WWE programming, I thought I was witnessing the return of Ron Killings. I had previously left the room to construct a food product for digestion when I caught a blurry glimpse of a figure from several meters away. I was excited to see K-Kwik again, so I started to rap and dance my way to the television. It was not until I positioned my eyes one inch from the television screen that I realized my mistake. Elijah Burke is a promising young superstar and all, but I rapped and danced for nothing. Plus, he was supposed to be in the Spirit Squad but turned the spot down. I dislike him doubly.

Also, he talks a lot about The Elijah Experience, which confuses me greatly. The Elijah Experience sounds like some kind of astrological laser light show featuring music by Elton John and Pat Benatar. What does that mean? That means it's awesome, but we'll see.

Survey Sez: WWE says Terkay is only palatable at Thanksgiving, and sometimes Christmas.

Hardcore Holly
How do I like him now?

Bob Holly may be a grizzly and or respected veteran, but his persona leaves a lot to be desired. When he sliced his back on a table in the middle of his surprisingly impressive match with RVD several eons ago, I thought it would result in a new path for his angry character. Maybe Holly would seek to avenge his injury by stalking Rob around the arena and trying to put him through tables at every turn. Maybe Holly would adopt a sadistic mean streak in which he'd try to maim all of his opponents, no matter if they did or did not want to hurt him. Then, what did we get? Holly's just mad. He's extremely mad.

That's all fine and dandy in WWE Land, but in Stephen Town, those pigs don't fly, sir.

Survey Sez: He needs another cousin to team with to increase his entertainment factor from 3 to 3.4790.

Joey Styles
No My Gods

Joey Styles' memorable promo on his last appearance on RAW showed great conviction and truth. He criticized WWE's insistence that he call a wrestling match The Ignorant Michael Cole Way. He slapped Jerry Lawler and slapped him good. He was the voice of a minimal but opinionative and loyal wrestling fanbase who were sick and tired of sports entertainment and wanted competitive matches and believable angles that would not insult their intelligence.

The result was the following: Joey Styles moved to ECW to compare Big Show's hands to skillets and other household items ("Big Show's left leg is the size of 2 economy sized jars of mayonnaise"). Hey, everybody likes comparing things, but Joey is going too far. Today, I hope he doesn't foolishly compare Bobby Lashley to a tank, because the last wrestler an announcer compared to a tank was actually more like an armoured truck. I think that guy was fired for saying it too.

Survey Sez: Get back into the coin business, Joseph.

Kelly Kelly
Exhibitionist Extra Ordinaire

I felt for Kelly Kelly when Mike Knox dumped her, because my face has been hit with flowers before too. One time, a young lady strived to reject me so much, she threw a bunch of seeds in my general direction. In fact, she threw them so hard, the seeds somehow became embedded in my skull. As in any human body, my person consists of water, so what do you think happened to those seeds? They were planted. Now, roses are growing out of my nose and mouth. Of course, my face has won Most Beautiful Garden two years in a row, but I don't think it's worth it.

A lot of fans tell me that Kelly Kelly is a useless diva since she has no aptitude for acting, nor a basic wrestling background, but I sincerely disagree. Did she not sell Mike Knox's Spinny Whatchamacallit with grace and poise? As the second cog of three in the Extreme Exposé, does she not sensually dance to the fans' delight? When she's sitting on the top turnbuckle about to dance, aren't you convinced that she's not sure what dance move she should do next, so she looks to Layla and Brooke for guidance, but finds none, so she just continues to sit there? Well, that's what she wants you to think. Oscar to her and none to you, Judgemental Jefferson.

Survey Sez: I knew a girl once who had a similar personality to Kelly Kelly. Every time I spoke to her, a tumbleweed rolled down the street and off of a cliff.

Kevin Thorn
First rule of Bite Club: You do not bark about Bite Club.

I've never met a vampire named Kevin, but I have met a werewolf called Archibald (I won't get into this anecdote further for it is too long and meandering). Though, what I will say is that out of all the wrestling vampires, Kevin Thorn is the most impressive. Certainly, Gangrel had the better entrance, yet when it comes down to it, Thorn is the more accurate wrestling vampire.

Plus, Gangrel had blood in a cup which he spit out. Is he mad? If I were a vampire, I would drink that. Also, I would not wear a Jerry Seinfeld Puffy Shirt to the ring. Poor decision, Gangrel. Very poor.

Survey Sez: I like vampires named Glen more.

Layla
Eager Deever

The 2006 Diva Search winner completes the Extreme Exposé trifecta. When she first appeared on television, I recall how many people were calling her "Girl Carlito". As for me, I do not see any resemblance other than their similar hairdos, but maybe they should have put them together. Their gimmick could have been that they were both cool and they were aware of things that were cool, but their hair could soak up stubborn kitchen spills as well. Every homemaker in North America would be into it. This gimmick is a license to print pennies.

Survey Sez: Being a good dancer in the ring is like being the best hunter of wild game on the moon.

Little Guido Maritato
No deal, Nunzio.

Oddly enough, Little Guido was entertaining as Jamie Noble's cousin Nunzio when he came into WWE. Of course, it was one of the most peculiar pairings I had ever seen in wrestling, but it worked. Then, it all went downhill when Jamie Noble and Nidia became rich. Nunzio was left in the dust with a plate full of spaghetti, something Italian, and another stereotypical Italian food. Although he re-emerged on Smackdown as the leader of the Full Blooded Italians, featuring members such as Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli, and Vito, the stable shockingly didn't amount to much.

In ECW, he became a part of a another FBI incarnation with Tony Mamaluke and Trinity, but the group has been given very little television exposure. Sadly, Mamaluke was recently released, so I doubt we'll see the three interact again for a while. What is next for Little Guido? I'm not positive, but there's no doubt in my mind that when push comes to shove, Little Guido will wrestle in matches which consist of him doing one move before getting his posterior handed to him by a larger wrestler. It's as certain as the sunrise.

Survey Sez: Less losing, more kicking people in the face with both feet.

Marcus Cor Von
Down with the Monty Brown.

I hear TNA chants every time Marcus Cor Von steps into an ECW ring. Sure, there are those who ignorantly mantain the chants without understanding what TNA actually is, but at least he is receiving a reaction.

I was almost positive that Brown/Cor Von would be saddled with a football gimmick, as WWE excessively touted his Super Bowl appearances and overall ball-of-foot prowess upon hiring him. I predicted The Pounce would be renamed The Tackle and he would be called "Touch Down" Monty Brown. It's a good thing I wasn't right, because if I was, I would be so confused by Earth's ways that I would most likely move to Mars.

Cor Von has just started in WWE, so hopefully he continues to accumulate wins and show off his charisma to the audience. My only concern is that if WWE believes the Fujiwara armbar is more devastating than The Pounce, do they also believe getting flicked in the ear is death compared to a head-on collision with a car? It's almost all of the time not.

Survey Sez: Monty Brown, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke should form a stable called "The Double Stuff Oreo Line". Mighty Ducks reference, ho!

Ron Simmons is Still Reacting to Things

*****

NEXT WEEK

Rating the ECW roster is like taking candy from a baby who can't really be a baby, but is still called a baby because the parents of the baby wish to keep up the baby's appearances, baby.

AND

To counter Donald Trump dropping bills of different denominations from the ceiling, I will drop gold bars and hopefully injure most of the viewing audience. Happy Valentine's Day.

The Next Member of... The Spirit Squad!

[This week on The Swerved, I look back on an article I posted for The Armpit in May of 2006. When I first heard about WWE introducing a stable of five male cheerleaders on RAW, I didn't immediately shoot down the idea because stranger things have worked well in this world before, such as The Nitro Girls or Deep Fried Macaroni Salad. As in real life, I'm not so quick to outright attack or praise a concept; I base my opinion upon exposure to it.

When The Spirit Squad debuted, it was a little underwhelming. The gimmick was what I expected, but they were just obnoxious, enthusiastic guys with pom-poms and not much else, so they didn't stand out to me. Their first matches weren't great either as their movesets were basic and didn't exactly fit their characters. Eventually, when they started showcasing athletic double- and triple-team maneuvres, and performed their own distinctive dances in pre- and post-match celebrations (Mitch scooted across the ring on his buttocks, Mikey did the Vogue Dance, Johnny did a Michael Jackson impersonation, Nicky did something I don't recall, and Kenny adjusted his headband), I felt goosebumps. Once I saw such visions, I remember thinking to myself, "This could work."

The following article was actually one of my more popular articles for The Armpit. At the time, I didn't think it'd get a response of any kind, but it did. It's a personal favourite of mine, along with the DX article that was arguably my most popular piece. I'll get to future special editions later, but for now, let's take a look at my past bid to become... ]

The Next Member of... The Spirit Squad!

KENNY! (Headband!)
JOHNNY! (Spinning Kick Thing!)
MITCH! (Backwards Dance and Megaphone!)
NICKY! (Girlish Scream by Kerwin White's Caddy!)
MIKEY! (Hells yeah Mikey!)
STEPHENY! (?!)

[I've never been called Stepheny in my life. Although, it does sound a lot like Stephanie, which was the name I went by in my previous existence as an Old Timey English prostitute. In the life before that, I was a Egyptian Cat named Hook With the Thing, Half of a Moon, Stick Whatever That Looks Like a Pipe, and a Bird Looking to the Left. I think that spells CARL.*

*Egyptian name determined by loose understanding of hieroglyphics]

When the Spirit Squad first debuted in all their green and white glory, many fans were skeptical of the stable. They asked with furrowed brows, "Male cheerleaders? Are you serious?" It seemed that every man, woman, and child were ready to wish the five young men the best in their future endeavors, yet they have managed to take their rightful place as an integral part of RAW. Initially, people thought their schtick was downright inane, ridiculous, and preposterous... except one individual.

Me.

The moment I saw them on screen, I smiled and giggled like a little schoolgirl who was little and a girl and at school. They had a unique and refreshing gimmick rarely seen in professional wrestling. Sure, casual fans love the group Crew Cut in Tights, but I feel they're overrated (Crew Cut in Tights is a stable in my mind made up of almost the entire wrestling industry. Who's a member? Look at the name again and you'll know, buddy friend bud friend). Additionally, they had music that was different than "Hard Guitars with Screams" by Killseeth Stainvayne Taprutabaga. Overall, some people think the male cheerleader gimmick is effeminate in a homosexual way, but tell me something -- what do real-life, male cheerleaders constantly touch? Attractive cheerleader ass. Someone has to hold those lovely ladies up for peppy flips, twists, and aerial orgies. The Spirit Squad does just that, except there are no females in the group. They spend a lot of time closely with one another, but I don't hold that against them. They probably shower together too, but other than that, I'm loving it.

[The previous paragraph contains some of my pet peeves in wrestling today. I know mentioning the mock title "Hard Guitar with Screams" is unfair to the genre of hard rock and heavy metal music, as good things can come from any outlet, but WWE uses this type of song for their events to the point of overkill. In fact, I was relieved when WWE chose Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" as the official theme song for Wrestlemania 22; whether you liked the song or not, at least it was different. This year, they're using "Ladies and Gentleman" by Saliva for Wrestlemania 23. Sure, it fits the PPV, but I've heard it before.]

Of course, I want to be a member of the Spirit Squad. I have the talent, the moves, and my body's ability to "bring it on" (Bring-It-Oninity) is abnormally high. Five wrestlers in a group is a little much, but I'm not afraid to give it a shot and strain it to six. Like the saying goes, "Five is too much, but six is too cool for fools in pools." I stand by that quote by President Todd Grisham, and I am willing to do my best to make it on the squad. Here are my credentials:

1) Dancing

Some people call me the Modern Fred Astaire. On the flipside, others call me Stephen, but maybe they're right too. To tell you the truth, I don't think I'm a great dancer, but whenever I hear the Spirit Squad theme, I become a dance machine. I've been known to whip out such dances as The Sprinkler, The Carlton Banks Dance, and The Vince McMahon Butt Contraction. One time, I did all three dances in a minute and world hunger almost ended. I bet if I added a fourth dance, such as Jim Ross' patented Harlem Shake, I would've been successful.

[It's hard to explain the Harlem Shake in writing but I'll give you a comparison visual -- you know that toy flower with the sunglasses that would dance whenever music was played? Imagine that flower malfunctioning. There's your Harlem Shake. If Jim Ross did the Harlem Shake on WWE programming just once during my lifetime, I would eat my own face with joy.]

The Spirit Squad are hip and exciting dancers. Next time you walk into a club and notice two hundred people dancing with trampolines, you should instantly realize where they got the idea from. I think I'd fit in well with the squad because I've been using a trampoline for most of my life. I sleep, eat, and breathe trampolines. I'd show you how to breathe a trampoline, but I don't think you got "da skillz".

[Their use of the trampoline was great. I have no clue why the trampoline was not featured in a previous wrestling era for it is a glorious contraption. Unfortunately, WWE scrapped the idea of cheerleaders using trampolines. I loved it, so of course they hated it.]

2) Moves

The commentators are promoting the Spirit Squad as annoying, but athletically gifted performers. I don't know about you, but to me that is a milk-chocolate compliment wrapped in a rich, nutty truth filled with honest nougat.

I remember a clique in high school which consisted of stupid jocks with lettermen's jackets. They were great athletes as well, but they would push around nerds and stuff them in lockers, library listening stations, and historical textbooks. I hated them with a passion because I knew for a fact that freshman Spanky Winkerstein wasn't a part of the Industrial Revolution. I believe that's why the Spirit Squad work so well in World Wrestling Entertainment. Fans dislike them because they are obnoxious grapplers and have the potential to portray historical events innaccurately.

I'm not entirely sure if I can perform the moves that the squad can. I can jump pretty high and I can run pretty fast, but I can't pin an oppponent because of it. Also, Kenny will reject me because my leg drop is more of a leg fall, but I don't care about Kenny. Dear Kenny: go make sweet headband-y love to Mickie James and leave me alone, you bastard. I only want to hear Mikey's opinion.

[Some have compared Mikey to the late, great, super heavyweight Crash Holly. If Mikey adopted an Elroy Jetson gimmick, with Nicky dressed in an Astro costume, it would be excellent. It would be so excellent, the war would end.]

Anyway, I was going to call my finishing move the "ESPN National Cheerleading Championships 2006 Splash presented by Cingular", though I thought that wasn't clever enough. Instead, I'm going with something with a kick. I'm changing the maneuvre to the "1080 Degree Fingerpoke Off the Skyscraper, Through the Tunnel, Over the Bridge, Off The Top Rope, Nothing But Net."

Wait, I've just been informed that Kenny doesn't like that either. Well screw you, Kenny. I was not born to please you.

[More and more each day, Kenny looks like Owen Hart. If I can trick myself into thinking that the King of Harts has come back to life in the form of Mr. Dykstra, I will be a much happier person, then quickly delve into doldrums of depression once more when I notice that Kenny is not carrying any of his Slammy Awards.]

3) Cheers

As many of you know, Mitch is the cheerleading leader who starts the cheers, though I can't say he does a good job. Mitch and his crew often screw up lines and dance sequences to the point that I actually feel spirit exit my person. To cheer is to express through boisterous speech and motion what your heart cannot. To cheer is to live a life that death fears. To cheer is to be and I don't think the Spirit Squad truly understands that. Alas, I am here to help. I have more spirit in my pinky than anybody has in their pinky. I'm not a brain surgeon, but I think that's a lot of a spirit.

[This paragraph is so well-written. This paragraph belongs in a book of some kind. With that said, it'll be a picture book, so there will be no room for this paragraph. I apologize to myself. Apology accepted, me.]

Let me provide a few examples of my excellent cheers:

Cheer 1
John Cena has a Chain Gang
Yeah, right, that's more like a Lame Gang
He should be a part of Kool and the Gang
Celebration

Cheer 2
Shawn Michaels is going to lose
The Showstopper is not going to win
The Heartbreak Kid is going to be defeated
HBK will not be victorious in this environment

What do you think? I'm going to be humble here -- I am an immortal genius.

[I don't think singers, rappers or otherwise, or cheerleaders, rappers or otherwise, should force themselves to rhyme. Personally, I don't care if dog rhymes with frog in a song or poem if the rest of the words don't make sense. When I was in elementary school, we wrote a lot of poems. I didn't even try to rhyme. I just let my talent speak for itself...

Here's an excerpt from a poem I wrote in school at 7 years old:

You are big and fat, hippopotamus
If I could name you, your name would be Hippopotamus
Your name is not Joe, your name is Hippopotamus
Hippopotamus Hippopotamus Hippopotamus
The end... isn't that right, hippopotamus?]

4) Attire

One of my twenty favourite colours is green (right behind mauve and that brownish-grey colour in the crayon box nobody ever used because it fit with nothing), so I'm perfect to don the official Spirit Squad Uniform. Furthermore, I heard Vince McMahon loves the colour white. Therefore, I really love it as well, which is double ironic because that's the Spirit Squad's other signature colour. It's so weird that Vince and I have so much in common, right? You see, I admire white so much, I'm going to put the colour in my hair when I get older. Now, I'm not trying to suck up to Vince or anything, but he was on the cover of Muscle & Fitness and you were not.

Actually, how can the magazine be called Muscle & Fitness? I get a title like Field & Stream, but Muscle & Fitness confuses me. See, muscle is an actual physical thing, yet fitness is an act pertaining to being fit. That's like naming a wrestling magazine Turnbuckle & Existentialism. By the way, you can't use that title. That's only reserved for great things... like the Spirit Squad and I. "Is the turnbuckle hitting me, or am I purposely hitting the turnbuckle?" My readers are not awesome enough to answer that.

[People say that I'm a philosophical person. Up until about five years ago, I thought they were trying to tell me that I had an acute form of Mono. It turns out I was wrong.]

I see the squad has recently decided to wear tank tops and track pants for aerodynamical purposes. That's all well and good since Johnny can now do that spin kick without the burden of wearing sleeves, but I have a better idea. I'm sure the Spirit Squad will accept me after I tell them that I'll be wrestling/performing as a parade float. I will move around slowly as a large vehicle adorned with several balloons. That act alone should be rewarded with a WWE Championship reign. Six guys holding one title may seem ridiculous, but what happens if a new belt is introduced that is as big as a house? At least we're prepared to carry it.

[If a new title belt in the size of a house is manufactured for WWE or any wrestling company in the future, I would like to see two houses fight over the championship. Volunteers from the neighbourhood would have to work together as a community to strap the title around the victorious house. Get to filming the event, Extreme Makeover: Home, Not Face, Edition.]

5) Food

The Spirit Squad eats food. I eat food. It's meant to be.

Kenny: "Well, I don't eat food."

I hate you, Kenny. Damn you. I will punch you in the gonad. I swear I will.

[At such a young age, Kenny Dykstra is already a frequent visitor of the Mickie James Birthday Suit Arts & Exhibition Centre. Week to week, he's wrestling legends like Ric Flair. Also, he is making more money in a day than I make in a day-and-a-half combined. He's got it all, except one thing -- an old WWF magazine autographed by Barry Horowitz. You know what Horowitz did with the magazine after he signed it? That's right -- he patted it on his back. Take that, you damn Kenny.]

This WWEek in WWE Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that the all five members of the Spirit Squad have the same haircut?

A: Yeah, that's why I boo them.
[Even after DX had their way with the team in every sense of the word, I still think The Spirit Squad was a worthwhile faction. It shouldn't have been just a vehicle to get Kenny Dykstra noticed, but that's Kenny for you. They all had the potential to be something meaningful for WWE fans. Someday, if the other members of the Squad are given another chance, I think they are capable of creating some capitivating wrestling moments. And yes, Mitch has potential too since he can, in fact, scoot across the ring on his buttocks.]

Ron Simmons Reacts to Things

*****

NEXT WEEK

I purchase the entire Spirit Squad Trampoline Collection.

AND

I take a gander at "Fruity, delicious, delicious, fruity, fruity, FRUITY... Skittles!" in 17th century English literature.

More Wrestling with Confessions

We all have thoughts we are unwilling to share. We all have feelings we refuse to emote. Wrestling fans especially have trouble articulating their true wants and needs in life. Why? Do you remember the days when the then-World Wrestling Federation and its superstars took inhuman risks and put themselves completely out in the open, grabbing the attention of millions of television viewers across the globe? You do? Well, do you remember the result of all that risk-taking? Broken necks and bones, career-ending surgeries, and the public formation of a performance expectation so lofty that no wrestler, male or female, could ever meet it, let alone dream to.

When the WWF had no limits, they put it all on the line, and their soul broke into a million shards of nothingness. With best efforts put forth, they had little to show for their troubles but pain and suffering. In the end, the company took a safer route, presenting a more reserved and methodical style of sports entertainment in order to live another day. Wrestling fans all over the world saw the damage that those bouts of recklessness caused, so they too decided to enforce safe-style... in their hearts.

Will wrestling fans ever be able to open up again? Only time and some guy who can read minds can tell, but for the moment, let me express my own feelings about the business. While I am aware of the fact that a single brave wrestling enthusiast does not speak for a million, I bet if I cloned myself 999,999 times over, I could come close to or match that amount. Today, let's start to make a difference. Let's begin to turn Earth into a place where we can live and think freely without the ref giving us till five to break it up. It's only three, ref. Not yet. Now, it's four. That's still not five.

If life was a live event, I'd be in line at the Confession Stand right now buying 2 Hot Dogs of Truth. These are my confessions:

1) When people voted on the next M & M colour, I voted for a Steel Cage Match on WWE.com. Steel Cage Match is not a colour in real life, but it is to me.

2) I could break The Master Lock. The combination is 42-24-33. Remember to begin by turning the knob twice to the left.

3) One time, I mislead a group of mineralogists by showing them the Wrestlemania X-Seven main event between a rock and a stone. After the match, I said, "Now you know which one has the most interesting minerals."

4) This secret must be unsecreted: the act of an old-school wrestler or manager throwing salt in his opponent's eyes is meant to balance out the throwing of pepper in those same opponent's eyes prior to the match.

5) Whenever a wrestler puts another through a table, I try to determine if he actually wanted to put his adversary through a table, or if he just wanted to set the table's centerpiece in an aggressive manner.

6) Due to extensive scientific research, I discovered that a superplex does not hurt the backs of both competitors if the executor of the move thinks happy thoughts beforehand.

7) When I think of Hulkamaniacs, I think of Sulkamaniacs: a group of individuals not in the mood to rip their t-shirts because of the plight of flimsy t-shirt manufacturers everywhere.

8) I assume Edge's motor vehicle is called the R Rated Supercar. Yeah, I said it.

9) Sometimes, I think about playing a drinking game: every time John Cena tries to say something serious, then tries to say something funny, then tries to say something serious once more, then tries to say something funny again, I take a drink. The truth is that I don't want to have alcohol poisoning eleventy times over, so I have some Fun Dip instead.

10) It's not Hell-in-a-Cell if you bring in a fondue pot and crank up some Brooke Hogan tunage. Instead, it would be more like a Partay-in-a-Cell.

11) When I'm watching an entertaining, dramatic match, I drop down to the floor and count pinfalls with the referee. Strangely enough, whenever I'm about to count the three, I'm mysteriously dragged away from the television and out of the room after two.

12) Like Shelton Benjamin, ice cream thinks it's being held down due to the essence of its being. "It's cause I'm neopolitan, isn't it?" Yeah, maybe. Nobody eats the strawberry.

13) In TNA, Raven has formed a Flock-like group called Serotonin. Their stable name made me sad because I thought they should've been called "Hey Pepto Bismol". The leader (Raven) could be nausea, while his underlings would be heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea. I'm not telling you which one would be diarrhea.

14) If multiple German suplexes equalled stamps on a card towards a free donut at a donut shop, do you know how many free donuts Chris Benoit would have had by now? A lot, but how many does he actually have? None. Benoit is not so great after all, is he?

15) I like to spit water like Triple H and position myself under the airborne droplets to recreate the Jennifer Love Hewitt Rain Scene from 1998's I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. "What are you waiting for?!"

16) If a friend and I enter a bad neighbourhood, and my friend gets attacked by thugs, I would help him, but I can't. I have to hold on to the bad neighbourhood tag rope until he tags me into the situation.

17) The gorilla press slam should be called "Elevated Ball Cupping". Don't get it? Don't worry. It'll come to you. Ah, there it is. Gross, isn't it? I know.

18) If I was going to challenge my enemy to a First Blood Match, I would just stick a needle in him when he's not looking and take a pint of his blood for the Red Cross. If my opponent asks what I'm doing, I'd say, "Winning the match." Then, the referee, who would have been hiding behind the desk, would reveal himself to my adversary. Next, the ref would raise my arm in victory as I hand my opponent cookies and juice, except he doesn't get brand name cookies and juice since he lost the match. With this plan, not only would I be victorious, but I would be helping all of humanity as well.

19) Give a man a chair, he swings for a day. Teach a man to chair... show me how that shiznit is done, dude. I never learned how to chair. Is chairing an east coast thing?

20) With psychological help, Super Crazy does not have to be super or crazy anymore. If he works at it, one day he can be Moderately Misunderstood.