Playin' the Feud: Rock Star

I surveyed 100 fur coats:

*****

NEXT WEEK

Fetch me my chesterfield, Tazzwell. Young Snikskington wishes for a slumberous nap thusly.

AND

The Swerved One-Year Anniversary is almost upon us. Get ready for it this late September. Bring flare guns and an extra pair of underwear.

Diva Search & Rescue

Every year since 2004, World Wrestling Entertainment has given its fans the treat of watching a slew of beautiful ladies fight it out for a chance to be oogled at by those same fans for one guaranteed and profitable year. Past winners include Christy Hemme, who received two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollars for feeding her posterior baked goods, but was later let go due to the massive cost required to put her posterior through college. In 2005, Ashley Massaro took the Diva Search Crown and proceeded to injure herself on it several times over. And yes, I do not blame her for crowns are too bejeweled. In the year that was 2006, Layla El took the title and proceeded to hang out with The Miz on Smackdown television, subsequently losing her winnings into thin air due to her association with the man. The Diva Search is a competition that tests wits, agility, and the patience of many. This 2007, RAW will host yet another installment. Will this year's competition be as exciting and enthralling as previous?

We may never see again the likes of Carmella and Christy calling each other derogatory terms such as "not a nice person (at times)" and "summertime procrastinator." Mine eyes will not be met once more with the joyous sight of watching Sgt. Slaughter guide models through a model obstacle course of skip-roping, potato-sacking, and almost-naked-but-not-quite danger in a land of tires. Kristal Marshall wowed the crowd once by pouring blue paint all over her person and painting a picture with her breasts. These are the glory moments, my professional wrestling appreciating chum. Twenty years from now, we will look back with fondness at WWE Diva Searches and wonder what happened to the magic. We will be in our rocking chairs, sipping lemonade under the setting sun. You will ask, "Hey, remember when that girl Summer tried to do a kick in the air and fell on her ass?"

"Yes. Good times. Great memories," I will say while sharing a Werther's Original with my ungrateful, naive, and stupid grandchildren. "You have take it out of the wrapper first, Thurston. Why the hell did they name you Thurston anyway? That's terrible. No, I'm not in the mood to show you how to eat an Oreo. You'll screw up my Oreos. Go play virtual video games or something."

Dear wrestling viewer, do not be annoyed by the WWE Diva Search for there is nothing to be annoyed about. Truly, the 2007 WWE Diva Search could be our saviour in this depressing world. It may even start the next wrestling boom period. Eight women may spark the revolution with their tanned, grating voice glory. Let us meet the force behind the power.


Taryn It Up
Contestant #1
Taryn Terrell
22
Mandelville, LA
"A student and model, Taryn also has extensive training in powerlifting and weight training, and stays fit through rollerblading, kickboxing and drill training with the New Orleans Saints, to name a few ways. Taryn is a master scuba diver, and has done charity work with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation." - WWE.com
From her description, it seems as though Taryn has a lot of energy. In my opinion, energy is a great tool in The Game of Life. Energy can take a person to the highest of highs and the peakiest of peaks.

One time, I finished a delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant with a fancy name. When the check came to my table, I reached into my wallet for my Visa card, only to finger through the empty slits. I sifted through the folds and flaps of my coin purse for loose change and or bills, but was unsuccessful in my attempt to attain legal tender. When the waiter came over to take my money, I gave him energy instead. He looked at his earnings and said, "Thank you forever. This is the greatest tip of all." Taryn will go far in this competition because she has loads of energy. In fact, she has so much energy that she must store most of her energy in her bra. Here, here, sister girl. You have the gift that women desire and several others envy. You have the gold that male prospectors dig all their lives to extract from the rocks. Use it. Don't abuse it. God speed, Miss Terrell.

Prediction: She will be hired for her mind.

*****

Na-o-mi, Na-o-ma, Life Stops Here
Contestant #2
Naomi Kirk
21
Los Angeles, CA
"This Canada native is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and Dallas Mavericks dance team member. A model and TV host, Naomi says her supreme self-confidence is what has gotten her so far at a young age." - WWE.com
I am a distinguished writer. I have won countless awards for my general writing superiority and ability to stick my nose up at others. With that said, Naomi is an adorable basket of shimmering rainbows. Some may say that they just want to take her home and eat her up, but I am not a fan of cannibalism; not even a casual one.

Naomi Kirk has the Maria Kanellis Factor working for her. World Wrestling Entertainment already has a Maria on their roster, but they could use a Naomi. Together, Maria and Naomi could form a new stable called The Babysitter's Club in which they and other WWE Divas gather around in a circle and talk about girly things like monster trucks and double pinfalls. The brunette to blonde ratio seems very low in the company. They will need someone like Naomi who can balance the ratio to a respectable level like 1 brunette for every 2,000,000 blondes. I for one will cheer for Naomi because her hair colour is elusive in the world of World Wrestling Entertainment. And, no, hair colour is not the most ridiculous thing I've celebrated about a person before. Fpr instance, Mickie James has a smoking hot left eyebrow. Oh, to be that girl's right eyebrow.

Prediction: Captainess Kirk--set phasers to superstardom.

*****

I Respect You, Brookerman
Contestant #3
Brooke Gilbertsen
21
San Diego, CA
"A self-proclaimed risk-taker, Brooke loves the spotlight. The native Californian’s interests include modeling, fitness instruction for children, dancing and hopping on her pink Vespa with her toy poodle in tow." WWE.com
Even though she will most definitely be only called Brooke, I believe Gilbertsen is a charismatic wrestling name. From a professional wrestling standpoint, other money-making names include but are not limited to Schneebly, Butts, and Poppelgunderman.

As many viewers will see in the coming weeks, Brooke is a sassy blonde. Sassy blondes are one of a kind in sunny California. Now, if Brook loves the spotlight so much, I have ten spotlights in my bomb shelter that I am not using at the moment. Would she care for a light of spot or two? Lovely Brooke is adept at posing with a half-playful, half-sultry smirk. Additionally, she can playfully and sultryryly smirk with one arm rested above her gorgeous Goldilocks locks. World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite foolish not to snatch her up, whether or not she is voted as the winner of the 2007 Raw Diva Search. If you look at her interests, she is fit for the job more than any other female in the contest. She fitness instructs children, for Vince's Illegitimate Son's sake. From my experiences with kids, all they do is pick their scabs and down Elmer's glue straight from the bottle. Brooke actually teaches them how to curl heavier and heavier bottles of glue before they drink out of them. Also, vote for her or she will continue her scooter rampage. Her poodle does not deserve to be dragged on the cement like that.

Prediction: Babbling Brooke runs through Competition River.

*****

Looks Lead to Beauty. Beauty Leads to Attention. And Attention Leads to Mindless Subtle Dancing in a Ring.
Contestant #4
Lena Yada
28
Los Angeles, CA
"A native Hawaiian, Lena is ranked No. 8 in the world in professional tandem surfing and is a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic Japan. Lena’s also starred in TV commercials and had a role in the recent movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." - WWE.com
For the sake of reader knowledge, I am going to misinterpret her surname as Yoda from this sentence onward. Lightsabre mastery and old-timey wisdom should benefit her in this competition.

It is a shame that WWE has little to no Asian-American representation in their company. Sure, Jimmy Wang Yang and Funaki are three-dimensional characters that inspire us all, though I certainly do not count on them to be effective role models for Asian-American youths. Jimmy Wang Yang is not my boy. Funaki is not the number one Smackdown announcer. In wrestling history, perhaps it was Yoshihiro Tajiri that can claim the title of Greatest Asian Ever. Do you remember when Jonathan Coachman asked Tajiri (a Japanese descendant) to get him food, but it was Chinese food? Yes, World Wrestling Entertainment treated him and only him perfectly. When it came to Tajiri, his character was given the utmost respect. Someday, I wish Yoda will revolutionize the wrestling industry. Never again will Asians be associated with strictly Asian things. If we're lucky, WWE may even let her use a spoon instead of a chopstick.

Prediction: Hired she will be. I sense much vacancy in her.

*****

Even Eve-n
Contestant #5
Eve Torres
22
Los Angeles, CA
"This L.A. Clippers Spirit Dancer loves running, aerobics, kickboxing and salsa dancing. Eve isn’t just a pretty face – she’s known to be adept at solving a Rubik’s Cube, too!" - WWE.com
I am sitting here with mouth agape. Drool is flowing from seven of my nineteen orifices. Eve Torres is a beautiful breath of fresh air in a stank and dank wrestling industry. There are not a lot of descriptions in the English language that can accurately convey the greatness that is Eva. Therefore, I will shout her power to the mountains with loud yelps; they will bounce off mountain ropes and five-knuckle-shuffle my conscience. Step aside, Melina. You will be hating life when Eva comes to town, Michelle McCool. Step aside again, Melina; you did not step aside far enough. Eve Torres is the new everything. Historians are etching it official on a tablet right now.

Lest we forget her name for she will ride my waves of admiration into the main event. Once there, she will never wrestle. She will simply exist and the three world titles will be hers. The ECW Championship will levitate into her hands, drawn by her extreme eyes. The World Heavyweight Championship will leave the soft hands of the Smackdown champ and knock at her doorstep with a bouquet of posies. Finally, the WWE Championship will spin for all time. A picture of Eve's face will adorn the spinning title. Its graphic will hypnotize you. Millions of critics claimed that Vince was crazy for implying that three wrestlers could be the best in the world at the same time. I tend to agree. You see, Eve Torres is not the tri-champion of one world. Truly, she is the tri-champion of three worlds. First, she conquers Mercury, Venus, and Earth. Then, she will wear Orion's belt fashionably and seductively. Who knows what her beauty will do next? What's that new ninth planet called? Orb #37485.9? Well, she'll rule that one too.

Prediction: I can be her Adam, ladies. I can take away her pain. I will watch these RAWs forever. And she can take my vote away.

*****

Counting Jessicas Before They Hatch
Contestant #6
Jessica Hatch
25
Houston, TX
"This Texas native is a sports enthusiast who played college volleyball and softball. Jessica has also taken top honors at various fitness shows, and even plays a mean game of bowling." - WWE.com
Jessica is a Southern Belle that all the fellows out there want to bring home to mother and father and sister and brother and ex-lover. Also, she is yet another blonde in a sandy hair city.

When you're a WWE Diva, you need to stand out from the rest of the pack. Jessica, with her tanned skin that almost transforms her into a different ethnicity, fails to make herself known due to her bland appearance. Jessica, with her fit physique and bleachy mane, cuts cookies. Although she cannot be unique with the look that she currently possesses, Jessica's abilities and talents could be her selling point. If Jessica is as athletic as she claims, she will need the assistance of the type of sport that can amaze the crowds in nationwide arenas and viewers at home. What do I suggest? Jessica will need a pommel horse. A snazzy two-minute routine with leg scissor swipes and torso twirls will do. Perform that session to a fast-paced country song and we will have ourselves the next WWE Diva. Jessica does not look like a marvel, yet she can be marvelous with action. Pommel horse action. Everything is big in Texas. Jessica will be another one of those big things.

Prediction: Pommel horse it for the win.

*****

Kim Kiminy, Kim Kiminy, Kim Kim Ki-roo
Contestant #7
J. Kim
21
Catawba, NC
"A former Miss Hawaiian Tropic, this Carolinian says she’s a country girl at heart, and enjoys getting dirty while bow hunting, fishing and four-wheeling. A true fitness buff, J. is a personal trainer and loves helping others accomplish their fitness goals." - WWE.com
Like all wrestling fans, I judge beautiful woman by the kind of fitness goals they can help me accomplish. If J. Kim can find it in her super-sexy frame to help me set some personal fitness goals, she will gain my approval in this year's Diva Search. Firstly, I wish to gain ten pounds of muscle, then lose those same ten pounds. Nextly, I plan to go on a kind of diet in which I watch nothing but RAW and eat nothing but raw meat. As a third goal, I want to beat ECW Champion John Morrison in a game of Who Has The Most Abs That Can Be Seen Outside Their Body? So far, Morrison is the proud owner of six abdomen muscles. If J. Kim assists me, I think I can push out a seventh that will make the ladies scream with joy. "Inhuman," they will shout. "No, Kimpossible!" I will reply with cleverness. Somewhere on Sci-Fi, John Morrison will be shedding his tears. They will rain down on his abs. Only six abs will glisten. I will laugh in victory. Tears of joy on those seven abs, people.

Since J. Kim does not appear to have a complete first name, I will assume that "J." was written on her birth certificate. Her mother and father thought for a fortnight, wondering what to name their little pretty bundle of joy and pep and joyous pepness, but could not accurately put into words what to call her lovely being.

Prediction: J. Kim will be shipped off to Ohio Valley Wrestling in Louisville, Kentucky to work the WWE-style of names. One day, if she works hard enough, she might attain enough letters in training to complete her first name. The letters may not fit in relation to one another, but it'll get her a call-up to the big leagues. Here's you to, Jhoxuysl Kim.

*****

Frieson Temperatures
Contestant #8
Lyndy Frieson
25
Vancouver, BC
"This outdoorsy Canadian was a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Canada and has a background in martial arts. Lyndy says she loves entertaining people and her interests include horseback riding and hiking." - WWE.com
Oh, you have stolen my heart like you have stolen that second Y in your first name. You didn't ask for that second Y; you just took it. You hail from my country 'tis of thee sweet land maple syrupy. You live in a city which is also the permanent host to the never-ending Stephen Rivera Chucklethon Festival. You have gorgeous blonde hair that is long. Your chestal area is as robust as coffee is caffeinated. I have never dreamt of a woman as Frieson-y as you. If you do not win the WWE Diva Search '07 Edition, I will march up to World Wrestling Entertainment Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut and mutter a curse word under my breath, accompanied by a hearty fist shake for good measure. You cannot tear Lyndy and I apart, publicly traded sports entertainment company. We belong together in the same manner that Charlie Haas functions as the Lenny to Shelton Benjamin's Carl, except more sexier. A lot more sexier. Get another bushel basket because there's a whole lot of hot left to be picked from the hot tree.

Prediction: Winner winner potluck dinner made of paint thinner

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 24th

Triple H vs. King Friday XIII

TGIKF
Thank goodness it's King Friday

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

King Friday can't grin with his expressionless face
But he can move his arms while his head stays in place
Through the openings in the castle he makes his decree
Ruling neighbourhoods where it is all make-believe

King Friday was so jolly
Hey look, there's that trolley

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

The King of Fridays
There can only be 52 Fridays in one calendar year

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Wait, hold on a second. I can't hear you. These people over here are talking so loud about how they don't like babies and puppies and things like that.

AND

Looks like them Duke boys are starting a joint checking account.

Want Advertisements

Wrestling fans across the universe sit solemnly in their ratty couches, dressed in slippers, torn shorts, and a stained tanktop, waiting to be chosen as a worthwhile contributor to society. Many individuals crowd before their television, analyze the week that was professional wrestling programming, and wonder if they too can make the big bucks akin to the performers of today. Young teenage wrestling enthusiasts, who are the whippersnappers of our future, are whipwrecked in dead-end jobs, working for mere dimes and day-old hamburgers. Even adult appreciators of the industry wish they could be innovative and successful employees of WWE, or TNA, rather than stuck in a maze of cubicles and incessant phone ring after phone ring. Due to the current economy, which has left us mostly down and mostly out, we continue to exist under a darkening cloud of unhappiness and unfulfilled aspirations. Many of you may have already thrown in the towel and accepted your mediocre lifestyle with off-white picket fences and only 1.5 children. But, there is hope.

What or who will rescue us from the rut? Newspaper classifieds. To the ignorant, want advertisements are nothing but 50-words-or-less jumbles of abbreviated words submitted by strangers wanting to get rid of their hand lawnmowers and smelly furniture in exchange for a few dollar-dollars. To the intelligent, encountering want advertisments in a newspaper is like finding an actual coin in the center of a chocolate coin. Everyday, national and local print publications showcase great deals and exciting employment opportunities. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling even partake in the advertising of their wants. Did you know that want advertisements is how that all major companies acquire their most loyal and productive hands? No, you don't, but you should because I told you. This is your chance to make a somebody out of your nobody self. This is it. Make it or break it. Choose it or lose it. Take it to the bank or leave it with the skank. Put it on the board or live inside your Ford. You need to become awesome or be hung upside down like a possum. I'm done. I need bed rest after prolonged fits of rhyming.

Now, I know professional wrestling breeds a pessimistic bunch; years of quick roll-ups and double disqualifications out of the ring have left you jaded. Additionally, even I have tried to stay positive during times which are quite trying yet I often fail in my attempts. With that said, I was taught a long time ago that giving up is not an option in life. In fact, when all hope tries to sink to the bottom of the whirlpool ocean of despair... hope floats. Let Sandra Bullock be your guide. Thank you, inanimate motion picture. Danke schoen, Speed 2: Cruise Control I guess.

Want are in the Wrestling Want Ads? Let's take look-see and see-look:

DJ for Theodore Long-Kristal Marshall Wedding Reception
To the lucky few who possess turntables and large headphones you only tuck between your shoulder and the side of your head, take my advice and do not agree to take this job. I am one but several sports entertainment writers/mixmasters in Western North America. I have pumped up numerous jams at wedding parties all over this di-province and tri-state area. Receptions involving wrestling show general managers and Diva Search Contestant losers are disastrous events that end in much sadness. If you have never trusted me before, please take my word for this one instance and do not DJ the Long-Marshall wedding. It will end in heartbreak. There will be no dancing. Any rhythmic movements you see on the body of Teddy Long will be purely coincidental. He will be running from the dance floor with tears streaming down his face. Between joyous fits of laughter, that good-for-nothing schemer Kristal Marshall will gather his tears in a bucket and sell them to the audience Cryme Tyme style. Vickie Guerrero will be there. Nothing good can come from this gig.



Agent for Karen Angle

Karen Angle is not the first legitimate spouse of a professional wrestler to be featured on television. In the heydays of World Championship Wrestling, Kimberly Page danced funky in unison with about seven or eight other women as the Nitro Girls while Diamond Dallas signaled for the Jay-Z Cutter and downed his opponents with 99 Problems. Years later, the Undertaker was joined on television by his wife, Sarataker, in his quest to vanquish that very DDP. Total Non-Stop Action may believe that Karen Angle is great for business, but you best believe to not put your business in that business. Do not get me wrong for Mrs. Angle is a fetching woman, yet if TNA is wishing to fetch ratings with her, they are super wrong. Take this job if you are the wife of an agent.

Replacement for Pacman Jones

Tennesseee Titan Adam "Pacman" Jones is not allowed to wrestle in TNA. Therefore, we need a replacement. He can ghost tag with Ron "Ms. Pac-Man" Killings all he wants, but his feet will never leave the apron. Jones is in need of another football player who is cleared to step inside the squared circular hexagon. Kevin Greene may have cut the mustard in World Championship Wrestling, but that was back then in the late 1700s. Today, we need a fresh footballer-turned-grappler. Michael Vick, if you listening to me and or reading this piece, please answer this advertisement. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling can only benefit from signing another player with a clean-cut image such as yourself. Professional wrestling requires credibility. According to my secret sources, Michael Vick's mother's maiden name was Credibility. Justine Credibility.

Support for Big Daddy V

ECW's resident monster, who's handled by a teacher with a retractable pointer and intimidating pocket protector, tears it up in the ring every week on Sci-Fi. While he manhandles no-name opponents who wear generic tights, his gargantuan body gets in the way of his path of destruction. Surely, his adversaries weigh a combined upward of a garbage bag of balloons though he cannot squash them to the best of his ability if his pectoral area continues to sway in the breeze like falling leaves from an apple tree, leaving his mobility and view substantiallly limited. So, to the unemployed readers of want advertisements, you will be able to help Big Daddy V in his struggle to not be so jiggly if you possess the power of ten men. If you have friends are family who also have the power of ten men, they may be hired too. Together, you, who has the power of ten men, will join nine of your cohorts, who should each have the power of ten men. One person who has the power of ten men multiplied by the ten men in your group equals a lot of numbers (with a remainder of three probably if you cross-multiply and divide). Big Daddy V is in need of a gaggle of supporters who will hold up his great anterior excess through life in lieu of a lady's bra. Do you have a flatbed truck, crane, tractor trailer, or a Rikishi Bed of Hay on Wheels? If so, a vehicle like one of the aforementioned will come in handy. For your work, you will be paid handsomely in the form of $1,000,000. Then, you will be charged ugly-ly in the form of $1,000,001. The American Dream has come alive.

Basketball for The Great Khali

The reigning World Heavyweight Champion loves to play team sports. As fluid as he is in the squared circle, The Great Khali's force does not always equal fun in other environments. There are times when his inhuman strength becomes a weakness rather than a strength. In his great spare time, The Great Khali loves to play basketball and dunk on his opponents by standing in place. Although, gripping the ball can be challenge. Last week on Smackdown, the Great Khali destroyed a basketball with his iron claws. Despite what viewers believe, he did not deflate the ball on purpose. He was looking to play pick-up with his homies; his excitement overpowered the basketball. What does Khali have to do to shoot some hoops around here without smashing every basketball he caresses with his milky hands? Well, this is where you come into the employment picture. Can you roll into a ball? Are you orange and a tad leathery? Are you an official sphere of the National Basketball Association? If you have answered yes to at least two of these three questions, you qualify to be The Great Khali's human basketball. The pay may not be much (in the realm of two Khali Laughs per hour) but the amount of job satisfaction lasts a lifetime.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 23rd

Scrappy-Doo vs. Chavo Guerrero

Ooooooh Chavo
Hi, I'm Scrappy-Doo

Chavo
Scrappy-Dappy-Doo
Chavo
Guerrero-Derro-Doo
Chavo
Played-Out-Feudy-Deudy-Doo

Doin' it for Eddie power!
Ooooooh Chavo

Scrappy-Dappy-Doo!

Oooooh Chavo-Davo-Doo!

The Question
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Those who do not slam in the summer will be unforgiven in a series that will pit a survivor against an armageddon that shows no mercy.

AND

Dear Randy, keep on reaching for the cherries. There you go, my friend.

The Swerved Recordings: Vince McMahon

Like a 60-some-odd-year-old phoenix rising from the ashes of his exploded white limousine, Vince McMahon has returned to World Wrestling Entertainment with the vengeance of a thousand vengeful warriors. In light of recent steroid controversy and speculation surrounding the publicly owned company, and professional wrestling in general, Vince is fighting back with snide replies and underhanded responses. As the attacks become more frequent, and the criticisms are expressed to growing national and international audiences, Vince shows his brave face. His recently grown hair is his steel armour. His bulky suit is his impenetrable shield of justice. His swagger shakes off the crowd of violent townspeople set on burning his magical being to the stake. In a day and age in which it would be easy for Vince McMahon and his WWE to run for cover, they are running alright. They are running towards the enemy.

Along with his cast of oiled up, outlandish, and muscly performers, Vince is ready to dish out the hurt just as well as he has taken it. People like Finlay embody the tireless spirit of the chairman for he too does not back down from a fight. Take that, Marc Mero, and your tight-skinned facial features. Finlay will slay you with comebacks containing roundabout truths and buzz phrases. John Cena is but another loyal henchmen for the cause. Larry King has been humbled by Cena's talent for answering what is really on the mind of the wrestling fan: "How good is a good wrestler?" Good?" Vince McMahon will not back down from a challenge, whether it originates in the media or in the public. He will yell at the challenge, feud with the challenge for many months until everyone yawns with boredom, then feud with the challenge for another year, then have the challenge kiss his posterior, and then bring in Shane to feud with the challenge. In the game of Win, Lose, or Draw, Vince McMahon wins every time while he draws the loser being all loser-y with a loser face on a sketch pad made of losers.

How will he take victory to the next level, you ask? How will Vince vent his frustrations? Through song, of course. This late summer, get ready for...


The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon's
Ventilation

Track Listing

1. This is Vince McMahon's Jam, Damnit (Interlude)
2. Your Mother is a 2.5 Rating
3. Limo Go Boom, I Go Zoom
4. The Media is One Big Carnivorous Cyclops Monster from the Depths of the Underworld
5. Illegitimate Children Legitimately Make Me Angry
6. How Dare You Ask Me Questions Begging Much Needed Answers
7. Congress is a Bunch of Smiling Paul Londons
8. Steph by Steph
9. Blame it on the Shane
10. Backed into the Corner w/ R. Kelly (Parts I-L)
11. I Like My Muscles How I Like My Wrestlers (Big and Veiny)
12. Hunterback ft. Triple H
13. Squared Circle of Life
14. Barney Fife is an Outdated Pop Culture Reference (But I Will Use It Anyway Because It Has Comedic Relevance to Me, and Therefore, The Whole World) [Judge Ito on a Rotary Phone Remix]
15. You're Friared
16. Vince McMahon's Out, Damnit (Exitlude)

The Swerved Recordings is proud to present Vince McMahon's debut LP entitled Ventilation. Vince McMahon dons the uniform of an air conditioner repair man to rid to world of hot seats. He has not created a spoken word album, but a soulful album that speaks to you in a metaphoric manner so he does not have to. Never again will he have to answer to the curious peoples. The temperature is getting pretty toasty. Vince will be installing four units of honesty with eight settings of facts (Factual Facts, True Facts, Factual True Facts, True Factual Facts, Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth Facts, and Breezy). In this interrogation room we call Earth, things are about to get a lot more comfortable.

The summer air is heavy. This room is filling up with warm lies. Turn on the air conditioning so we may feel the relief of Vince McMahon's cold truths.

What is the word on the street about Ventilation? Real nice-sounding words... like "acquiescene" or "meat". Here are a few reactions to this cool album:

"Computing aural data into mainframe. Conclusion--Mister Mackman has done it again. Fear him or he will destroy you. End of verbal transmission." - The Gerald Brisco Robot Without Personal Opinion or Dignity

"If you listen very closely, you can hear his grapefruits tapping lightly against the studio microphone. Nice touch." - Grapefruit Sounds Appreciation Society

"If they are the size of grapefruits, he should not be bragging about them. He should see me immediately. That is not normal." - Vince McMahon's Doctor

"Thank you Jesus, thank you Vince, thank you ITunes Gift Card." - The Iron Sheik

"I am just here to get embarrassed by Vince once again. There you go. Ten seagulls just crapped on my face. If you need me in a dress anytime soon, I'll be in the waiting room." - Eric Bischoff

"If each of my ears had a face, they would be smiling right now. Sports entertainment music at its finest." - WWE Fan #1054895 Being Interviewed for Television

"Oooooh." - The Ghost of Vince McMahon, Sr.

"This is actually bad, but I'm going to say it's good because it's all we have." - The Wrestling Industry Post-April 2001

Any other reactions? If Tony the Tiger was alive today, he would tighten his neckerchief and say, "Brrrr....great!" in reaction to the album. You see, Vince McMahon has also installed an air conditioner in Tony the Tiger's posthumous Frosted Flake Condominium. It's very hot outside, but cold inside. This is how air conditioning works, friend. Don't question it. Just buy it.

The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon
Ventiliation
Dropping Very Soon. Like, Right Now or Something.

This WWEek in Vince McMahon Commentary of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that Vince McMahon, fake deather and WWE Chairman, is having a party and will cry if he wants to?

A: I hope you choke on your apple. Real bad.

Homer Sezings Once More

Wrestling historian Homer Jay Simpson continues to inform:

*****

NEXT WEEK

Hey, that's my novelty flying disc. Give it back, Hunter. You are ruining the biggest party of the summer.

AND

I will fight you, but first, care for some pink lemonade in my gazebo?

RAW Improvement

As of this writing, World Wrestling Entertainment is operating in panic mode in reaction to the smallness of Monday Night RAW's ratings. You'd think that this past week's episode was a smash hit, due to the main event which was made up of Randy Orton distracting John Cena by flailing his limbs like a overturned cockroach. In a study I read or may have dreamt, males in the 18-to-34-year-old demographic enjoy watching violence, sensual depictions of lady parts, and bug acting (in reverse order). Alas, no matter how hard they try, the current RAW talent cannot capture the hearts and minds of the people. S.S. Monday Night has a broken mast. Its sails are wilting on the decks of mediocrity. The crew plays violin as the passengers try to escape from the carnage on rafts. Women and children are first. We are all doomed.

But, are we really?

I may not be employed by Vince McMahon and WWE but I know what's good for the gander and the goose. If they want ratings to soar to the sky, all they have to do is ask the pilot to take them there (ex. me). Just because I am not a professional wrestler does not mean I have inadequate knowledge of the business. In fact, since I am so far removed from the wrestling industry, perhaps I have a measure of superior and innovative insight most valuable to the Stamford, Connecticut millionaires. Good television is rare these days. You have to weed through the garbage to get to the gold. Whether WWE cares to listen to me or not is irrevelant for every Swerved reader knows that I lead us to the gold every week. If they cannot see what an estimated 2.3 billion readers see, may they wallow in their mansions made of garbage with a garbage mailbox and a 2-car garage made of garbage for the remains of the garbage day.


Suggestion 1: Surprises

For about a month, World Wrestling Entertainment needs to show vignettes on their programming involving the presentation of a can of mixed nuts. For example, one teaser will show a pair of white-gloved hands presenting the can on the silver platter to the audience. The next week, perhaps those same hands pop the lid slightly open but not all way. Up until the RAW season premiere in September, droves of fans and curious television viewers will crave mixed nuts; they will want to get inside that can as soon as possible, trying to claw their persons through the screen. Then, in the main event slot of the premiere, a final vignette is shown on the RAW titantron of the mixed nut can and a clock counting down its unveiling. Next, a man in a tuxedo with white-gloved hands appears atop the entranceway and opens the can. What happens? A snake pops out. Fans reactions include but are not limited to the following:

"Aw man, I thought there were nuts in there but it wasn't in there because a snake was in there. Nuts not being in there but a snake being in there makes me laugh and is entertaining because instead of nuts in there, there was a snake in there. Ah. I still feel like some mixed nuts. Let me see that can again. Oh, you got me once more."

"How did that snake do that? I've got to tune in next week and every week after that. Maybe they'll show me how that snake got there."

"Oh my, what an alarming surprise."

The next day, RAW's rating is a 10.1.


Suggestion 2: Take Note from the Past, Prepare for the Future

When RAW was at its peak in the late 1990s, performers such as The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin brought mega ratings via mega personas. Wrestling fans adored and admired these wrestlers for they brought a level of charisma and attitude to the grappling table that put past greats to shame. In addition to the two biggest names of the era, X-Pac brought amazingingity into our line of vision. He had educated feet and the patented Bronco Buster, now popularized by Mae Young. In addition to the aforementioned, his Hansen's Energy Drink ruled our world. In case you were not aware, X-Pac invented a new way to consume a beverage when he came down the aisle with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink in his tights. Halfway down to the ring, he would take out the can, take a drink, and grin in a refreshed and relieved manner. According to a friend of a friend of mine, X-Pac's drink, in reality, tasted like a stale caffeine boot.

Then again, according to X-Pac's actions, tucking objects into your pants makes terrible things more enjoyable.

Therefore, I propose to Vince McMahon and the USA Network to find a way to shrink Monday Night RAW broadcasts into a small enough broadcast so that we, as the collective wrestling community, may stick RAW in our respective pants. If we can leave it in there long enough, we too can partake in the same type of satisfaction X-Pac enjoyed when we take it out for a viewing. Thank you for this wonderful idea, X-Pac. Let the magic begin.


Suggestion 3: We Need More of What We Don't Need

Bonnie Hammer, the wife of Arm &, and the President of the USA Network and Sci-Fi, is encouraging Vince McMahon to alter RAW from a two-hour live broadcast to a three-hour scripted punching and kicking extravaganza. In response, the writers of the show have sighed in exhaustion while Vince himself is tearing the plaid off his suit somehow. Surely, three-hours did not do WCW Monday Nitro any favours when it took the plunge into Almost-The-Length-Of-Titanicdom, but World Wrestling Entertainment is suffering from an acute case of bird flu; the only presciption is more bird flu.

If WWE is smart (they are and a half), they will change Monday Night RAW from a two-hour broadcast to a four-hour orgasmic opera. What I am asking for is John Cena and Triple H having two-hour debates about ham sandwiches and hair care management. If one Diva Search concludes, I want two more to start. Bring back every legend who is still upright and put them in the ring against eager up-and-comers. The last time we saw Jimmy Snuka, he moved around the ring like a rusty robot. Let's bring back that gracefulness. More Santino being possessed by Italian Spaghetti Sauce Commercial Actors of the 80s. More Daivari losing in his shiny parachute pants. More I say. I want Carlito's Cabana to return. The Iron Sheik should get his own psychiatric advice show called The Camel Couch. The Great Khali knows very little English if any at all, so why not bring him back to RAW for the five thousandth iteration and give him a cooking show? Every proposal in these two paragraphs is handing WWE a license to print billion dollar bills of gold on bars in bank vaults for life.


Suggestion 4: Hi Def Mos Def

As Friday Night Smackdown prepares to broadcast in high definition, it is only fitting for Monday Night RAW to do the same. Since the beginning of time, wrestling audiences have complained about the fact that weekly programs are not clear and vivid enough to see the facial scars of their favourite superstars. I have received pleas from those within the wrestling spectrum to convince WWE to put Snitsky's cratered back in HD because it will allow viewers to engage in a simulated experience of walking on the moon. If you have always wanted to visit the big cheese globe in the sky, you can with high definition Gene Snitsky. Stick that flag in there and show them you've visited it. I bet his teeth are not simply yellow, but have an amber tinge as well. I cannot wait for HD wrestling.

Critics have criticized WWE with their criticism, critiquing their decision to switch to high definition programming. Although they claim that high definition may expose botched moves, grazed punches, and missed fists left undetected by low definition shows, I think HD is beneficial. You see, critics of the universe, HD could possibly sabotage fans' suspension of belief, but phantom moves and attacks are a good thing. For example, if one guy happens to take a swing at somebody, like a fellow wrestler perhaps, that individual can or cannot sue him depending on the outstanding evidence provided by the high definition visuals. I don't know about you, loyal reader, but I watch wrestling 71.2% of the time to if see if one person can sue another for something. I don't think I'm alone here.


Suggestion 5: F-R-E-E

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The time that World Wrestling Entertainment shifts to panic mode is the time to break open the In Case of Emergency Class Case and utilize Plan Z. If Vince McMahon and his crew feel a WWE show is being pulled into the vortex of suck, they need to reach deep down from within themselves for a solution. It may be a quick fix; it may not rectify the flaws of the company completely, but if they want their ratings, they must get them with fingertip reaching. Take the improbable situation of a Major Brothers versus Two No-Name Guys match in which fans react by sitting on their hands in REM sleep. Whatever the Major Brothers conjure up to show their personality and charisma to the audience does not excite the audience. They try to pump their fists in the air saying, "Yeah!" but the viewers continue to ignore them. They attempt to spark interest by executing front facelock after front facelock after side lock to no avail. Two No-Name Guys try to file for a name change but even they are met by the wall of crowd silence. What does WWE do? What can cure their ills?

Free candy for all.

Vince McMahon needs to show up during the dead segments and matches of his shows carrying sacks of jujubes, sour keys, Hershey's kisses, and Twizzlers over his shoulder. As long as he can throw candy far enough to the nosebleed seats, the audience in the arena and those at home will be mesmerized. The people at the event will want WWE to return as soon as possible so they may get their second dosage of free sugar. Cheap wrestling fans around the continent will line up at box offices the very next day to get their haul of complimentary candy sweetness. A bag of Hershey's kisses costs about one dollar, but the rewards are priceless. Free candy for all is but a small price to pay to get fans to love you once again. Plus, if another P.R. nightmare falls on WWE, even more candy for all. Jolly Ranchers for you, Nancy Grace. How about some Tootsie Rolls, Glenn Beck? Care for some Family Fun Size Snicker bars, Geraldo and or Bill O'Reilly? It's all good in the hood.

Homer Sezings

Wrestling Definitions by Wrestling Historian Homer Jay Simpson

*****

NEXT WEEK

I love you too but I'm going to mace you in the face.

AND

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Tag Team Revivaler: Part 2

Webster's Dictionary defines a tag team as nothing for the term consists of two words. In the dictionary of Stephen, tag team is more than a simple term. One day, I was walking down the street and saw a man in great pain. He collapsed onto the pavement in a heap of loose limbs and ragged torso. A crowd of pedestrians gathered around him in disillusion. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the middle-aged lady with a large handbag. "I think he's choking," said a hooded sweatshirt teenager in baggy pants. As they stood motionless around the fallen man, I shoved my way through the crowd. With one glance at the circle of people, I crouched down and looked at the downed individual eye to glazed eye.

What did I do? I reached out my hand, received the tag, and attacked the crowd with clotheslines, suplexes, and bulldogs. He recovered fine. The end. This is the power of the hot tag. This is the art of tag team wrestling in the everyday.

World Wrestling Entertainment needs a dose of greatness injected into its entertaining yet petty, exploitive, and shameless veins. No man is a island; two men become a peninsula. The wrestling world needs tag teams like a child needs a mother's love or a new bike.

WWE

1

Name: It's Time To Show You, You'll See (Triple H and Stevie Richards)

Gimmick: Triple H, in full Wrestlemania 21 Barbarian Attire, becomes a full-fledged barbarian with a crown made out of the skeletons of his previous defeated competitors. Stevie Richards, in full hot pink Sunday Night Heat Attire, is a viking with a helmet made out of the many canvasses he was pinned upon during his career.

Entrance Music: Two sledgehammers making sweet sledgehammy love to each other.

Entrance: Triple H sulks in his chair as Stevie Richards appears on a docking ship playing Misirlou on a Guitar Hero II guitar that is not plugged into its console.

Finisher: Pedi-T

Triple H executes the Pedigree on the dazed opponent. The opponent lands on Stevie Richards and pins him by accidental circumstance. In furrowed brow anger, Triple H proceeds to attack Richards for all eternity. His forehead wrinkles get wrinklier.

Prediction: 101-Time WWE Tag Team Champions of Championing


2

Name: Twins II (The Great Khali and Hornswoggle)

Gimmick: Hornswoggle is Danny DeVito from Batman Returns, who searches for his long lost brother (Khali), who plays Arnold Schwarzenegger's role in Kindergarten Cop.

Entrance Music: Khali belly laughs with Celtic music backup.

Entrance: The Great Khali throws Hornswoggle deep to himself (from the top of entranceway all the way to the ring) a la Mr. Perfect's football pass.

Finisher: The Gigantic Dwarfinization

The Great Khali tethers Hornswoggle around his waist with a rope to fashion a human yo-yo. Khali performs several tricks (ex. Rock the Baby) which fling Hornswoggle out and about their opponent's faces and bodies for the total knockout.

Prediction: 1,256,395-Time World Tag Team Contenders of the World


3

Name: Fat People Are Angry Because Of The Fat Swat Team (Big Daddy V and Umaga)

Gimmick: Big Daddy V and Umaga appear on Shaquille O'Neal's preteen weight loss show that nobody watches. To their equal amount of dismay, they lose only 3 pounds between them. From this day forward, they vow to use their fat for evil rather than good to spite Kazaam.

Entrance Music: A cake being baked. Aw, that's their jam. That beat is bumpin'.
Entrance: An enormous slide is positioned from atop the entranceway to the center of the ring. In tight sequin bodysuits, Big Daddy and Umaga hold hands at the top of the slide, then whiz down together. To lubricate the slide, let's say... Crisco is used.

Finisher: Easy Bake Oven Drop '07

Big Daddy V and Umaga set a pair of Easy Bake Ovens in the center of the ring. Their opponents' try to use the ovens but soon grow frustrated by the fact that it takes 72 hours to cook a cupcake under a 25-watt lightbulb. As the adversaries are distracted, V and Umaga fly off opposite top turnbuckles and smush their opponents with the fat of their fat.

Prediction: 1-Ton Tag Ton Champions


4

Name: Super Santino Bros. 3 (Santino Marella and Super Crazy w/ Maria)

Gimmick: An Italian plumber and Mexican landscaper fall down a garden pipe into a new and disturbing world where animals turn into gold coins if you stomp on them; if you are hit by one, you turn into a little person too. Upon their arrival to this mystical land, they are informed by Toddstool (Todd Grisham) that beautiful Princess Maria is missing. "That ho is always in the last castle we look," the Super Santino Brothers say with disappointed expressions. Now, why are they the third installment of Super Santino Bros.? Cause they wear frog suits in 3. Why the balls else?

Entrance Music: Flee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee doo. Fleep doop-doop, flee-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-dee-doo.

Entrance: Santino and Super Crazy march in place, then fling themselves to the gorilla position backstage. Some kid from the year 1990 presses the A button and they appear from the curtains.

Finisher: "Get The Star, Jimmy! The Star!"

The princess is kidnapped.

Santino and Super Crazy bop two question mark boxes suspended in mid-air. Two smiling cartoon stars appear and begin to hop on the ground. Santino and Crazy run to the stars. When they get them, they begin their momentary spaz fury sessions on their opponents in Green Land: World 1, Stage 4.

The princess is kidnapped again.

Prediction: 7-Star Tag Team Brothers Who May Just Be Having Drug-Induced Dreams.


5

Name: Refridgeration-X also known as R-X (Shawn Michaels and Bobby Lashley)

Gimmick: Shawn Michaels returns from much needed knee surgery stressing to the world the importance of keeping leftovers and meats well chilled. Bobby Lashley dons the Maytag repairman uniform to join Michaels in his cause.

Entrance Music: "We refridgerate to keep things cool. We just tired of you leaving raw chicken unprotected on your kitchen island."

Entrance: Shawn Michaels lunges to one side and flexes his biceps with refridgerated cold cuts in each hand. Behind him stands Bobby Lashley who brings in a new fridgerator-freezer combo on a box trolley.

Finisher: The Frigidaire Fatality

Shawn Michaels stomps his foot in the corner of the ring while the fans count along with him. When the opponent turns around, Shawn Michaels runs up to the fridge and smacks the door in his face. Meanwhile, Bobby Lashley bounces off the ropes to the fridge. He presses the "Make Cubed Ice" button. The cubes fly from the dispenser and knock out the opponent(s) for the one, two, three.

Prediction: 10-Time North American Tag Team Food Preservation Champions

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 22nd

WWE World Heavyweight Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Larry King

Witchita Falls
You're on the air

Hello, this is Basic Larrynomics
This is Ba-Basic Larrynomics
Hello, I'm throwing softballs cause you don't have any hardballs
Hello, this is Ba-Ba-Basic La-La-Larrynomics
Hello, I have suspenders to hold up my manly grapefruits

Whether talkin' or listenin'
I'm old-timin' glistenin'
Got your back against the floor with missionary questions
Do you like to wrestle? Have you always liked wrestling?
I bet your signature move hurts a whole lot, I'm guessing
Viewers hit the phones, dialing Larry King Live's numbers
For over forty minutes, I'm tossing deep thought asunder
Pay attention to this playpen here on CNN
Tune in then when this new joint replays at 10

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I revive many a thing with the help of some stuff somewhere over there, probably.

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Tag Team Revivaler: Part 1

The art of tag team wrestling is fading into the light of the forgotten once more. In the modern day, the tag match is no more a display of double-team ingenuity and chemistry between partners; truly, it has now become a vehicle to prolong singles feuds between main event wrestlers. Tell me the last main event tag team match between actual tag teams that has impressed you and I will show you a bridge. Care to purchase said bridge? Buy this bridge, and get another bridge half-off. There will be no sales tax on the second bridge if you act now, by golly.

Yes, a handful of tag teams exist today. On the independent circuit, tag teams still run around flipping and spinning at each other. TNA's tag division is somewhat existent with promising duos such as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin as the Motor City Machine Guns and LAX (Los Angeles X-rays... of Anaheim). World Wrestling Entertainment is home to many teams, but the tandems are regrettably quite inferior to their predecessors. World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch do not cut it. Of course, Trevor Murdoch's face, which is eternally reacting to the taste of a sour lemon is stupendous. However, the Murdoch Lemon Face fails to set the wrestling world ablaze. Although WWE Tag Team Champions Deuce and Domino (with Cherry) are doin' it for Johnny and the rest of the Outsiders and or Happy Days gang, their punches, kicks, punch kicks, and kick punches do not wow the people who are not Two-Bit and or Arnold's restaurant patrons.

This week, I propose to the professional wrestling world a concept that will most definitely cause ripples in both the industry and our culture. I request that you, the reader, tag me into these proceedings so I may relay my plan for a tag team revival to the masses.

Tag team wrestling is not dead. Tag team wrestling is not on life support. In fact, tag team wrestling is about to become better than ever, Trevor.

TNA

1

Name: International House of Submissions & Wine (Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle)

Gimmick: Samoe Joe has a lot of gold titles. Kurt Angle also has a lot of gold titles, one of which no casual fan has ever heard of.

Entrance Music: Godzilla singing the American National Anthem

Entrance: Samoe Joe treats the Impact and TNA Pay-Per-View
audiences to a high-energy island dance with thrusts, hand slaps, and jigs. While he is performing, Kurt Angle sings Sexy Kurt with Mike "M-Dawg" Tenay on back-up vocals.

Finisher: The Tap Tap Tapioca Tap Dance

Samoa Joe holds his opponent over his shoulder for a Muscle Buster. On their way down to the mat, Kurt takes off his singlet to reveal that he is wearing a speedo a la July 19th edition of TNA Impact. Kurt waves his banana hammock in his opponents' face, which forces the recipient of the experience to tap out before he is knocked out on the mat.

Prediction: 23-Time TNA Tag Team Champions of TNA


2

Name: OMGWTFemales (Christy Hemme and Roxxi Laveaux)

Gimmick: Feuding rivals team up to show TNA and the rest of Earth that women deserve to convulse and look like floozies just as much as men do.

Entrance Music: One hand clapping in a land of tumbleweeds.

Entrance: Hemme and Laveaux link their limbs together to form a rudimentary human bicycle. They wheel their way down the aisle as TNA personality and open-shirt-collar-wearer Jeremy Borash rides the bicycle.

Finisher: Vagicide

Christy Hemme hoists their opponent on her shoulders. Then, Roxxi Laveaux spazzes out like a voodoo gypsy woman thing on her way to the top turnbuckle. Next, she flies off the turnbuckle crotch-first onto her opponent's head. This move is capped off by Hemme and Laveaux celebrating by trying to out-voodoo-dance each other. The opponent is all OMGWTF before his/her defeat (hence the tag team name).

Prediction: 3-Time TNA Non-existent Women's Tag Team Champions of the Universe


3

Name: Far East Connection (Sonjay Dutt and Senshi)

Gimmick: Sonjay Dutt tries to keep peace in the ring by throwing daisies at his opponents which Senshi also kicks at them with the might of his kickpadded shins.

Entrance Music: The mantra entitled One, Two, Buckle My Shoe

Entrance: Sonjay Dutt rides an African elephant to the ring. An African elepant rides Senshi to the ring.

Finisher: Peace Be With You Driver

Sonjay Dutt holds up the opponent in a vertical suplex position. Senshi leaps off the apron, springboards from the top rope, then kicks the opponent's head clean from his body. Unlike the chicken, the homosapien does not run around crazily when it loses its head. It tends to stay in place after such an event occurs so it's all good.

Prediction: 11-Time Head-Kicker-Off Tag Team Champions


4

Name: Young Boy (Eric Young and Shark Boy)

Gimmick: Eric Young alters his persona as a lovable buffoon to that of a lifesaving lifeguard. One day, a dying shark washes up on the shore of a popular Florida beach. Eric resuscitates the shark with the Heimlich maneuver. Unbeknownst to him, the shark that he saves is actually the mayor of Shark Town, located deep in the waters mere metres away from the beach. To show his gratitude to Eric, he mayor brings him down to the town square for a celebratory ceremony. Thousands of sharks gather around the streets as Eric is given the key to Shark Town. They live happily ever after. The end...

Oh, right a gimmick. Let's say... Eric Young and Shark Boy team up for no reason. Can I have my million dollars now?

Entrance Music: Calm ocean sounds (a shark attacking a fat guy)

Entrance: Young and Boy enter the Impact arena in Orlando, Florida in a speeding Cadillac which is made to look like an tidal wave. Eric Young's reaction is all "I did not know the tides were this strong," while Shark Boy is all, "This is what the waters naturally do at night, so I'm cool with it."

Finisher: Bits and Bites

Shark Boy attacks his opponent on the rear by gnawing at his/her posterior. Eric Young is forced to finish the job, but he has to attain the experience first. To become a full-fledged, he attends Cannibal Elementary School, Cannibal High (he repeats a year because he has trouble chewing left thighs), then the University of Cannibalism. His Bachelor of Arts degree is the first step to a successful life of devouring the rest of his opponent. Hopefully their adversaries can wait until he is able to finish the 17+ years of study.

Prediction: 20-Time Tag Team Human Devouring North American Champions


5

Name: Impersonation Station ("Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and Jerry "Nickelbacker" Lynn)

Gimmick: Jay Lethal runs around being "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. Jerry Lynn transforms into lead singer Chad Kroeger of the rock band Nickelback by spreading his legs out a tad when he stands in addition to parting his hair slightly in the middle.

Entrance Music: A mash-up of Pomp & Cirumstance and a remix of Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi that will feature Mr. Kroeger on main vocals.

Entrance: Black Machismo heads down the aisle in a Wrestlemania 3 Ring Cart. Jerry Lynn throws nickels behind his back for good luck, to make a pun, and to have a loss of nickels.

Finisher: Oooooh, How You Remind Me

Jay Lethal leaps off the top turnbuckle with a Macho Man elbowdrop as Jerry Lynn croons from a New York apartment rooftop while Spider-Man swings on his web strands bored as hell. Peter Parker don't not need no reminder of nothing.

Prediction: 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time, 25-Time TNA Tag Team Impersonators.