The calendar year of 2007 is coming to a close. This time, the Swerved is about to cap another year off not with a whimper but a bang. How do you like that play of poem, T.S. (Too Sweet) Eliot? You better like it good. You see/read, loyal readers, many professional wrestling fans believe that this year has been one of the worst in a while, not only due to the mediocre in-ring product but the disappointing out-of-ring product as well. In my opinion, World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action dish out angles and matches of white gold greatness every week, except none of you out there wish to accept reality. Of course, I admit that these two companies manage to shell out bad entertainment too, but cup your eyes and open your ears--WWE and TNA are wonderful. Why should we complain? Why won't you admit that the only reason you attack these promotions with such harsh criticisms is because you enjoy complaining? You like to have your wrestling cheese with your scripted wine; you can't get enough of taking pictures of that whinenoceros at the Masterful Tussling Zoo. Feminine gentleman and masculine gentleman, I urge you, for this one week, to look on the brighter side of the wrestling industry. Do not hesitate to bask in the light of optimism. Your pale, brittle skin will thank you.
So, with zero amounts of adieu because it's hard to say goodbye to wrestling's yesterday, this artiicle starts now. The time on my watch tells me that it's analysis o'clock. The following piece is dedicated to the lovely days of January, February, March, Apil, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, and the forgotten thirteenth month that is Swervedtember. You are beautiful like what.
Faux Rosie O'Donnell versus Faux Donald Trump (WWE: January)
The build-up to Wrestlemania 23's Battle of the Billionaires was filled with highlights up the collective wazoo. McMahon employed an independent wrestler with Ace-Award-winning potential to play the Left-Leaning Lesbionic, Viewriffic, and Koosh Balltastic fighting Irishwoman. With a Carval Fudgie the Whale Ice Cream Cake in her Left-Leaning Lesbionic, Viewriffic, and Koosh Balltastic possession, Rosie waddled down to the ring to await her opponent's entrance. Moments later, "Money, Money, Money, Money (Mun-ay)" played over the speakers to cue the appearance of fake Donald Trump. Oh man, what crazy hair Faux Trump had. I guffawed two guffaws. At that moment, I wanted to propose marriage to this parody, but such a union is not permitted in my province. The two proceeded to have an excellent giant (Faux Rauxsie) versus little man (Faux Trauxmp) match. Oh woman, what crazy hair Faux Trump had. After twenty minutes of this mat classic, Fake Trump utilized dirty tactics and chucked that international object Fudgie the Whale at Rosie's Fudgie the Face. A swandive headbutt from Donald secured victory for the Trump brand and the lowly workers of Trump Tower. In the end, the arena gave the winner a standing ovation. "This one's for you, Ivanka, but not you, Donald Jr," said Faux Trump at no point during the match. Oh infant, what crazy hair Faux trump had. I give this battle five billion stars up in the midnight sky.
Christy Hemme versus Lazlo "Big Fat Oily Guy" van der Velden (TNA: February)
TNA's storyline between Christy Hemme and the Voodoo Kin Mafia (BG James and Kip James) proved to wrestling fans that woman are of equal social standing to men. Hemme transformed from an adorable bumper girl who said, "Coming up next, Samoa Joe does stuff" before commercial breaks to a passionate torch runner for women's rights. Millions of little girls who make up the majority of TNA's audience could finally root for a respectable heroine. Hemme went on to fight for the worthy cause of gender equality by facing TNA's version of the massive, rotund, oil-slicked exotic dancer from WWE. At this year's Final Resolution Pay-Per-View, the 2004 Diva Search Winner stripped the dancer of his tuxedo and got the pinfall. It was one more for the good girls. I thought the point of a tuxedo match was to rip the tuxedo off your opponent's body for the win, but I was (fortunately) mistaken. Hooray for you, TNA. During her post-match celebration, Kip James came out and took Hemme's top off to furious rounds of applause. Hemme displayed her equalities to the audience, then ran to the back to celebrate further. God speed, Miss Hemme. This battle got six stars in my non-existent newsletter.
Melina (c) versus Ashley Massaro (WWE: April)
From Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, Melina defended her prestigious WWE Women's Championship that she never put around her waist against 2006 Diva Search Winner and Playboy Covergirl Ashley Massaro. I have learned many lessons from the world of wrestling. One great lesson is that every girl's dream is to get naked for a magazine. Even the ugly ones enjoy showing their balloons and opening up their taco stand for the children. The Lumberjill Match was innovate in that women surrounded the ring instead of men. Also, I bet somebody really pushed for the name Lumberjill because they love to laugh. A writer thought it up in 1988 and kept the name to himself until 2007; I assume that his idea rewarded him with several riches. The lumberjills were Trinity, Kellandra Kellandra, Brooke, and Layla from ECW, Jillian Hall, Michelle Carribbean McCool, and Kristal Marshall from Smackdown, and Victoria, Mickie James, Torrance Wilson, and Candice Michelle from RAW. I gave this match a present before it even started. The finish involved Melina pinning Backwards Hat with a delayed bridge. After that, the lumberjills came in and brawled with each other because they could. I gave this match a second present for just being this match.
Kane versus Big Daddy V versus Mark Henry versus The Great Khali (WWE: October)
On the Halloween edition of ECW on Sci-Fi, four behemoths smashed their girth into one another to the delight of the crowd. The ring shook, the fans sat on the edge of their edgy seats, and I applauded with white-gloved hands from my theatre box seats. Bravo, gargantuans. With these rounds of applause, I encouraged them to show the world why big men are always better than smaller men. Big Daddy V and Mark Henry engaged in fisticuffs as Khali and Kane paired off to rekindle the feud of the century. A double clothesline of chunky proportions knocked V and Henry down to the mat; Khali saw some evil and kicked Kane in the face; Big Daddy V executed a flawless version of the Slippery Black Hole Slam on Big Reddy K. The order of elimination was as follows: V was eliminated by Kane like the proverbial hefty bag of garbage, Khali was eliminated by another double clothesline from Kane and Henry, and Kane was tossed over the top rope by Mark Henry. Kane lost, but at least he didn't get his wig split because he doesn't have hair. I gave this match an avalanche splash, but I ended up falling asleep in Big Daddy V's bosom. Comfortable.
In the month of October, we were treated to two potential match-of-the-year candidates that occurred on two consecutive days. The day before the Monster Mash disrupted the delicate balance of the wrestling world, the slow burn feud between Hornswoggle McMahon and Jonathan Coachman was brought into the ring on the October 2th edition of Monday Night Raw--complete with Warner Bros. cartoon-like antics and Mick Foley as the special guest referee. During the match, Hornswoggle showed off his leprechaun cruiserweight prowess with dropkicks to Coach's knee and a Reading Rainbow Wizard to his face. In Stephen Rivera's Smackdown vs. Raw 2008, Coachman has about a 98 rating, but I guess I didn't press the right button combinations during this bout. Highlights of the match included Hornswoggle using a miniature version of Socko to grip the Coach's testicles, which is never not a heterosexual act, and Hornswoggle finishing off Coachman with a Tadpole Splash. From this day forward, I enthusiastically declare that Hornswoggle vs. Coachman I will never leave my wrestling tape collection. This match between Hornswoggle and Coachman got a heel kick in the air from me. I've done it once whle Hornswoggle has done it 3,495,484,284,847.99 times.
Lazlo "Big Fat Oily Guy" van der Velden (TNA)
The Big Fat Oily Guy must've been dreamt during the following heavenly TNA creative meeting:
"Nobody does parody like us. WWE's Big Dick Johnson is ridiculous. Say, why don't we make a mockery out of their company by making our own version of the character? That will show them. TNA creative team disassemble. You will make many homestyle omelettes from all those eggs that will be on your face, World Wrestling Entertainment."
Big Fat Oily Guy was genius, lest we forget. Bow your head and thank the Lord for giving us this hilarious bounty of tubbiness.
Robert Roode is rich out of nowhere. Millionaire and billionaire wrestling gimmicks are the best. Where did Roode accrue his riches? I think he sold former Team Canada Manager Scott D'Amore for parts. D'Amore's hockey stick was a graphite Bauer, which sells for around $250 dollars alone on the market. Robert Roode is fully aware of value, though Ms. Brooks wants Roode to keep it. Oh, Traci Brooks, Roode didn't suddenly get rich from keeping expensive things. He sold his desirable wares and made his out-of-the-blue fortune the honest way. Now, be quiet and continue to stand there like a trampy secretary. The fans love it and you're an inspiration to me. I have recently adopted three trampy secretaries into my home.
This year, Cody Rhodes lost to Hardcore Holly a whole bunch, was RKOed by Randy Orton at random, and formed a tag team with Holly for an unknown purpose. At the same time, Rhodes birthed a tremendous gimmick of wearing yellow and green and existing as Dusty Rhodes' son. He plays his character with a level of panache unlike any other performer. When I watch him wrestle, I say to myself, "Wow, he is really Dusty's son. In the ring, there is no way that he is not the son of Dusty Rhodes. He will never be the daughter. He is always XY in my book of books. You can take that to the bank and smoke it."
In 2007, Snitsky matured and took responsibility for his actions. When he finally learned that it was truly his fault, he went into hiding and contemplated his five to ten-year life goals. He returned to ECW with a fury, attacking all comers with violent slams and deadly stares. His move to RAW later in the year was successful too, keeping his fabricated undefeated streak alive until Jeff Hardy recently ended it on RAW. Snitsky has yellow teeth. Snitsky is angry. Your pain is his pleasure. He snarls a lot. His character has four dimensions. Three of those dimensions are bald.
Chuck the Biker is a promising character. In recent weeks, Jamie Noble has made "Pulambo" look like a fool in the face of his friend Michelle Caribbean McCool, but Palumbo will get back at Noble somehow, perhaps by using his motorcycle as a weapon. I assume that one significant part of his revenge plan includes riding his bike. In actuality, all of Chuck's daily activities involve his motorcycle. Before the motorcycling version of the Undertaker, I was not aware that you could base a gimmick off of a wrestler's mode of transportation. Now that "Moto" Chuck Palumbo is here, I feel like borrowing my persona from the ride that I use. Sometimes, I like to take my Radio Flyer out for a spin. Within the rings of World Wrestling Entertainment, I shall adopt the gimmick of a red wagoner. I've come to entertain you, fans of WWE. My finshing move is called "The Tuesday and Friday Local Newspaper Delivery Service."
Road Warrior Animal (TNA)
Road Warrior Animal, the last surviving member of the legendary Legion of Doom, showed up at TNA's Slammiversary as the replacement partner of Rick Steiner in a battle against Team Three-Dimensions. Although I was looking forward to seeing the Steiners face Brother Ray and Brother Devon, I was pleasantly surprised to witness Animal wrestle once more in the ring. At Slammiversary, Road Warrior Animal executed a calvacade of holds and moves. He punched, he kicked, he punched and he kicked some more. My eyes had trouble keeping up with his rapid pace. Forget your Kurt Angles and Samoan Josephs because Road Warrior Animal proved to me that he was better than the rest. If I could see him again in the Heidenreich version of LOD, I would be happy. I pray to see their WWE return each and every night.
I don't think Jerry Lawler ever got the respect he deserved as an in-ring competitor, so here come the kudos. When I think of Jerry Lawler matches, I think of picture-perfect fists to the face. Secondly, I think of another picture-perfect fist to the face. After that, I ponder the notion of a piledriver that is somehow turned into a picture-perfect fist to the face. Finally, I envision a picture-perfect fist to the face from the middle turnbuckle. Jerry Lawler should be in ECW with his dangerous moveset. I enjoy his work to an immense degree, even though I'm sure there are those who believe that he tries to do too much in the ring. If you want proof of his wrestling prowess, watch his pair of matches with Santino. These matches turned Atheists into devout Christians.
The last time I saw the Boogeyman on ECW programming, he was giving worms out to children on All Hallows Eve Eve. If that doesn't tell you how talented he is, I don't know what action will. Sure, the Boogeyman is not the most technically sound wrestler, but he doesn't have to be. His talent can be found in how carries that staff with smoke coming out of it down the aisle, or in the impact of the large alarm clock against his painted face. Do not think less of the Boogeyman or I will think less of you. I will call him on his cell phone since he gets free Boogeynighttime minutes and ask him to get you. He doesn't execute suplexes because the worms do it for him. End of story.
Must I refer to the ECW Monster Mash Battle Royal once more to show you why Khali is awesome? I don't think I have to nor do I want to. Everyone and their surrogate mothers know that the Great Khali is the new wrestling machine. To the independent wrestlers out there waiting for their big break in the big leagues, take a page from Khali and learn how to squeeze stuff really hard with your hands. Khali started with a grape, worked his way up to an orange, and then took the air out of an inflatable punching bag with a clown on it. Today, he squeezes human heads for six figures. Dear pasty white tights, learn how to wrestle like Khali and you will make it. If you learn to chain wrestle, be prepared for a lifetime career wrestling at county fairs for leftover caramel apples and a knock-off Beanie Baby from Taiwan.
Kellandra Kellandra is a charming young lass. Every time I see her on ECW, I want to hug the television. She is like a baby kitten mixed in a basket with a koala and that creepy bear from the Downy commercials. She started off as an exhibitionst, but what she exhibits in the current ECW is wrestling talent. Her match with Layla from a few weeks ago was entertaining and perfectly crafted. When she executed that handspring elbow, she pulled off the handspring part of the move so well that Layla saw it and started to feel pain before the elbow. Take it from me that Kelly Kelly is the next Trish Stratus. Kelly Kelly knows how to get it done right. If you ever get the opportunity to have relations with Test, don't say no. He will make you a better wrestler and or performer. Like Kelly, certain personal experiences have taught me so. Actually, I don't want to talk about it. He was thinking about A-Train the entire time. If you will excuse me, I'm going to wash these memories from my conscience with alcohol and the viewing of a boob or five.
Brian and Brett Major - The Major Brothers (WWE)
Brian and Brett Major work well as a tag team because I can never tell them apart. If you told me that Brian had sandier hair, or that Brett liked to eat Thai food on Wednesday afternoons, I could decipher them. Then again, maybe my confusion enhances the team's charm. Now that I think of it, since World Wrestling Entertainment refuses to tell me anything about the brothers, I am more interested in their matches. They carry a certain mystique, a certain "Est-que je peu aller au toilette?" It feels as if I know everything about the Major Brothers because I know nothing. Go, Major Brothers, go. You are major superstars.
The team of Eugene and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan made no sense, but Super Crazy and Jim Duggan make super sense. Crazy and Duggan have so much in common. For instance, Super Crazy is a wrestler and so is Jim Duggan. In addition, Jim Duggan uses wrestling moves, plus Super Crazy uses wrestling moves. Jim Duggan carries around a 2x4 while Super Crazy notices that Jim Duggan has a 2x4 most of the time. They are brothers separated at birth. Lastly, Duggan's favourite catchphrases are "Ho!" and "U-S-A!" This is quite comical since Super Crazy believes that the United States of America is a fairly rotten skank as well. Do Crazy and Duggan have the same birthdays? Do they both like food? When will the likenesses end? They should start an arts and crafts club where they make dreamcatchers and talk about relationships, like a Ya-Ya Brotherhood of sorts.
If I was going to form a tag team, I would borrow the Team Pacman formula: one guy who gets to name the tag team after himself does nothing while the other guy has to do everything to compensate for the non-active partner. Of course, I would take the former role. To those of you who thought that this type of partnership would not work, what did you say when Jones and Killings won the TNA Tag Team Championship belts? Oops? In case you were not aware, Team Pacman was a talented duo. Ron Killings flipped a lot as Pacman stood on the apron in his BeDazzled boxers. Within the pages of great American novels, the American Dream was explained to me as a goal which involved standing around in BeDazzled apparel until stuff was given to you. Well, Adam Jones achieved the dream. One day, I will achieve it too. As a side note, I share some similarities with Pacman. Like Mr. Jones, I had a childhood nickname that was based on a classic video game character. The neighbourhood kids called me "Duck Hunt" because I tried several times to assassinate actress Helen Hunt by throwing dead ducks at her. Therefore, my tag team will be Team Duck Hunt.
John Cena has the strength of not one, but two men. I recall an infamous handicap tag match in which he defeated World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch by himself. Typical World Wrestling Entertainment tag matches involve one half of the team, usually the smaller member of the two, succumbing to consistent double-team moves by his opponents until he can make the desperate hot tag to his partner, who is able to clean house soon after. In this match, John Cena was so strong that he gave the hot tag to himself, in his own mind, using his own Jedi mind tricks. How did Cena get so powerful? At Wrestlemania 19, he was rapping at cardboard cutouts. In 2007, he could take on the entire RAW roster without help. I hope his pectoral muscle tear teaches him well. I want him to know that although Cena and Cena is the most popular tag team going today, he can't do it alone for the rest of his career. He'll most certainly need a clone to contine his reign of unstoppability.
The one-time appearance of Jillian Hall and Khosrow Daivari as Sandy and Danny from Grease comforted the world with a soft but temporary entertaining blanket. I loved it and the crowd wanted more, but the two would never tag again as Daivari was released from his contract a few weeks later. You know, World Wrestling Entertainment, you captured Grease Lighning in a Bottle. The day you understand that notion is the day that I will strive to love you once more. If you must tease my fragile heart, please give me warning beforehand. I am but a young man with a lot of adoration to give. I wish to hand some over to you WWE, but you won't let me.
The Playmaker - MVP (WWE)
In a legitimate fight, I like to place my leg over the back of my adversary's neck, grab his wrist, and twirl him back-of-the-neck first onto the ground. This particular technique garnered the attention of my high school wrestling coach, who recruited me onto the wrestling squad in a manner not unlike how that dog Bud from direct-to-DVD films gained a spot on various sports teams over regular humans, or how that monkey from similar direct-to-DVD films did the same. I applaud Montel Vontavious Porter for his finshing move. Also, I apprecitate his strenuous effort towards keeping Elix Skipper's Play of the Day in the hearts and minds of wrestling fans across North America. Elix Skipper is my Canadian and American Idol, people. He's got a Grey Gup ring. He's cash money any day of the week.
Cody Rhodes is a technical wrestling marvel. While the Triple Hs and the Undertakers of the world employ finishing moves that reflect their character, Cody Rhodes matches do not require the use of such interesting maneuvers. In fact, Cody is so adept at wrestling that all he has to do is execute a roll-up to gain an instant W. Cody Rhodes doesn't even need to name the move as anything other than the roll-up. The move is so effective that no flashy title can give it justice. This is no regular schoolboy. Even if it was, it would've been called a school man. As Rhodes ascends the chocolate ladder of World Wrestling Entertainment, he will not climb; he will perform several roll-ups until he gets to the top.
Like his Irish friend Finlay, Hornswoggle loves to fight. A fighting man needs two things in battle: outlandish facial hair and a spastic finishing move from a high place. According to my secret sources, Hornswoggle has both. If I had to guess, Hornswoggle adopted the Tadpole Splash during his lengthy moments of leisure time under the Smackdown ring. He probably started the day off with a Lite Brite self-portrait, then went into the den and studied Art Barr/Eddy Guerrero tapes. Hornswoggle is feeling froggy, but has not yet matured to the adult stage of amphibianesque development. You can do it, Horny. See the frog and you will be the frog. Just follow the Lucky Charms Trail of Wonder and Whimsy.
Christy Hemme's Flying Firecrotch Guillotine was my favourite move of the year. When Hemme violently attacks you with her female reproductive organ, you lie down and take it. When I first saw her perform that move from the top turnbuckle, my life changed for the better. I was able to breathe the fresh outdoor air like never before and smell the sweet roses of the world's homes and gardens. Bless you, Christy Hemme. May you find happiness in your awkward, televised make-out sessions with Lance Hoyt. Firecrotch forever, sadness never.
Because the target wrestling demographic yearned for Bob Backlund's return, he re-emerged on TNA programming at the beginning of the year. He fought and feuded with the likes of Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, and Austin Starr. Good times, great memories, best battles I have ever seen. With his arrival, Backlund's Crossface Chicken Wing made a fantastic comeback. I adore the Crossface Chickenwing because it's the same I perform to tame bears that I encounter in the Canadian wilderness. Sometimes I will give them Labatt Blue because the rivers flow yellow-brown with frothiness, while other times I will slap on the Crossface Chicken Wing on fidgety grizzlies. The only downside concerning Bob Backlund's stint with TNA is that he took up a great deal of television time, yet Disco Inferno appeared once and hasn't been seen since. I am perturbed, Backlund. May you suffer from acute Disco Fever.
