I love magazines. They are my favourite thing to read before appointments. Sometimes, as a younger version of myself, I would hang out in doctors' offices and dentists' waiting rooms reading ten magazines at once. Back then, I needed to know what was important and interesting in life in 100 pages or less. Today, I still look through magazines. They are the greatest and most socially relevant literature you will ever see. Why read books? Who wants that much text? I dislike books because they have little to no pretty pictures. Don't describe a forest if you don't have a forest to show me, famous writers of the past.
This week, I unveil a new feature article for The Swerved. Magamazining will look at the fascinating wrestling and grapping-related magazines of yesteryear. I will comment on the wrestlers, feuds, and storylines we all know and adore; I will analyze excerpts and passages from various issues with educational commentary. If there is enough time after that, I will teach wrestling fans how to read (There is never enough time for that.) The Swerved likes to get nostalgic so let me get freaky all up in that nostalgina of history. I'll be gentle. I'll hold the magazines close but not too close. I just want to explore magazines. Why do you have to judge me? Exploring a magazine is a beautiful experience.
In my first installment, I take a gander at the first edition of WCW/NWO Magazine--originally released in the late spring of 1998. Stick around and bask in the memories of World Championship Wrestling and the New World Order. Oh, La Parka. I have never and will never leave your side. You mean too much to me. Don't cry for me, Vincent. The great days may be over, but I will never forget you either.
(click images to enlarge)
The Outsiders appear to be worthy cover models. Their sunglasses are sunglassier than usual. Scott Hall pulls a Joey Gladstone and asks the fans of World Championship Wrestling to "Cut. It. Out." Kevin Nash wears a bandana all wrong and presents to the readers their t-shirts they had made at the local NWO Mall. In my opinion, The Outsiders are one of the best tag teams in the history of professional wrestling. Why? Did you ever see The Hart Foundation wear matching mall t-shirts? How about The Midnight Express? How about Norman Smiley and Shark Boy? No. I rest my case. This cover is worth $4.95 Canadian alone.
Colin Bowman pleads his case with the creation of WCW/NWO Magazine. He stresses that the transformation has not changed his views nor standing in life ("This is not a sell-out!") He is not with WCW and he is not with the NWO. You know what that means? Colin Bowman is part of the World Wrestling Federation. Damn you, Bowman. Take your Attitude and get out of here. I don't need your stones that are cold. I don't need your Mike Tyson crotch chops. Let me enjoy my WCW in peace. Mike Schiavone called. He said you suck.
World Championship Wrestling's mail box is filled with interesting insight. Tag Talk allows wrestling fans to chime in about the characters they love and hate on a national and international stage. Rebecca Thornside of Cincinnati, Ohio is but one of several fans who sound off on 1998 WCW:
Dear Tag Talk,
I think the best move in the world was for Juventud Guerrera to take off that mask! Although I know it was a sad day for him, many of my female friends felt quite the opposite after seeing his face. Chris Jericho may call Juvi "Quasimodo" but to the women out there, he belongs way up their in the HOT category. Jericho, you did the women wrestling fans a favor by showing the real man behind the mask. The heat rose in Cincinnati the night Juventud took off his mask!
Juventud Guerrera stars as Rugiero Noreaga, a professional wrestler by day and a professional lover by night in "Night Horse and the Passion Police" (the telenovela in my mind); Rebecca Thornside will most definitely enjoy this show. In the program, Lizmark Jr tries hide the fact that he is actually Lizmark Jr's evil twin, Bisquick Jr, from his entire family. Ciclope attempts to assassinate Santa Claus to make Halloween superior to Christmas. Lastly, Silver King falls in love with a poor but gorgeous maiden named Pewterella. Will Silver Queen find out about the love affair between a man and woman from opposing classes? Tune in never because a show this great will never make it to television.
I don't believe in the Armstrong Curse; I just believe in the Armstrongs. The author of this review claims that Goldberg is a "man who wastes no time." Now that I think about it, Goldberg should not have been called the Man, but the Man With Great Organizational Skills. At Superbrawl VIII, Goldberg defeats Armstrong with the Jackhammer (Goldberg's time management gimmick would make this move the Rolodex) in just over 2:16 to continue Goldberg's streak of 88 and 0, 110 and 0, or whatever number the WCW Announce Team thinks it to be at that moment.
Double A receives a plaque for being special. Is he really that special? I agree with the magazine that Arn Anderson is "probably the most underrated wrestler of this and every generation." At the same time, I have won numerous participation ribbons in my career. Don't I deserve a plaque, a WCW Monday Nitro on TNT polo shirt, and a pair of glasses that was once owned by a pharmacist? I will answer all of the aforementioned questions with an emphatic yes. Yes, I do deserve all of those things. Arn Anderson is the Enforcer, but I am the master of balancing an egg on a spoon while walking. Oh, I won two participation ribbons for that trick. How are you going to one-up that, Arn? You're not. End of story. I just spinebustered your mind, didn't I?
Kevin Nash points at me or at the facial hair on his chin while Scott Hall chews on his invisible toothpick. "Listen up you computer geeks!" No, I will not listen for I am not a computer geek. I am a computer processing unit enthusiast. I don't care how cool you are, Hall and Nash. You cannot talk to fans like that. If I go to NWOwrestling.com, are you just going to steal my pocket protector and give me a wedgie? Well, you won't. I don't own a pocket protector; I own a pen protector. And how can you give a wedgie to a man who goes commando? Yes, I do not wear undergarments because the ladies requested so. The middleman is gone for their benefit, not mine. In conclusion, my week will not be spent "getting hooked up" on any "action" which involves the two of you. If it's too "sweeeeeeeet" to miss, I'll miss it. By the way, you used the letter e too much. You have deprived third world nations of e. Thanks a bundle, trundles. You guys are entertaining, but do you know how to spell?
Kimberly Page, the leader of the WCW Nitro Girls, gives that come hither look to the handsome readers of the magazine. For shame, Kim. Does the sanctity of marriage mean anything to you? Sure, your figure is very alluring, but I know that Diamond Dallas Page would hit the Diamond Cutter on me if I was to ever touch you. He can execute that Diamond Cutter from anywhere, fair madam. Do you know who tore down the Berlin Wall? Lots of people, but secretly, Diamond Dallas Page slapped a Diamond Cutter on that wall all the way from the United States of America. Your unspoken request for my body to do things to your body is tempting though I will have to deny it. Physical relations is physical relations, but I don't need DDP there. He'll spoil the mood. You have felt his bang, but I do not want to.
Let me know if Fyre is available, though.
Why, Kimberly, why? No wonder why you are separated from DDP. I should stop wearing jeans and hats that fit me. They are gaining the attention of too many females. I want to inspire lives. I don't want to ruin them with my attractiveness.
The Nitro Girls pose for a picture that has too much pink in it. Spice is at the top doing Jazz Hands or New Age Pantomime. At the bottom left of the picture, Whisper is getting ready to marry Shawn Michaels and she doesn't even know it. She's humming Sexy Boy in her head. Kimberly Page is humming my theme song ("Baby It's You" by JoJo) even though I don't want her to. Fyre is there ignoring me as always. Why you gotta play me like that, girl? I just want to get to know you. Since World Wrestling Entertainment loves to show divas on television, why don't they form their own version of the Nitro Girls? Call them the RAWettes and have them do a jig for two minutes. The Nitro Girls worked because they entertaining for the precise amount of time they danced on the entranceway or near the announce desk. They entered, they danced, and they were out of there without taking screen time away from the wrestlers. Two minutes of Nitro Girls was wonderful. Ten minutes of non-wrestling RAW Divas trying to act or do comedy is not.
In a certain light, such as this one, Gene Okerlund scares the human waste out of me. If I call the WCW Hotline on a Saturday night, will he slip a drug in my drink and have his way with me? I do not want a made-for-television movie based off of Okerlund taking advantage of a young and impressionable professional wrestling analyst. I am the head cheerleader at my high school, for goodness sake. I want to go to Yale to get my degree in fashion design. I will not let Gene gain entry into my virginal garden. For those of you who wish to go back in time to the year 1998 to call the hotline, remember to do so with caution. Sure, someone like Mark Madden will do no harm from Thursday to Tuesday, but Wednesday night is his time to party. The cost is only $1.99 per minute yet the trauma that results from the WCW Hotline experience costs more than money. It can cost you your innocence.
Part one of reminiscing about WCW ends with the magazine asking you to reminisce about WCW. For the low price of six dollars, you can own your very own copy of WCW Magazine featuring Steve Michael in the 4 Horsemen. One issue from 1995 features Hulk Hogan cupping his ear. He's listening for the arrival of a delivery truck that holds his lost muscle mass. Out of the featured issues, my favourite one comes in the form of issue 16 from 1996. The cover depicts The Giant in "The Hotseat". Unless my eyes are fooling me, "The Hotseat" looks like a forest. The Giant is getting ready to chokeslam a coyote. The Giant wanders the wilderness in search of his lost compass. The Giant is going to kill the man who shot Bambi's mother. Get that guy, pre-Big Show. Get him good.
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