In all my years of writing on the Internet, I have been called many names. Some of those names were complimentary to my physical appearance, while others have been kind to my intelligent mind. If I have one regret in my life, it is that I have never been called "stupid." Despite my numerous attempts to adopt this name in place of my own, it hasn’t happened for me. Judging from the way I’ve been treated, I don't believe it is ever going to happen. This realization is why I am mad jealous of one Kofi Kingston.
At the end of a recent match between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston, Randy christened Kofi as the personification of stupid. I'm not sure what I would give up to have this wonderful title placed unto me, but let me assure you that I would give up plenty. Wherever you are in this smart world, I tip my hat to you, Kofington. I tip my whole collection of hats toward you.
To give wrestling fans a general idea of what it means to be Kofi Kingston and stupid, I have created a system that will differentiate a stupid Kingston from a really stupid Kingston. Similar to the U.S. Homeland Security Threat Level Chart, this chart will inform citizens about Kingston-esque stupidity in their area. As the creator of this system, I highly recommend fans to refer to this chart whenever they are watching WWE programming and or Kofi Kingston.
In the years to come, I hope this chart will serve as an effective teaching tool for those who are thirsty for stupid knowledge. As a precaution, I urge Kofi Kingston to refrain from reading this chart. You will be confused for you are dumb.
Kofi Kingston does many stupid things. If you have witnessed someone do one of the following things, that guy is stupid, but not Kofi Kingston stupid as of yet. Urge him to keep at it.
- He brushes his teeth, using someone else's tube of toothpaste. After he brushes his teeth, he forgets to screw the cap back onto the tube.
- He walks down to the ring, which holds Randy Orton, John Cena and WWE Champion Sheamus. Even though he hasn't shown why he should receive a shot at the WWE Championship, he demands one anyway. At least he was invited... by nobody.
- He boom drops you through a table, which was a perfectly serviceable table until he came along. The fact that he hates tables just as much as another human being is disturbing to you.
- He suddenly drops his Jamaican accent, allowing Triple H to make a funny. That should never happen.
- The weird space between his pectorals is vast, which is almost as distracting as Rob Van Dam's weird butt sweat. Almost.
To reach this level of stupidity takes guts, perseverance, and the will to be stupid. At this level, you are hesitant to call him stupid, but you want to. Next time, suggest that he work hard, play hard, and live hard. Then, maybe one day, you won't have to second guess yourself anymore.
- He watches the 1993 Disney film Cool Runnings. Immediately, he identifies with the four Jamaican bobsledders who competed at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Although, he hails from Massachusetts.
- He watches the 1993 Disney film Cool Runnings for the second time. Once again, he identifies with the four Jamaican bobsledders who competed at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. On his second viewing, he cheers for the Germans.
- He wears a Jamaican-themed track suit, yet refuses to put on a fitting pair of Jamaican-themed track pants. He hopes this devilish move proves to the ladies that out of all the men in the arena, he can get his pants off the fastest.
- He wears colourful sweatbands, but does not do so to wipe the sweat from his forehead during matches. Apparently, he only wears sweatbands because they keep his wrists warm in the winter.
- He works with WWE to create his first logo. Combining the biggest influences in his life (Bob Marley and vegetables), he comes up with a picture of a Rastafarian turnip.
He works hard to be stupid. He works so hard to be stupid. He works hard to be stupid so Randy Orton better get his name right. Even though the man may not see him, Randy is close to throwing a fit at the moment. Randy is slamming the mat, yelling at the referee, and kicking the ropes. That stupid man is making Randy hate mats, referees, and ropes. That's hatred for two physical objects and one living object. That stupid man is doing great.
- He vandalizes your customized stock car, featuring your likeness, which was given to you as a gift. As payback, he encourages you to vandalize his customized stock car, featuring his likeness, which was given to him as a gift. What a sneaky, no-customized-stock-car-having bastard.
- He transforms into former TGIF child star Jaimee Foxworth by letting down his hair, shaving his face, and taking copious amounts of estrogen pills. He endures this process in order to appear at Family Matters conventions as a grown-up Judy Winslow, stealing Foxworth's loyal fanbase.
- He shows off his agility by leaping into the corner and showering his opponent with ten punches. It appears as though his unique way of leaping into the corner does not give him a particular offensive advantage, but lets him put his junk in his opponent's face without delay.
- WWE Diva Kelly Kelly is about to take a shower. She walks into your kitchen, wearing a towel while holding a loofah on a stick. Kelly asks for some cleansing assistance, emphasizing the need to have someone clean her back area. The man, in full ring attire, leaves an entire glass and pitcher of orange juice on the table in order to tend to her. Orange juice isn't free, you stupid man.
- Learning a important lesson from his former tag team partner CM Punk, he gains an appreciation for Pepsi. Unfortunately, the only brand that seems to quench his thirst is Holiday Spice Pepsi.
He's done it now. You and Randy Orton want to have a word with him — a stupid word. Randy is about ready to rough him up real good. While he is working the body, he will ask you to hold the man down. Assist Randy, but get in a few shots for yourself.
- During a Jamaican rainstorm, he increases the degree of trouble experienced in paradise by sporadically removing tiny umbrellas from vacationers' drinks.
- He continues to team up with Mark Henry to gain the power to break through walls and promote the nutritional benefits of Kool-Aid.
- When he walks down the ramp, he slaps hands with fans. Although it appears that he desires to have a close and friendly relationship with his fans, he only slapped hands with them because he thought they were going to give him secret, 20-dollar tips for a job well done.
- Due to careless mispronunciations of his name, he gains revenge on Sharon Osbourne, Kyle Busch, and Joey Logano. First, he runs over Busch and Logano with your vandalized stock car. Next, he dunks in Sharon Osbourne's face. Sharon tries to defend the dunk, but commits her sixth foul in the game of life.
- Wondering what it feels like to kick an unsuspecting Bret Hart in the groin, he kicks an unsuspecting Bret Hart in the groin. In your opinion, he shouldn't have done it while Bret was relieving himself, though.
He has finally done the somewhat improbable. The individual in question has turned himself from an elderly Korean woman into WWE Superstar Kofi Kingston. At this point, you don't know whether to shake his hand or call him stupid. Either way, he's golden. If you were a police officer, you would send him to jail for stealing Kofi’s identity. Then again, perhaps the original Kofi Kingston is the impostor now.
- In a contest against his rival "The Viper" Randy "'Hot Viper' Roddy Viper" Orton "Viper," he ends up out of position for a punt to the head. Moments later, he is out of position for an RKO, urging Randy Orton to call him "stupid" many times over. In response, WWE tries to turn him into a RAW main eventer, only for the man to be out of position when the time comes.
- He coaxes the audience into joining him for a rousing set of thunder claps. On the surface, it appears as though he is getting the WWE Universe involved in the show. In actuality, he is using these thunder claps to summon Usher, Li'l Jon, and The East Side Boyz, otherwise known as the 4 Crunkers of the Apocalypse.
- Late for his cue, he sprints out to the ring, trying to save Roddy Piper from a Randy Orton punt. Not only is he late to save Piper, he is late to save humanity from the rise of the machines.
- He wants to know how many baby carrots will fit in his mouth. After borrowing your bowl of baby carrots, he empties the contents into his mouth. Surprisingly, he admits that didn't really want to find out how many baby carrots he could fit in his mouth. He was just hungry for carrots.
- Despite sound advice from popular Jamaican singers, he continues to be worried, thereby making him consistently unhappy.
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