My Royalest of Rumbles

You are one of thirty. The rumble. The Swerved Royal Rumble. Thirty men. Thirty fellows. Thirty gentle guys, fighting for one chance, a single spot only once per calendar year. An express ticket to WrestleMania. WrestleMania for you and a guest. Thirty sweaty males. One ring, one rated-PG dream. One winner. You, or you, or you are... you are that one — the one. Triple H is the one. Who will be the other one to win The Swerved Royal Rumble? The Swerved Royal Rumble. Written several days ago and only available on the Internet.

At the very first rumble for The Swerved, Kofi Kingston won that express ticket. This victory motivated him to emanate from Ghana for some reason. This time, everyone has a shot and a chance to hail from West Africa. Anyone can take that ring, which people tell me is brass. While I only like to reach for gold or white gold rings, I'll let these 30 WWE Superstars fight for it instead. You never know who could come out on top. Perhaps it could be Kofi Kingston for the second time in two years. On the other hand, it could be nobody. How surprised would you be if nobody won? I would be double surprised.

As this young event becomes an annual tradition, expect bigger and better rumbles. Expect rumbles with 60, 90, and finally 180 men. Consider the possibility of double and triple eliminations. Think about a rumble in which the goal is to make the most best friends for life. No matter how bland and boring WWE's Royal Rumble may get, The Swerved will never let you down.

This year's rumble is brought to you by Orville Redenbacher's Gravity. Remember, gravity makes this rumble possible, but Orville Redenbacher makes it tasty.


The Swerved Royal Rumble Rules:
- A total of 30 participants will compete in this match: twelve RAW Superstars, twelve Smackdown Superstars, six ECW Superstars (because ECW doesn't really exist, like Carson Daly), and zero Impact Superstars.
- Taking into account the champions and challengers who will compete in singles matches at the actual Royal Rumble, I have whittled down the list of individuals available to compete in the match to the aforementioned number. The short list of participants have the following, rumble-friendly qualities: charisma, athleticism, stamina, the will to win, and the will to stand around, periodically punching and half-heartedly lifting whoever and whatever surrounds you.
- The entrance number for each rumble participant will be determined by a particular, state-of-the-art method that has never been used in professional wrestling. People from the future call this method the "Draw Names From A Hat While Wondering What Became of Your Life Method.” Obviously, I have perfected this method.
- All 30 names will be returned to the hat to begin the rumble. At that point, every time I draw a name from the hat, I shall contemplate living out my dream by finally enrolling in dance aerobics school. Simultaneously, the name of the wrestler that I draw from the hat shall be eliminated by a second drawn name. After the elimination, the second name drawn will return to the hat, eligible to compete with the remaining names.
- The last remaining name will be the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble in the year 2010.
- If I had to guess, The Swerved Royal Rumble will be superior to WWE's Royal Rumble because I will never charge you fifty bucks to see it. I will charge you forty-nine dollars, but you will get a free, birthday gift bag (even though it not your birthday or gift bag).


RAW ParticipantsTriple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, The Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Carlito, Santino Marella


Notable InclusionsEvan BourneSince Evan Bourne's move to RAW, he has won many matches. When I talk about winning many matches, I mean winning about two matches against Jack Swagger. And when I mean winning about two matches against Jack Swagger, I mean losing almost every match against everyone. Despite his poor win-loss record, Evan Bourne deserves a spot in The Swerved Royal Rumble because he's a cheer-worthy underdog who is fun to watch. Also, he reminds me of a certain, nerdy kid in high school who played fantasy card games, ate SpaghettiOs out of a Thermos, and couldn't make eye contact with pretty girls. That kid... was you, wasn't it? I want to beat you up so bad right now. Meet me behind the Burger King after school so I can beat you up so bad.


CarlitoHe won the United States Championship on his first night with the company (against John Cena, no less). He is a multiple-time Intercontinental Champion. Most recently, he was a World Tag Team and Unified Tag Team Champion. With all those notches in his Caribbean belt, you would think that he would be an obvious choice for the rumble, but you wouldn't be right. In my opinion, Carlito's cheap, baggy pants have been weighing him down. Until he gets some gear that doesn't make noise when he walks in them, I am uncertain. On second thought, he has Sideshow Bob hair. Well, okay. He may enter.


Santino MarellaSantino's tremendous appearance in the 2009 Royal Rumble gives him a golden ticket to my royalest of rumbles. Once he wins it all, I fully expect each and every woman in the world to get in the kitchen and make him a celebratory pie. As he eats the pie, say something nice about his physical features; he would greatly appreciate it.


Notable Exclusions
Chris MastersEver since Chris Masters showed the world his dancing pectorals, the people were glued to their television sets, watching them bad boys bounce. Hypnotizing the WWE Universe with his man-boob dances, Masters has solidified his spot in the promotion for many years to come. Does his extraordinary talent guarantee him a spot in The Swerved Royal Rumble? Well, can he throw opponents over the top rope via pectoral dance? He can't? Then, no.


HornswoggleBecause Triple H and Shawn Michaels are in the rumble, millions of little children would like to believe that D-X's adorable mascot would be in the match as well. To those hopeful, little children, I have some news for you: Hornswoggle is not in this rumble, nor will he ever be in this rumble. In a related story, you are adopted. End of news. Nevertheless, it's funny that Hornswoggle is friggin’ small, right? He's smaller than men and women of average height. Hilarious.


PrimoFrom the looks of it, Primo Colon is hesitant to shave his high school moustache due to its power to attract girls of a teen age. The young ladies of San Juan Secondary School dig Primo's ability to grow facial hair. If he has that much facial hair, he must drive a cool car, or know someone who knows someone who met Jennifer Lopez. For your information, I am not a teenage girl. Therefore, I am not impressed.


Smackdown ParticipantsBatista, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Luke Gallows, Kane, John Morrison, The Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler, Finlay, Matt Hardy, R-Truth, David Hart Smith


Notable Inclusions
Dolph ZigglerLast year, Ziggler did not participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble, but times have changed. Back then, it was 2009. One year later, it's not 2009. I, for one, feel sorry for Ziggler. He had it tough for a while. He didn't get the Intercontinental Championship, then didn't get the Intercontinental Championship before not getting the Intercontinental Championship again. Somewhere in there, he kind of dated and broke up with Maria. The last thing he needs is to be by himself, which is why I've decided to place him in the company of 29 other dudes. Support him, guys. He is perfection.


Luke GallowsThe instant that Luke Gallows was washed of his sins by a magical hobo, I struggled to find a way to show my appreciation. If you ask me, living a straight-edge lifestyle is rather difficult. Lately, I've been trying and failing to be straight-edge. Just when I think I can get through the day without doing drugs, I suddenly trip and fall into a heap of them. Half of the time, I don't even know what drugs I'm ingesting. I just end up putting my face in a bag of drugs, awaiting the result. Although I try to live a good life, I'm not Luke Gallows. If he's better than me — and few men are — he deserves to be in my rumble.


R-TruthAccording to R, he knows how to move thangs, which makes him the only WWE Superstar to have thang-moving skills. Someone who knows a thing or two concerning the movement of thangs has an big advantage in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Even though his thang-moving skills haven't been tested yet, I believe him. If he wasn't telling the truth, wouldn't his name be R-Lie?


Notable Exclusions
Kung Fu NakiI have been informed that Kung Fu Naki has previous engagements in Nagasaki. In his place, the second most ethnic wrestler on the Smackdown roster shall serve as his substitute. In other words, win it for Kung Fu Naki, Finlay. He's counting on you.


Cryme TymeI refuse to give two valuable spots to Shad Gaspard and JTG for one minor reason: they don't deserve to have them. At no point in their professional wrestling careers have they shown me the character, integrity, and respect required to gain entrance into The Swerved Royal Rumble. In addition, I bet they have something better to do, such as perpetuate the negative stereotype that urban youth hate participating in multiple-man, gimmick matches.


Eric EscobarEric Escobar did not enjoy seeing Vickie Guerrero in her négligée. Edge did not enjoy the sight either, but you don't see him bragging about it. Go away, sir.


ECW ParticipantsWilliam Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, Shelton Benjamin, Zack Ryder, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust


Notable Inclusions
Yoshi TatsuGiven that Evan Bourne is no longer part of ECW, Yoshi Tatsu has become the new Evan Bourne. Actually, Yoshi Tatsu and Evan Bourne share numerous similarities. For one, Yoshi has the quickness and agility of one Evan Bourne. Furthermore, Mr. Tatsu has the fans behind him during the good and the bad. Most of all, Yoshi Tatsu, like Evan Bourne, is Japanese. Due to ECW's thin roster, Yoshi is a no-doubter. This statement means that there is no doubt that Yoshi Tatsu should participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble. This statement does not mean that Yoshi Tatsu is a four-piece rock band from Orange County, California, led by Gwen Stefani.


Zack RyderAs I write and you read, Jersey Shore has become a cultural phenomenon. Across America, responsible teens and their infant children want to be as cool as those Italian individuals from New Jersey. As WWE entertains and we pretend to be entertained, Zack Ryder has made himself an ECW star. Ryder's mere association with the Jersey kind is proof enough that he belongs in my rumble. You know what they say: if you can't beat them, put them in your hypothetical version of the Royal Rumble.

Vladimir KozlovThey said he couldn't do it. They said he couldn't be somebody special. They said Vladimir Kozlov could not wrestle, but guess what, They? Vladimir Kozlov got it done, and is currently doing what you said he couldn't do. Honestly, why should I listen to They if They isn't going to give Kozlov a chance? The Swerved Royal Rumble is Kozlov's match to win, no matter what They says. I feel like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side at the moment. Soon enough, Kozlov will be drafted by the Baltimore Ravens.


Notable Exclusions
Trent Barreta & Caylen CroftWhen there's something strange in the neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Not Trent Barreta, nor Caylen Croft. I ain't afraid of no Trent Barreta, nor no Caylen Croft because they're not in my rumble. In their young WWE careers, Barreta and Croft have accomplished a lot. For example, they showed up on the SyFy Channel, which is ten title wins in itself. Besides, they will get every opportunity to be in future rumbles. In fact, I will put them in next year's rumble, but they must bring Curt Hawkins with them. I just like his company. He's a good listener.


The HurricaneAt one time, I loved The Hurricane. Today, I don't love The Hurricane. Like The Rock, I was under the impression that The Hurricane was actually The Hamburglar. I was ready, willing, and able to give The Hurricane a spot in this rumble, but he let me down. He doesn't steal hamburgers. The Hurricane is simply the personification of a natural, violent, and tropical wind. No dice/hamburgers.


Vance ArcherHe has a lower back tattoo.


Entrance Order:
1) Shelton "He's Going To WrestleMania To Face Triple H Somehow" Benjamin
2) Goldust
3) Shawn Michaels
4) Santino Marella
5) Jack Swagger
6) Yoshi Tatsu
7) Luke Gallows
8) Triple H
9) Carlito
10) Dolph Ziggler
11) Vladimir Kozlov
12) CM "Body Hair Only" Punk
13) Zack Ryder
14) William Regal
15) Batista
16) (Fit) "Do It For Your Fellow Countrymen" Finlay
17) Mark Henry
18) The Great Khali
19) Cody Rhodes
20) John Morrison
21) Kofi Kingston
22) R-Truth
23) The Big "Well It's Big, Big, Big, Big" Show
24) Chris "See You On RAW" Jericho
25) David Hart Smith
26) Kane
27) John Cena
28) Matt "Get Your Popcorn Ready, Obese Teenage Girls" Hardy
29) Evan Bourne
30) Ted "Joe Linwood" DiBiase


Order of Elimination
Elimination 1: CarlitoTriple H eliminates Carlito by throwing his baggy pants up and over the top rope. Clearly, this is a message from WWE to Carlito. They want him to get new pants.

Elimination 2: Shawn MichaelsIn a shocking turn of events, Zack Ryder eliminates Shawn Michaels by putting a lot of gel in HBK's hair. The Bible does not look down on speciality hair products, but it doesn't look up to them either.

Elimination 3: Triple HThe other half of D-Generation X is eliminated when Dolph Ziggler played The Game and won The Game. This successful playing of The Game has earned Dolph Ziggler a coveted spot in the WrestleMania pre-show battle royal. Meanwhile, Hunter will be competing in a special main event, otherwise known as the final championship match at WrestleMania XXVI.

Elimination 4: BatistaThe Big Show is really happy for Batista and is gonna let him finish going over the top rope, but outdated Kanye West joke poorly done on Monday Night RAW.

Elimination 5: David Hart SmithChris Jericho eliminates David Hart Smith because Smith's uncle talked to that random guy on RAW before he talked to Jericho. Who was that dude anyway?

Elimination 6: Shelton BenjaminYoshi Tatsu eliminates Shelton Benjamin, proving that there is, in fact, stoppin' him. Yeah.

Elimination 7: John MorrisonThe Great Khali eliminates John Morrison in slow motion, which is Khali's regular speed of movement.

Elimination 8: William RegalThe Great Khali follows Morrison's elimination by throwing Regal out of the ring. Khali is on a roll, except that he does not have the co-ordination required to balance himself on a round piece of bread.

Elimination 9: The Great KhaliVladimir Kozlov eliminates The Punjabi Playboy by spreading butter on Khali's roll. This move proves to be delicious and beneficial for him.

Elimination 10: R-TruthMatt Hardy eliminates R-Truth because he could move some thangs better than him. Also, he slapped him in the face with an actual tornado. That's not nice, Matthew. Now apologize. Or, is it too late to?

Elimination 11: GoldustFinlay eliminates Goldust in honour of Kung Fu Naki. Kung Fu Forever.

Elimination 12: CM PunkMark Henry eliminates CM Punk by throwing him over the top rope like a hairy bag of garbage. You know the kind. I don't have to explain it.

Elimination 13: Kofi KingstonDolph Ziggler eliminates Kofi Kingston, taking his prestigious spot in the company. Every Monday, Randy Orton shall verbally chastise Ziggler in front of millions of people.

Elimination 14: Vladimir KozlovZack Ryder eliminates Vladimir Kozlov by hitting him with a loaded, pantless leg. I like to call that weapon a leg.

Elimination 15: Ted DiBiaseThe Second Marine is no more when Luke Gallows eliminates Ted DiBiase by creating an explosion in the middle of the ring.

Elimination 16: The Big ShowWell, it's not The Big Show because Matt Hardy just eliminated him. Anytime Matt Hardy succeeds, his hairline recedes. Therefore, WWE can't let Matt succeed too much.

Elimination 17: Yoshi TatsuEvan Bourne eliminates his doppelganger Yoshi Tatsu by selecting attack, choosing the lightning spell, and pressing B. He celebrates Tatsu's elimination by watching a Dragon Ball Z marathon.

Elimination 18: KaneFinlay eliminates Kane by befriending him, starting up a jazz fusion band called "Fire & Brimstone," and quickly breaking up the band in order to begin his solo career.

Elimination 19: John CenaFinlay eliminates John Cena with hustle, loyalty, and disrespect.

Elimination 20: Evan BourneSantino Marella eliminates Evan Bourne by showing him a diagram of a woman's anatomy. Bourne thought it was a typographical map of Madagascar.

Elimination 21: Santino MarellaMark Henry eliminates Santino Marella by showing him a diagram of his own anatomy. Marella thought it was a typographical map of Big Daddy V.

Elimination 22: Cody RhodesZack Ryder eliminates Cody Rhodes by putting kneepads on him, which hampered Cody’s mobility in the ring. Those knees gotta be free.

Elimination 23: Luke GallowsJack Swagger hands Luke Gallows a Flintstones Chewable tablet. Does that count as a drug, or what? Gallows is confused all the way out of the ring.

Elimination 24: FinlayZack Ryder eliminates Finlay, bringing great shame to Kung Fu Naki. Finlay is never going to get that dowry.


Elimination 25: Dolph ZigglerMark Henry eliminates Dolph Ziggler. I thought Dolph ziggled professionally. I guess he’s nothing more than an amateur.

Elimination 26: Matt HardyZack Ryder eliminates Matt to save Hardy’s hairline. You, you, you. You're welcome, Matt.

Elimination 27: Chris Jericho"The All-American American" eliminates "The Some-American Canadian" by discarding Jericho's thesaurus.

Elimination 28: Mark HenryJack Swagger eliminates Mark Henry because of the fat.

Elimination 29: Zack RyderJack Swagger eliminates Zack Ryder by doing a push up.


Winner: Jack SwaggerJack Swagger receives a World Championship shot at WrestleMania XXVI. Eventually, his championship match will turn into a three-way. A week or two before WrestleMania XXVI, Jack Swagger will be removed from the match. Congratulations, Jack.