3: Part 1

Once in a lifetime, a website comes along that changes the world and makes people think. As a fantastic source for news and entertainment on the internet, this particular site is equal parts popular and informative. Individuals from all walks of life flock to this site for their daily and weekly fix of knowledge. In a time in which the tears of sufferers flood the streets and avenues with sadness, this site serves as the two-ply paper towels that can soak up those tears. What I talk about when I talk about this site is a place that will last in the hearts and minds of us all, in life and in death. This website to which I am referring is The Screwed with Stephane Ribeiro. Sparkle, sparkle, you magnificent crystal. As for The Swerved, a recent poll claims that people think it is okay sometimes and racist or sexist at other times. I will take that poll as a compliment.

After three successful years, The Swerved has become the grizzled veteran of professional wrestling blogs, teaching young blogs how to make everyone laugh, love, and keep it regular. I am much like The Iron Sheik in that regard, complete with twirled moustache. As I look back on these three years, I remain proud. For one, I am proud of the quality work I have done and continue to do. Then, I am a little ashamed. Next, I am happy again before feeling embarrassed. Moments later, I start hating myself until I feel hungry. Finally, in a panic of what to do or feel next, I punch a respected member of society in the gut, such as a nun or a crossing guard.

In its current state, the wrestling industry is engaged in a losing battle with mixed martial arts. While millions and millions of frustrated fans turn to the UFC to get their helping of overly-tattooed guys touching each other in questionable places, World Wrestling Entertainment has responded with more Hornswoggle than your horn can swoggle. Fortunately or unfortunately for you, The Swerved will not leave you for it always cover the sane world of professional wrestling. I do not care how bad it gets. If anything, the sorry state of wrestling will only give the site more material.

How long will The Swerved last, nobody asks? Well, The Swerved will be around for a little while longer. If you enjoy this site and wish to see it around for the long run, have your say in the comments. In the future, I will continue to make changes to the site in order to keep things fresh and lively. You, the readers, can help me go on by simply doing what you do. As long as you're here, so will I. For everyone who has helped this site in the past, present, and future, mad props to you. Your complementary floozy is in the mail via express delivery.


Thank Yous
Thank you, World Wrestling Entertainment, for being the worldwide leader in sports entertainment. You invented the term "sports entertainment." Therefore, you should continue to lead whatever that category may be for you. I am the leader of literary sports. You can't touch me there, so don't even, man. Don't even.

Thank you, Total Nonstop Action, for totally never stopping your action. Although people continue to think that TNA is some sort of company that sells erotic furniture, I know the truth. Don't you stop, TNA and Dixie Carter. You are no more than twenty years away from WWE officially acknowledging your presence.

Thank you, D-Generation X, for bringing soldiers and miniature tanks back into WWE. Many years have past since soldiers and miniature tanks have been popular in wrestling. With that said, I think it's about time you bring them back. Soldiers and tanks can be used for many important tasks, such as making juvenile jokes about dongs. At ease, phallic entities.

Thank you, weird tubes in Ted DiBiase's ear that I never noticed until recently. Those tubes make your ear look like Jillian Hall's old facial growth. On second thought, no thank you, weird tubes in Ted DiBiase's ear that I never noticed until recently. You should not have reminded me of Jillian Hall's old facial growth. That growth did nothing for nobody.

Thank you, Karen Angle, for leaving Kurt Angle to stay at Jeff Jarrett's house. Sadly, you will not be able to learn guitar at his house. He’s going to break most of those guitars over other people’s heads. As for the remaining guitars, sparks will come out of the bottom. You may attempt to play on those guitars, but they will most likely provide a dangerous learning experience. Be careful.

Thank you, Primo Colon's creepy high school moustache. You are starting to become a man, but you must will those whiskers further out your face, Primo. You are not a full man yet. I anxiously await the debut of your neck beard, too. When you finish growing it, please contact me on my pager.

Thank you, 12 Rounds starring WWE Superstar John Cena. Your existence allows me to gain a new appreciation for The Marine starring WWE Superstar John Cena. I couldn't last 12 Rounds with 12 Rounds because each round was too enjoyable for me.

Thank you, Don West, for your excellent salesmanship. Your ability to sell TNA merchandise without swimming in said merchandise is an accomplishment in itself. I hope you gain enough confidence to swim in water someday.

Thank you, bounty hunter Boba Fett that was on Trish Stratus' table for some reason on a recent episode of Monday Night RAW. I am glad you could capture those candles that I desperately wanted. Additionally, I am impressed that you escaped the clutches of the pit monster from Return of the Jedi without the use of your arms, legs, and half of your torso.

Speaking of The Marine, thank you, WWE marines, for The Marine 2 starring WWE Superstar Ted DiBiase. Your upcoming release will tie up the loose ends from The Marine by kidnapping the loose ends' girlfriend and tying her to a chair in a flaming building that spontaneously explodes.

Thank you, Michael Cole's cow puns during a bull rope match that wasn't really a bull rope match between Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero. Those puns were pretty good. In my opinion, they were Steve Romero good.

Thank you, 1997 Montreal Screwjob. Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and the city of Montreal wants to keep you under wraps. Good thing I'm here to give you some recognition, huh?

Thank you, Batista, for sleeping with the majority of the Divas roster. You are a former world champion, but you are the current champion of doing it in a casual manner. You need one more diva on your diva punch card to get herpes. Even now, herpes isn't free, Batista. I'm not sure why you have that punch card in the first place. I guess you like to keep count.

Thank you, Mickie James' boob, for rupturing. Since I don't know Mickie James on an intimate basis, I am not sure which one of her boobs ruptured. As a man who has seen thousands of naked women in his lifetime, I assume Mickie James' middle breast implant ruptured. A boob is part of a woman's elbow, correct?

Thank you, tattooed side of Samoa Joe's face. Samoa Joe is tough, but only tough on one side of his face. On the other side of his face, a sensitive individual lies. That side loves violence and punishment, but antiquing as well.

Thank you, Alicia Fox's theme song. I did not know it was the year 2000 — the year of Nelly. Back in the year 2009, I believe it is getting hot in here. I think I should take off one sweater, but that's it. I may get cold later.

Thank you, one-time WWE enhancement talent Rory Fargo, for your match with Zack Ryder on an early September episode of ECW on SciFi/Syfy/PschighPhigh. At first, I thought you were crazy. Now, I know you are just testicles falling out of your torn trunks. Whenever I watch your match, I think to myself that maybe… just maybe… this is all worth it.

Thank you, Rosa Mendes' leather pants. You are in a constant battle for pants supremacy, up against Kelly Kelly's white pants. Legacy's invisible pants are a distant third. I'm not one to judge. This battle is equal opportunity.

Thank you, former TNA talent and Survivor star Jenna Morasca. Before you fought Sharmell at Victory Road, your entrance was helpful to biology students everywhere. They never saw a female reproductive system that close before. Also, your slaps were some of the most accurate slaps I have seen from you. Certainly, that match was your best.

Thank you, Mike Knox's beard. May I climb you?