As we approach the end of the year, let us reminisce about World Wrestling Entertainment in a manner that somehow produces a thirty-minute Christmas special. I will wear my Santa hat, slip into my Christmas chaps, and tell stories about the most entertaining events of 2008. Whether you are a voluptuous woman or a muscly man, you will be in a red negligee and sit before me near the crackling fire. Next, we will gather the neighbourhood children into the living room and regale them with tales about oily men who fight over jewelry to wear around their waist. Also, we shall force them to visualize themselves as the recipient of a stalling, gorilla press slam. Once your adversary has grabbed you down there, you will never want to be touched in a different way again.
Over the holidays, I hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah. Despite the existence of other holidays, I do not think they count as days worthy of a winter celebration, at least to the people who matter. As you prepare to open your presents and spend quality time with your loved ones, think of the gifts that WWE has brought you this year. Before a inebriated, obese Santa Claus causes thousands of dollars of structural damage to your home in a failed attempt to enter your place from a skinny chimney, don’t forget to leave an extra cookie and glass of milk for wrestling's greatest gift giver: Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
Vince's steadfast domination of the wrestling business fills my heart with glee, an unknown sticky substance, and more glee. Last week, as I came across yet another three-hour edition of Monday Night RAW -- the longest running, episodic program on cable television if you do not consider about three or four other prominent shows -- I conjured up an idea. At the conclusion of 2008, why bash Mr. McMahon and the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment when I can praise them? Why express my own opinions when I can tow the company line? This particular philosophy worked for Gerald Brisco. Why can't it work for me? Why can't it work for us?
In honour of the 2008 Slammy Awards, I thought it would be rather fitting to hold my own ceremony for the benefit of the sports entertainers who entertain us in a sporty manner, week after week, day after day, and tedious show after tedious show. Winners will receive a plastic bowling trophy, while runners-up will get a participation ribbon. Why, nobody asks? Participation is important. I learned this lesson at a classy, black tie, holiday orgy once. Fruitcake tastes different now. Fruitcake tastes dirty and shameful, but I have no regrets. Don't look at me like that. I have my limits. Nobody was hurt.
Nominees: Chris Jericho, John Cena, Triple H, Mike Adamle, and John Cena, disguised in a fake moustache and monocle
Winner: Mike Adamle
This year, Mike Adamle pulls a Mike Adamle to win the biggest award in the history of The Swerved. In the end, he fooled you into thinking that he was an inept, awkward, and uninteresting broadcaster and brand general manager when he was really the wrestling superstar of 2008. He fooled all of you. Do not hate Mike for his brilliant commentary inspires children around the world to follow their dreams. Do not hate Mike’s ability to wow arena crowds with his vast knowledge of the sport of professional wrestling. Whatever you do, remember to bask in the glory that is Mike Adamle for he may not be the hero we want at this time, but he is the hero that we deserve. I would personally hand Mike Adamle this prestigious award, but at this very moment, he is busy saving various animals and old ladies from burning buildings. Even though Stephanie and Shane McMahon do not think fondly of him, they will know about the Legend of Mike Adamle soon enough. Now, fight with protect padding like no other American Gladiator before you, my man. Dodge those tennis balls and hit that target with a cannon which shoots larger tennis balls. You can beat that guy in the blue singlet. You can catch up to him in The Eliminator.
Nominees: CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Kizarny
Winner: Kizarny
Although mine eyes have not yet experienced the wrestling debut of Kizarny, he has blown me away with his talent to mispronounce words in the English language. Some of you may insist that Kizarny must be speaking Chinese in his colourful vignettes, but you would be wrong and somewhat racist. While I can't understand what he is talking about, he must be saying something good. World Wrestling Entertainment would not waste their time to hype a wrestler who stresses his preference for puppies over kittens. Hence, I sense that Kizarny is changing the world with his speeches. Global warming, same sex marriage, and the suffering economy must be the issues at the root of Kizarny's talks. While CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella and Vladimir are stars in their own right, they cannot discuss and debate the problems of today quite like Kizarny; this man gets to the heart of the matter. Kizarny is like Charlie Rose, if Charlie Rose worked with the traveling circus, smelled like funnel cake, and hung out with sword swallowers. Next year, I predict that Kizarny will win the WWE Championship. After his victory, he will enter a clown car with sixty other clowns. Moments later, they will ride into the sunset on their way to the next stop -- Awesomeville: Population Kizarny and Sixty Other Clowns.
Nominees: Cryme Tyme, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, The Miz and John Morrison, Carlito and Primo Colon, The Bella Twins
Winner: The Miz and John Morrison
Like World Wrestling Entertainment, The Swerved cannot deny The Miz and John Morrison of this prestigious accolade. In addition to this bowling trophy, they deserve bags of cash with dollar signs written on them, a complimentary fruit basket, free maid service for a year, and two planets in their name. Since Pluto is not a planet anymore, I will see what I can do to discover Planet Miz and a Planet Morrison as the ninth and tenth planets in our solar system. When unidentified flying objects pass the two planets, the aliens within those spaceships will find out about Miz and Morrison before they try to conquer Earth. Once they land on our planet, they will demand to meet the two superstars, whom they believe to be the new leaders of the universe. As The Miz and John Morrison descend from the Palace of Wisdom, they shall pose for five hours straight in front of the aliens. In response, the aliens will die out of boredom. In the fight against the alien race, we need The Miz and John Morrison to save us from danger. They are the only ones who know how to move in slow motion. To my understanding, the other nominees have no clue how to move in regular motion, let alone slow.
Nominees: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Michelle McCool, Michael Cole
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Aside from her hilarious antics with Santino Marella, the Italian love of her glamorous life (brought to you by Amazon.com), the presence of WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix on RAW has single-handedly restored my faith in women's wrestling. Yes, Kelly Kelly enriches my existence as an integral member of our family band, but Beth is a WWE Diva who brings happiness and mythical birds that rise from the ashes to all. If you ask me, World Wrestling Entertainment could use more Beth Phoenixes and less Michael Coles. I'm sure Michael Cole is popular with many fellows, what with his undeniable physical beauty and charming personality, but I prefer Beth. At first, I was skeptical of Ms. Phoenix for she debuted in the company as an enemy from Micke James' past. For one, Mickie James does not have much of a past for her character was a creation of WWE in 2005. For two, WWE Divas are not real. They are holograms created to test the abilities of the new Intel Processor. With that knowledge in mind, I'm glad that WWE understands that they do not have to delve into the history of their female talent in order to garner audience interest in their characters. If Mickie James can skip down the aisle, the fans will like her. As long as Beth Phoenix wears a tiara and slaps around Santino, she is good in my good book.
Nominees: Edge and Vickie Guerrero, Finlay and Hornswoggle, Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix, Tony Atlas and Mark Henry, Astro and Elroy Jetson
Winner: Finlay and Hornswoggle
In 2008, the father and son tandem of Fit and Hornswoggle Finlay ruled ECW. Since Extreme Championsihp Wrestling is the number one brand in WWE today, they are the number one couple of the year. In this case, father completes son, and son completes father. Without Finlay, Hornswoggle is nothing. As far as WWE's insistence to portray Hornswoggle as a helpless, five-year-old leprechaun, they are correct in every sense of the word. Because Hornswoggle is a little person, I think it is only logical for him to act like a child. You see, Rey Mysterio is not a man, but an eight-year-old, five-foot, four-inch tall sparkplug. With that said, why should Hornswoggle act any different than Rey Mysterio? If you try to convince me that these two children are grown adults, I will not believe you. Actually, I will probably punch you in the Adam's apple for spreading your whitest of lies. Now, will you please let Finlay feed his son some Gerber's? Hornswoggle has an intense craving for delicious, apple sweet, potato paste. If Hornswoggle wants to grow big and strong, he must eat his vegetables. Isn't that right, Finlay? You can’t fight your love for your son.
Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair (Career Threatening Match - WrestleMania XXIV), Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho (World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match - No Mercy), Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy (WWE Championship Match - No Mercy), Edge vs. Undertaker (Hell in a Cell - Summerslam), Maria and Ashley vs. Melina and Beth Phoenix (Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Tag Match - WrestleMania XXIV)
Winner: Maria and Ashley vs. Melina and Beth Phoenix (Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Tag Match - WrestleMania XXIV)
Forget your dramatic matches, ladies and gentlemen. Whenever I pay good money for a wrestling Pay-Per-View, I want nothing more than to bare witness to a bunch of attractive women standing around and pretending to do stuff. Professional wrestling was built upon the WWE Foredivas of yesteryear, those sexy girls of the past whose primary goal was to look sexy in a sexy way. I don't care if you can execute DDT, woman. Do you want to show me your breast and butt cleavage or do want to be an unproductive member of society? Due to the lack of wrestling and the abundance of the skin, I give the WrestleMania XXIV tag match between the teams of Maria and Ashley and Melina and Beth Phoenix fifty thousand stars in the night sky out of ten. I calculated this match rating by multiplying the number of women in the ring to the number of lumberjills at ringside who are willing to flaunt their goods for the green. In my opinion, every professional wrestling analysts should use my ratings method for it is both scientific and precise. Bravo to every WWE Diva involved in this match for each and every one you is the reason why the company continues to succeed. May you smuggle baseballs in your bras until the end of time. Also, may your orange tans become more orange than before. Long live girl power and what not. You can vote now. Hooray.
Nominees: Maria makes out with Snoop Dogg at WrestleMania XXIV, Kane beats up Rey Mysterio to the point that Rey gains enough strength to visit a tattoo parlour to get more ink on his body, Jeff Hardy jumps off a lighting stand into a pile of uncomfortable marshmallows, Michael Cole dances in the ring in front of people, Charlie Haas has time to goof off at Dave & Buster’s for several hours, despite the fact that he has two young children and a needy Jackie Gayda at home
Winner: Maria makes out with Snoop Dogg at WrestleMania XXIV
Years from now, WrestleMania XXIV will not be remembered for Ric Flair's final match in a wrestling ring, but Snoop coming to the squared circle in his pimped out golf cart, clotheslining Santino Marella out of his Italian shoes, and locking lips with Playboy Covergirl Maria Kanellis. Once I witnessed Maria make out with the S-N-DOUBLE O-P D-O-DOUBLE GIZZEE, I knew that my life was complete. I liken the sight of Snoop kissing Maria to a black rope of licorice tonguing Strawberry Shortcake. I don't know how you feel about the vision, but a black rope of licorice getting action from Strawberry Shortcake is my ultimate fantasy. When I am old and grey, I shall tell my grandchildren about Snoopy the Dogg's conquest. In turn, they will be speechless. They will never let black licorice make contact with their lips ever again. Watch out for Snoop Dogg, children. Here Snoop Dogg comes again like cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese. Now everybody freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze (in your pimped out golf cart).
Nominees: The Great Khali kisses ugly women on the Kiss Cam, The Great Khali wears a snazzy suit that fits, Santino Marella injures his “scrotisimus” region trying to replicate Melina's entrance, MVP loses to some guy, Triple H tells fat jokes at Vickie Guerrero's expense
Winner: Triple H tells fat jokes at Vickie Guerrero's expense
Hunter Hearst Helmsley never fails to surprise me with his tomfoolery. If I had a nickel for every time that Triple H uttered a witty quip, I would have about fifteen cents. What would I do with those fifteen cents? I would give them to Triple H because he is so witty. In fact, Hunter fuels his wit with spare change. He is the WWE Champion of Comedy. Now that Hunter has trumped John Cena in the comedic department, his belt does not spin anymore. Unless I am mistaken, the WWE Championship belt keeps still in order to prepare itself for Triple H's comedy. I'm sure Vickie does not mind that Hunter and millions of wrestling fans perceive her as the most rotund and therefore unattractive diva in WWE. After all, these insults emanate from Triple H’s mouth. If anything, she should be honoured that he has targeted her as the subject for his hilarious jokes. Why? Hunter's wife believes herself to be just as rotund as Vickie. Therefore, Hunter's insults are the by-product of love. You have to be this fat to play his game. Keep cool, Vickie.
Nominees: John Cena returns twice in one year, CM Punk cashes in his Money in the Bank briefcase to defeat Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship on Monday Night RAW, Edge returns from Hell with a great bushy beard, Floyd Mayweather knocks out the Big Show with brass knuckles, D-Generation returns when it is most convenient for WWE
Winner: Edge returns from Hell with a great bushy beard
The R-Rated Superstar is back. What does this news mean for fans of World Wrestling Entertainment? Apparently, Edge's return calls for six more weeks of winter. While I have never been to the underworld, I wonder if they sell Mach 5 razors. According to Edge's face at this year's Survivo(u)r Series, they do not. Please remind me to bring my electric shaver when I visit my chums in Hell. I do not want to be scruffy in a foreign place. I can only imagine the discomfort of sporting a beard in that hellish weather. I bet it would feel as though I'm wearing twelve Christmas sweaters at once on my chin. Despite the fact that Edge's beard gave him the powers to defeat Triple H for the WWE Championship at last month’s Pay-Per-View, I am glad that he chose to shave that hair monster clean off his face. If I was his opponent in a match, I would not want Edge to be able to store foreign and or international objects in his beard. A beard is a clever storage compartment for weapons, but it gives the wrestler who possesses the compartment an unfair advantage over his opponent. In conclusion, rest in peace, great bushy beard. You served your country well. May you find a new home in Mike Knox's evergreen forest of facial hair.
Nominees: Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press, Undertaker's Hell's Gate, Chris Jericho's Codebreaker, Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music, Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best
Winner: Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best
Although Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press is a beautiful finisher, the move cannot defeat the greatness that is Vladimir Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best. While I knew that headbutts were fatal to a groggy opponent, I was not aware that Moscow Maulers were so optimistic during the execution of said move. From this point forward, I assume that they look at life as a glass that is half full, then they headbutt a block of ice as a means to fill the rest of the glass with freezing water. Vladimir Kozlov loves WWE first, inexpensive drinking sources second. Of course, Vladimir Kozlov’s headbutt was unable to secure him a championship belt in 2008, but Kozlov should not fret. Kozlov's Hit A Guy With Your Head And Hope For The Best will garner many title reigns in the future. At this point, I believe that Kozlov should become the new ECW Champion first before he strives to take over the world. If Kozlov wants a challenge, he will receive many a challenge, but take baby steps during his rise to the main event ranks of the company. If he hopes for the best, success will come. Patience is all I ask for from a dude from Vladimir. As a quick note, I have low expectations of men named Vladimir.
Nominees: Cryme Tyme's "Word Up," Santino Marella's "Santino's Casa," The Miz and John Morrison's "The Dirt Sheet", Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera's "WWE En Español", Snitsky's "Snitsky Mysteries"
Winner: Santino Marella's "Santino's Casa"
In spite of the infinite suckage that was Matt Striker's "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek," Santino Marella stepped up as the saviour of the WWE.com Exclusive. What you see from Santino on RAW is what you get from the man on WWE's official website. In a sentence, "Santino's Casa" is a golden segment dipped in gold from the golden streams beside Scotty Goldman's home in the Golden State. While The Miz and Morrison's dirty sheet is entertaining in itself, they cannot compete with "Santino''s Casa." Honestly, where do I feel at home the most? On a sheet with dirt or the dwelling of one Santino Marella? Besides the Holy Bible and Spike TV's MANswers, I use "Santino's Casa" as the video handbook for my everyday life. From the first weekday to the last day of the weekend, Santino never fails to better my lifestyle and turn me into a better person. Without "Santino's Casa," The Swerved would not be able to dish out its own gold on a weekly basis. If not for Santino's tireless efforts, The Swerved would become just another "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek." How dare you betray me, Matt Striker. How dare you steal my ingenious spelling of "week." That spelling is rightfully mine. I called dibs. I called dibs before the word "dibs" was invented, Matthew. I will fight you.
Nominees: Jim Ross and Mick Foley, Jim Ross and Tazz, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler,
Todd Grisham and Matt Striker, Mike Adamle and Tazz
Winner: Jim Ross and Tazz
Jim Ross and Tazz will never measure up to the Pope Todd Grisham or the betrayer himself, Matt Striker, but their willingness to wear sailor outfits and army fatigues make the duo the best announce team of 2008. In a game with brownies as the ultimate reward, they be scoring some dem dere points. Since Jerry Lawler is not present to bring Jim Ross down, the Hall of Fame announcer can finally come up with original things to say. Without Michael Cole hanging onto his hip, the Human Suplex Machine can turn into the Human Colour Commentating Machine that he has been destined to become for several years. Imagine Jim Ross and Tazz commentating a day in your life and you will understand the reasons why they have received this award. If you live your life with Stone Cold Steve Austin, get him to leave. Jim Ross can't take the excitement. If you have talent to send to ECW, don't tell Tazz. Extreme Championship Wrestling needs many things, but most of all, they need kids. In Tazz’s opinion, this requirement is urgent.
Nominees: The Miz and John Morrison's Dirt Sheet Rap, The Santino Rap, Jillian Hall's "My Heart Will Go On," Edge's "Heaven," R-Truth;s "What's Up?"
Winner: The Santino Rap
If I do not let Santino Marella show you why he has won the plastic bowling trophy for Musical Performance of the Year, I will commit a great unjustice to his craft. Hence, I present the following piece as proof that he is worthy of this and many other awards. I want to give him a American Music Award for Country Artist of the Year, but I do not have the power to do so. In that case, I hope my measly token of gratitude and admiration will suffice:
"Excuse me. Hi; I have a question. I'm Santino Marella. Firstly tonight, I noticed the rapping singer Acorn is here. I see you. I notice you... noticing me. So, I want to ask my question in the form of a rapping song:
My name is Santino
And I'm from Europe
I like my pancakes
With maple syrup
I lost my title to William Regal
His knee to my head should be illegal
Now I'm healthy
And it is vital
I want back
My I.C. Title
Wicka-whoop-whoop
Yes!"
How does it feel to get schooled by the teacher, Akon? I bet you hate it. I assume that your enjoyment with this schooling does not compare to the time when you dry humped an underage girl at your concert. I know that dry humping underage girls is the cool thing to do right now, but Santino's rap is eleventy times cooler than a satisfying dry hump. I should know. Earlier this year, I lost half my body weight and dry humped Michelle McCool. Together, we created fire, which was neat for about a second. Please do not inform the Undertaker of this particular, extracurricular activity. If you cannot keep my secret, may a squirrel gnaw on our privates and store your nuts in a tree for the winter.
Nominees: Charlie Haas as Mr. Perfect, Charlie Haas as Charlie Haas Layfield, Charlie Haas as "The GlamaHaas," Charlie Haas as "Haas" Hogan, The Bella Twins as professional wrestlers
Winner: The Bella Twins as professional wrestlers
Whenever I catch these lovely ladies on my high definition television screen, I get confused. Are those The Bella Twins, or are those professional wrestlers? Charlie Haas may be an expert impersonator (his portrayal of Jim Ross should win him an Academy Award), but he is not match for the twin masters of disguise. Have you ever seen The Bella Twins compete on Friday Night Smackdown? For those you who have not set your eyes on these matches, consider yourself the unluckiest fans in the entire WWE Universe. For your own sake, do not call yourself wrestling fans until you witness these beautiful women in action. Well, they are not so much in action as they are creating visual poetry on the canvas of the wrestling ring, but however you envision their work, they are talented artists. Sometimes, they are so fantastic that I cannot bear to watch them compete for long periods of time. I attempt to change the channel, but their graceful movements in the ring keep me glued to the screen. Certainly, they are the female version of KroniK. Remember them? They were most excellent... mostly.
1 comment:
I don't know how you do it! Another amazingly funny post. Damn I love your site.
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