World Heavyweight Champion John Cena and I do not always get along. Like any friendship between a successful and popular professional wrestler and an equally successful and popular professional wrestling analyst, we have our differences. John Cena hails from the mean streets of West Newbury, Massachusetts. Meanwhile, I have no particular hometown for Michaelangelo sculpted me out of marble. Cena is and was known as the Doctor of Thuganomics. In turn, I have a Master's degree in Thuginometry. John Cena is a talented freestyle rapper while I am known in several circles as a freestyle folk artist. Unless you have been living under some kind of rock-like stone, you have probably heard of my hit album entitled "My Rosemary and Thyme is Now." In every way, John Cena and I have a strained relationship, but when I need his help the most, he does what he can.
Behind the scenes, John Cena is the one person whom I can trust. In an industry of seedy promoters and immoral, dishonest, and selfish performers, a guy like me finds hope in a noble guy like Cena. Despite the fact that Cena's schedule does not allow him to be by my side at all times, I have his support. For me, John Cena is but one phone call away. That phone call directs me to a Lithuanian man who runs a pawn shop in Synecdoche, New York, but he knows a person who a knows a person who can guess where Cena lives. Unlike you, who can only wish to connect with Cena on a personal level, I am his dawg. For the most part, we are tighty like whities. I am not forcing him to feel me, yet he is not forcing me to feel him. We spend our time feeling each other. I detect no perverted truth to this statement. I see two men who want nothing more than to express their fondness for one another in a physical manner.
Before you doubt our friendship, did you know John Cena saved my life? Were you aware that John Cena showed me how to love again? Can you honestly say that John Felix Anthony Boom Boom Rub-a-dub Petticoat Antidisestablishmentarianism Pedro Lobster Claw Luscious Cena is your saviour? I believe not, friend. As far as I'm concerned, John Cena is the coolest of cool beans. When I get married to my lady friend and mistress, John Cena will be my best man, flower girl, and priest. At the reception, he will sing my wedding song: "Wait (The Whisper Song) by the Ying Yang Twins -- the most romantic ballad of our modern day. The success of my wedding night shall depend on the swing of the baseball bat.
I'm not sure when I will get to directly thank John Cena for his help. Until that time comes, I will never say, "F-U," to him. John Cena; I want to Thank-U instead. Wherever you are at this moment, I hope you will be able to STFU (Send Thoughtful Feelings Universally). You don‘t know my exact address, but I shall receive them somehow, someway.
1) On a rainy day, John Cena transformed himself into an umbrella and protected me from the deadly water droplets from above. What happened to the rain? As an umbrella, he turned himself upside down, gathered the raindrops, threw them back into the sky, and created shimmering rainbows.
2) When I went back in time as a passenger on the Titanic, John Cena went with me. After the boat sank in the ocean, Leonardo DiCaprio and I floated over the water on a broken door. Lifting the door beneath the water, Cena was nice enough to keep it afloat so the two of us could survive. Billy Zane disapproved.
3) On Halloween 2008, John Cena checked my bag of candy for the purpose of safety. As a means to taste-test my haul, he ate a few questionable, unwrapped pieces. By accident, he consumed twelve syringes, a 9mm pistol, and an entire tin of black jelly beans. He is my Halloween hero. Man, I hate black jelly beans, mostly due to the texture.
4) As I watched Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (Special Edition) on Digital Versatile Disc, Cena came into my living room, entered my television screen, and F-Ued the Hayden Christensen Ghost out of the ending. In response, the Ewoks and I rejoiced how teddy bears with creepy eyes and a young man should.
5) As a zombie tried to eat my brains at a live WWE event, John Cena entered the ring and threw his hat in the crowd. The hat spun into the air, decapitated the violent zombie, then served as a wonderful cranium accessory for a child in the audience.
6) On a moonlight walk in the park, I discovered a mysterious egg on the ground. Unable to take the egg home, I tried to figure out how to protect it. In this predicament, John Cena came down from the sky and approached the egg. For several weeks, he sat on the egg to keep it warm and sang it soothing nature songs. What became of that egg? The return of the extinct dodo bird.
7) Starting last week, John Cena powered my appliances and electronics by shining his World Heavyweight Championship belt at the sun. With his help, I will save hundreds of dollars on my electric bills. What a convenient truth.
8) Earlier this year, John Cena blew out the trick candles on my birthday by tricking them. He slowly gained their trust and friendship, then aligned himself with regular birthday candles when things got rough. Happy birthday to everyone.
9) On the one occasion in which I killed two birds with one stone, John Cena destroyed the murder weapon, buried the birds in the barren deserts of Egypt, and informed the birds' families that they were lost at sea. My secret is safe with John Cena.
10) Whenever I forget to record my favourite television program, John Cena steps in and performs a live, theatrical version of the episode. I don't care what anybody says: Cena plays a brilliant Chuck Bass. His scarves are not for show. They are stylish, cashmere windows into his gossiping soul.
11) As I held an entire basket of adorable puppies on the sidewalk, I tripped on a crack. The puppies flew from my basket and landed on the fragile branch of a tall oak tree. In a panic, I shone the John Cena signal (a neatly ironed pair of jean shorts) into the sky. Of course, Cena appeared to help. He did not reach up to grab the puppies, but grew a tree under his feet and waited to be elevated to the height of the branch. One year later, he saved those puppies and contributed to the environment as well. When you plant a tree, you plant a better tomorrow.
12) When I did not have access to a car, John Cena transformed himself into Falkor the Luckdragon and became my alternative form of transportation. For his reward, I scratched behind his ear.
13) During my battle against a giant, twenty-storey werewolf slash dinosaur, John Cena commanded his army of prepubescent wrestling fans to stand on top of each other to form a fighting robot of comparable size. Cena and I manned the robot and vanquished the evil monster with a sword made out of impressionable, ten-year-old girls.
14) Last summer, John Cena took me to Disney World. In the evening, he let me sit on his shoulders to get a better view of the Main Street Electrical Parade. I saw Mickey Mouse in electric light form.
15) At a family dinner, I struggled to eat a piece of steak because I did not care for presence of fatty meat. With this knowledge, John Cena entered the restaurant and cut off the fatty pieces for me. Manly men do not eat fatty meat. They eat lean meat and let another dude cut their food for them.
16) As I accidentally descended from an arena balcony, John Cena built a ball pit that broke my fall. Today, I have ten percent brain function, but think about the colours. How fun.
17) Before I got a chance to watch the film, John Cena edited the original Planet of the Apes. In his version, George Taylor and apes ate the world's entire supply bananas for two hours. At the end of the film, they encountered the Statue of Miss Chiquita Banana. You maniacs. You ate them all. Damn you. Damn you all to Florida, where oranges are the predominant and preferable fruit of choice.
18) John Cena ate an old hamburger under my bed and died from food poisoning. For some reason, he became my guardian angel. Perhaps I should not leave food under my bed. On the other hand, perhaps John should not try to eat the food that is under my bed. After all, I don't have a McDonald's under my bed. I have an Olive Garden.
19) While I came out of a store, I heard a loud gunshot, but could not react to the noise in time. Thankfully, John Cena leapt in the air and took the bullet for me. Although he is not bulletproof and may never regain use of his left kidney again, at least I knew that he was thinking about me.
20) Yesterday, John Cena tucked me into bed and read I'll Love You Forever with his soft, soothing voice. When I am older, I will pick up an elderly John Cena, rock him back and forth, and sing him the same song that appears in the book. I'll love him forever, no doubt. Without question, I'll like him for always. As long as I'm living, my street-wise, wise-cracking, tough-talking, marine-esque gangster he'll be.
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