Jack Black dons the role of professional wrestler in Paramount Pictures' Nacho Libre. This film has been rated PG for violence, crude content, and coarse usage of corn on a stick. Lastly, Nacho Libre is not recommended for young children due to their lack of understanding about nachos and libraries.
Cast of Characters:
Jack Black - Ignacio (Nacho)
Héctor Jiménez - Steven/Esqueleto (Steven/Skeleton)
Ana de la Reguera - Sister Encarnación (En-car-na-ci-ó-ó-ón)
Cesar Gonzalez (Silver King) - Ramses (Golden King)
Darius Rose - Chancho (Joanie Loves Chancho)i) The OpeningIn the title sequence, a portly Young Ignacio gathers the following to create a makeshift wrestling outfit:
1) a burlap sack to construct a wrestling cape
2) a knitted tablecloth to add frills to his wrestling cape
3) a rose from a tombstone to decorate his cape with petals
4) a rosary necklace to spell Nacho on his cape
5) a mask, appearing out of nowhere over his head to keep his skull in place
With the costume on his person, Young Nacho attacks graveyard statues with punches and slaps before taking a quick nap on top of someone's burial site. Suddenly, friars rush in and untie Young Nacho's cape from his neck, hastily taking him away from the graveyard. To cleanse him of the sinful act of wrestling, Nacho is washed with a garden hose, beaten with pillow cases, and robbed of his mask, finally forced to toil as a cook in the orphanage's kitchen, where he has lived most of his orphan life. Acting out in frustration, he drops an elbow on a bowl full of tortilla chips. In response, the chips execute a hurancanrana on Young Nacho. If you do not believe plain chips can pull off hurancanranas, you are correct. Only Cool Ranch can be efficient with such maneuvers.
ii) Meal AppealMany years later, Nacho still cooks in the kitchen, making vomit-coloured gruel for the orphans. One hungry boy, unhappy with his dull meal, asks Nacho why he cannot make scrumptuous meals like a salad. Nacho assures the boy that the gruel before him is actually delicious, but gags and spits on the spoonful when he tries to eat it. Suddenly, Tommy Dreamer from the year 2002 appears in the scene, eats the gruel, the spoon, the young boy, and the bowl that housed the gruel on a dare. In the end, he is still not popular with anybody anywhere.
iii) Hanging Out with Sis
Nacho knocks on the door of Sister Encarnación, the beautiful new teacher at the orphanage. He shoves a plate of toast under the door. He asks her to eat toast with him; she reluctantly agrees, neglecting the time of day the request was processed (late at night). The two converse about their lives. Encarnación tells Nacho she enjoys the colour tan and volleyball. Oddly enough, Nacho enjoys the exact same things. I bet this was how Triple H wooed Stephanie.
Nacho expresses his frustration as a cook, unable to make the amazing food he is capable of cooking because of the limited funding provided by the Justice League of Friars. He recalls to her of the arrival of Ramses into town, a famous masked luchador whose arrival is met with great excitement by all. Nacho wishes for the same kind of respect. I've never seen Silver King (as Ramses) wear such a nifty suit. His mask is part of the suit as well, and, therefore, he is wearing a four-piece suit. If this is a case of WCW cruiserweight one-upmanship, El Dandy is down 36-33.
iv) Ignacio Gets to Steppin'
In reaction to the fellow friars' continual mistreatment of him, Nacho leaves the orphanage and says to Chancho, a boy reminiscent of Young Nacho way back when, the following words: "I will have my glory in the hot sun." BikerNacho leaves the orphanage in a swank motorized bicycle. There goes the Mexican Badass, hopefully not endorsed by Limp Bizkit.
v) Tag Team RecruitmentNacho sneaks through town to find the man who previously stole a bag of tortilla chips which was originally intended for the orphans' consumption. He sets a trap by sprinkling a handful of chips in the alleyway. At this moment, I'm almost positive this is how Triple H lured Stephanie during their courtship. A lanky, desheveled man (Steven) appears from a ledge and devours the chips with a fury of chomping and swallowing. Nacho slowly creeps behind him, then passes gas before pouncing on him. If an independent wrestler out there will adopt passing gas as the set-up to their finisher (jumping on a dude), I promise to build you a mid-toot statue that will sit proudly for all days in my city. The struggle between Nacho and Steven is rough, but eventually, the fight is settled when Steven escapes and runs away. Nacho asks Steven to become his tag team partner, but Steve refuses and writes him off as crazy. To entice him, Nacho tells him they will receive 200 pesos if they are victorious in their match. In turn, Steven agrees. Hey reader, will you be my tag team partner for tonight's match? If we win, we get 5,000,000 rupees.
vi) Training SessionNacho returns to the orphanage in a stealthy manner. From the exterior of the building, he asks Chancho to borrow some sweats. He is given a pair of grey sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt that is five sizes too small. All of my clothes are five sizes too small because I brush my teeth twice a day with steroids.
Nacho and Steven take to the fields of Mexico to train for their debut match. Steven uses two trees and a stretchy fabric to create a gigantic slingshot. He aims a cantaloupe at Nacho's chest and nails him with the fruit. Next, Nacho smears cow dung over Steven's face and eyes to disorient him before shooting him in the back with an arrow. Every time I watch ECW with high hopes, I feel as though metaphorical cow dung is being smeared all over my face as I am hit in the back with the harsh arrow of a bleak McMahonized reality. After the event, Steven ties a cape around Nacho's neck and watches him get gored by a bull. To counter Steven's challenge, Nacho throws a beehive at Steven while is picking flowers. Finally, they run in slow motion along the trail as Chancho watches from a cliff. Whose side is Chancho on?
vii) The Big MatchA Mexican Bruce Buffer appears from a tall building looming over the ring. He speaks into a megaphone to introduce the participants of the tag match. The star of the bout is a tall and skinny man with a creepy mustache. He throws his red robe to his lady fans and they scream with joy. His tag team partner is on the apron chilling next to him. Moments later, Nacho and Steven (now dubbed Esqueleto) are announced. Esqueleto's strategy is to prevent his opponents from attaining an adequate intake of calcium. If all goes well, by the conclusion of the match, they will not have healthy bones and teeth.
Nacho, in a mask made out of a dark stocking, encourages Steven to start the match. Esqueleto is manhandled by the salty-skinned mustache man. Nacho asks for the tag and he gets it. He ties up with Mustache's partner and surprisingly gains the upper hand. He drags him around the ring, stomps on his back, and executes The Anaconda Squeeze (suspended bearhug). After his opponent passes out, Nacho celebrates in triumph, only to get knocked out with a kick from the mustached one. Apparently, getting kicked like that equals a loss because Mustachio and Co. are immediately deemed victorious by the referee after the move. Tomorrow, I am going to dropkick everyone I see to beat Goldberg's streak.
Nacho and Esqueleto mend their wounds and argue amongst themselves about their disappointing performance. Before they physically get at each other's throats, the promoter walks into the locker room and hands them sweety sweet dollar dollar bills, y'all. They gettin' paaaaaaaaaaaaaid.
viii) Salad for AllNacho returns as the orphanage cook with many a vegetable. He is able to make a plethora of delicious salad bowls for all orphans, priests, and one nun. He hands the dish to the boy who requested a salad for a future meal. The boy reacts with much delight at the reds and greens in front of him. Nacho walks up to Sister Encarnación at the faculty table with a enormous salad bowl. He pours an ocean of dressing on the salad, topping it off with crushed tortilla chips. He seductively blows the chips in her face. I'm not going to say that move is another sultry advance invented by Triple H to gain the adoration of a female, but I bet he probably used this with Chyna. That's all.
ix) Home Economics TimeNacho and Steven gather supplies for their new luchadorian outfits. The items are as follows:
1) a large red velvet sheet from a coffin to construct his cape
2) a teal dinner tableclotch to create tights for the team
3) golden sofa tassles to create tassle-y trim for Nacho's cape
4) sand from an aquarium to decorate the cape/because sand feels good to the touch
Steven sews the costumes in a competent fashion. If a street urchin were to sew me a similar outfit, I would take him in as he were my own... street urchin.
Nacho puts on the tights in his room. He laces his bright red boots and cape. As he tries to put the mask over his face, Chancho observes Nacho from afar. Nacho notices him there and explains that sometimes men have to wear stretchy pants. The aforementioned is the most accurate claim about wrestling in the movie.
Other Accurate Claims About Professional Wrestling:
1) Steel chairs are made out of butter. When wrestlers take chair shots, they go "Mmmm!" before impact. On the odd occasion, a wrestler will hold up a piece of bread if he has it on him.
2) Counting a pin to three was originally meant to teach wrestling fans, who live life as dumb rednecks, how to count past one.
3) Squared circles are possible because mating a square with a circle isn't gaysauce.
x) The Second FightBending the rules, Chancho changes the television channel in the orphan common area to wrestling. Nacho and Esqueleto wait in the ring for their opponents. They hear grumbles in the audience. As the sounds get louder, two little people in Dr. Zaius masks jump onto the apron. As the match begins, the two Zaiuses outwrestle Nacho with kicks, body splashes, elbows, and biting. Nacho hot tags Esqueleto, but he does not come back with clotheslines, which are mandatory according to the North American Code of Sports Entertainment. Esqueleto shoves Zaius IV out of the ring and throws Zaius V over the top rope, but the smaller team is resilient. Zaius IV returns with a 6-1-9 on Nacho. That's not a local call and you know it, man. The crowd throws Zaius V at Esqueleto, who flails around in a helpless mess, accidentally knocking Nacho off the top rope. Zaius IV executes a plancha onto Nacho and attacks him with punches on the outside. Nacho fights back by slapping Zaius IV in the face with a churro.
As Nacho returns to the ring, the Zaiuses attack Nacho and Esqueleto with a fantastic beating. Nacho and Esqueleto end up losing, but are still rewarded with much coin after the bout. The next day, they celebrate their lack of victories with a shopping spree. Steven adorns himself with snazzy clothes, eats corn on a stick, gets a pedicure, and poses for a charcoal portrait of himself. Nacho buys groceries and purchases a white and teal wardrobe of sexification, complete with white shoes.
xi) The Orphans Try This At HomeChanco, wearing a mask and cape, airplane spins the Salad Lovin' Kid as the other orphans observe from a few feet away. Nacho walks past them and is slightly disturbed. Sister Encarnación intervenes and separates the two. Nacho tells the orphans that although piledriving your fellow man is fun, the Bible says not to wrestle your neighbour. If I were to wrestle the person four doors down from me, would they still be my neighbour? Cause... I did already. Chanco asks Nacho if he has ever wrestled. Nacho denies partaking in the activity.
Nacho admires that wrestlers gets all the fancy ladies, clothes, creams and lotions (in that order), but unconvincingly claims that he enjoys his days as a friar. Sister Encarnación admires his speech. He admires her nuniness.
xii) Nacho FightSteven helps Nacho impress Sister Encarnación. Nacho wishes to show Encarnación his immense strength, so Steven proposes a staged fight in the streets between Nacho and a crew led by Steven in which they would let Nacho win.
Nacho manages to bring Encarnación along for the fight, claiming that he wanted to walk in the streets to talk to two bums about the gospel (which I do all the time). As he waits for the group to arrive, he poses in his recreation clothes to show Encarnación his attractive, rotund physique.
A group of two men walk past Nacho. Mistaking them for the attackers, Nacho takes off his shirt and prepares to battle wihout a torso garment. Steven's gang appears late to the confrontation, just in time to witness Nacho get knocked out legit like what.
xiii) Do the DodoSo far failing to be the great fighter he wishes to be, Nacho expresses his frustration to Steven by slapping corn from his hands, which results in a small scuffle. As Nacho calms down, Steven mentions to him that he may be able to attain the strength he desires by attaining a magic eagle egg. Magic eagle eggs are presented by WWE Films' The Condemned starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, in half of a theatre now, and Skittles.
Nacho and Steven appear in a boat with a unkempt gypsy, who instructs Nacho that he must find an eagle egg and eat the yolk within to become a great fighter. Nacho leaves the boat and climbs up a steep rocky mountain to the large eagle's nest not far from the peak. He grabs an egg, knocks it with a rock, then consumes its contents. Triple H did this after his quad injury in 2002 to the music of U2's Beautiful Day. I already know what happens.
xiv) Eagle PowersIn their next tag match, Nacho summons his eagle powers, only to be schooled once more in the art of eagling. Esqueleto does not receive any powers from osmosis and is equally beaten to a considerable mush. In a match montage, they are stretched, slapped, and knocked out by their adversaries. Ramses watches with great delight at their misfortunes.
xv) MalnutritionThe eagle egg proves to add nothing to Nacho's arsenal. The team receives their pay as Nacho and Steve talk about a way to learn success from Ramses, the best wrestler in the whole world of WCW and this movie.
After the match, they leave the arena and notice Ramses and his manager talking about utilizing Febreze to make Ramses' mask smell like the morning dew of a meadow filled with playful bunnies. Nacho tells Steven that they need to convince Ramses' manager that they mean business before they can summon the help of Ramses. Why is Silver King so hard to summon nowadays? WCW guys used to say, "Hey, that king who is silver over there -- get over here," and he would show up lickety split. The times have changed, my brethren. Earth is Mars, up is down, Jarrett is cheered, Vince is champ, and Cade and Murdoch are entertaining. This is a scary planet.
TO BE CONTINUED
