The following entry was written all the way back in August of the year 2005. At the time, World Wrestling Entertainment was swimming through the announcing talent pools for the next big Marc Lloyd. In my opinion, I have announcing talent at or slightly under the level of a Steve Romero. Hence, I chose to plead my case to the higher-ups. I didn't know this fact at the time, by it turns out that I wasn't actually selling myself to WWE executives but people in suits who were standing on really tall shelves. For that joke, here's my comedy license. Somebody cut it up. I am terribly sorry for causing you drastic pain and suffering.
-Stephen
To my understanding, World Wrestling Entertainment is searching the fifty galaxies for the next great play-by-play announcer of our modern day. As I am a spectacular specimen in both appearance and intelligence (my pet fish told me this years ago before his untimely passing in his counter-clockwise coffin), I have decided to apply for the position. While I am not 100% certain I am qualified for the job, I will get by on my looks as I am told that’s what the American dream is all about. Actually, I don't know even know what professional wrestling is exactly. Don't get me wrong as I have watched it on the rectangular viewing box, but I have no clue what's going on. In my opinion, it looks like people yelling at, then hugging each other, mixed in with extreme shuffleboard. Call me insane, but I'd be a damn fool not to want to be a part of that. Here is what I have to offer:
(I'm hoping that the 2007 Raw Diva Search will feature the contestants engaging in a free-for-all extreme shuffleboard battle. All shuffleboard cues for themselves. Think about it--disks sliding everywhere, broken bones, and fallen ladies. If this happens, World Wrestling Entertainment must give the winner a shuffleboard gimmick. She will feud with those who play Bridge on a Sunday afternoon. If WWE does not go down this route, they will make money; I know they don't want to do that.)
1) My Skills
These are tools that will make me stand out from the rest of the pack. I believe I have them in spades.
(I also have them in hearts and diamonds but not clubs. I need a heart to live. A diamond is a girl's bitchy friend who's trying to put a barrier between my love and I. Finally, clubs are not relevant to my life. Clovers can Kiss My Ass Club.)
-The English Language (I learned English with the help of such learning aids as mathematical flashcards and this wrestler I met once; I think his name was Jimmy Snooker. That gentleman had eloquence.)
(Today, I learned his name is actually Jamie Snuka. "The Supperflew" Jamie Snuka.)
-Sitting down (I can sit down, one leg at a time, just like anybody else. Though, the significant difference about the way I sit is that every time I do so, I throw glitter into the air. I'm a showman. What can I say?)
(When Rico Constantino was employed by WWE, his finishing move should have been Glitter in the Face. Why was he released? Because his finishing move was not Glitter in the Face. Mariah Carey's movie was called Glitter. Why didn't it do well? Because it should have been c... it wasn't good.)
-Standing up (I can stand up, one leg at a time, just like anybody else. I'm usually out of glitter by the time I do this, so I throw grizzly bears instead.)
-Wearing a headset (Little do people know that the headset is one of the most difficult accessories to place on the head. That is why I use children’s laughter to keep mine in place. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I am amazing at it.)
-8 years tap (Jealous?)
(I summon the image of The Great Khali performing a soft-shoe routine with either Shirley Temple or Fred Astaire. Is he wearing a straw hat with streamers off the back? Yes he is. Disengage missiles of funny onto Haha Village.)
2) My Stage Name
I will need a flashy persona that will grab the attention of the viewers. Who is going to remember a normal name anyway? That is why I am searching for one with lots of style and flare. Years from now, it will be the kind of name that will make people think back and smile. When I die, it will say on my tombstone "Man he had a great name! I so wanted that name!" with a small picture of a guy looking envious below.
(I summon the image of The Great Khali appearing green with envy, and green with wrestling ability.)
-Johnny B. Troublesome Sometimes (This has a lot of potential, making me popular with both rebels and the cautious. The rebels will say "This guy likes his risks." At the same time, the cautious comment "Although, he has his limits and I respect that." That cannot not get over.)
(Marc Mero is a thorn in the side of World Wrestling Entertainment. A marvelous thorn. He puts frowns on the faces of WWE.)
-Crowny McBarbeque-Sauce (I read that Kingy "The Lawler" Jer and Jim Joss are announcers for Monday Wrestling Raw Show. I've decided to combine aspects of both names into a single excellent one. As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons... you keep them.)
(As you can see, Crowny's mother wanted to be a forward-progressing feminist. She took her husband's name, but also put hers in front of his to pass on to the child. Because wrestling does not currently have a character with a hypenated surname means that the entire industry are chauvinistic bacons. Now I'm being a forward-progressing critic--I've progressed that pig into a breakfast-themed delicacy.)
-Skippy Saskatchewan Scrabble (Listening to digital music, wearing baseball caps slightly to the side to resemble a human sundial, and alliteration are all the rage with kids today. It only makes sense for me to be Skippy Saskatchewan Scrabble as I can do introductory vignettes from the Regina cornfields, spitting triple word scores in the faces of people that don't want to play Scrabble. The crowds will chant "There are no more letters in the bag," whenever I come down the entranceway for announcing duties. I'm definitely considering this one.)
(I've been relegated to simply Skippy for abbreviation purposes. My name on a scrabble board only gets me about ten points now. I am of anger. If I were a county officer, I'd snatch my hat from atop my head and crumple it up all mad-like. I'll get them varmints. I'll get them good.)
3) Trademark Sayings
Everyone loves catchphrases. "Where's the beef?" "Wassup?" "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." They all blow my mind. It's time for me to be equally prolific.
-"Knock, knock. Who's there? Sports entertainment." (Anytime Vince McMahon appears on television talking about his excellent business savvy and groundbreaking ideas, he will be received with this response. After speaking this comment, I may be offered to write for the WWE creative team but I will politely decline as that occupation is too prestigious for my lowly peasant way of living.)
-"Guys just wanna have pun." (When Orlando Whatever asks Captain Lou Super Mario "Oh Daddy, don't you know you're still number pun?", I unleash this gem. Orlando then dyes his hair red and skips along the streets with John Hatman Hatfield, happily clad in their leopard print skirts.)
(Poor Orlando Jordan. Yes, he must be pretty poor these days. I bet your bindle is filled with additional bindles.)
-"This is why you love wrestling." (The statement is uttered during every match of the Visceroy vs. Snitsko Best-11-Out-Of-21 Falls WWE Championship Series.)
-"He just put his chocolate in his peanut butter." (This will be used when a heel wrestler clocks the babyface with a sweet object, such as an oversized lollipop, to the crotch a.k.a. the creamy center.)
(I know that WWE will hate this catchphrase. On the other hand, ESPN Sportscenter will love it.)
-"They're not Americans. They're Americools!" (I thought up this phrase for the resurrection of controversial characters Muhamhock Something and Cosgrove Watchamacalit. Instead of feeling discriminated against America, they criticize Wal-Mart for having strangely affordable prices.)
4) Product Knowledge
These are tidbits of wrestling that I know, but many others don't. I've heard the fans talk about all kinds of things, but do they really know all there is know about all there is to know about all there is to know? I'm not sure, but they sure do look funny. How do you chew food with only half of a tooth?
-The longest reigning world champion is Edmund "Crazy Left Buttcheek" Gillespie (This guy was a wrestler from March 2, 1965 to March 3, 1965. His gimmick was a news reporter by day... and a guy whose left buttcheek fought crime by night. He was cremated in 1993 and his ashes are contained within monsel powder. His greatest matches DVD is currently the number one seller.)
(Stupid gimmick pitches like these make me a bonafide Golden Child. "I'm Crazy! On the Left! With the Buttcheek!" his music will say à la Super Crazy's entrance ditty.)
-Every time a bell rings, an angel buys a condominium (When the ring bell sounds to signify the beginning or end of an extreme shuffleboard tournament between sweaty males, the heavenly being finds a quiet place to live somewhere on the West Coast.)
(I. Love. Shuffleboard. From this week forward, this blog will be about shuffleboard and shuffleboard-related news. Thanks for reading, fans of the wrestlings.)
-Wrestling was invented by Thomas Edison (The inventor of the light bulb and the kinetoscope thought up the idea of professional wrestling. He sold it to Vince McMahon shortly thereafter. Edison's inventions later invaded the WWE in 2001, but were defeated and buried once and for all at that year's November Pay-Per-View.)
(The 2001 Invasion Pay-Per-View will be memorable for two things. Firstly, Lita almost fell off the stage until Trish Stratus saved her. Secondly, Jeff Hardy almost fell off the stage in a match with Rob Van Dam. In history, when inept armies tried to invade enemy countries, they would fall off the stage too. This type of event is why they failed.)
In conclusion, watch me on WWE programming very soon.
(Nix that. Catch me on The Shuffleboard Channel instead.)
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