What feuds, matches, and team-ups have Vince McMahon and the Technicolour Hiptoss Association neglected to give us in copious amounts in the past and the present day? What sports and entertainment have wrestling fans not yet enjoyed? Taking ingredients from all three brands, here is my take on the type of greatness we continue to live without.
What's interesting about the Irish is that many embrace the alcoholic fighter stereotype as if the label was a badge or participation ribbon of honour. Fit Finlay is a man who embodies the Irish brute persona yet his character is missing one important characteristic. What is typical of the Irish people? I know you know it. Say it with me now--they hate getting kicked in the face. Ireland is a country bred from strong arms and steel fists. An Irishman has never used his feet in a fight because ankles, heels, and toe attacks are for sissies. Whoever fights with their lower body is a pretty little princess. If Michaels wishes to superkick Finlay in the face, he will have to be stealthy. Finlay does not prefer it.
WWE likes to start off feuds by having people throw liquids onto other people. I suggest the Michaels-Finlay feud begin with Shawn Michaels accidentally throwing holy water onto Finlay. In turn, Finlay will throw potatoes at HBK.
For lack of a better description, Shawn Michaels and Finlay will have excellent bouts. Shawn will use his speed and agility to his advantage while desperately trying to keep the stringy hairs on his head in place so we don't see that his once boyish mane is thinning. Meanwhile, Finlay will deal clubbing blows and smacks to Michaels' noggin with his meaty knuckles. A shillelagh will be there. Hornswoggle might be there. Triple H can be Shawn Michaels' Hornswoggle. He can wear a leprechaun's outift. He will wear a leprechaun's outfit to amuse me. If you are not joining the Triple H-echaun Bandwagon, I have no use for you. Be gone.
Sir William Regal is a distinguished gentleman who drinks Earl Grey Tea and bathes in a tub of dry wit, which he purchased at an online Bed, Bath, Pharmaceuticals, and Beyond along with other things. In turn, John Cena once drank a mixture of cough syrup and Ovaltine while swimming in an inflatable pool of money. Regal versus Cena is not a money-making feud, though it is worthy of a few upper-card Pay-Per-View matches. William Regal tends to bore casual fans for they do not understand his European uppercuts because the accent of the uppercuts are too thick. Casual fans also do not enjoy seeing Regal wrestle because he is an old-school performer who makes big things out of little things. One knee from William Regal becomes about four knees since he performs the move with such precision and accuracy. On the other hand, Cena is a flashly performer. Young children adore him because he too likes shiny things. Little girls and women love him for his personality. If this feud were to go down, the clash of styles in the ring would be great, but promos between these two personas would make up for any weaknesses tenfold. If I were to write this feud, William Regal would be inspired by Cryme Tyme and adopt his Summerslam 2007 Dancing-Hip-Hop-Self as his new character. He would come out with his hat on sideways and pour a 40-ounce bottle of tea on downed opponents. One day, Cena would ask, "What the dilly, Regal?" In reply, Regal will say, "It's Slick Willy now, homes and gardens," before decking Cena with a pimp cup. Why am I not writing for WWE now? Because they have begged me numerous times but they have always phoned during my beauty rest; I do not like that at all.
The most noteworthy feature of Cody Rhodes is his tights. They are very colourful; he stands out because nobody in the company wears yellow and green. Having interesting wrestling gear is probably the easiest way to get noticed on television and by arena audiences, but so few wrestlers choose to don the colours. This is neither here nor there nor far nor away, but if Ken Doane kept on wearing pink and black tights rather than his super charismatic plain black trunks, I think he'd be in a better place now on Smackdown. Currently, he is a ghost. A very bland ghost.
"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes is a fantastic talker. I do not know why he is not ulitized as a manager for a young grappler or a rising star not yet polished on the microphone. Yes, Dusty tends to talk about the funkiness of monkeys a lot, but who doesn't? I prefer kangaroos, but I am willing to stand his monkey talk as long as he appears on television alongside his son and provides the goods. The possibilities are limitless with a long-term Rhodes-Rhodes tandem. Dusty Rhodes can come out dressed as a Texan oil mogul, equipping himself with a bull rope. If Cody (wearing yellow and green cowboy boots) is in trouble in a match, Dusty can interfere by tripping the opponent with the rope or draping the cowbell over the top turnbuckle as a weapon. With this pairing, a feud with Cade and Murdoch is a given. Who is the best representation of Texas? I don't know. I've never been there. What do I know? WWE would be foolish fools to not make this pairing a reality.
Due to recent findings, the King and Queen will not be celebrating anything for a few months. Why? There is no laughter in their lives. They need an entertainer of fancy humour and flighty feet. Stevie Ray should don the multicolour jester hat with jingle bells that hang at its pointy ends. He will juggle with slapjacks to the merry delight of all witnesses. To tell you the truth, I do not know the exact materials required to make a slapjack. I have always assumed that a slapjack is a black Dr. Scholl's insole, loaded with pennies or metal washers. I know I'm wrong.
Jester Stevie Ray will be the third wheel of the group, trailing behind the King and Queen, playing his bugle. He will skip down the aisle, then skip around the ring while the King battles unworthy challengers. "Here ye, here ye," the Jester will say. "Thy moveset is weaker than my Lord's sword. May he slay thou with his mighty might. What ho, you speak? Spinaroonie, spinaroona. Spinaroontie, spinaroonta. Thy suckles at the teat of a yak, I holla." Do not scratch your head at Jester's aforementioned speech because he does not take kindly to suckas. After the bout, King Booker will raise his pinky in the air in triumph; Queen Sharmell will bow to his pinky; Jester Stevie Ray will bring out the King's trusty steed--Ahmed "Big T" Johnson. Finally, the King and Queen will ride together into the sunset with the Jester not far behind, performing the Harlem Heat theme on a pan flute. I'm all for serious gimmicks. Jester Stevie Ray is pure drama. This is serious material here. Jester Stevie Ray will raise several roofs. Are you ready? Are you insured for that much structural damage?
The Armando Alejandro Estradaless Umaga is a Monday Night RAW terror. Due to his Samoan stomach tattoo, his Samoan strength has increased to level fourteen. What can he do with his newfound power and furious will? I feel Umaga needs to take on the bigger and the badder, rather than the smaller and the weaker. In the buffet that is WWE, Umaga has devoured all the side dishes and entrées. I do believe it is time for him to take on the big steak. Oh no, Jim Ross, this is no two-dollar steak. In fact, this steak is one juicy piece served on a gigantic platter. Umaga can't Samoan Spike his way through his one. He'll have to get his grill all up in it to win it. He'll have to purchase that win online, along with some other things.
Undertaker enjoys resurrecting himself up from under the earthy soil. Since he does it so much, why doesn't he marry the soil? Nevertheless, Undertaker will live again at Unforgiven. He will sit on Mark Henry, confusing him with a puffy bean bag chair, then defeat him by Tombstoning that bean bag chair into a mess of polystyrene beads and broken pleather. After Undertaker defeats Henry, Umaga needs to make himself known to the Undertaker by stealing his Quaker Oats Hat and gloating about it. Umaga will put it on in matches, grinning with a big smile all the while. In backstage and frontstage segments, he will wear it inside out to taunt the Undertaker. Finally, when Undertaker chases Umaga for the hat, Umaga will sidestep him and steal his coat too. Undertaker will be all cold and perish by hyperthermia in his cloud of billowing entrance smoke. This is but the beginning of a Wrestlemania calibre feud. Umagataker will run free on WWE programming while Underaker waits his six months to rise from the ground and retaliate once more. Although, he might even have to wait longer for it's not summer in his billowing smoke fog until about mid-March. This is a Wrestlemania calibre feud. Undertaker need not rise and shiver.
Weeks before the last WWE Draft Lottery, Jim Ross showed his sensitive side and feared for Matt Hardy's well-being. He said, "The Hardys might be broken up. Matt Hardy could go to Smackdown!" Ross uttered these words without knowing that Matt Hardy was already on Smackdown. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt Hardy is powerful like that. He can trick Oklahoman wrestling announcers into believing that he belongs where he does not. Matt Hardy must use this gift to his advantage when he and his brother feud with Paul London and Brian Kendrick.
The Smiling One and Spankilicious Jones are just as insane as the Boys Hardy. London and Kendrick wear masks to the ring for no reason. They have colouful pants. Somebody lock them up. If I were in charge of this feud, London and Kendrick would be backstage eating something outrageous, like a pizza. Matt and Jeff Hardy would walk by eating something crazy, like spaghetti. As both teams head in opposite directions, London and Kendrick would accidentally spill pizza toppings over The Hardys. At the same time, The Hardys would douse London and Kendrick in spaghetti sauce. The two would begin to fight in the halls before the battle is broken up by WWE officials. As you know, wrestlers spilling stuff on other wrestlers is what makes professional wrestling feuds great. I am merely continuing the exciting tradition.
The Hardys and London and Kendrick would feud for several months, culminating in a ladder match at Wrestlemania. The first team to grab the OxiClean stain remover hanging high above the ring wins. By the conclusion of this match, we will all know which team is better than the other. We will all know who can get their whites the whitest.
CM Punk lives hardcore straight-edge. Oddly enough, Edge lives hardcore straight-CM Punk. In a day and age of drinking and debauchery of all types, CM Punk is that shining light in a hall of darkness. Perhaps it will be Mr. Punk who will lead the children of today into successful lives of tomorrow, but for now, he must deal with those who embrace a hedonistic and careless existence. Edge, The Rated R Superstar, is currently injured on a shelf with a torn sexing muscle which is used for the sex, but he will soon make his return to the ring. He is an individual who throws the moral and ethical rulebook out the window in a window store. If one man is the antithesis of CM Punk, it is Edge. Their feud is as much a given as the sky is blue (depending on whether or not the observer of the sky is colourblind.)
On the next episode of the Cutting Edge, the host will be the embodiment of all that is wrong in society. He will be drinking on the job while driving in a car which is having unprotected relations with another car. CM Punk will walk down the aisle in protest of his antics, drinking Pepsi moderately with a sizable straw. A fight will ensue between the fellows in an attempt to determine the supreme lifestyle. The months shared between these wrestlers will be entertaining, full of Edge forcing booze into CM Punk's ears, nose, and throat, and CM Punk showing Edge an instructional video about appropriate and inappropriate conduct in the workplace.
You can thank me later, World.
The Kingly Cerebral Gaming Assassin of Kingly X is back and better than ten torn quadricep muscles combined. The baddies of RAW are shaking in their tightly laced wrestling boots, fearing for their lives under the colossal shadows cast by Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Pedigrees to those who oppose his viking power. Pedigrees to his critics across the land. Pedigrees to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Pedigree in a pile of Pedigree dog food. Triple H's rampage tour began with a bang, but will conclude with a whimper due to a confrontation with Umaga.
The wrestling world will change forever when Triple H tangles with Umaga. Hunter's sledgehammer is mighty, but what if Umaga had a sledgehammer too? Triple H has travelled far and wide, vanquishing giants on land and superstars in space. Sadly, Umaga is a force that is beyond the comprehension and power of a normal human being as well as the limits of time and space. Triple H can spit water, grow and shave a beard with the snap of a finger, and fold his brow into infinite furrows. Alas, Umaga spits on the talent of spitting water; beards are no match for his dreadlocks; brow furrows bow down to his gut furrows. The feud will initiate when Umaga interferes in a WWE Title Match between John Cena and Triple H. From corner to corner, Umaga will run his butt into Triple H's face. Unfortunately, Hunter's nose will be lodged into Umaga's hefty backside. This predicament will be quite uncomfortable for both wrestlers. Let the billions of dollars roll into WWE on a red carpet as Triple H and Umaga fight throughout the winter on RAW, trying to separate their body parts from one another while struggling to co-exist as Tag Team Champions.
ECW's Elijah Burke has the whitest teeth in the game. When studying for classes, college students stay up long nights under the bright light of his teeth. Sometimes, doctors display their patients' x-rays right on his incisors. Ric Flair is the dirtiest player in the game. In fact, Flair is so dirty that one must rent a high-power wet-dry vaccuum in order to clean him. More often than not, WWE interns must follow Ric Flair around with a mop and bucket as he leaves his dirty tracks behind him. It is a shame that these two charismatic juggernauts have not yet tussled, but don't you think it is about time that they battled? I do.
Burke and Flair have a lot in common. For one, they like to slide their kneepads down to their shins. Do they have anything else that is comparable? I'm looking at a Viewmaster right now; I'll get back to you later. Don't go there, Aladdin and Jasmine. Jafar is there.
The bottom, top, left, and right line is that the promos and interviews of Burke and Flair should be outstanding. In an unexpected turn, Flair will say, "Woo!" so hard in Elijah Burke's face that Burke's hair beads will fly completely off his head. As payback, Burke will execute the Figure Four Leglock on Ric Flair's loose skin. Burke has chosen a very poor way to fight back yet this is what happens when his dreads are not decorated with colourful beads aplenty. Many fans claim that Ric Flair is in no condition nor age to compete. Although I agree to a certain extent, Ric Flair: The Old Wrestler is more talented and competent than most of the roster. Even the idea of Ric Flair: The Old Wrestler is more talent and competent than most of the roster. Of course, Ric will probably have to take a nap halfway through each match with Burke, but I don't think the fans will mind. Ric Flair needs his rest. If he does not get his daily recommended nap, he will not have enough energy to love the women. The virgins will escape without blood loss. Who wants that to happen?
World Championship Wrestling is like the girl I once knew who used to be attractive but turned gruesome overnight. In addition, the girl had a lot of management problems and lost millions of dollars and viewers for poor decisions. I remember you fondly, Jane.
In the dying days, one of WCW's brightspots was the three-man stable of Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and Evan Karagias. Together, they formed a boy band trio named 3 Count. They stood on their green circles, dancing and lip synching horribly in unison. Tank Abbott was there; he was moving with the grooving too. In conclusion, I loved 3 Count. If World Wrestling Entertainment can find it in their pure soul to reunite Helms and Moore together as 2 Count (and a Kickout), I will be grateful. I will throw coins into all wishing wells for them. I will thaw out my seven-year-old leftovers from WWF New York and eat them with glee.
I do not take kindly to the name Gregory Helms. He probably bought it at an online store, along with some other items. I do not take kindly to the name Shannon Moore either, but that is his real name so I can't really do anything about that. Evan Karagias is no longer with us because he was too Karagias. Even so, to bring back two of three of the best boy band singers slash wrestlers to national television would be Christmas and a half. I propose a feud with Jamie Noble and Jimmy Yang, the former Jamie-San and Yang of the Jung Dragons trio. Kaz Hayashi can come too, if and only if he brings the Glacier costume. I love Glacier like I love glaciers. If you ask anyone who knows me, the first thing they will tell you is that I adore glaciers very much. They are a natural wonder.
I can't get 3 Count outta my heart, people. Everybody 3 Count with me. One. Two and three are coming in the mail.
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