Last week, Alex Reimer, the host of the No Holds Barred wrestling podcast on mysportsradio.com, answered questions about the current world of professional wrestling. He was engaging and intriguing throughout the piece. His execution of answers was flawless. His personality shone through the internet page and into your homes. The Chinese judge gives him 9.9; the Finnish judge gives him 9.9; the Russian judge has Alex at a perfect 10; I give him an 9.8. His dismount was steady, but his knees wobbled on the landing.
Also, I would say the choice of music for his routine (Kidz Bop's "Chicken Noodle Soup") was questionable, but I can't; that song is amazing. You know which wrestler would benefit from having a entrance song like that? All of them.
This time, it is Alex's turn to interview me. I swear that I will answer the following wrestling-related questions to the best of my ability. If I do not have any ability, I hope to coast by on my appearance alone. It's the wrestling way.
-Stephen
"Somebody has to be the Ambassador of Quebec." - Myself on the importance of Sylvan
-Current owner/writer of The Swerved
-Former writer of ArmpitWrestling.com
-Sees no evil
-Finishing Move: Big Mac Rub (I rub Big Mac sandwiches on my opponent. He won't get that smell out, even if he scrubs his clothes really hard. I guarantee it.)
10 Questions
1) I no longer care about Kurt Angle. I personally think that TNA was flawless in their execution of making Joe vs. Angle seem like "nothing special." What do you think was the biggest step in completely killing all of Angle's momentum?
S: I was legitimately excited to see how TNA would debut Kurt Angle... then he was the special guest enforcer at last year's Bound For Glory in the NWA Title Match between Jeff Jarrett and Sting. They could've built Angle up for several months (or possibly a year) through vignettes, interviews, and teased appearances -- similar to how The Crow version
of Sting appeared on WCW television during his feud with Hollywood Hogan -- until his inevitable confrontation with Samoa Joe. Alas, nobody has patience anymore. I guess TNA doesn't want to make a profit. I bet TNA doesn't like free money. Free money must have slept with TNA's sister and lied about calling her afterwards.
2) Khali vs. Hogan is rumored for WM 23. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the match, just because I'm hoping that the crowd will completely crap on it, similar to Lesnar/Goldberg from WM 20. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to the match for that reason, or are you the same way?
S: If The Great Khali replaced Triple H in D-Generation X, followed by Hulk Hogan reforming the New World Order with Umaga and Vladimir Kozlov, I would buy every piece of merchandise WWE has released in their history, as well as purchase all past, present, and future WWE Pay-Per-View events twenty times over. Next, their Wrestlemania 23 encounter would automatically shoot up to the top of my Favourite Matches of All-Time List, even before I would have watched it.
I don't think it's too weird to have interest in Khali versus Hogan, because I think the match has "Car Crash Appeal", meaning that it will most likely be a horrible sight and you will want to look away, but morbid curiosity will refuse to divert your eyes from the gruesomeness.
3) If the crowd does crap on Khali vs. Hogan, who will Vince blame for it?
A. Khali, Hogan, and himself
B. Paul Heyman
C. RVD, Finlay, Benoit, and all the other good workers on the roster.
D. The internet
S: I would say the internet, but I'm kind of a part of the internet. I hope Vince doesn't fire the fans again and act hostile towards all of us. I need him as a reference on my resumé.
Vince knows I have the following traits:
- Hard worker
- Goodly talker on the mic dealie at the stuff
- Proficient at the glockenspiel
4) Why does Viscera still have a job? He does absolutely nothing, and unlike Masters and other pieces of crap on the roster, he doesn't even
get pushed. What's the point of having him around?
S: Reason the 1st: He's big.
Reason the 2nd: He's big.
Reason the 3rd: When I see him in the ring, he reminds me of Violet Beauregarde of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory fame after she ate a piece of three-course-meal gum. You can't fire a guy like that since he can be utilized in so many ways. Who's John Cena going to FU in impressive fashion? In a Royal Rumble or battle royal, what big man will one wrestler, with the help of nine other guys, haul over the top rope like a hefty bag of garbage? Who's going to be The World's Largest Love Machine? Well, I would also like to see Khali in that last role, but that's neither here nor there.
5) On a similar note, why does Sylvan still have a job? Don't tell me he did another "favor" to Pat Patterson.
S: Somebody has to be the Ambassador of Quebec. The Great Khali is only one man.
6) Do you think CM Punk will ever hold heavyweight gold in the WWE? Do you even think he'll be on the Mania card at this point?
S: I think CM Punk is someone World Wrestling Entertainment needs right now as I view him as a stand-out character from the rest of the roster. He's a guy who has actually been successful and grown as a performer in places other than WWE farm systems. Plus, if they fleshed out his character more, he could be a new type of anti-hero for the younglings of today. Although, for some reason, he is losing momentum for reasons I do not know. One day, I do see him eventually wearing heavyweight gold, but not for a while. I believe WWE will give the titles to characters they know and love like Ken Kennedy, Chris Masters, and Scotty 2 Hotty first before even considering Punk.
If Punk can escape from whatever doghouse he is in and (re)gain of the trust and support of those who might be holding him back, I think he'll be in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match (if there is one), or in a four- or six-way battle for the ECW Championship at Wrestlemania 23. Surely if he's on the Pay-Per-View, he'll be slotted in that "Give Lots of Guys with Nothing to Do... Something to Do" spot.
7) Will Triple H's injury end up having a positive, or negative affect on the WWE?
S: For several years, I thought WWE's tagline for Wrestlemania should have been "Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H", because he was never not there in the title match. Whenever I heard news of Wrestlemania main event rumours, I would reply with, "Against Triple H, right?" Now that Triple H will most likely miss Wrestlemania (he could very well show up in the main event anyway and throw sledgehammers at the wrestlers in the ring from the confines of his wheelchair), this is a chance for WWE to showcase new or fairly new characters that will be heavily involved in their future. They should take advantage of the opportunity.
In my opinion, WWE should always have an able-bodied, talented, and popular backup guy to fill the void in case a main star is unable to perform. If Triple H or anyone else on the high card goes down and they have nobody credible to replace him with, it's their own fault.
8) Do you think that VKM is essentially the pot calling the kettle black when they say that DX and the WWE is rehashed, and nobody cares about them? Speaking of why do people still have jobs, why do people booking wrestling shows STILL THINK that Billy Gunn has talent? Doesn't anybody remember when The Rock refused to work with him in 1999?
S: If the VKM business is actually over in TNA, I don't understand what it was supposed to accomplish. WWE would never co-operate with TNA, so they wasted their time.
For a parody to work, it has be better or funnier than the subject its parodying. If a parody is worse than the subject matter, what's really being ridiculed? I haven't seen enough VKM skits to make an accurate judgement, but what former-Road Dogg (I wanted TNA to call him Highway Catt) and former-Billy Gunn (I wanted TNA to call him Short Shorts McGee) did was somewhat amusing, but it was amusing in the sense of watching someone try to get a ball into a cup and never quite making it. "The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup."
Billy Gunn doesn't have copious amounts of talent per se as he has name and face recognition value. It's too bad he can't use "Billy Gunn" and looks different than when he was employed by the World Wrestling Federation. To answer your last question of this batch, I miss The Rock. He was entertaining, especially when he was Hollywood Rock. That's all.
9) Will ROH ever grow to get a TV deal, or will they stay where they are forever?
S: From what I know, which is not a whole lot, Gabe Sapolsky is happy with how far ROH has come from its inception. Of course, you actually interviewed him so you would probably have a better grasp of his mindset. If I were him, I would love to put that kind of company on television if I could, but I don't know if he wants to. If Ring of Honor is making money without television, more power to him.
10) We hear a lot about "wrestler's court." I'm asking you to create dialogue for a fantasy wrestler's court case. Taker is the judge, Holly, and HBK are the jury, and Triple H is accusing CM Punk of trying to stealing his spotlight and trying to ruin his career, as Punk got a bigger reaction than him at Survivor Series. Punk is the defendant, and is also in the room. This dialogue can be as short, or as lengthly as you want it to be.
S: The following is a poor dramatization:
*All stand quietly as Judge Taker enters through clouds of smoke. He takes 13 years to enter. Taking his hat off as slowly as he does changes the world.*
Taker: We will now hear the case of Triple H versus CM Punk. Please be seated.
*Moments later*
HHH: I would like to call CM Punk to the stand.
Jury: Gasp. He's calling him to the stand. You know that stand there? CM Punk will be at that stand. We're providing new information for all.
*CM Punk approaches the stand and sits*
HHH: You know what you did? You stole my cheers. You took my fans. You took my livelihood. At Survivor Series of the 2006th variety, you took food from my mouth, my wife's mouth, and my daughter's mouth, and crammed it into your own grungy gullet. When was the last time your gullet showered?
*HHH turns to the judge*
HHH: Your Honour, he is too popular. Pooorrrr qqquuuééé?
Punk: It was an accident.
HHH: Your face is an accident.
HBK: L-O-L!
*Moments later*
HHH: Tell the truth, damnit. Are you CM Punk and are you better than me?
Punk: Well, that was kind of my catchphrase.
HHH: Your mom is a catchphrase.
HBK: ROFLcopter!
*Hardcore Holly stands up*
Holly: Grumble, grumble. I look like an older version of Ben Folds from the Ben Folds Five. Grumble, grumble. Curmudgeon expressions.
*Hardcore Holly sits down*
HHH: As you can see, CM Punk is guilty on all counts of upstaging. He thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, but you know what? He's not even two chips.
Punk: Nuh-uh.
HHH: Yuh-huh.
Punk: Nuh-uh.
HHH. Yuh-huh.
Taker: Enough!
*Taker bangs his gavel*
Taker: Any last words, Punk?
Punk: I would just like to say...
*CM Punk stands up slowly, but loses his balance and accidentally knocks over a set of pillars. The pillars crash into a wall, revealing a time portal which sucks in all beings who occupy the room. Once out of the portal, CM Punk is suddenly married to Stephanie McMahon and Triple H has replaced him at the stand.*
Punk: Wow, she is not pleasant at all.
HHH: I know, right?
HBK: Oh, Punk. You are quite a card.
*Punk shrugs his shoulders and smirks."
Announcer Singing Jingle: "Everyone knows it's Punker!"
Punk: That's me!
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