Nexus Against us tonight, c'mon yeah Against us tonight, uh huh Everybody against us tonight (against us tonight) C'mon
Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no) Gonna wear our letter (14th letter of the alphabet) Everybody against us tonight Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no) Gonna rely on one guy Look like you belong without showing your inexperience
Finally Monday night Feeling kinda nervous, wrestling alright Gonna be lifting Mark Henry Gonna suffer clotheslining injuries Hey, face Cena and his nation (Cena and his nation) Win by disqualification (disqualification) No need for Daniel Bryan (Daniel Bryan) But we need to get Darren Young out of here
Nexus (There won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no) Gonna wear our letter (14th of the alphabet) Everybody against us tonight Nexus (Nexus, there won't be a mass exodus when you're facing the Nexus, oh no) Gonna rely on one guy Look like you belong without showing your inexperience
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
I may be rich, but I'm not Alberto Del Rio rich. I can't afford a Mexican Cody Rhodes. Some people think that I can't afford to not have a Mexican Cody Rhodes either. Therein lies the problem.
AND
Don't turn the lights on 'cause tonight I want to see you in the dark.
The film industry needs to wise up and take notes. You heard me. I did not stutter through type. The district of Los Angeles, California that specializes in the production and distribution of motion pictures needs to get informed. Using a writing implement such as a pen or dainty feather dipped in ink, it must jot someone else's advice down on a piece of paper, then refer to that written advice in the future when thinking about producing or distributing new motion pictures. You see, three-dimensional movies are the cinematic flavour of the year, month, and day. Moviegoers can only love ogres and dong-eating fish being thrown at them for so long. When they tire of these silly gimmicks, what will Hollywood have left? Nothing, I say. Hollywood will have nothing, unless they follow WWE Studios' game plan.
In my humble and correct opinion, WWE Studios has perfected the action movie. All you need is a professional wrestler with no prior acting experience trying to act, a blonde lady who may or may not be Australian being kidnapped by an angry man, and as many explosions and deaths that you can fit in thirty days of filming. Mix those three important elements together and you get a little thing called movie magic. With every release, it’s as if WWE Studios and 20th Century Fox are pulling a rabbit made out of millions of dollars out of a hat, which is made out of billions of dollars.
When you can get an actor who was born to play a lead role — like Ted DiBiase playing Joe Linwood in The Marine 2 — you have yourself a fine piece of cinematic goodness. On second thought, Randy Orton was originally born to play Joe Linwood, but he was born with a collarbone injury. Regardless, I am excited. If the first part of this movie was any indication, I predict more thrills, spills, chills, kills, krills, and people not named Jill than ever before. I don't know what movies previous generations liked for I am still young and hip, but let me tell you that The Marine 2 is not your grandfather and/or father's action movie. For one, this film is in colour. Also, people are talking to each other through the spoken word.
Ladies, gentlemen, gentle ladies, and ladylike men; I present to you a straight-to-video film that almost everyone saw. A DVD and Blu-ray combo pack smack dab in the popular titles section. This time, a 90-minute trip to paradise became a mission that only I could handle. It all started when they messed with the wrong professional wrestling analyst. Get ready for the conclusion of The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase.
Unique Scene Transition 2: Unique Scene Transition Reloaded
When you crash your jeep or jeep-like vehicle into a brick wall, what do you do? If you're Joe Linwood accompanied by your mercenary friend, you would leave the jeep, use that newly created hole in the wall as your own personal entrance, and find yourself in a unique scene transition. Forget about saving hostages. A higher power needs to show others that he does not approve of fading to black.
In the dining/hostage room, Jango Fett prevents his ninja brother (Jefjare) from stabbing a rich man in the throat. Jefjare Fett thanks his brother by running into the kitchen, kicking pots and pans, and screaming, "I want to kill them all. Ahhhh." Robin looks concerned (as she should be). Robin is never going to take Jefjare's title. Ahhhh.
Tent Fight
The commander and the diplomatic advisor are arguing about the mercenaries’ double cross. Who’s to blame? I blame their parents. The commander wants the advisor out of the tent, mission, and scene. Like the director, the commander doesn't want to see his face again because it's Jefjare Time.
Back in the kitchen, Jefjare throws around condiments and pieces of lettuce until his brother asks him to chill. Jefjare expresses his anger at the marine who killed their men. Supposedly, Robin knows the identity of this marine and starts crying joyful tears. I am equally happy. I cannot wait until John Triton makes his cameo appearance as the only marine who can save her. Joe Linwood is a marine, but can he save people? Nope. He let that kid die at the beginning of the film because he was too busy talking about books.
Four Things You Need To Know
Joe's mercenary friend wants Joe to know that his group is made up of mercenaries, which is why traitors were able to infiltrate their team. Joe’s mercenary friend is good at explanations. Darren Conner wants Robin to know that he is sorry for treating Joe Linwood like he was Ted DiBiase. As long as they are patient, Jango Fett wants his brother to know that those Westerners will pay for what they have done. Joe's mercenary friend ends Knowledge Corner by handing his gun to Joe, hoping he will deliver his message to Blondie. I did not need to know that last thing, Joe's mercenary friend. I'm sitting with the band right now, watching this movie. Debbie Harry is not pleased. To calm her down, I have asked Debbie to take my gun. She must deliver my message to Papa Roach. How you like that? I saw your CD collection. Don’t lie to me.
They Done Got Serious
Jango Fett instructs his ninjas to take Robin and Cynthia away from the group. Fight it, ladies. Do not tell them about this island's proximity to the volcanic corridor. Robin retaliates by kicking at Jango in a way that gives viewers a quick glimpse of her panties. I’m glad this movie had the guts to confirm my suspicion: the majority of females do not go commando in a tense hostage situation.
Darren Conner defends Robin, Cynthia, and the rest of the hostages by wrestling one of the ninjas to the ground and putting him in a chokehold (“The Conner Clutch”). The other ninjas release their man by striking Conner in the back with the butt of a machine gun, then kicking him in the gut. Jango points a pistol at him and claims that there will come a time when Darren Conner will be more useful to them dead than alive. By the looks of that chokehold, Conner is pretty useful now. Put him in Florida Championship Wrestling. In a few weeks, introduce him on television as NXT Season 3 Rookie Terwilliger Rosenthal.
Snorkelling Time is Over
Once again, Joe Linwood returns to the snorkelling shack to ask Church for help. Church grants Joe access to his box of goodies, chock full of item like binoculars and a dirty white object that resembles a seashell ― the ultimate hostage-saving weapon. Hesitant to join Joe on the mission, Church hands over the keys to his boat.
As Joe leaves, Church puts on his disappointed-in-himself face. A second later, he finally agrees to join the marine by slightly smiling at him. Church doesn't want to risk his life, but if he has an opportunity to shove Joe overboard, he's going to take it.
Church is a Scaredy Cat
Church drives Joe to shore, but does not wish to go any further. He says, "Give 'em, hell, marine." Joe runs away from him into the resort caves because Church is the Norman Smiley of rescue missions.
Mercenary traitors and ninjas survey the area as Joe moves toward the resort. To show his skills as a marine, he swims in the pool for a minute. Underneath the pool bridge, he gets the attention of one of the guards by splashing in the water. Once the bad guy peeks over the railing, Joe pulls him into pool and stabs him in the heart. To my surprise, the man either does not bleed or bleeds chlorine. He looks like Manny Pacquiao, too. Fight Floyd Mayweather already. Stop dying while cleaning pools.
Out of the sight from the other guards, Joe steals some leftover fireworks and approaches the resort entrance. At the makeshift military base, the commander and the diplomatic advisor argue over Joe's involvement in the hostage situation. You can cut the sexual tension with a sexy knife, at least after you splash in the water and pull the tension into the pool.
United States of Americans
Returning to the dining/hostage room, Cynthia translates the public address system announcement to her fellow captives. She tells Conner that one man, referred to as "The American," has come to save them. George Clooney's character has travelled from one motion picture to another released one year prior, looking to spare rather than end the lives of people? Good for him. What is "The Marine" going to do, though?
Outside, Jango Fett and ninjas watch as the lifeless henchmen's body is taken out of the pool. Jefjare turns away from his brother. To nobody in particular, he vows to take Joe's heart out, most likely killing him. Jango looks at his brother with a confused face. Jango is not sure if serious.
Boyeurism
A sweaty Joe Linwood refers to the advisor’s blueprints to get a better sense of the resort's layout. Using his binoculars, sweat falls from his chin as he watches Blondie ― who is actually a mercenary traitor and not a popular band from the 1970s ― run to another part of the resort. Blondie is getting Joe mighty hot and bothered. Blondie is his Phoebe Cates.
In a laundry room, Blondie and his traitor friend attach bombs to pillars before Joe interferes in their fun. He kicks a laundry hamper into Blondie, throws a knife into the heart of Blondie's traitor friend, then drives a knife further into his heart with a flying kick. Blondie crawls over to his gun, but Joe stops him by grabbing his foot and kicking him in the face. George Clooney is stuck in traffic.
Pleat the Press
While another bad guy sets up explosives in the resort caves, Joe manhandles Blondie. He confidently stumbles through his interrogation: "I know you're just in it for the money. Unless you really wanna... die... for the cause, you tell me where they are." After Blondie refuses, Joe grabs his arm and burns the flesh off in an iron press. Finally, Blondie tells him the location before his face gets shoved into the press as well.
As he is about to kill Blondie with a gunshot, he avoids Jango Fett's gunfire and takes cover in the boiler room. Jango approaches Blonde and kills him for talking anyway. Jango never trusted Blondie, perhaps because his name was Blondie.
Boiler Room Brawl
Jango Fett returns to the hostage room to speak with Darren Conner. Using his iPhone, Jango gets Conner to confirm the transfer of the monetary tribute on video. Unfortunately, Jango cuts the video off before Conner can request the hostages’ freedom. Why shouldn't you have it all? You should have it all, but Jango has the latest version of the iPhone. That is why you can't have it all.
Hiding behind the strongest pillar in the history of pillars, Joe endures a barrage of bullets until the traitors run out of ammo. A mercenary traitor throws a grenade so softly that Joe is given ample time to roll away from the blast in slow motion.
Two traitors ambush Joe. With a forceful punch to Joe's face, they celebrate with a synchronized Power Rangers pose dance. Disgusted by their dance, Joe retaliates by performing an elaborate butt-kicking ballet, highlighted by a Spin-A-Roonie and a three-way drop kick. Joe wins the brawl by kicking one traitor's head through the side of a wooden cabinet before choking the other out with his boot.
Whichever traitor did not help the other hurt Joe during that three-way drop kick deserved his demise. He’s like a potato sack race partner who just stands there and allows the other teams to win.
The Commander Enunciates
The commander informs the diplomatic advisor that Jango and his men have agreed to release the hostages, but only to him. He admits that this tactic might be Jango's way of sending a stronger message to the world ― killing a powerful government official in addition to the innocents. Once the advisor agrees to take a chance for the sake of the hostages, the commander admits that he may have misjudged him. At the end of the film, I hope they can finally spend some time together, expressing their love for each other in a secluded part of the resort. Even though they don’t know it yet, they are the Joe and Robin of this island.
Impromptu Celebration of Light
Joe distracts the hostage takers by putting on his own fireworks display. From afar, Church watches the show. He curses Joe for either being a hostage-saving genius or wasting perfectly good fireworks.
Through the dining room shadows, Joe calls Robin over to him. Obviously, Robin is glad to see him, but Joe doesn't look so thrilled. Give your wife a break, Joe. As a hostage, she doesn't have access to makeup, a bathroom, or mirrors. For a marine, you set mighty high standards for women on the brink of death. While she doesn't look hot right now, at least she's alive. Isn't that enough?
The other hostages ask Joe what to do next. In Joe's mind, he wants them to give his wife an extreme makeover. From Joe's mouth, he tells them to run, just like that pansy Church did from anything that scared him.
The Getaway
Joe points in the general direction of Freedom Town. "Go toward that part with the green things and the no-shooty-shooty people," he says through hand gestures. In an open area, he tells them to get down. Robin, Conner, and the others immediately react by taking cover as if they are performing the off-Broadway, on-cement production of Cats. Hostages; turn your faces to the daylight. Let your marine lead you. Open up, enter in.
Suddenly, their performance is halted by a flying ninja, who clocks Joe with a phantom kick to the face. The wind from the kick makes Joe spit out blood or Kool-Aid. Robin tries to tend to her husband, but the flying ninja points a gun at her. Even though Joe knew these hostages were thirsty, he did not offer them his mouthful of tropical punch? Joe Linwood is a piece of work.
Square One
The journey to Freedom Town ends as the hostages find themselves back in the dining room, cuffed and gagged. As for Joe, he sits in a chair, handcuffed with a long chain that is attached to a ceiling pipe. Joe gets all the perks.
To everyone's surprise, the diplomatic advisor unveils himself as the mastermind behind the whole evil plan. The advisor admits that he allowed Conner to bring the Western world and his sweet, sweet Western money to the island, only for Conner to turn the place into his "own private toilet." When Jango Fett proposed to take back the island by force, the advisor let him at it. For Conner's private toilet, this island still looks quite nice. He pisses and poops beautiful things.
Jango's Day In
The diplomatic advisor continues his marathon of informative exposition by admitting that he let the mercenaries die to scare off the military. During his entire speech, I was waiting for him to talk about how he tried and failed to grow decent facial hair, but he never did.
Accompanied by his brother Jefjare, Jango Fett announces that they have received the tribute. He assures the advisor that he will get a bonus in addition to his share of the money. That bonus turns out to be a ten-second bomb, which Jeffare hangs off the advisor's neck. Jango shoves the advisor out of the building and lets him explode. Cool Jango Fetts, Jefjare Fetts, ninjas, mercenary traitors, marines, and hostages don't look at explosions.
Heart to Heart
The henchmen lead the hostages ― who are now equipped with bombs ― out of the building, which gives him and his brother some private time with Joe. Jango asks Joe if he has ever sacrificed innocents to get the job done. Joe says, "Innocents always die in war, but the goal is to save people, not kill them to win." If I had three extra large shirts, I would put that excellent catchphrase on them. Three large people would have to stand beside each other at all times in order for the catchphrase to make any sense, but that shouldn't be a problem.
Jefjare leaves the room with Robin while Jango allows his most menacing ninja to take care of Joe. Evading the ninja's knife, Joe rises to his feet. He elbows and knees the man to the ground. Grabbing the knife, he stabs the menacing ninja through the stomach. Even though the dead ninja has the keys to the handcuffs, Joe is unable to reach him. Eventually, Joe decides to set himself free by pulling his hand through one of the cuffs, then crawling over to the guy to completely uncuff himself. If I were him, I would have hugged the ninja to death for easy access to his keys. I'm just saying.
Payback in the Boiler Room
Surrounded by hostages tied to pipes and heaters, Joe engages in a fist fight with Jefjare Fett. Outside, Jango uses his walkie-talkie and asks if the hostages are secure. As seen in previous scenes, Jefjare does not bother to respond because he does not know how to properly communicate with people. For a moment, Jefjare gains an advantage over Joe by aggravating his hand injury and holding him at gunpoint. As he is about to pull the trigger, Church kills Jefjare with a bullet from behind. He's not gonna be in The Marine 3.
Joe frees the hostages. Church hands him his gun and tells Joe to get Jango. Yet again, Church is too afraid to fight. He emphasizes his wussiness by giving a knife to Darren Conner, who has no military experience at all. I bet Church is afraid to see this movie. If you see him wandering around a Blockbuster with a DVD in hand, he might ask you to watch this film for him. Do not honour his request. He's a big boy. He should learn how to handle big boy films.
Kaboom Pre-Show
After failing to receive a walkie-talkie response from Jefjare, Jango instructs his men to kill the hostages. Sensing that his henchmen are cool-looking idiots, Jango triggers the sixty-second explosion countdown via remote to ensure that the job will be done. Meanwhile, Conner and Church guide the others out of the building. To give you an idea of how strong the boiler room explosion could be, each stick of dynamite in the room is labelled with the words, Dynamite: High Explosive.
Church finally shows some guts by snapping the neck of an incoming ninja and taking his weapon. Then again, Conner shows the same amount of guts by stabbing the other incoming ninja with a knife. Darren Conner writes books and expels beautiful island accessories from his body. He has no idea how to kill a guy, yet managed to do so in one try. Church rewards Conner by giving him a gun, cutting his killing work down in half. Church is frightened and lazy.
Kaboom
The hostages narrowly escape the resort as multiple bombs go off on the premises. A calm and collected Joe avoids additional explosions as if he is taking a quiet jog through the park. As another bomb goes off behind him, he dives into the water without a care in the world, following Jango and his woman into the jungle caves.
Jango triggers the countdown on another explosive device, then drags Robin further into the caves. Continuing his jog through the park that is the deadly island resort, Joe unknowingly runs into the explosion. The impact does not kill him, but loosens a bunch of rocks, which fall on top of him. Robin stares at the rubble in disbelief. Styrofoam rocks are the only force in this film that can take down Joe Linwood.
Kaboom Post-Game Show
Strike what I said earlier from the record of Styrofoam Rocks vs. Motion Picture Marines. Joe Linwood is alive. He rises from the rubble and equips his pistol in search of Jango and Robin.
Through the maze of waterfront shacks, Jango tries to ambush Joe. The Second Marine sees him and begins the climactic battle. Jango and Joe wrestle for possession of the gun. Once Jango takes the pistol away from him, he chases Joe through the shacks. Joe avoids him by busting his way through doors and windows, interrupting a children's game of checkers. Next, he passes a wooden roof, knocking down pillars until it collapses behind him. Jango gracefully walks over the roof and chases Joe through the market. Together, Jango and Joe have destroyed weather-shielding structures and competitive youth activities. They are both monsters. Is there no such thing as a hero? I believe there is not.
Jango stumbles over a set of crates, allowing Joe to knock the gun out of his hand. Taking their fight to the dock, Joe defends himself from the wrath of Jango's newfound bo staff. Jango proceeds to Darth Maul and Donatello it up until Joe is able to break the staff in half.
Robin's Nest
Jango and Joe fall off the second level of the dock and violently land on a boat’s floor. Joe hits the hardest, crashing butt-first through the floor. Underneath that floor, Joe lucks out and finds Robin, held captive in a cage. That's one strong, mystery-solving butt. Despite Robin's mouth not moving, she tells him to get her out of there.
Sensing Joe's vulnerable state, Jango runs at him. Before he can attack, Joe grabs a spear from underneath the dock and impales Jango through the chest. With one last push, Joe sends Jango crashing into a nearby shack. In the process, a barrel of gasoline falls over, inconveniently leaking flammable liquid everywhere.
Lovin' Interrupted
The second that Joe frees Robin from the cage, they start making out in celebration of Jango's death. Soon enough, their premature make-out session is halted as Jango revives himself somehow and puts Joe in a sleeper hold. Without moving his mouth, he manages to tell Joe that the tribute will never stop and more Western victims are to come. I think Jango should spend some time with Robin. They have a lot in common. Maybe they can start a book club together. Actually, I take that back. That’s how Joe got into this mess in the first place.
Joe does not appreciate the interruption, nor does he appreciate people who are not his wife, speaking without opening their mouths. Joe tosses Jango up and over himself, letting him fall onto a set of uncomfortable boat boxes. While Jango reaches for a flare gun, Joe suggests that he and his wife should leave the boat. Good suggestion because Jango is about to fire a flare gun on a boat that has been coated in gasoline.
Joe and Robin escape, dramatically jumping off the boat into the non-exploding waters. They swim back to the dock and embrace. Joe jokes with his wife, saying that he thought his job was dangerous. Robin responds by telling Joe that she loves him. The scene ends before Joe is given a chance to reply. This marriage between Joe and Robin Linwood will not last, what with all the explosions, hostage takings, and one-way declarations of affection.
The Verdict: ***************1/8 out of ***************************13/14 Overall, Joe Linwood is better than John Triton. John loved his wife and revived every Southeast Asian child he encountered. You make me sick, John Triton.
WWE Championship Match Sheamus (c) vs. Lord Voldemort
He Who Must Not Be Named is a mystery An evil wizard with surprisingly decent teeth Ralph Fiennes with botched rhinoplasty Young Harry didn't know, what Ralph did to his parents long ago Inhuman men can hurt human feelings
They saw the anagram in his name He's so wicked, making kids play word games He made his own version of Yahtzee, but the thrill is not the same He is Lord Voldemort He is Lord Voldemort
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
The Swerved has mastered hustle, loyalty, and respect, but will need to take a summer course on hinting that other sites prefer to make love to dudes.
AND
Nobody gets what I say. Must be some way to convey, but no one else remembers my name — just those parts that I played.
The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has got it all wrong. They should not go out of their way to nominate movies about bomb squads trying to diffuse deadly bombs in Iraq. They should not blindly applaud films that deal with paraplegic war veterans finding lanky-blue-alien love with sexy female aliens in a foreign world. If a South African government agent becomes an extraterrestrial bug who loves cat food, they should take a moment to think and rethink about their vote. If an old man or George Clooney take to the skies, they should feel free to leave their naked man trophies at home. Surely, they may recognize these films as quality entertainment, but they must refrain from doing so at the expense of one of the best films of our generation.
Years from now, who's going to remember Sandra Bullock raising a misguided, football-playing youth as if he were her own misguided, football-playing son? Who's going to press play on their remote and revisit moments based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Will anyone ever be in the mood to watch Brad Pitt mispronounce words in a flick with a misspelled title? Not I. As long as they keep their distance, I consider myself to be a man of the people. For the most part, I like what you like. Therefore, I can safely say that we do not care for any of these so-called cinematic masterpieces.
Although I am not a movie critic, I know a triumph of modern cinema when I see one. Without a doubt, The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase is that triumph. Many critics believe that this movie wasn't good enough for them because it went to straight to DVD and Blu-ray. Well, I believe that The Marine 2 was too good for them. They do not deserve to learn how the sequel ties up the loose ends of the original. What do critics know anyway? They may critique films for a living, but they're not the general public. They have no clue what interests us.
If movies like The Marine 2 are becoming the straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray standard, why should I go the theatre? My home can serve as a cineplex. For The Marine 2, I would even be willing to pay admission to see a film that I previously bought in a store in my own residence. Then again, you don't have to take my word for it. Join me in this two-part look at Ted DiBiase's 2009 acting debut and indirectly witness the greatness for yourself.
Rooftop Book Club
In the Southeast Asian streets of Southeast Asia, two children start a water gun fight. The young boy grabs a gun that looks like an actual working pistol. In response, the young girl raises up her colourful Super Soaker. Just as she is about to feel the comforting warmth of a supersonic bullet, weak spurts of water emerge from the boy's gun. Water versus water will always be a wash, but the winner of water versus lead has not yet been determined. Water versus lead is like the Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao or Undertaker vs. Sting of children's street games.
On the concrete roof of a multiple storey building, Joe Linwood (Ted DiBiase) talks to his black marine friend about their favourite books. “Hell no,” says Black Marine Friend at the possibility of reading books that are not written by Stephen King. Joe was going to give him Big Apple Takedown for his birthday, but forget that now. He'll have to think of something else to get him, such as a Stephen King look-alike jumping out of a cake in a courtroom setting.
Alhad Me At Goodbye
Upon first sight of a black SUV trailing two pickup trucks, Joe and Black Marine Friend rush to another rooftop with sniper rifles in hand. At Southeast Asian street level, shady-looking men unload a wooden crate from one of the trucks, revealing a machine gun. A man in an oversized leather jacket is displeased. "Why did WWE Studios give me this ill-fitting jacket? Don't they have any money?" he did not say. Skirt-wearing bad man Sanan Alhad comes out of the black SUV to address the unhappy man. "At least you have a jacket. Wardrobe ran out of pants five minutes ago," he may have said.
With Alhad in his sights, Joe rubs his fingers together, implying that he is one of those wealthy rooftop snipers. One day, maybe Joe can buy him some pants. After pulling the trigger, a bullet goes through a random bad guy and Sanan.
A crazy gunfight ensues. Stray shots from a rocket launcher provide the first of many explosions. Joe and Black Marine Friend take down several bad guys, then hide behind cover. Through the rooftop flames, they notice that the young boy who was playing with water guns is lying unconscious. No, he can't die. We must know if lead can defeat water. Since the boy is bleeding, Joe tries to bring revive him with CPR — the surefire way to close a victim’s potentially fatal wounds. A few seconds later, Black Marine Friend tells Joe that they have to leave. He claims that the child is dead anyway. Joe and I believe him for he read it in a Stephen King novel.
The Cleansing
A distraught Joe washes his hands and face in an outdoor sink. To my knowledge, cleaning yourself cannot bring another human being back to life, but perhaps I shouldn't tell him that in this difficult time.
At the U.S. Marine Base, Joe sits down in front of his MacBook and talks to his wife Robin (Lara Cox). Once she finds out that Joe is coming home for a couple of weeks, Robin is ecstatic. "Do you remember me talking about Darren Conner? My super rich client? Owns like a bazillion different businesses — real estate, hotels, and casinos. He is opening a new resort and guess who's in charge of his super-deluxe, invite-only, opening bash?" Tell him already, lady. He doesn't have time to guess. He just let that Southeast Asian kid die.
Joe is reluctant to join her as he was looking forward to returning to Michigan. Being an understanding wife, Robin suggests that he skip the trip and come home, but Joe changes his mind. He says that she is his home. Is your home Michigan or your wife? One is a mighty large and spacious state, while the other is a pleasant looking, petite white woman. You are one confusing marine, Joe Linwood. John Triton was never this indecisive.
Robin tells Joe that she loves him back, despite Joe never saying that he loved her. Joe is indecisive and his wife is hearing things. They are perfect for each other.
Unique Scene Transition
Watch out, Robin. A small charter plane and a scenic island setting are about to crash into your bedroom. Oh wait. We are transitioning from your bedroom to your journey to the resort in an interesting fashion. Good show.
Robin asks Joe, "Isn't it beautiful?" Joe agrees, but does not seem convinced. If I were him, I would say, "You have eyes. Determine the beauty of the scenery for yourself. Besides, your definition of beauty may deviate from mine, depending upon the number of beautiful to not beautiful people, places, and things we have seen in our respective lifetimes." On second thought, I would probably say, "Yeah, sure is."
Looking out the window, they see the resort, which appears to be in the shape of the Transformers' Decepticons logo. Shockwave is not hospitable. Roll out, you two.
The Arrival
Following a wet and bumpy jeep ride, Mr. and Mrs. Linwood meet Cynthia (an employee of the resort) at the entrance. In her half-British accent, she informs them that their goal is to have the most energy-efficient resort in this part of the world. Apparently, this island rests in close proximity to the volcanic corridor. They have constructed their own geothermal plant allowing them to use heat for power. Twenty-four hour armed guards in the security towers provide top-of-the-line surveillance. Lastly, they are having their opening party here tomorrow night. Thank goodness. Imagine if they were having their opening party in Michigan.
Vacancies
Do not playfully throw Robin Linwood into the beautiful resort waters. She has to go to a meeting, yet has a moment to discuss Joe's distant demeanour. On his last mission, Joe tells her that he got a closer look than he usually gets. The sight of a boy fishing in the water has made him think about change.
Robin insists that she is proud of him, whether he is saving the world or sweeping the floor. For me, I see no difference in either activity as I often sweep floors to save the world. Turned on by his wife's low expectations of him, Joe goes in for some CPR love before Darren Conner (Robert Coleby) interrupts. Conner confuses Joe for a soldier. Robin specifies that he is a marine. I am proud of both Conner and Robin in this scene, whether they are trying to figure out who Joe Linwood is or sweeping the floor.
Conner takes her aside, but does a terrible job at doing so as Joe and Conner's lackey can hear their entire conversation. Conner tells her that reporters and Green Peace lawyers are all up in his business. He asks Robin to do her job and handle them, which she gladly agrees to do. Before Robin does her job, I think Conner should do his job and learn how to conduct private conversations.
Robin follows Conner and his lackey, but not before telling her husband that she has a surprise for him. If she brings him reporters and Greenpeace lawyers, I rescind my previous comment about being unconditionally proud of her.
Closed Surprise
Surrounded by caged birds and the restless spirit of the water gun boy, Joe and Robin happily walk through the island village. She puts her hand over his eyes and guides him to a hut with a closed sign hanging over the entrance. The fact that she did not see the closed sign before guiding him to the hut does not bode well for their marriage or future surprises.
Inside the hut, a scruffy, cigar-smoking man reads the paper. He assures the couple that the place is closed. Following the rules, Joe and Robin enter the hut anyway. When Robin pleads with the man to let them take a snorkelling tour, the scruffy man gives in to her demands. So, a snorkelling tour is your big surprise, Robin? If you end up with water in your lungs, Joe won't save you. As seen in a previous scene, he prefers alternative life-saving methods. Although CPR would be appropriate for this hypothetical scenario, Joe doesn't play that game. In the event that you drown, Joe will tie a tourniquet around your leg. Good luck.
The scruffy man walks up to Joe and finds out that he is a marine. Together, Joe and Church (Michael Rooker) laugh about being military guys. Ha, ha, ha. Military-related memories.
Snorkelling Time
On his janky boat, Church sends the couple to a remote part of the island. As the husband and wife undress, Church shoves Joe overboard and laughs. Oh, the hilarity military.
With Church out of the picture, Joe and Robin snorkel while holding hands. How adorable of them to show their love for one another at the expense of demonstrating proper swimming techniques. Venturing to the shore, Robin lays on top of him. The waves rush over them as they begin a remote make-out session. By my count, Robin has pinned Joe for at least a 15 count, but I see no referee in sight. Church was right. This place is remote.
Shortcut
One moment, Joe and Robin are wandering around the caves of the island, trying to find a route back to the resort. The next moment, they have returned to the resort. Somewhere in those caves, ancient islanders must have drawn Google Maps on the walls to show them where to go.
Pool Partay
It's tomorrow night already? I am not even formally dressed yet. For the past several hours, I have been snorkelling, making out with myself, and wandering around caves. My, my, my, Cynthia. Time in this island sure does fly fast. I blame it on that geothermal plant somehow.
At this party, you've got it all: jazzy lounge music, people reading Why Shouldn't You Have It All? by Darren Conner, fruit buffets, girls with wine glasses who are struggling to dance, paper lantern lights, and Darren Conner himself interrupting public displays of affection between the male and female lead. Conner explains to Robin that reporters have been pestering him and his lackeys again. Robin is about to get right on that, but Conner mouths off to her.
Joe stands up for his wife. Unlike Conner, Joe tells him that he does not pick on women half his size. If Joe or Conner want to raise their self-esteem, I recommend picking on females who are three-fourths to three-and-a-half-fourths their size. They are still smaller than you, but not as defenseless.
Robin steps in before Conner and Joe’s confrontation gets out of hand. She informs Conner that opening up to the media will paint him as more than an American outsider with something to hide. After Conner starts to side with her, she adds that he has a speech to give. Joe looks concerned, constipated, angry, sad, confused, or like a man who has recently acquired a lot of money in a storyline.
The Church of Church
On stage, Robin wishes a good evening to friends, colleagues, and investors, then introduces the partygoers to Darren Conner. Since Joe is not a friend, a colleague, an investor, the chairman of Conner Industries, nor the host of the party, he walks away and undresses. Conner welcomes everyone to the Tangalla Beach Resort — where you never have to ask yourself, "Why Shouldn't I Have It All?" I'm sorry, but I ask that question to myself every day. A trip to Decepticons Island will not put an end to my questioning ways. To show my displeasure for Conner's comment, I will undress, too.
Joe wanders over to the shore and stumbles upon a collection of fireworks. Suddenly, Church throws fireworks at him. In response, Joe calls him a "crazy-ass powder monkey." I, for one, am glad that Joe was only talking about crazy-ass power monkeys. If any sane power monkeys heard about his remark, they would be sending letters to this movie right now.
While Church prepares for the fireworks show, he has a heartfelt talk with Joe regarding his recent argument with Robin and Conner. If Church was Joe, Church would return to the party and tell Robin how sorry he was. In Church's opinion, the makeup sex would be worth it. On the other hand, Conner does not deserve an apology or makeup sex. He never frolicked in the water or made out with Joe on the shore. Tough luck.
The Pretty Colour Parade
As Joe is about to return to the party with two cocktails, a huge missile comes in from the shore. At the last second, Joe ducks, letting the missile destroy one of the security towers. In the next scene, Joe better get two more “I’m Sorry” cocktails for that tower. Additional missiles hit the other towers and the general area surrounding the party. Those missiles are destructive, yet considerate. They don't want to kill people. They just want to send a message.
Gun-toting ninjas come up to the shore on boats, bombarding the place with bullets. Joe drops the two cocktails in shock, meaning that he will have get six “I’m Sorry” cocktails for his wife, that security tower, and those two broken glasses.
Partygoers run for cover, except Robin who stands there for a second and stares at Joe from the second-floor pool area. Seconds later, she screams Joe's name, revealing that her reaction time to traumatic events is quite poor. Joe runs up the walkway and starts roughing up ninjas. In the midst of trying to save the resort and his woman, he turns around, letting a ninja hit him in the back of the head with a wine bottle. Why did he turn around if a ninja was waiting for him, wielding a wine bottle? I will answer you th...
Sorry about that. As I was typing, a ninja hit me in the back of the head with a wine bottle. I would tell you the r...
The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man
The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man (Temuera Morrison as Damo) makes his presence known as the leader of the gun-toting ninjas. He silences a random woman by shoving her into the pool. You know who else likes shoving people into bodies of water? Church does. If that is Church under the mask, I will laugh at first (for I used to be in the military), but then I will be very mad at him. Darren Conner confronts him and asks the masked man his name and purpose for invading the island. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man must have not heard the question because he ends up greeting him. Somebody forgot to drill ear holes in that mask.
Joe recovers from the wine bottle shot and grabs a gun from one of the ninjas. The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man reacts by taking Conner hostage. This momentary distraction allows a ninja to come into the picture, knock the gun out of Joe's hand, and wrestle him from the second-floor pool area to the grass below.
Thankfully, Church shows up and takes Joe away from the commotion. Good on him for not being the villain wearing two types of chocolate on his face. From afar, Robin screams, "No" and "Joe," confirming that she knows how to rhyme in peril. You love rapping when you're curious, but what happens when a group of ninjas start threatening your life?
The Church of Latter Day Abandoners
A disoriented Joe Linwood wakes up on a cot. The lack of memory foam mattresses on this island disgusts me. With Church looking over him like a homeless angel, Joe realizes that he has been transferred to a makeshift military base.
He sprints to a television truck — which is surrounded by soldiers and reporters — to watch an important news update. The video shows the Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas bringing the hostages to their knees. The masked man sends the following message: "For the last century, we have watched helplessly as the disease of the Western world has spread across our islands. Now it is your turn to watch. We will kill all the hostages in 24 hours. If you wish to spare their lives, you must pay tribute." Church defines "tribute" by referring to ransom paid by infidels like himself. I was thinking that they had to form a cover band of gun-toting ninjas, led by a man with a half-white-chocolate, half-milk-chocolate mask. Either way, that's rough.
The hostage takers select a balding man out of the group to serve as an example, but the hostage is unwilling to volunteer. Joe Linwood cannot believe what is happening until the ninjas behead the guy. Joe immediately asks Church to help him save his wife and the other hostages, only for Church to walk away from him. Pushing people overboard and laughing about the good old military days is cool, but when it comes time to do something worthwhile, Church is out? This homeless angel is no good.
The Room of Those Who Are Slightly Inconvenienced
The Half-White-Chocolate, Half-Milk-Chocolate Masked Man and his ninjas move the hostages to the resort’s dining area. Robin pleads with her hostage takers to take it easy on them as they are willing to do whatever they want. Meanwhile, the hostages want Robin to shut her mouth hole.
The leader unmasks and throws Robin to the ground. He is Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. How could you, Jango? I know Samuel L. Jackson decapitated you in that movie, but you should not have taken your aggression out on that random hostage's head. That random hostage and his head did nothing to you. Next, Jango’s ninjas unmask to reveal sweaty men of diverse ethnic backgrounds. They are no Jango Fett from Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. I'll tell you that much.
Once they leave the room, Robin answers Conner's question concerning their hostage takers’ identities. She calls them, "separatists, fighting the spread of Western influence on their country." Robin is a little too knowledgeable for my liking. It’s as if she is watching the movie while being kidnapped in the movie. Despite Robin knowing too much, the ninjas return and take Conner away from the group instead. Get Robin, you fools. I bet she knows Jango Fett's sexual history. I bet she is beginning to understand that she in a sham marriage with Ted DiBiase. She has meta-knowledge.
Fancy Presentation Tube
At the makeshift military base, a diplomatic advisor strolls in to meet the commander and his soldiers. His fancy cylindrical tube holds blueprints to the resort. Joe Linwood intervenes and wants in on the hostage-saving action. The advisor responds to his request by introducing him to a band of mercenaries, who will serve as reinforcements during the hostage negotiations. The mercenaries want no part of Joe, which is understandable. A man wearing a shirt with perfectly symmetrical sweat stains should not be trusted.
Back at the dining area, Conner assures Jango Fett and his henchmen that they will get their money soon enough. Jango is not pleased, but tells his ninjas that his mystery plan is falling into place. Who are these people? The Nexus? Those guys never had a plan. Step one was putting an N on their shirts. Step two was winging it. Step three was considering the possibility of adding a second letter on their shirts. What a crummy plan.
Ted Stealthiase
Joe Linwood creeps through the jungle to follow the mercenaries as they approach hostage headquarters. At first, they are spooked by his presence. In the shadows, Joe resembles a muscly, boring, jungle ghost with minimal, jungle-ghost charisma. When Joe requests to take the first sniper shot, the mercenary leader hands him the gun.
Joe nails a ninja lookout in the mask with a bullet. He looks back, awaiting the mercenary leader's approval. Another mercenary hands him a handgun before taking back the rifle. Mercenaries do not know how to reward people. You don't give students a B for getting an A. These mercenaries should never give out prizes for anything.
Showdown
Overhearing the message from a henchmen's walkie-talkie, Cynthia informs Robin that Joe Linwood and His Merry Mercenary Men have been spotted. This statement is followed by a sequence in which Joe and His Merry Mercenary Men gracefully move through the dark waters. You better not mess with Joe Linwood. He has a smaller gun than before.
Near the walkway leading up to the resort, Joe and his allies come across a group of mercenaries who were shot in the back of the head — wine bottle style. Eventually, they realize that they have been set up. Traitors and ninjas attack them from all directions, wounding the mercenary's leg in the process. Following a hail of gunfire and explosions, Joe and his mercenary friend escape imminent danger with the help of a jeep. Since Joe has mastered the jeep, I fully expect the lead mercenary guy to reward him with a smaller jeep.
We surveyed 100 people who are one, saving us a lot of time...
*****
NEXT WEEK
Stop taking 7-Eleven's straws, then giving them to people as if they are personal gifts from you, Rey Mysterio. You are not aiding their thirst-quenching endeavours.
AND
Hooray. I got it. Smashed penny. This is... good... for me to have. Oh, smashed penny. We are gonna have some crazy times, you and me.
Tommy Dreamer is not a pretty boy. Brother Devon is not a pampered-pop celebrity, quelling rumours that he used to perform Color Me Badd covers under the name, "Dee Dee Rainbows." Does Raven look like a slave to the latest trends and fashions to you? Given that the worn-out, drugged-up hobo look is currently in style, I would answer with a maybe. You will never see Brother Ray on the cover of GQ, partly because he was featured in Esquire, Vogue and O Magazine last month. Brother Ray does not want to be a magazine cover hog.
Rob Van Dam did make history, being the first wrestler to confuse our parents and friends with his resemblance to action star Jean Claude Van Damme. "Is that the guy from Timecop?" "No, Mom. Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't wrestle." "Well, he definitely looks like him. I bet he is Jean Claude Van Damme. Why would he look like him if he isn't him?" "Okay, sure." Also, Rhino was part of a wildlife-related name revolution, putting him in elite company with The Pitbulls, "Lionheart" Chris Jericho and Steve The Galapagos Tortoise — the last of whom you rarely saw on television because his kind is on the brink of extinction. These men took their craft, their passion beyond the edge of extreme.
That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia is where they became stars and men. Together, they put on entertaining shows while allowing the arena to take their virginity. In that arena, they learned respect and honour. They learned how to make the world respect them, how to make their careers and names. Based on these testimonials, this arena was better than the Sylvan Learning Center. Take that, extracurricular education.
This week, The Swerved pays tribute. The Swerved fights alongside its brother and sister sites once again. This week, The Swerved comes home for it is forever hardcore and likes to have numerous one night stands with promiscuous randoms. Apparently, The Swerved is a ho. We together are forever hoes. This is what The Swerved does and the reason why it is what it is. This is a recap of "The Last Other Another One Night Stand."
10... 9...
And now, The Swerved presents "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." The Swerved is coming to you live from the home of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.
The broadcast team of "The Professor" Mike Tenay and "FTW 13" Tazz are announcing to you live in front of a large banner for “The Last Other Another One Night Stand". They are not in a basement, but in a dimly lit room with five lockers and a bench — the TNA backstage area standard.
That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Addresses the Audience
Hardcore fans in the Wrestling with Fancy and Pointy Garbage Zone are glad to see an appearance by the heart and soul of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Hardcore alumnus William “The Refrigerator” Chillington (Chilly Willy) is met with loud "Penguin Bonnet" chants. Earlier today, he looked into the eyes of the extreme athletes who are about to perform for the fans. This experience has given him the courage to promise that this night will be extreme, hardcore, and under the influence of hallucinogens.
Chillington addresses the haters who falsely labelled That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia as a bush league, blood and guts promotion. Backed by the crowd, Chillington insists that they revolutionized the wrestling business. For instance, they were the first promotion to promote the concept of using furniture as weapons. Back then, furniture was often used as a housewarming gift or part of a woman's dowry in a marriage. Tonight, Chillington invites those who continue to use furniture as gifts or dowry to kiss his ass. The "There Are Better Ways To Show Your Affection, Appreciation, and Dedication to Another Human Being" chants commence.
MATCH 1: Cole Coal (Simon Diamond) and The Boston Key Party (Johnny Swinger) w/ Dawn Marie (Dawn Marie) vs. Dorry Danning (Danny Doring) & No Electricity Streetdeath (Amish Roadkill) w/ Congenial Amy (Lita)
Observations: Years of deep thought and reflection has taken a toll on Cole Coal's chin, creating what appears to be the makings of a second and third chin. As for The Boston Key Party, business for his Old West prostitution ring is booming. Finally, I have come to the conclusion that Dorry Danning and No Electricity Streetdeath is an odd pairing. You have an Amish chicken lover tagging up with a traditional chicken lover. Story of the Match: Cole Coal has a problem. That problem is front butt. Danning and Streetdeath spend the majority of the match mistaking his front for his back, leading to many hilarious misunderstandings. At ringside, Dawn spends her time running away from Amy's airborne toenail clippings. Finish: Coal and Party pin Danning with the Problem Solver, which solves all problems except the most important one affecting our young children today — American obesity. They should have hit him with the Temporary Solution, replacing Chicken McNuggets with apple slices in all McDonald's Happy Meals. Rating: ***
Where Are They Now?
In a fascinating segment, various extreme alumni reveal what has become of them. Former That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Champion Bobby Lashley is married to Kristal Marshall and continues to venture into the mixed world of mixed martial arts. Hardcore Holly is angry about something. In the last video, Mike Knox drives up in his retro car with Mike Knox’s Beard in the passenger seat. He gives a shout out to his extreme brothers and thanks the fans for their dedication to the brand. Without them, he says that there wouldn't be a Mike Knox, a Kevin Thorn, a Big Daddy V, or a Kelly Kelly.
The Swerved Remembers...
In a series of sit-down interviews, well-known fans of the brand recall their fondest memories. This guy I met at Sears while shopping for electronics remembers when Tommy Dreamer lost a match. The Swerved's fourteen-year-old cousin Swervette did not get to watch That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia until this reunion show. She fondly remembers that time she was asked to recall a fond memory of the company in a sit-down interview at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." Swervette liked that the sit-down interview was different. The energy in that interview was unlike any other that was ever conducted.
A Shiny Segment
In a bathroom that somehow features five lockers and a bench, a group of familiar faces look disgruntled in their black track pants and sleeveless shirts. To give you a hint, they do not have hair. They were your favourite team when That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia ran shows on TNN. They are Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) — "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies).
Alec, Daniel, and Stephen state that times have changed, but staple guns are still in fashion. Although the emergence of staple removers in 2000 threatened their simple way of life, they were able to get through it by figuring out how to staple one staple remover to another. Tonight, The Bald Ones vow to drive staples into their opponents' heads until they run out of them. Due to the state of the economy, The Swerved has granted them one staple in total. They must use it wisely. If they are tempted by the sight of two sheets of paper floating away from each other in the summer breeze, that is their fault.
MATCH 2: Justifiably Incredible Pyjamas (Justin Credible) vs. Lance Weather Disturbance (Lance Storm)
Observations: That's not just the footy pjyamas. That's not just the knitted pyjamas. Those are justifiably incredible pyjamas with easy access flaps on both ends. A few days prior to the event, the management team had to convince Lance to participate in the event. Once they granted him unlimited cabbage patch dances in the match, he was game. Story of the Match: The familiarity between these former tag partners leads to reversals galore, including Pyjamas and Weather Disturbance switching clothes in the middle of the contest. Pyjamas frequent attempts to use the Singapore cane are halted by Storm, who uses Pyjamas' former manager Jason Day (Jason Knight) as his own cane. Finish: Setting him up for a Super Kick, Pyjamas ducks, grabs a Never Ending Pasta Bowl from the Olive Garden, and nails Storm for the pinfall. That was too much pasta for one man, let alone one weather disturbance. Rating: ***1/2
The Swerved Remembers Something It Forgot...
The sit-down interviews continue with members of the TNA roster reflecting on That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Lacey Von Erich claims that the promotion put hardcore wrestling on the map, mostly due to fans writing "Hardcore Wrestling" on their official city, state, and country maps. AJ Styles remembers the company enough to not get a abnormally large tattoo of it on a visible part of his body. Mr. Anderson added his thoughts about the promotion, but he looks kind of weird in this interview. Nobody was listening.
Mr. Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday Evening and the Old Whistleblower
Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) talks to Billzo (Bill Alfonso) about his cancelled match against Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn). Von Rob was so excited to face Gerald that he did not bother to wear pants for this segment. Billzo encourages Von Rob to put on some pants because he will be facing a homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, insecticidal, mail-order bridal, death-defying maniac. Von Rob talks about his history with (S. Abu) Sabu until Billzo informs him that he was referring to Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs).
MATCH 3: Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) as "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies) vs. Hollywood Simone Deene (Nova), Big Richard Cool Spot (Stevie Richards), and The Phthalocyanine Gentleman (The Blue Meanie) as “The International Organization of Cyan” (The BWO)
Observations: Big Richard Cooler is in good shape. Hollywood Simone Deene is in better shape. He should thank Bobby Lashley for force-feeding him that plate of cheeseburgers. The Phthalocyanine Gentleman is a nice person. In the case of The Bald Ones, I think one of them is wearing a transparent weave. Story of the Match: Two minutes into the match, The Bald Ones face their greatest adversary in the form of a faulty staple gun. After jamming their only staple in the gun, Da Bald Ones try to staple-gun whip the iOc as an alternative. In retaliation, the International Organization of Cyan draw over their beards, sunglasses, and eyebrows with serious versions of them. Now, their beards aren't trimmed. They aren't balancing their sunglasses on their nose as seen in 80s films about teenagers driving before they are legally allowed to take the wheel. Finally, they are sporting down-turned eyebrows. The iOc mean business. Finish: The iOc give Alec Bald One the Blue Light Special on the staple gun, souring the Bald Ones on such office weaponry forever. Rating: **1/2
No Time for Rest
The Swerved, Mike Tenay, and Tazz would like to acknowledge that this remembrance of extreme individuals who are longer with us is over.
MATCH 4: Three Way Dance Tiejitsu (Tajiri) w/ Shipwrecking Mikael (Mikey Whipwreck) vs. Loco Jheri Curl (Super Crazy) vs. Psychology Major (Psicosis)
Observations: Tiejistu has poor posture. Being a buzzsaw of Japanese descent for several years is not good for your back. Jheri Curl has not changed much since his stint mowing the cement floors of live WWE events, except he is a tad bigger. He must be thankful for his full body wrestling gear because it doubles as a convenient Mexican girdle. Since we last saw Psychology Major, Jheri Curl's Mexicoolian peer has majored in Horticulture. How the tables have turned, Psychology Major. How the tables have turned. Story of the Match: For half of the Three Way Dance, Tietsu, Loco Jheri Curl, and Psychology Major engage in a standoff without even executing a series of moves. Clenching their fists in front of them, they wait for a round of enthusiastic applause from the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone. Following a smattering of applause, they moonsault the fudge out of each other. Finish: The three wrestlers fall off the top turnbuckle in a Tower of Inside Cradles spot. Hundreds of kick outs later, Psicosis legs fall off, leading to his demise at the hands and feet of Tiejitsu. With two men remaining, Tiejitsu mists Jheri Curl in the middle of another inside cradle. Unfortunately, he gets hit with contact mist for being too close to his opponent. This mistake allows Jheri Curl to cradle Tiejitsu for the win. Rating: ****
The Swerved Mailed A Memory To Itself, But Forgot What It Was...
Hugh Jackman — star of stage and screen — is dressed up as a casual Brutus Magnus. He reminisces about That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia's adamantium skeleton. He is especially surprised at the fact that while the promotion had healing powers, it could not revive itself after filing for bankruptcy. In turn, World Wrestling Entertainment has a staff and throws playing cards at people. That is why WWE is alive and well in 2010.
Next, Ric Flair compliments the extreme wrestlers for their hard work and dedication to professional wrestling, then chastises them for glorifying blood and ultra violence. Ric ends the interview by bleeding out from his hair. The blood in Flair's hair starts to bleed as well.
MATCH 5: The Freezing Temperature Scorpion (2 Cold Scorpion) and the Remnants of Terry Funk (Terry Funk) vs. Brother Ray and Brother Devon as Team 3-D (Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley as the Dudley Boyz) w/ Joel Gertner's Coat (Joel Gertner)
Observations: Modern crowds are still amused by Joel Gertner's dirty limericks, but he is starting to run out of ideas. His limerick at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand" was rather disappointing: "It is I. The male reproductive organ in her female reproductive organ, the man who wakes up early on Sunday to visit her local flea market for a bargain, and the one who helps her shop for laundry detergent at Target. The Lyrical Miracle, the Sexual Intellectual, and the Quintessential Stud Muffin. Joel 'Has anybody here seen Breaking Bad on AMC? It's a good show, man. You should watch it. Let me lend you the DVD.' Gertner." Story of the Match: Brother Ray and Brother Devon must cope with the Remnants of Terry Funk, who is wearing two ladders on his shoulders. He is spinning around pretty fast for someone over 60 years of age. He resembles a demented helicopter about to take flight. Finish: The crowd at the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone engage in a fun chanting duel. Half of the crowd want tables. The other half want fire. Obviously, Brother Ray and Brother Devon have to make a decision because they do not see any way that they can have both. Moments later, they put their opponents through fire which they manipulated into the shape of two tables. At least, they want you to think that the fire looks like two tables. I don't see it. They may have made two fiery ottomans, but those are not tables, sir and other sir. Once Scorpion and Terry Funk are involuntary cremated, the two teams embrace. Rating: **1/2
Enter The Booked Suite
In the darkness, Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman) talks about his experiences with Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) and Grunge Bird (Raven). Before he owned a successful chain of 3-to-4 star hotels, he remembers giving Timothy ten shots with his Singapore cane. Even though he remembers when Grunge Bird brainwashed his son Tyler into joining the Flock as well, he did not enjoy it as much as those cane shots. America Pants concludes the promo by saying that he looks forward to fighting Timothy and Grunge Bird one last time, but can't wait to get back to WWE for the eventual ECW on Sci-Fi/SyFy reunion. He has not forgotten about Big Dick Johnson.
MATCH 6: Three Way Dance Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) vs. Grunge Bird (Raven) vs. Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman)
Observations: Timothy has brought his wife Mother Trisa (Beulah McGillicutty — relative of Michael McGillicutty), his twin daughters Brianna and Kimberly, his extended family, a dignified woman with opera glasses, and two workers with a pane of glass to ringside. America Pants has brought himself to the match, which is all that matters. Grunge Bird forgot to bring a mirror. He never said he was going to bring a mirror, but he shouldn't look at himself right now for that might depress him. Story of the Match: The three put on the most violent match of the night, highlighted by Grunge Bird and America Pants presenting a bloody Timothy to his ringside guests. Grunge Bird moves Timothy's jaw up and down like a puppet, while America Pants moves his arms and legs with barbed wire strings. Trisa and Timothy's extended family think Grunge Bird should be ashamed of himself. Timothy's twin daughters don't care for references to The Sound of Music. The woman with opera glasses has fainted in a melodramatic manner, tumbling up and over the guardrail. The two workers with a pane of glass have left. The pane of glass does nothing for it is a glass pane. Finish: In a drunken state, Sleepy Head America Pants handcuffs Daydreaming Timothy's hands behind his back. Unbeknownst to him, America Pants handcuffed his opponent while resting back first on the mat, inadvertently pinning himself under the weight of Timothy. Following a barrage of garbage can lid, steel chair, and road sign shots, Grunge Bird handcuffs Timothy's legs to his handcuffed hands. Just as Grunge Bird is about to win the match with the Evenflow DDT, Arthritis, Measles, and Chickenpox show up. At first, Grunge Bird is happy to see the newest members of the Flock, until he is stricken with arthritis, measles, and chickenpox. As he is taken to the hospital, Tommy Dreamer loses by default. Rating: ****1/2
Shout Out to Skullet and Extreme Harry Potter
Several alumni wish Joey Styles and Paul Heyman could be with them, celebrating all the fun they had at That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia. The wrestlers have been calling them on their brick phones, paging them on their pagers, and faxing documents over to them on their fax machines. These wrestlers do not have much experience with modern technology, but they don't need experience. Brick phones, pagers, and fax machines revolutionized the communication business. You people with your computers, your skinny mobile phones, and your skinny mobile phones that double as computers don't get it and will never get it.
MATCH 7: Main Event Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) w/ Billzo (Bill Alfonso) vs. Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs)
Observations: Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn) is out with a serious back injury. He could have wrestled in this match, but believed that last Saturday night was alright for fighting. Judging by his back injury, I will respectfully disagree with him. In honour of his old self, Riggly Scott is wearing two eye patches. He cannot see a thing. Story of the Match: Von Rob utilizes an aerial assault to take his opponent off his feet. At the same time, Riggly Scott wears Von Rob down in anticipation for "The Clapper" (his version of the Sharpshooter, which is known in wrestling circles to transmit chlamydia if both wrestlers are positioned in the right place). Billzo's whistling has been put to good use here, doubling as a grating annoyance while drawing attention to the severity of venereal disease. Finish: In the middle of the ring, Riggly Scott is ready to clap on "The Clapper." Taking way too much time to position his opponent and himself for the submission move, Von Rob escapes, hits Scott with the Von Daminator, the Von Terminator, and the Von Assinator (rolling butt suplex). He ends with the Five Star Frog Splash for the pinfall victory. Rating: *****
Thank You
That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia alumni make their way down to the ring to congratulate both men on a fantastic match. Daydreaming Timothy cleans himself up to thank the crowd and viewers at home. He asks the individual who made it all possible to join them for this celebration. A haunting silence takes over the arena as they anticipate the mystery man or woman's arrival.
On cue, Dixie Carter comes out wearing a leather skirt and extreme beret. She thanks the alumni for putting on a great show. As Brother Ray and Brother Devon are about to lift Dixie up on their shoulders, she takes out two Singapore canes and strikes them in the skull. Daydreaming Timothy tries to hold Dixie back. In response, she spits beer in his face and low blows him with the canes.
The rest of the one-night roster jump her, but Dixie manages to roll out of the ring. She lifts the ring skirt and unveils a shopping cart full of guitars (for the heavyweight wrestlers), banjos (for the middleweight wrestlers), and ukuleles (for the cruiserweights. Before each hit, she pretends to play the instruments in a style reminiscent of Hulk Hogan playing the WCW Championship.
With bodies lying everywhere, Dixie takes out a box of cigars and smokes five at once. Stephanie McMahon is on notice. The show ends.
We surveyed 100 kids who had to buy a personality...
*****
NEXT WEEK
If you want relive the good times of ECW, watch the widescreen version of TNA Hardcore Justice: The Last Stand in fullscreen mode. That way, everyone will look younger and skinnier.
AND
What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood? We got another thing coming undone and it's taking us over.
Over the years, readers have grown to consider me an expert on all things professional wrestling. If you have a wrestling-related question in mind, I may have already answered it several times before. What does it take to run a successful wrestling promotion? Who will be the next mainstream megastar and why? Due to my condition down there, is it possible for my husband and I to have children? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, you must admit that I am the most informed professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist that no money can buy. You can't name a professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist who is better than me because that person does not exist. I know more about WWE, TNA, and their lady holes than they could ever know.
Being this knowledgeable has its disadvantages, though. While I am out in public, ready and willing to answer wrestling-related queries behind back alleys, fans are looking for a more down-to-earth and relatable answer man. Why question the all-knowing one when you can get a quicker reply from a normal, like-minded peer? I respect those who prefer to get their answers as if they are speeding past a drive-thru window of knowledge, but I do not recommend others to take this convenient route. In the end, fast questions will produce processed, greasy, and bland answers with a ton of trans fat.
Thanks to online services like Yahoo! Answers, random strangers are being treated as authorities on subjects like professional wrestling. I'm sure PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless are smart people with good intentions, but why should you trust them more than me? I do not hide behind a username, nor do I protect my true identity with a pseudonym. Besides, that ninja betrayed his friends by carrying out his ninja duties, bottomless and cold. Every day, PantlessNinja08674 is disobeying the Ninja Code of Honour. Unlike other buttfaces, Buttface_Da_Merciless does not show compassion toward his butt-faced brethren. These individuals are anything but trustworthy authorities on any subject.
As a gift to the wrestling community, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to respond to questions on Yahoo! Answers. I have not committed any illegal crimes to justify this community service, but I might have to if people like PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless keep leading wrestling fans astray. You guys think you know. Let me tell you that you have no idea. I am "The Answering Machine." Leave a question at the beep, son.
How Many Roads Must A Melina Walk Down Before They Call Her A Melina?
To say the least, Be Miz is shocked that Melina Perez has returned to Monday Night RAW. When Melina Tripplehorn returned to RAW, he didn't even care. According to the ratio of exclamation to question marks in his question, he is eight times more excited than confused for Melina's return. Ever since her injury, Be Miz must have been hoarding these exclamation marks in his home, as seen in that new TLC show, Exclamation Mark Hoarders. He did not know how it happened, but it could have something to do with the recent passing of his two periods.
During a late 2009 house show, Melina tore her ACL in a six-woman tag match. Despite doctors proving that her injury was legitimate, World Wrestling Entertainment did not believe that the tear was serious. After all those times she did the splits under the bottom rope without injury, WWE wondered how could she injure herself, taking part in such a meaningless stunt like wrestling in a six-woman tag match. Every week, they invited her to make her return, but only if she could walk from Manchester, New Hampshire — where she suffered the injury — to the site of the next show. Almost eight months later, Melina was able to walk to San Antonio for the August 2nd edition of RAW. Although they are glad to have her back, World Wrestling Entertainment still believes that she faked the whole thing.
Brett "The Indecision Man" Favre
Good question, deerhunter20068. For a while, I have been wondering when Brett Favre would agree to go to TNA. Out of all the wrestling-related questions I would love to answer, that one is near the top of my list. Brett has been on the fence for the entire wrestling off-season, but I think I have an idea about his next move after consulting with my sources.
World Wrestling Entertainment's guy is Aaron Rodgers, which has forced Brett out of the company. The addition of Mark Sanchez to Ring of Honor takes away another option for him, too. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has a strong offense, what with the fact that people are often offended by their brand of professional wrestling. Brett would be a perfect fit for the aging core, but is the price right?
He is commanding big money. I'm talking about TNA Knockout money. I'm talking about three cents and a wooden bowl of rice per appearance. Brett Favre is used to two bowls of rice, but he will settle for one if he can come in minutes before a Pay-Per-View, main event it, and try to win the championship. For weeks, he has been wrestling with high school kids in Mississippi, throwing around the body. He's good to go. Just say when.
The Beef
I wouldn't be surprised if Scott Hall had a real-life feud going with Goldust. In particular, I remember their 1996 storyline being rather risqué. Goldust used mind games to gain an advantage over “The Bad Guy,” showing his man-love for Razor with heart-shaped tattoos and inappropriate touching. Even though this storyline was darker and dirtier than most in the WWF’s cartoon era, I think Goldust took it a little bit too far for Hall's liking. As wrestlers, their job is to entertain the fans and make money. Depending upon the person, inappropriate touching is not its own reward.
With that said, I doubt Scott Hall would want to bring Dustin Rhodes' brother into their rivalry. Cody Rhodes has nothing to do with the time when Scott Hall and Goldust shared a steak dinner. That beef is between those two gentlemen. I'm sure it was delicious, yet expensive. Goldust must have handed over the cheque to him. That is why Hall is so mad.
Dream Card
WrestleMania XXIV has come and gone, except in the heart of Jason. In his world, RAW, SmackDown, and TNA have come together to put on the best WrestleMania XXIV imaginable. From top to bottom, I am impressed by the star power on this card. In addition to modern-day stars like Chyna, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and Al Snow, we've got up-and-coming talents in the form of Triple H, The Undertaker, and Kane. With this many superstars in every match, who will come out victorious? I think I can tell you.
1st Match: Big Show will defeat Shamus — a bunch of ShamWows piled on top of each other to form a ShamWow statue of Sheamus — by forcing it to soak up way too much water.
2nd Match: Former Cuban President Fidel Castro will help Tazz win the Hell in a Cell Match. Out of the four participants, Castro will declare Tazz the automatic winner due to his resemblance to a stocky Cuban cigar. Put a pair of orange sunglasses on a stocky Cuban cigar. You'll understand.
3rd Match: Randy Orton will win the WWE Championship over The Undertaker, Sting, and Mick Foley by angry pinfall. All three men will wander and crawl around the ring, out of position for punts and RKOs aplenty, leading Randy to rage his way to the title.
4th Match: Hulk Hogan will win Money in the Bank because this is his specialty match. In the past, he has gone through hip replacement surgeries, but only to make room for robotic hips with built-in springs. He does not need a ladder. He will hop once and grab the title off the hook. Meanwhile, Rob Van and D'Lo Brown will stick to their ground game and come close.
5th Match: D-Generation X. The Four Horsemen. The Guys Who Always Pound Ass. Three legendary teams in one cage is too much for me. I put my money on Bradshaw and Farooq. They know how to pound ass with efficiency. The other two teams are novices.
Main Event: Shane McMahon will win. How are you supposed to defeat a guy who can fall from anywhere without getting hurt? The more you drop him on his head, the more he will dance. Shane is unstoppable.
Too Many Referees on the Referee Floor
I think tman02 has a right to feel insecure. Some wrestling fans are uncomfortable watching unlicensed referees call official matchups. "You're not licensed, but you're counting the pinfall. Is this call official, or must we take this decision up to the North American Wrestling Commission?"
Personally, I believe that you can never have too many special referees. When one of your regular referees goes down with the flu after feeling the forceful wind of a grazing punch, who is going to save him? You will need the assistance of a second referee. Then, what happens when the second referee gets knocked out by a spinning foot? You bring out a third referee. If that third referee suffers an accidental blow to any part of his body or hair, he's a goner, too. Who will save him now? A fourth referee? Is TNA made of money or something? Anybody who has one hand, owns a shirt with stripes, and has the ability to count to three is good enough for them.
Why can't they be good enough for you?
The Mixed Martial Grappler
For an evil version of Barney made up of several pink women, this question does not seem that evil. Perhaps Evil Barney has mellowed out over the years. Has he found love with Baby Bop? If that is the case, you are one evil dinosaur, purple sir. I would like to have a word with you. Come to my house with fruity alcohol and prophylactics. When you enter, make yourself at home in the kitchen. I just need to change my clothes, do the laundry, or change my laundry. Don't mind the police outside the windows. They're tending to the garden.
To answer your question, I would say that Rey Mysterio has a great chance to succeed in MMA. While he is small in stature, he will get to fight in his own weight class. Plus, fans of the UFC are no different than those of WWE in that they love their underdogs.
Then again, I can't see Rey Mysterio using submission holds or anything. He will have to use his wrestling skills to get victories. If the referee or one of the judges would be kind enough to open the cage door for him during a round, Rey can swing around and hit his opponent with the 619 for the knockout. Before he makes contact, his opponent will have to climb up the cage and drape his body over the cage wall, but I'm sure that won't be a big problem.
How To Invent The Wrestler
Don't let the name of Stu Pidazz fool you. His posterior may be stupid, but judging by his question, the rest of him is somewhat intelligent. Using my own two hands and brain, he has allowed me to build an ideal professional wrestler. In real life, I am not in favour of playing Wrestling God for he is one of the weaker deities. Monster Truck God and Roller Derby God laugh in the face of Wrestling God. For this question, I am willing to make an exception.
Using my creative powers, I present to you my professional wrestler. His name is H. Colton Jeffries. When he is not having yacht parties on the speedboat that is sitting in his parents' front yard, he is wrestling in boat shoes and five colourful polo shirts. His finisher is an obscure Japanese move that he calls, "Working On My Screenplay At Starbucks." His entrance music is "The Penicillin Donkey Comes to Town (Space People Like Their Earth Medicine)" by a band that sounds similar to The Arcade Fire. He carries around a guitar that he does not know how to play. This person is based on a friend of mine. On second thought, this person is based on a friend of a friend of mine. Yes.
Real Talk
Wrestling (WWE to be exact) is fake? Therefore, The Doors are certain that TNA Wrestling is the only thing that is real? That's it. I'm gone. Jim Morrison would never lie to me.
Whoever wants to join me, I'm about to watch this gritty documentary about the Matrix. This is your last chance, unless we are currently in the Matrix. We're in the Matrix, aren't we? We're in the Matrix part of the Matrix. We are in the fake part of the fake whole that is the Matrix within the Matrix. I should've known. They're still wrestling in a professional manner in here and I don't like it one bit.
