Eric Bischoff claims that his new ranking system will change the way wrestling fans think about TNA. Although I support Eric's innovative endeavours into the wild world of ranking, I believe I can be just as revolutionary as him. Loyal readers of The Swerved know my track record. The number of innovative concepts that I have presented for the betterment of the wrestling industry have been infinite.
While WWE and TNA did not actually use any of those concepts, I got the feeling that they wanted to. If they ever use my ideas, millions of dollars will be made. Let me assure you — exhibition wrestling will catch on with the masses. Unlike typical, professional wrestling matches, wrestlers will participate in wrestling exhibition galas. They will put on sparkly, themed clothing and grapple to the beat of Tori Amos without ever going for the pin.
Before you jump to your ridiculous conclusions, I don't plan to overshadow Bischoff's plan. In fact, I want to help his ranking system succeed with the help of a point-based subsystem. The Swerved's point system is unlike any other system you have seen in wrestling, borrowing elements from professional sports like hockey, football, and Lithuanian handball. After I lay out the details of this system, I urge Eric Bischoff and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling to take it and adopt it as their own. Since this system was a baby, I have fed and nurtured it. Now that it has grown its wings, I want that system to fly. I told you this was a good system. It has wings.
Once this system comes into play, expect the majority of young WWE fans to migrate over to TNA. Since I used to be a young lad, I know what the children love. Other than colourful building blocks and financial planning, they dig point systems. As always, Vince McMahon is not aware of current trends and will most likely not even think about using this system. Therefore, I transfer this money-making concept over to a group who actually know some of what they are doing. Best of luck, TNA.
- The ten wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth.
- The wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a guaranteed shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one wrestler accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will get the chance to vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the #1 ranked wrestler cannot compete at that Pay-Per-View, fans will once gain vote for who they believe deserves the shot.
- In the event that the fans are unable to vote for who they believe deserves the shot, the heavyweight division will gather in a circle somewhere backstage. At that point, a member of TNA Management will stand in the middle of the circle, close their eyes, and spin around really fast. Once they are dizzy, they will hold up a finger and point at a random wrestler. In order for the wrestler to be officially chosen, the appointed member of TNA Management must say, "That one."
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Reverse disqualification win: 5 points
Reverse disqualification loss: 10 points
Inverted win: 0 points
Inverted loss: 0 points
Phantom win: 2 transparent points
Phantom loss: The ghost of 2 transparent points
Orlando Jordan rubs lotion on you: 20 pity points
You rub lotion on Orlando Jordan: Whatever butters your biscuit. We're not here to judge.
That wasn't lotion: -100 points
November Pay-Per-View: Turning Point
- The ten global wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the second I look up the difference between a world and a globe in the dictionary to the instant I start to wonder what being a TNA World Champion means — will be ranked from first to tenth. If a wrestler explains to me that the world of TNA is a separate, alternate universe where a champion must be crowned, I will politely nod, then walk away. My head hurts. Wait; is there a difference between a global champion and a TNA Global Champion, too? Holy Jebus.
- The global wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Global Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one global wrestler accumulates the same number of points in one ranking period, screw it. I'm just going to buy every ranked wrestler a snow globe. Although, I bet at least one of them will ask for a snow world and blow my mind again.
- If the #1 ranked global wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, I'm making fans look on the internet for snow worlds. Maybe they can buy them in bulk. Total Nonstop Action Management and I don't have time for this.
Global pinfall win: ?
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Global pinfall loss: ?
Submission win: 3 points
Global submission win?
Submission loss: -1 point
Global submission loss: ?
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Global disqualification/Count out win: A world disqualification/count out win?
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Global disqualification/Count out loss: ?
Knowing the difference between a world and a globe: Priceless?
- The ten X-Division wrestlers who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the first, post-Pay-Per-View Impact to the last episode before a Pay-Per-View — will be ranked from first to tenth. The wrestlers who are not on this list can smoke all the marijuana cigarettes they want. Brian Kendrick will take up the eleventh to ninety-ninth spot.
- The X-Division wrestler who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the X-Division Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one X-Division wrestler accumulates the same number of points during a ranking period, fans will vote for the fastest man who can fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption.
- If the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler cannot compete at the Pay-Per-View, the second and third ranked wrestlers will compete in a match for the vacant #1 rank. Total Nonstop Action Management has a zero tolerance policy on #1 ranked X-Division wrestlers who are unable to fly back to a TNA event after a volcanic eruption. If you are a #1 ranked X-Division wrestler, you should be able to control volcanoes.
- If fans believe that the #1 ranked X-Division wrestler is not responsible for missing his championship match, the volcanoes have already won.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss: -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Successfully exiting a red cage: 5 points
Successfully exiting a red cage after three years: -1 point
LLYGAF: 4 points
NLLYGAF: -4 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your Kindle: -20 points
Loading up Shannon Moore's The Book of DILLIGAF on your iPad: -20 points with digital page-turning capabilities
Cheating on Traci Brooks: 0 points
Cheating on Traci Brooks because she has that huge space between her breasts: I see your point, but wrestling marriages are as sacred as The Book of LLYGAF
Other weight divisions: limits
The Outer: limits
The X-Division: 0 limits
- The ten tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the start to the end of one calendar month — will be ranked first to tenth. Within this ranking period, many tag teams will show fatigue. In their tired state, it is their responsibility to desperately clothesline their opponents and hot-tag another tag team onto the list.
- The tag team that is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one tag team accumulates the same number of points during one ranking period, two sets of fans will enter the ring in referee's shirts and simultaneously count the points. As each set of fans raise the hands of a tag team, the referees will argue in exaggerated fashion, leading to an intense, feud-ending recount.
- If the #1 ranked TNA tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the tough and rough tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will return and take their place.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Getting the tables: 1 point
Setting the tables: 2 points
Turning the tables 3 points
Earning the tables: 4 points
Burning the tables: Ruining perfectly good tables.
Yearning for tables: Weird.
- The ten TNA Knockouts who receive the most points in a single ranking period — from the end of TNA's "Time of the Month" to seconds prior to the start of TNA's next "Time of the Month" — will be ranked from first to tenth. Throughout this ranking period, management will ask TNA what's wrong. Apparently, management should already know what's wrong without having to ask. Don't bother TNA right now. She feels bloated and unattractive at the moment.
- The TNA Knockout who is ranked #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Knockouts Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than one TNA Knockout accumulates the same number of points during that ranking period, fans will vote for the woman with the pointiest elbows. The woman voted to be the one with the pointiest elbows will receive a title shot, but will not receive any attention from the handsome, wealthy, and successful fan base.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Knockout is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, remember Sirelda? Man, that was something.
- If fans do not believe that any of the women have pointy elbows, select TNA Knockouts will compete in a number one contender's match. The woman who can sharpen her elbows and defeat her opponents with said elbows will become the new contender to the TNA Knockouts Championship.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Picking the right box: The TNA Knockouts Championship or a spider, who can make you a TNA Knockouts Championship out of silk.
Picking the wrong box: 0 points
Lacey Von Erich: 5 points
Successfully executing a standing backflip, which somehow increases momentum for an elbow drop: Pointless.
Awesome Kong: 1 release
- The ten TNA Women's tag teams who receive the most points in a single ranking period — the duration of an average WWE Divas tag match — will be ranked from first to tenth. Because TNA has about two women's tag teams in total, each team will appear five times on the list to round it out.
- The TNA Women's tag team that is ranked at #1 will gain a shot at the TNA Women's Tag Team Championship at a future Pay-Per-View. If more than TNA Women's tag team receives the same number of points at the end of the ranking period, fans will try to vote, only to realize that the company has about two women's tag teams in total. To distract fans from this realization, commercials for Blue Mountain State will play.
- If the #1 ranked TNA Women's tag team is unable to compete at the Pay-Per-View, the luscious and curvy tandem of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs will dip themselves in chocolate and take their place. They will become "The Tasty Boys."
- In the event that the TNA Women's Tag Team Champions are released, Blue Mountain State will be on television soon. College life is almost like regular life, except it is in college.
Pinfall loss: 0 points
Submission win: 3 points
Submission loss -1 point
Disqualification/Count out win: 1 point
Disqualification/Count out loss: -2 points
Prolonged entrance dance routine: 20 points
Brief entrance dance routine: 0.1 points
Becoming the third TNA Women's tag team: 50 points
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