It's official: Hulkamania has migrated to TNA for the winter. From there, it should run wild. In a move that will surely put Total Nonstop Action Wrestling on a map that hasn't been invented yet, Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff are taking control. At this moment, somewhere in the distance, a man is shaking in his boots. I think that man is Vince McMahon. I, for one, feel sorry for the multi-million-dollar, WWE Chairman. First of all, his son has severed ties with the company. Now, with Hogan in TNA, who's Vince going to call when he needs a shocking Pay-Per-View cameo? He can only call Steve Austin so many times before he gets annoyed. One time, Vince phoned Stone Cold while he was taking a relaxing bath with beer salts. Austin was not happy.
With Jeff Jarrett out of the picture and barely hanging onto the frame, Hogan and Bischoff are ready to take TNA to the top. While the doubters doubt that this tight-knit duo can change TNA for the better, they are more mistaken than ever. Hulk Hogan back in wrestling is a good thing. Eric Bischoff reuniting with Vince Russo is a super good thing. If Bischoff and Russo can duplicate the success they had in running WCW circa 2000, TNA is in for many decades of monetary wealth. The New Blood shall rise again, raining thick corn syrup that doesn't go where it's supposed to, no matter how hard they try.
In the past, Hulk and Eric knew how to make superstars. In 2009, I think they can work their Orlando magic with the current crop of TNA talent. Ask Billy Kidman what Hulk Hogan did for his career and he will tell you a mouthful in a way that is informative, yet not charismatic at all. Ask Diamond Dallas Page about Eric Bischoff's influence on his career and he will tell you facts in an overly optimistic manner — a manner that is open to some sensual swinging.
In the eternal fight against the evil empire that is World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action shall be the victors. How do I know this outcome? Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff's mere presence in TNA have guaranteed this outcome to be true. Before we look at the benefits of their involvement with the promotion, let me cook something delicious for us on my Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill. As we dine on flank steak, TNA will dig into its future greatness.
In his prime, you saw him win tag team title after title with Jerry Sags in WWF and WCW. For years, you heard him at Tampa Bay Rays games, being a standout, obnoxious, fat heckler behind home plate. On television, you watched him on Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling reality show, teaching D-level celebrities about the fine art of technical wrestling — Brian Knobbs style. With Hogan's signing in TNA, get ready for some mullet-y, Mohawk-like, rat-tail-esque action. I'm not sure what to call his haircut, but I'm liking it. I'm liking it a lot. His haircut is like a wild animal, which he has tamed to rest atop his beautiful head. If you're not down with Brian Knobbs in TNA, you best believe that you're living in Pity City because I pity you and your ignorance.
Before Hulk Hogan made bandanas famous, they were relegated to the craniums of tough bikers, effeminate pirates, and gangsters doubling as doctors. Due to the struggling economy, today’s supply and demand of bandanas remain at an all-time low. Everywhere you look, tough bikers are wearing fancy bowler hats. These bikers battle for territory against other tough bikers, who wear those Puritan hats with the large buckle on it. Effeminate pirates have traded in their bandanas for silk neckerchiefs and pashmina shawls. Meanwhile, gangsters doubling as doctors are simply using disposable face masks, which is a wise choice for such individuals in their profession. Hogan's arrival to TNA can only lift the stock of bandanas. Hulk Hogan's interest in bandanas increases my own interest. His bandanas are something else. I think they give him super powers.
If you're not convinced, Horace Hogan never wore a bandana. Look where he is now. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you his general or exact location. He’s not wearing a bandana.
Listen, buttheads and buttressheads. Jason Hervey is an talented actor and producer. Even though he is not a professional wrestler or wrestling personality, he did get it on with Missy Hyatt. That act of getting it on with Missy Hyatt makes him more of a professional wrestler than actually wrestling in a professional fashion. If you're an up-and-comer who wants to break into a wrestling business, you can do one of two things: get in Missy Hyatt's Regency or train hard for a decade. Either way, you’ll be set.
Hervey's working relationship and personal friendship with Eric Bischoff should get him a role in TNA. Perhaps, he shall be one of eight commissioners in the promotion. His job will involve booking himself in matches against Fred "The Macho Man" Savage for the rights to the Arnold family furniture business. Outdated reference alert.
Whether Hogan knows best or Brooke knows best, I feel safe and secure knowing that Brooke Hogan sings like an angel. Do not be hating with your hater glasses on your hater face, and your hater galoshes in the hating rain. She's just trying to live, but you're all up in her grill and similar outdoor cooking appliances. How is a girl to breathe with all the media staring down her angelic mouth with a four-inch lens, which extends to five inches when excited? Brooke just wants to hit the mall with some of her friends and whore it up via hulking.
Brooke's brand of sexually suggestive pop music has not come ten years too late. If anything, Brooke's music is ahead of its time. Her music must have been made in the year 1999 A.S.C.E. (After Second Common Era). As Hulk comes to TNA, I have no doubt that he will bring his daughter along to sing national anthems aplenty. Those people on vacation at Universal Studios deserve to be treated to her timeless tunes. Their vacation would not be a vacation without Brooke Hogan’s music.
Hulk Hogan is one of the biggest stars to ever step one or two wrestling foots in a wrestling ring. Around the world, his name is synonymous with professional wrestling. Gold diggers in that same world like to dig their gold from guys who are rich and famous. I am not surprised that the rich and famous Hulk Hogan can get attractive girls at his age, but I wonder why he would date women who resemble his own daughter. In most countries, dating your own daughter is sort of looked down upon, so at least Hogan is keeping things legal. On second thought, gross, dude. You're dating girls who look like Brooke Hogan. Now that you have additional exposure in TNA, you're only going to attract more clones of Brooke Hogan. In Florida, Brooke clones are everywhere. I know how it is. I've seen CSI: Miami. I’ve heard their sound machine.
From his series of reality shows produced by Eric Bischoff and Jason Hervey, I have learned many things about Scott Baio. For instance, depending on the type of day and weather condition, Scott Baio is single, married, and or pregnant.
The former star of Happy Days, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Charles in Charge has many accomplishments to his name, but his biggest accomplishment will come in the form of his first TNA World Championship reign. Using his finisher called "Ham and Baio on Rye" (powerbomb into reverse electric chair drop), Scott will defeat AJ Styles and take what is rightfully his. Acting as the first domino in this domino effect, Willie Aames will debut soon after and win the TNA Knockouts Title. Willie Aames is not a woman, but his acting performances always manage to knock me out. He’s like Jenna Morasca in that regard, except he is not.
When a normal wrestler gives his opponent a leg drop, mild pain is involved. Mostly, the giver inflicts that pain onto the receiver, who usually lightly bounces off the mat in reaction to the move. Whenever Hulk Hogan gives his opponent the Legdrop of Doom, the tectonic plates beneath us violently shift. In fact, the tectonic plates switch positions, creating a new world landscape. Asia combines with the western part of North America. Furthermore, Antarctica distances itself from the other countries, making us not want to live there.
Throughout its history, Total Nonstop Action presented many a legdrop, but none rivals the one produced by Hogan's tanned and meaty leg. If any of you need to move within the next few months, allow Hulk Hogan to walk into your old home and execute a legdrop onto your floor. In seconds, his legdrop will move your furniture and other belongings to your new home. Do not tip him or he’ll use that money on a girl that looks more like Brooke Hogan than the one he previously dated.
At the height of wrestling's popularity, the New World Order was the definition of cool. Adults cheered for them because they brought an edge to the once family-friendly World Championship Wrestling. Teenagers loved the stable because they were rebellious and anti-establishment. Most of all, little kids admired Hollywood Hulk Hogan because they liked to paint beards on their faces as well. Over a decade later, the founders of the nWo could very well bring the band back together again. Once Big Gandalf (Kevin Nash) and Hulk Hogan lure Scott Hall from the shadows with a bulk pack of toothpicks, the New World Order will take over TNA. Then again, scratch that thought. WWE owns the rights to the nWo. Oh well. Nevertheless, I'm sure they can call themselves something cool, like the New World Joy Luck Club. Bring that thought back again.
As for me, I want nothing more than to see Hall, Nash, and Hogan back in the ring. Sadly, I don't think TNA will grant my ultimate wish: the return of core New World Order member Michael Wallstreet. You were balling for real, Rotundo.
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