This year, WrestleMania lived up to its name. On this four-hour extravaganza of a Pay-Per-View, some people wrestled. On the other hand, some people did not wrestle, but the number of people who did wrestle was more than the number of people who did not wrestle. Therefore, it is safe to say that people, in general, were wrestling at this particular event. Out of those individuals who wrestled, they wrestled a whole lot. If you watch the event for a second time, you will notice that these individuals were wrestling in a maniacal fashion. Due to their maniacal version of wrestling, you may call this event, "WrestleMania." Because this Pay-Per-View marks the 25th instance in which some people, in general, were wrestling in a maniacal fashion, many Romans in the olden days of Rome would not only deem this event to be a WrestleMania, but a "WrestleMania XXV." As for the non-Romans, they would use Roman numerals to describe this event because they like to feel classy and educated.
Professional wrestling analysts who are not me and will never be me claim that WrestleMania XXV is one of the weakest WrestleManias of all-time. I am not going to spoil this upcoming, two-part review for you, telling you how I felt about the dead crowd, the sub-par matchups, and the disappointing performances, but I will say that I am not one of those so-called professional wrestling analysts. Unlike them, I think before I think, think before I speak, speak before I write, and write before I put on pantaloons. You will not hear harsh, impulse judgments from this guy right here. After you read about this event from my perspective, you will understand why they get paid money to do what they do and why I get paid in starlight. When humankind must move to space, which uses starlight rather than money for the exchange of goods and services, who will be laughing now? Someone who laughs? I doubt it. I highly doubt it.
In the future, we shall look back on WrestleMania XXV and say, "What's a WrestleMania XXV?" Because we are old and lack the brainpower to comprehend and recall our memories, we will think that WrestleMania XXV was some kind of wild bird. When we visit the pet store and try to get our own WrestleMania XXV, the employee at said store will be confused. Apparently, pet stores don't carry WrestleMania XXV. They only carry Backlash. We don't want a bird from Ecuador, do we?
"America the Beautiful" by The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger
Don't you wish your America was beautiful like her? I don't think so, The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger. You may come from a multi-platinum recording group, but America likes gold. Multiple pieces of gold in record form. Judging from your exotic physical appearance, you seem to embody the melting pot that is the United States of America, but I don't think you're American at all. If I had to guess, you’re from Germany, Ireland, Canada, New Guinea, Mexico, Japan, the Philippines, Indonesia, India, and the Republic of Pussycat Dolls. In conclusion, I cannot enjoy your rendition of this song. You are playing the game of Risk rather unfairly.
In the background, the WrestleMania XXV set appears to consist of a bunch of high-definition screens, located below the WrestleMania XXV logo. I'm not sure what happened to the logo that looked like an Old West sheriff badge, but I assume that The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger had something to do with the change. She has now taken over Congo.
Shots representing America include:
1) A bald eagle in front of an American flag that waves in the breeze. The bald eagle stares directly at the camera. Will the bald eagle appear on RAW, Smackdown, or ECW?
2 ) An American flag waving in the breeze from a pole. A tree is partially obscuring my view of the American flag. Therefore, the tree represents the Middle East somehow.
3) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger petting an invisible rhinoceros in the middle of the ring.
4) Bung.
5) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger pushing an invisible piano with one hand in the middle of the ring.
6) The Washington Monument and the Blue Angels. Also, the Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger as she paints an invisible wall without a paintbrush.
7) A member of the U.S. Army either saluting or using his hand to avoid eye contact with the person standing next to him.
8) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger guiding the invisible rhinoceros out of the ring while the bald eagle flies across a series of high-definition screens. Bald eagles and invisible rhinoceros have a storied past.
9) The Pussycat Doll's Nicole Scherzinger bowing to the audience. You pet a mighty fine rhinoceri, but remember to bring a brush the next time you want to paint an invisible wall. That way, the coat will not look too streaky.
Money in the Bank 5
CM Punk vs. Mark Henry vs. MVP vs. Finlay vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Kane
Welcome to the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania. The only way to enjoy the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania is to climb a ladder and enjoy the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania.
Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) CM Punk arrives, staring at his taped wrist. He is so pumped about the fifth Money in the Bank Ladder Match that he forgot his watch, which is surprisingly made out of wrist tape. Like a rebel, CM Punk ducks under three ladders. He believes luck is for losers, but how come that leprechaun has his own cereal? Do you see CM Punk-Os anywhere on the cereal shelves? I rest my briefcase.
2) Mark Henry, accompanied by his handler Tony Atlas, stomps down the ramp towards the ring. This match contains former sexual depictions of chocolate. He was going to give it all to you, but this 2009. Somebody is going to get their ass kicked instead. After that, maybe that somebody will get a piece of chocolate.
3) United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter jogs to the ring, hyping himself up in a boisterous manner. MVP wants to run, not walk. He's the Most Valuable Player of Time because he does not choose to waste it by walking.
4) Finlay makes his entrance with Hornswoggle. Father and son wear matching jackets, decorated with a single, futuristic shoulder pad on the right shoulder. Finlay's attire is a neat callback to his days in WCW. Hornswoggle's attire implies that he is a leprechaun from the future, entering the present to protect and prepare for us the robotic uprising of 3035. I can't wait that long. I want the see the robotic uprising right now.
5) In fancy gold tights with black trim, Shelton Benjamin comes out, dividing his time between running and walking. He is in a hurry, but believes that he should stop and smell the flowers once in a while. What a conflicted gentleman.
6) Kofi Kingston, sporting a sleeveless hooded sweatshirt, claps three times to cue his Jamaican pyrotechnic display. Kofi Kingston is a WWE Superstar loved by the WWE Universe because things happen when he claps. When I clap, I feel the sting on my hands for a few seconds. Then, I get a little sad.
7) Christian sparkles and shines in his grey warmup suit. He looks to the crowd to acknowledge his WWE peeps, then looks in the general direction of Orlando, Florida to say hello to his TNA peeps. He forgot his binoculars, as well as his ability to see through arenas.
8) Kane arrives to his ominous organ music. Jerry Lawler says that Reliant Stadium is on fire. Apparently, Lawler is unaware of the yule log that shows up on television screens across the world on Christmas Day. I tried to roast marshmallows on that yule log. The television won't let you.
To jumpstart WrestleMania XXV, Mark Henry and Kane battle each other in the ring while the others trade punches with one another on the outside. In other news, Tony Atlas is sleeveless. Thankfully, Christian and Shelton Benjamin disrupt the one-on-one fight by taking Henry and Kane out with the ladder. Next, Kofi Kingston enters the ring and jumps over the ladder before dropkicking and "bo-bo-bo-ing" it into the collective faces of Christian and Benjamin. Kofi is the new Shelton. Kofi Kingston is the iPhone. Shelton Benjamin is the rotary phone.
After kicking Finlay in the face, Kane becomes the first competitor the climb the ladder, followed by Mark Henry. This ladder is a strong one. I wonder how it would hold up if it had a traumatic childhood. The other six men use punches and kicks to take Henry and Kane off the ladder, then shove both men out of the ring like hefty bags of garbage; Mark Henry is used to this treatment. As payback, Henry and Kane tip the ladders over, forcing participants to find ways to break their sudden fall. The epic battle continues while Tony Atlas is sleeveless.
In an uncharacteristic move, Finlay executes a suicide dive on Kane and Shelton Benjamin. Christian is the next man to take down his opponents with a charging plancha, using the middle turnbuckle to springboard himself out of the ring, followed by MVP with a somersault senton. In the ring, Kofi Kingston and CM Punk use suicide dives to the outside, marking the first time that a man from Chicago and a man supposedly from Jamaica did the same move at the same time in the same match. Furious with Kofi's thrilling performance, Benjamin tries to top him with a somersault senton from the top of the ladder that stands in the aisle. With this move, Shelton Benjamin has upgraded himself from a rotary phone to Zack Morris' phone from Saved by the Bell. Mark Henry attempts to do a dive of his own, but Finlay hits him with his shillelagh. Hornswoggle uses Henry's back to execute the Tadpole Splash onto the six competitors at ringside. If my hypothetical child used Mark Henry to execute the Tadpole Splash onto six competitors at ringside, I would send him to his room.
Finlay clears the ring by attacking his opponents with Hornswoggle's miniature ladder. As Finlay scales up the rungs, Kofi Kingston kicks Finlay in the facial area with the Trouble in Paradise. Mark 'Henry immediately stops Kofi from climbing the ladder with an ambush. Henry tries to set up the folded ladder, only for Kofi to ascend to the top of it. Saving Kofi from a fall, Mark pulls off the World's Strongest Slam, driving Kofi's back against the ladder that now leans against the top rope. I am going to assume that this move hurts.
At ringside, MVP subdues Henry with a shot from a smaller ladder, then battles with Shelton Benjamin. Once MVP reverses a general Benjamin attack into a powerbomb, he climbs the standing ladder. Christian and Punk interrupt MVP's attempt before Christian executes a botched Unprettier on Punk from the smaller ladder as it lies flat over the top rope and the middle rung of the standing ladder. Perhaps Christian fell before Punk because Christian is wrestling in another time zone. Another botch occurs when Benjamin loses his grip on a sunset powerbomb attempt on MVP. Shelton Benjamin’s status has been downgraded from Zack Morris' phone from Saved by the Bell to a empty soup can connected to a string. In response, Shelton powerbombs MVP up and over the top rope onto three men. I'm not changing my decision. If he wants, he can be two, empty soup cans, but I'm not changing my mind any further.
Like an Irish fool, a high-rise punching contest between Shelton and Finlay ends up with the Irishman falling back first onto the horizontal ladder. I have a back support cushion that I am not using at the moment. Perhaps Finlay will need it. Learning from past ladder matches, Christian and Shelton end up falling with the ladder, but Christian regains his balance by standing on the top rope. At this point, the fans are crazy for Christian, but I am crazy for ladders. Is it possible for a ladder to climb a ladder and win the Money in the Bank Ladder Match? Fingers are crossed. Simultaneously climbing two ladders, Christian's title hopes are dashed when Kane throws Christian off with his new finishing move: the Chokeslam Shove. Finally, CM Punk kicks Kane off the ladder to attain the briefcase for the second straight year. He is Mr. Money in the Bank once again. Man, he likes climbing ladders for briefcases. More than me, at least.
The quality of Money in the Bank matches is based on a single rule: each match becomes the inferior version of the one that came before it, no matter what. Like last year's match, Money in the Bank 5 was an entertaining but disappointing affair. In particular, the glaring mistakes left a sour taste in my mouth. While I watch WrestleMania XXVI, perhaps I stop eating lemons dipped in vinegar.
Rating: ***
Detroit City's Kid Rock Tries to Rock The House With a Ten-Minute Concert
Kid Rock, the multi-platinum recording artist and former spouse of “multi-record platinuming” artist Pamela Anderson, shows up on the stage in a hat, a pair of thick, black-rimmed glasses, and a plaid shirt. At this time, Kid Rock is the nerdiest, English lumberjack I have ever seen at a WrestleMania event. No offense, Mark Jindrak. He begins his set with the hit song "Bawitdaba," ensuring that Vince McMahon World Wrestling Entertainment will immediately love their decision to leave the Unified Tag Team Title Match between The Colons and The Miz & John Morrison off the card for the sake of Kid Rock.
As the crowd looks on in stunned silence, he plays "Rock N Roll Jesus," "Cowboy," and "All Summer Long" to keep them in awe of his Kid Rockness. Kid Rock is the only artist who can pay tribute to and rip off Lynyrd Skynyrd in the same song. Best of luck to him in the future. For Kid Rock and Vince McMahon, the future is the year 1999.
25-Diva Battle Royal
While Kid Rock continues to play his musical brand of music ("So Hott"), divas of the past and present make their entrance, pretending to be attracted to him. Kelly Kelly and Melina grind with Kid Rock. Maria, dressed in an Eskimo costume from the waist up, blows a kiss at him. Surprisingly, WWE Divas Champion Maryse gives Kid Rock a peck on the cheek. I know Maryse is French-Canadian all, but she should have higher standards. Michelle McCool attempts to either hug or kiss Kid Rock, but he turns his back on her. This development shall be beneficial to the both of you. Tiffany, the new General Manager of ECW, dances with Kid Rock in a flirtatious fashion. Why dance with Kid Rock when you have Kid Carlton at home, lady? It’s not unusual to dance with Kid Carlton.
World Wrestling Entertainment failed to introduce the twenty-five participants competing in the battle royal. The Swerved has almost nothing in common with WWE, so the list of participants is as follows: Melina, Maryse, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kellly, Mickie James, Layla, Rosa Mendes, Eve, Michelle McCool, Tiffany, Natalya, Maria, Katie Lea Burchill, Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, and special appearances by Molly Holly, Sunny, Torrie Wilson, Jackie Gayda, Victoria, Joy Giovanni, and Santina Marella — Santino's twin sister. Due to its poor presentation, I am not positive that any of these competitors were actually in the match. I tried to count the number of breasts in the ring, but I only got up to 43. Was a WWE Diva wrestling with only one breast? That's dangerous. Thankfully, your guest timekeeper is Mae Young because wrestling in this match would be the end of her. Beside her, Candice Michelle waits to present the crown and sash to the first Miss WrestleMania. Don't cry for Candice Michelle. Her career is already dead.
If you are one of those fans who doesn’t understand why this match was terrible, look back at this match and think about the number of times that Michael Cole, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler said, "I think ________________ was eliminated." They could not follow the match. We could not follow the match. Therefore, who could follow this match? In a questionable move, WWE thought it would be best if the announce team did not refer to the fact that Santino was in the battle royal, wearing a wig and women's clothing as Santina Marella. In the end, World Wrestling Entertainment is always right. You are always wrong. Listen to WWE and you will be a better person for it.
Beth Phoenix, Santina Marella, Michelle McCool, Mickie James, and Melina were the final five. Melina took down Beth by failing to gain a flying piggyback ride. Beth Phoenix paid Melina back for the attempt by lifting her over the top rope. As they teetered on the ropes, Santina Marella eliminated both women to become Miss WrestleMania, capping off the crowning with a hip-hop-inspired dance in the ring.
Despite the presence of Santina Marella, this was a battle royal that set women's wrestling back two or more decades. In retrospect, everyone in attendance should have taken a collective bathroom and or beer break during this match. In lieu of a bathroom or beer break, they should have set themselves on fire while running into a fire and listening to the upbeat sounds of Earth, Wind, and Fire at a firehouse.
Rating: 1/2
3-on-1 Handicap Match
Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat with Ric Flair
Mickey Rourke, the star of The Wrestler has a front seat for tonight's match. He doesn't look like he wants to watch WrestleMania. If I were Mickey Rourke as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, I'd want to do something cooler, like play Call of Duty 4 on my analog television, or work at a deli for comedian Todd Barry. WrestleMania XXV is no Call of Duty 4, nor is it a deli managed by comedian Todd Barry.
Chris Jericho makes his no-nonsense appearance, chewing on a piece of metaphorical gum. This metaphorical piece of gum represents every hypocritical, sycophantic, and parasitic WWE Hall of Famer who refuses to quit and does not want to brush their legendary teeth after eating. Dentyne isn't going to do the trick, even if you don't pick the cinammon flavour.
The WWE Legends appear on the ramp as a single unit. "The Nature Boy" kisses Snuka and Steamboat on the cheek, but he gets no love from Roddy Piper. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper only loves you as a friend, Ric. As one, they march down to the ring for their match. In the process, Ric Flair hugs Mickey Rourke. Stop trying to love those who don't love you in that way, Ric. You will end up with a broken heart that nobody can repair.
Piper is the first to battle Jericho. He clotheslines Jericho out of the ring, then slams him against the announce table. After a pin attempt, Roddy Piper momentarily leaves the mat and connects with a one-legged dropkick. I applaud Piper for attempting this move, but if he cannot execute a dropkick without risking his health, I recommend that he does not try to do it.
With Snuka in the match, he bombards Jericho with a series of punches. Steamboat, who can actually move, flies off the top turnbuckle and takes Jericho off his feet with a couple of armdrags. When I am in my mid-fifties, I wish to armdrag those younger than me just like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. He is my middle-aged idol. The Taylor Hicks to my Ryan Seacrest, if you will. I believe you will not.
Snuka, resembling a haggard cheetah, returns to the ring to headbutt his opponent, but Chris Jericho easily defeats him with the Walls of Jericho. Break the haggard cheetahs down. Piper attacks Jericho with a eye poke and his trademark sleeper, but succumbs to an Enziguri for the three count. After the pinfall, Steamboat connects with a flying crossbody for a pin attempt of his own. Once Jericho cinches in a headlock in the centre of the ring, Steamboat makes the "babyfaciest" babyface of comebacks, escaping the hold before lifting Jericho over the top rope and connecting with another flying crossbody to the floor. A third visit to the top turnbuckle results in a successful knife-edge chop to the top of Jericho's head. If you are going to chop somebody with the edge of a knife, you might as well chop them in the head.
Gaining the upper hand on his opponent, Jericho puts Steamboat in the Walls of Jericho, but "The Dragon" reverses the submission hold for another pin attempt. When Jericho lifts Steamboat up, “The Dragon” lands on his feet. Jericho finds this reversal fairly disturbing. In fact, he finds this reversal so disturbing that he nails Steamboat with the Codebreaker for the victory. A furious Ric Flair attacks Jericho after the match with a million knife-edge chops, then Jericho retaliates with another Codebreaker. Next, he shoves Ric out of the ring.
Jericho gets on the microphone, claiming that he is the best in the world at what he does. I, for one, agree. He is the best guy named Chris Jericho who beats up old people before 70,000 people. Jericho calls Mickey Rourke a coward, a liar, and a hypocrite. Do not speak to Mickey Rourke like that when he is wearing a black cowboy hat and sitting to the right of Frank Shamrock, Mr. Jericho. You will regret your words.
Rourke takes his sweet time to take off his jacket and enter the ring. Excuse me, Mickey Rourke, but Tony Atlas appeared sleeveless about forty minutes ago. You are not an innovator. Rourke assumes his boxing stance and circles a talkative Jericho. Chris puts up his dukes and tries to fight Rourke, but Mickey clocks him in the face with a right hook. Ric Flair celebrates with Mickey Rourke in the ring and on the ramp.
While the match could have been a complete disaster, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat's performance saved us all from impending doom. To me, Jericho versus Steamboat would have been a better match for WrestleMania XXV. Although Hogan and Steve Austin were preferable opponents, Steamboat's efforts made this match worth its inclusion on the card. I can only hope that Ricky Steamboat competes in a few more matches as I never got the chance to him in action during his peak. When you are better than the majority of the active roster, many of whom are more than half your age, you should stick around for a little bit. Also, Mickey Rourke should celebrate his knockout by playing Call of Duty 4. Ric Flair will call it, "Call or Duty 4," so Mickey will have to correct him.
Rating: **1/2
The National Guard Commercial
Look out there. look at the debris. Look at the size of that thing. That's what she or the guy in the commercial said. Did you know that the National Guard have their own commercial? Neither did I. They like to chase hurricanes, you know. Do you? Neither do I.
Extreme Rules Match
Matt Hardy (Brother) vs. Jeff Hardy (Brother)
Matt Hardy hails from Cameron, North Carolina with a new pair tights and a colonial war jacket of some sort. He is ready to wrestle in the Portuguese Colonial War, representing the Cameron, North Carolina area of Portugal. After his entrance, Jeff Hardy appears, wearing purple paint on his face — a touching tribute to children's booths at local Renaissance fairs and Grimace, the purple thing from McDonald's. Jeff Hardy pays tribute to a lot of weird things.
Fed up with Matt Hardy's antics, Jeff Hardy slaps his older brother in the face. Using a large, framed picture of a WWE Magazine cover, Jeff bashes Matt over the head with it. Matt didn't burn your house down, Jeff. He was "framed." This pun makes me the coolest Batman villain of the 50s. I'm talking Julie Newmar as Catwoman here. Outside the ring, Jeff uses the steel steps to launch himself into the air for a flying leg lariat and or press, followed by a second attempt in the corner of the ring that fails to connect. Jeff comes off the top turnbuckle with the Whisper in the Wind, but Matt swings a chair at Jeff's lower body. That move was rather unpleasant for Jeff’s lower body.
Underneath the ring, Matt Hardy acquires a vacuum and hits Jeff in the face with it. In wrestling, when you don't know how to properly use a household appliance or tool, you hit them in the face with it. Them's the rules. Matt Hardy drops his brother with a Side Effect on the steel chair, but that move only gets a two count.
The ring, which magically gives birth to wooden tables now and again, provides a table for Matt to use. He sets up the table at ringside, but Jeff fights back with a Singapore Cane and a Singapore Crutch. The differences between a Singapore Crutch and a regular crutch are minimal, yet evident. Stuffing a trash can over Matt's head, Jeff hits the can with the crutch, sending Matt into the corner of the ring to receive a turnbuckle-assisted kick to the face.
Missing the Swanton Bomb, Matt Hardy nails the Twist of Fate for a pin attempt. Moments later, Jeff strikes a steel chair over Matt's head, then rolls him onto the table on the outside. Obtaining a second table, he positions it over Matt. Off the top turnbuckle, he breaks Matt and the tables in half with a splash. Jim Ross wonders if this match can get anymore extreme. Why, yes it can, Jim Ross. What happens if a bear shows up, flying a helicopter without a helicopter pilot’s license? That would be extreme. Extremely awesome.
Jeff Hardy borrows a couple of ladders from Money in the Bank and stands them up in the ring. Since one ladder is taller than the other, the taller ladder looks like the parent, while the smaller ladder looks like a child. That's a sweet visual in more ways than one. Next, Jeff leapfrogs over the taller ladder for what seems to be an attempted seated senton, but Matt manages to avoid to his brother at the last second. Wedging Jeff's head into an standing steel chair, Matt uses an alternate yet extreme version of the Twist of Fate to put his brother away for the win.
This match was short yet enjoyable. Therefore, Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy was the professional wrestling equivalent to Danny DeVito. The bout cannot compete with the greatness of past WrestleMania matches involving the Hardy Boys, but a WrestleMania XXV match is a WrestleMania XXV match. At least they didn't have to kiss Kid Rock.
Rating: ***
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