NEXT WEEK
A bucket of Melina's tears turns into a bucket of confetti.
AND
K-K-T-Y Bayside.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Genuine Draft: Rich Brand
NEXT WEEK
A bucket of Melina's tears turns into a bucket of confetti.
AND
K-K-T-Y Bayside.
Stop and Go
My blessing is sacred, much like a cow in India or the flower of a virginal ECW fan from the late 90s. Even though I am not a pope like one Todd Grisham, I have blessed many things in the past to much success. Before Eric Bischoff introduced the New World Order, I blessed that stable to take World Championship Wrestling to the greatest of wrestling heights. Prior to Stone Cold Steve Austin's reign of redneck terror in the Attitude Era, I was the first to bless him for superstardom. Days before Triple H fell in love with Stephanie McMahon — thereby securing his spot in the main event for forever — I blessed their eventual relationship by playing Bryan Adams' "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?" on the electric lute. Unbeknownst to the entire industry, I was responsible for its rise. On that note, I had nothing to do with its downfall. I was having a tea break when the industry collapsed. Don't blame me. I like tea. I can’t help it.
Now that I have let you in on wrestling's best-kept secret, you must inform World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action that they cannot go further with their storylines, angles, feuds, debuts, and returns until they consult me first. Initially, I gave Vince McMahon, Jeff Jarrett, and Dixie Carter some leeway to do whatever they wanted with their respective promotions, but now I must put my blessing foot down. I will not witness the industry destroy itself from the inside out any further. The time has come for the glorious one to have his say. Come, my children. Gather around for I have more blessings to give. For the unfortunate few, I have more ideas to shun. In the olden days, professional wrestling was a primitive entertainment sport, consisting of five-minute doily fights between untrained monkeys. When I arrived, wrestling became the entertainment sport that you love and cherish today. Together, let us use this article to restore wrestling back to the way it once was.
After watching week after week of tiresome programming, I have grown weary. In my weakened state, I am unable to detect the outcome of my choices. In turn, once I get some sugar in my system, I am positive that the consequences will become clear. Somewhere in the darkness, I hear a wrestling fan crying. He is wearing an Affliction shirt. He has neatly-trimmed facial hair. His name is Mike. When he is not watching wrestling, he likes to read five-year-old comic books in his Affliction shirt. His favourite band is Nickelback. He thinks The Wrestler would have been better with more shots of a naked Marisa Tomei. In response to that crying fan, I am here to help. You must let me help you, Michael. First of all, stop thinking about Marisa Tomei. I get it. She's over forty. You're impressed. Let's continue.
This week, I will serve as professional wrestling’s traffic light. Some stories will get the opportunity to proceed, while others will come to an abrupt stop. When you see the yellow light, do not speed up and try to fly through the intersection. My cameras will catch you. In turn, you will receive a speeding ticket and an embarrassing set of photos. Most of those photographs will feature the look on your face as you speed through the intersection. A select few will feature you as you sing along to a song on your car radio. Personally, I think you've embarrassed yourself enough.
Has Hunter Hearst Helmsley got his revenge yet? I'm bored. I'd rather play Connect Four with Kanye West. At first, Triple H's feud with Randy Orton was compelling... until they wrestled. During that epic WrestleMania XXV main event, you couldn't hear a pin drop, but you could hear that pin yawn and visit the concession stand for a corn dog. In retrospect, WWE tried their best with this angle. Revealing that Triple H was the husband of Stephanie McMahon, the brother-in-law of Shane McMahon, the father-in-law of Vince McMahon, and an admirer of Ed McMahon was a shocking move that garnered the interest of hardcore and casual fans alike. Once the audience realized they were cheering on the boss' son-in-law, they weren't cool with the story anymore. Suddenly, nepotism wasn't hip with the kiddies. In my opinion, Triple H's character is difficult to support. For one, he always gets the last laugh over his opponent. Whenever his opponent makes him look weak, he immediately gets his payback to prove to the world that he is better. Finally, he carries around a sledgehammer — the Swiss Army knife of foreign objects. Sledgehammers break glass, knock out enemies, win large stuffed animals in carnival games, become the subject of Peter Gabriel songs, and feed the poor. If the audience loves the cheer the underdog, Triple H was never and can never be that underdog. For Triple H’s sake, he’s Triple H.
As of this writing, I see a dim future for Legacy in their attempt to triumph over the McMahon family. Years of weekly WWE programming have proven that the McMahon family are just like Triple H — they never lose. Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes can try all they want to defeat them, but I'm afraid they're fighting for a lost cause. For every RKO, there will be a Pedigree. For every Dream Street, there will be a sloppy Stone Cold Stunner. For every whatever Cody Rhodes uses for a finisher, there will be Shane McMahon. Shane will attempt his rip-off of the Van Terminator, but he'll end up kicking Cody in the sack instead. In his post-match celebration, he shall dance the Shane-O Shuffle for serious and personal feuds require such ridiculous dance moves. After Stone Cold Steve Austin broke into Brian Pillman's home, he did the Pull-Ups Potty Dance. Did you know, WWE?
Santino Marella is the man. In other news, Santina Marella is the woman. If I didn't know any better, I would think that Santino and Santino Marella are one in the same. Because World Wrestling Entertainment would never lie or make a fool out of me, I am happy to report that they are equally great individuals. Whether or not Miss WrestleMania finds love with The Great Khali, Santino will be by her side via pre-taped satellite feed from Italy Town, Italy. For the first time in a long time, Santina Marella has piqued my interest in the women's division. Forget about Maryse and her platinum blonde hair. Forget about Melina and her gigantic wings that she tore off a flamboyant ostrich. When I think of WWE women's wrestling, I think of Santina Marella. I think of the other WWE Divas as well, but not as much as Santina. Beth Phoenix may not care for Santina, but what does Beth know? Sure, she can hold an invisible championship belt over her head. So what, Bethingham? I could do that, too, with or without a glamorous headband from Amazon.com. Beth Phoenix is not that special.
Some fans think the character of Santina Marella will be the death of Santino. In my eyes, those fans don’t understand anything. They don’t even understand their own thoughts. If I was a random wrestling fan from Italy, won the Intercontinental Championship in my first match with help from Bobby Lashley, and became an egotistical, manipulative, and temperamental heel in a dating segment, I wouldn't mind Santina Marella's presence at all. I bet you're just jealous of their brother-sister relationship. They get along rather well. Neither one takes the last piece of pizza without asking the other. Don't hate, ladies and gentlemen. Do not exhibit hatred. If you don't like Santina, then you should put a cork on it. Don't be mad once you see that Khali want it. If you don't like Santina, then you should put a cork on it.
Total Nonstop Action and I have a love-hate relationship. As TNA loves my viewership, I hate that they love my viewership. Lately, I've watched TNA Impact as a way to get away from the RAWs, Smackdowns, and ECWs of the week. Once in the bluest of moons, I will watch TNA over WWE. In the past, readers, friends, and family have suggested that I do something more productive with my time, such as build a habitat for the sake of humanity, or paint an avant-garde mural with my bare body. Although I appreciate their suggestions, watching TNA can be a pleasant experience at times, considering that a team of emergency medical technicians watches with me while monitoring my condition throughout the program. These days, I try to limit the amount of wrestling I watch to as little as possible, but Spike is hard to ignore, what with their Bobby Lashleys and their Star Wars. Those Star Wars films are some of the best documentaries I have ever seen. It's time. It's time. It's Darth Vader time. I like that part where Darth Vader executes the Vader Bomb on Gorilla Monsoon.
According to his entrance video, former WWE Superstar Bobby Lashley has come to TNA to start his motor vehicle. Judging by the shoddy way his motor vehicle runs, I am beginning to suspect that he wants someone in TNA to fix his car. Lashley has never heard of an automotive repair and maintenance establishment before. Therefore, maybe Kurt Angle or Mick Foley can help him with his problem. Angle and Foley seem like the kind of people who can repair his automobile. Kurt Angle went to Quaker State A & M. Mick Foley bathed in motor oil once. In conclusion, I think both men are qualified. Total Nonstop Action was wise to sign a former WWE star, but they signed Bobby Lashley. If they never watched Bobby Lashley on WWE televsion, they are in a surprise. His dad's uncle claims that Lashley has charisma, ring presence, and personality. I, on the other hand, doubt it. You see, his dad's uncle was never a reliable source in the first place. From my perspective, Bobby Lashley's shining TNA moment will involve force-feeding Kurt Angle a silver tray of hamburgers. World Wrestling Entertainment is a multi-million-dollar company. Therefore, they can afford cheeseburgers. Total Nonstop Action is not a multi-million-dollar company. If and when they sign Lashley, they won't be able to afford cheese.
When Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat showed that he was the best fifty-five-year-old steamboat in professional wrestling today, I thought about the possibilities. Unlike Ric Flair, who knife-edge chopped his way to retirement, Ricky has a few years left in him. Of course, he is not the wrestler he used to be, but he knows how to wrestle entertaining matches. If you pick any wrestler on the roster of his similar size and or style, Steamboat can have an entertaining match with that man. Put him against Shawn Michaels and you will get a six-star classic. Have him face Randy Orton and the voices in your head will applaud the decision. On second thought, once you make him wrestle The Miz, his comeback is over. Whatever you do, do not let him compete in a back-and-forth contest against "The Chick Magnet." Steamboats, chicks, and magnets do not mix. A baby chick driving a steamboat with the use of magnets is trouble. Do not give that baby chick a steamboat driving license. That baby chick will simply abuse her privileges.
After what is sure to be an excellent match against Chris Jericho, World Wrestling Entertainment can capitalize on Steamboat's growing popularity with a new audience by using him when necessary. Due to overexposure, the WWE legends before him lost their legendary aura. For Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, he can keep that aura strong by wrestling a handful of matches every year. If Vince and the rest of WWE choose to use him, I hope they do not turn him into another "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. The last time Duggan appeared on RAW, he walked off into the sunset with Cryme Tyme to do thuggish business. I am aware that Steamboat danced like a weirdo in a backstage segment at WrestleMania 23, but that should be the exception rather than the rule.
I could tolerate JBL's "Clothesline from Hell." I could get behind The Great Khali's knife-edge chop to the top of head. To the lesser extent, I could support Vladimir Kozlov's wonderful "Hit You With My Head and Hope for the Best." With that said, I despise The Big Show's Knockout Punch with the fury of a thousand pit bulls owned and cared for by a furious John Cena. As I have mentioned in the past, WWE wants you to know that The Big Show is big. From his presence in the ring alone, even I can comprehend this notion, but I am unwilling to treat a punch as a legitimate finishing move in modern professional wrestling. I don't think it matters if Show winds up on the punch. I don't find it interesting if he looks angry while using the punch. In matches, professional wrestlers punch a whole bunch. More often than not, they punch more than they perform actual wrestling moves. Am I to believe that regular punches during a bout cannot match the power of The Big Show's Knockout Punch? The absurd rules of wrestling claim that closed fists are illegal. From what I have seen, Show's punch is as closed as a bank on Sundays. What gives, Show? You may be anatomically superior, but your punch is astronomically inferior. By the way, you are not the first man to use a punch for a finisher. On behalf of Mr. Show, I apologize, Mark Jindrak.
Compared to William Regal's "Power of the Punch," Big Show's punch comes in at a distant second. At least William Regal used brass knuckles when punching. WWE’s brand of commentary emphasizes that Big Show's hands are like frying pans. If that simile is true, he should cook me some eggs and bacon with those pans, not punch dudes in the face with them. Unfortunately, I have never been in a fight with a homemaker. Regardless, the homemakers that I do know would never use punches or frying pans for a finishing move. Those homemakers are pretty smart. The Big Show is the opposite of smart. So far, I am unimpressed with his ability to knock out Rey Mysterio with a single punch. Rey Mysterio is a tiny, tiny Mexican child disguised as a man. Anyone could knock him out. If I wanted to leave him unconsciousness, I would knock him out with a scrap piece of paper.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Genuine Draft: Farewell, Rubber Ducky
NEXT WEEK
Will Triple H get this revenge (for the third time)?
AND
Aw man, Tray. Look up at the sky. It's a full moon... on the Sabbath.
WrestleMania XXV: "I think that Rey's career is alive and well, King." (Part 2)
Ladies, gentlemen, and other, we are about to begin our descent into the second part of The Swerved's WrestleMania XXV review. Do not be alarmed for I will review the event at a safe distance so I will not suffer any major injuries from close contact with this particular, grand Pay-Per-View. The sound you just heard is millions of wrestling fans, gathering in front of their computer screens to read my pearly pearls of reviewing wisdom. For readers on the East Coast, the faint sound you just heard is a person crying. I am not saying who is crying, but don't rule me out after watching this event for a third, fourth, and fifth time. The crier in question does not have something in his or her eye. He or she does not have allergies either. He or she is straight up upset. What in the balls, World Wrestling Entertainment?
WrestleMania XXV weather is sunny with a chance of confusion and disappointment, depending upon the execution and outcome of the final four matches. The temperature is a breezy 14 degrees Celsius, or 57 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I thought I saw a ghost of WrestleMania past, but it turns out it was just the Intercontinental Championship. How did that title get a WrestleMania match anyway? Did somebody lose a bet? For years, internet wrestling fans have wished for a competitive Intercontinental Championship match at a modern WrestleMania — the 21st century version of Steamboat versus Savage, if you will. Now that we have JBL versus Rey Mysterio, we are sure to get that match. I am so sure that we will get this match that I am more or less than 65% sure.
Barring any booking mishaps, WWE hopes to turn this WrestleMania review into a pleasant experience for me. For the first two hours, I was satisfied but not ecstatic. In the last two hours, World Wrestling Entertainment must wow me like they have never wowed me before. I'm talking fast-paced matchups, dramatic moments, and appearances by Stone Cold Steve Austin's ATV. I sense WWE is going one or one-and-a-half for three this year, but what do I know? I am nothing more than a professional wrestling analyst who can predict the past and present and sometimes future.
I love having you, the reader, on board with me on this wonderful journey. I look forward to seeing you again in the WrestleManias to come. Please enjoy your stay while thinking about all the good things WWE has done for us in the past. I recall those specific years. Those were excellent years. Nice work, past WWE.
Randy Orton: Preparation for H
In the locker room, "The Viper" Randy "The Viper" Orton "Viper" "The Viper" prepares for his WWE Championship match by taking off his shirt. Step one of ninety is complete. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes look concerned because only one man gets the privilege to oil up their leader. This is WrestleMania, which means zero handouts for those who want to oil up dudes on the grandest oiling stage of them all.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
John "Bradshaw" Layfield (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
For the first time since WrestleMania X-8, the prestigious WWE Intercontinental Championship will be on the line. I would compete for it myself, but I liked it better when it had a purple leather strap. That strap matched the colour of my man-purse.
In all his flabby glory, JBL appears on the ramp with a microphone:
"This is the greatest day in JBL's great life. Months ago, I had a WrestleMania vision that just as Julius Caesar returned to Rome the conquering hero, I would return to Texas... champion. At a time when, quite frankly, Texas, you've got no champions; Texas, you've got no men. You sit around. You drink your little lattes, you do your Pilates... looking through the Houston Chronicle trying to find a job. At this point in life, you need hope. And along comes your hero: JBL.
Tonight, I'm gonna give you the treat of someone that grew up in Sweetwater, Texas... John Layfield and became the great JBL. You yourself will never improve your lot in life, but at least you can look at me and be proud of the fact that I'm your hero because today, I will give you the most dominant victory in WrestleMania history. I will then hop back on my charter plane, return to the greatest city in the world, to my famous wife... New York City... as still your hero."
John "Bradshaw" Layfield is married to New York City? How do you have intimate relations with a city? What a metrosexual.
Rey Mysterio is next. At WrestleMania 19, he came out looking like Daredevil. At WrestleMania XX, he was The Flash. At WrestleMania 21, he was a Mexican who had great difficulty keeping his mask over his face. This year, Rey Mysterio shocks the world by looking like The Joker — the biggest little maniacal murderer that WWE City has ever seen. On second thought, Rey's floppy green wig and shiny purple suit don't emulate Heath Ledger's Joker that well. If The Joker wanted to look like a frazzled Doink The Clown, Rey Mysterio's attire is perfect.
Jerry Lawler informs the audience that Rey looks like The Joker. Unlike the late Heath Ledger, Jim Ross says, "I think that Rey's career is alive and well, King." Wow. What did Heath Ledger ever do to you, Jim Ross? I'm sorry Jim Ross, but what you just said is no, "I'm sorry. I love you." To the principal's office, James.
Like a good Joker, Rey Mysterio bonds with the little children, talking to them in close quarters, while giving playing cards to others. I watched The Dark Knight many times, but I think I missed the part where The Joker handed out prizes to people while sucking on his mouth scars. I shall rent the special edition and take another gander.
Due to the length of this matchup, let's look at the cliff notes version:
- The referee tries to explain the rules to Mysterio's Joker, but JBL kicks Rey in the face before the referee can finish. Thank you for staying true to The Joker, JBL. The Joker doesn't care about rules. He cares about his one phone call.
- Against the referee's wishes, JBL continues to kick and punch Mysterio's Joker in the corner. In this case, JBL does not fashion his strategy after Christian Bale's Batman, but Alicia Silverstone's Batgirl from Batman & Robin. You're not putting me in the cold pun.
- As the bell rings, Rey Mysterio pulls off an Enziguri on JBL, then 6-1-9s him. You know where he got those scars? His father tried to 6-1-9 his mother, but Mysterio intervened. I don't know what happened after that, but Maggie Gyllenhaal is freaked out.
- Mysterio connects with a top rope splash. A three count makes him the new WWE Intercontinental Champion in twenty-one seconds. The boyhood dream has come true for The Joker. This WWE needs a new kind of Intercontinental Champion, but they will never let Rey give it to them.
- A furious JBL makes WrestleMania history by calling it quits. Before JBL, a WWE Superstar has never called it quits at WrestleMania. On the other hand, nobody really cared about that fact. Did you know WWE ran more shows in China than the MLB, NFL, and The Simpsons combined last year? If anybody wants me, I'll be in my room. Don't fall off your horse, WWE. Your horse is rather high off the ground.
Was this a match? Yes. Was this a good match? Next question, please. Why, yes. Mayonnaise is very enjoyable.
Rating: *
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
"The Lightbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels makes his holy entrance on a cherry picker that WWE teamsters lower onto the ramp. When the man upstairs made his presence felt at a WrestleMania, he didn't use a mechanical cherry picker. He lowered himself onto the ramp under his own power. Also, he borrowed wires from an Off-Broadway production of Peter Pan. They weren't paying attention at the time. Don't worry, though. He'll give them back. He should be returning any minute now. Coming down to "Sexy Boy" seems pretty sacrilegious, but Michaels prayed for a pyrotechnic display. This prayer should even things out.
The Undertaker follows Michaels' entrance by rising from the depths of Reliant Stadium. Am I to assume that the depths of Reliant Stadium are hellish in nature? Well, they shouldn't have built the stadium there then. That's mediocre to poor stadium planning. Without druids, Undertaker looks lonely and bored, but he did summon flames from the ramp with his hands. This act should even things out.
The undead living zombie thing begins the match with his patented, undead living zombie thing, MMA stance. Michaels avoids the attacks and peppers the Undertaker with knife-edge chops and punches. I didn't know Hell has MMA training facilities, but I've never visited. For all I know, they could have a Baskin Robbins. Finally, Undertaker subdues Michaels by countering a punch into a throw to the corner. On the middle turnbuckle, Michaels tells Undertaker to suck it in the most Christian way possible. Undertaker responds to this gesture with an Irish whip and a back body drop. I didn't know Hell had a professional wrestling school either. Turns out I don't know a lot of things.
In the middle of the ring, the Undertaker weakens Michaels’ arm and shoulder, then ventures to the top rope to go Old School. I've been to several old schools in my area, but they don't look anything like a forty-year-old guy attacking another forty-year-old guy with a club to the back. I must have been to the wrong old schools. Next, Michaels avoids an Undertaker avalanche and goes for the knee to soften him up for a variation of the Figure Four Leg Lock. This submission hold is similar to the Figure Four, except it is not. Breaking the hold, the Undertaker attempts a Chokeslam, but HBK puts him in the Crossface. Just because Shawn Michaels faced "He Who Shall Not Be Named" at WrestleMania XX does not mean he gets to use the Crossface; the same can be said for Triple H. If we're going by WWE rules, Shawn Michaels faced Chris Masters more than once. Therefore, why doesn't he use the Master Lock more than once? Master Locks are challenging.
The Undertaker rises to his feet, releasing the hold with a side slam. Michaels combats the wrath of the Undertaker with a flying elbow, a series of inverted atomic drops, and a clothesline. Undertaker catches Michaels off the top rope and tries for the Chokeslam, but Michaels counters into an actual Figure Four Leg Lock, which is countered again into Hell's Gate. I thought Hell's Gate was Reliant Stadium. I swear... World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't know what they're doing sometimes. Michaels crawls to the ropes to break the hold, only for the Undertaker to shove him to the outside. A failed apron legdrop later, Michaels fights off the Undertaker with a baseball slide. Outside, Michaels' moonsault off the top turnbuckle misses when the Undertaker swats him away. What's the big deal about WrestleMania moonsaults? I do moonsaults every day. Yesterday, I did a moonsault off an elderly lady. She didn't mind because I helped her walk across the street via top turnbuckle moonsault.
In the near-death moment of the night, Undertaker flies out of the ring with a suicide dive to the floor. Michaels pushes the referee away, then pulls a cameraman in the way. The Undertaker falls face first onto the mat at ringside, a foot or so in front of the cameraman waiting to catch him. This accident is the exact reason why I don't trust cameramen to catch me whenever I attempt suicide dives. Although, timekeepers are reliant for they are always on time. Back in the ring, HBK instructs the dazed referee to count the Undertaker out. Predictably, the Undertaker returns before ten, proving that he is more alive than dead.
An angered Michaels sets Undertaker up for Sweet Chin Music, but Undertaker moves out of the way and catches HBK with a Chokeslam for a near-three count. Jim Ross states that the Undertaker got all of that "clothesline." I disagree, Heath Ledger hater. Michaels squirms out of a Tombstone and another Chokeslam attempt in order to nail the Undertaker in the face with the Superkick. This kick receives a near-three count as well. When one wishes to Superkick another, you might as well kick them in the face... with a "clothesline." Isn't that right, Jim Ross? Where in the extra Z is Tazz?
Escaping the Last Ride, Undertaker counters the counter with a successful Last Ride for the 2.999999135 count. While the Deadman leans on the bottom rope, Michael Cole notices the frustration in the eyes of the Undertaker, but I can only see exhaustion and eyeliner. Both of those exist on the outside of the eyes of the Undertaker. The Deadman's trip to the top turnbuckle results in a missed elbow drop. Moments later, Michaels skins the cat. As he flips himself over, Undertaker catches him for a Tombstone that results in another kickout. The healthy ringside cameraman zooms in on Undertaker's face. He is rather surprised. What will it take to beat Shawn Michaels? Baldness. Complete and involuntary baldness.
Defying my instructions, the Undertaker pulls his straps down and calls for Michaels' head. That won't beat him at all, man. That may impress Michelle McCool, but that doesn't impress anyone else. Following a Tombstone attempt, Michaels reverses the move into a DDT that almost drives Undertaker's head into the mat. When I mean “almost,” I mean almost. Unless there was an invisible, three-inch-thick steel chair under the Undertaker’s head, Michaels did not connect with that DDT. Even the fans know that it didn't connect. They're not even pulling their straps down. That's unfortunate, my ladies. A flying elbow and Sweet Chin Music puts down Undertaker, but Michaels cannot get the win. What will it take to beat the Undertaker? An urn. A complete, involuntary, and balding urn.
Undertaker and HBK trade knife-edge chops and punches from a standing position. Some kicks connect, while others are reversed into successful kicks by the opponent. Michaels goes for a standing moonsault from the top turnbuckle. Predicting the move before he does it, the Undertaker catches Michaels and sends him down to the canvas with the Tombstone for the one, two, three, kids. Undertaker is 17-0 at WrestleMania. Meanwhile, The Swerved is 0-0. Hey, look at that — we are both undefeated. Streak versus streak at WrestleMania XXVI, fellows.
Years from now, we will look back on this match as the saviour of WrestleMania XXV. I think of this as the Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock of 2009. When we look back on Triple H versus Randy Orton, we will know why we think so.
Rating: ****1/2
World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match
Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena
This winner of this match will gain the affection of Vickie Guerrero (unless you are John Cena). Also, the winner will get the World Heavyweight Championship (unless you are not John Cena).
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Chavo Guerrero pushing his aunt's wheelchair. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the guy who cannot remain champion for more than a month or two — Edge. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the Big Show and feign interest. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome one-hundred John Cenas. With this sight, I feel as though I am living in every misguided, twelve-year-old girl's sports entertainment fantasy. Word life. Syllable death. One-hundred John Cenas can't see each other. Maybe they shouldn't tilt the brims of their baseball caps that low. Next, the real John Cena comes out to guarantee that this entrance cannot trump his ghetto Royal Rumble starship. I would like to use his ghetto Royal Rumble starship to visit distant planets, such as Oregon. John Cena's new hand gesture seems to be a tribute to the Dudley Boyz, or an indication that he believes we are all a-holes. Same difference.
WrestleMania is airing live for the first time in Mexico and Israel tonight. On behalf of World Wrestling Entertainment, I am sorry, Mexico and Israel. Do you want me to lend you Gossip Girl on DVD? John Cena proves he is smarter and better than anybody else in the match by successfully attacking his opponents while Edge and Big Show fumble around the ring, knocking each other down with inadvertent strikes. Cena executes a running bulldog on Edge. As he tries to take Big Show out with a shoulder tackle, Show stands there being large. Unable to compete with his largeness, Cena bounces off Show and crashes to the mat. Edge encourages Show to double-team Cena, but Show responds to an attempted handshake by lifting Edge up by his arm, then dropping him crotch first onto the top rope. If he wants to drop me crotch first onto the top rope, I know how to counter it. All I have to do is detach my junk for a moment. Sounds difficult, but with the right tools, the process can be fairly easy.
Cena takes advantage of this opportunity with a go at the Attitude Adjustment. In response, Show knocks him down with a big boot. With Edge out of the ring, Show attacks Cena by standing on him twice. The first time was payback for Cena's reveal of the surveillance video, despite the fact that Cena promised not to show it if Vickie put him in the match. The second time had no reason behind it. The Big Show is just large. That's reason enough. Cena tries to fight back with punches, but Show sends him to the canvas by simply throwing him up in the air before leaving the rest up to gravity. The Big Show and gravity should form a tag team. Due to WWE's interest in tag teams and fancy names, they will be called, "The Big Show and Spencer 'Gravity' Winchester."
Cena avoids a Big Show ambush by letting his opponent crotch his own self on the top rope. Now neither Edge nor the Big Show can get it on with Vickie. Mission accomplished? Edge kicks the steel steps towards Show, which sends him forward to conveniently receive John Cena's top turnbuckle Famouser to the outside. Apparently, John Cena is "The One" now. Billy Gunn is "The Two." Neo has dropped down to "The Three." What a sad day for Neo. In the ring, Edge reverses Cena's Attitude Adjustment into the Edgecution for a two count. Jim Ross used to call it "The Impaler," but he also called Undertaker's Chokeslam a “clothesline.” I don't believe anything he says anymore. I bet that ring is covered in barbeque sauce.
Once Cena knocks Edge off the top turnbuckle, Big Show executes a side slam for another two- count. Cena momentarily gains the upper hand on Show with a flurry of right hands until Chavo Guerrero creates a WrestleMania moment by pulling John out of the ring. Cena returns the favour with the Attitude Adjustment on the ringside mats. No, not Chavo. In the ring, Show reacts to a shoulder block from Cena by conveniently tying himself up in the ropes. What are you doing, Big Show? Being large? Fair enough. Show watches Cena and Edge battle it out in front of him. He witnesses Cena's five-knuckle shuffle and Edge's accidental spear on a shrieking Vickie, who suddenly appeared on the apron mere seconds ago. How many times has Edge accidentally speared Vickie Guerrero? Five? That's five too many. You thought I was going to exaggerate the number of times that Edge has accidentally speared Vickie Guerrero, didn't you? Who's the foolish fool now? You are, Farlito Faribbean Fool. Don't fool in the fool of fools who don't fool to be fool. You are the fool.
After a double clothesline, Big Show uses the power of love (and instructions to the referee) to get out of the ropes. Avenging the damage done to his lover, Show attacks his opponents with shoulder blocks, chest slaps, and an avalanche in the corner that squashes Cena and Edge. Calling for the Chokeslam, he gets Edge, but not Cena. Ever so perturbed by Cena's sneakiness, Show clocks him with a knockout punch. At ringside, Show tries to chokeslam Edge into the Spanish announce table, but Edge counters into a DDT. These days, you cannot hurt the Spanish announce table for it is sacred. Launching himself off the steel steps, Edge shoves Show through the security wall with a light hug/dive. In the ring, Edge goes for the Spear, but Cena puts him in the STF for his troubles. I have never seen an STF hurt someone as much as it hurts Cena. Is he okay? His face turns purple, yet his opponent's face doesn't. Is he doing it wrong?
On the outside, Show grabs Cena by the neck and pulls him out of the submission hold. Back in the ring, Cena and Edge work together to suplex Show, then take him up and over the top rope with a double clothesline. Immediately, Edge turns his back on Cena with a sneak attack and pin attempt, but Cena regains his composure and heads to the corner. Off the top turnbuckle, Show pushes Cena into an incoming Spear. Surprisingly, people who don't want to work together cannot work together. What in the world? Jim Ross claims that this is anybody's ball game, but this is not a ball game. This is a wrestling match. Jim Ross is off his ball game tonight. Edge attempts to knock Show out with a sleeper, but John Cena intervenes with an Attitude Adjustment on Show. In the end, Cena drops Edge onto Show with another Attitude Adjustment for the three-count. John Cena is the new World Heavyweight Champion and attitude adjuster. Tonight, he has adjusted several attitudes.
His opponents are upset. Cena is happy. With his hand gesture, he thinks we are a-holes once more, which makes me sad. You cannot adjust this attitude, Cena. Not with your attitude.
As far as triple threat matches at WrestleMania are concerned, this one didn't offend me. At the same time, I wasn't entertained until Edge speared Cena off the top rope. I know Cena needs a WrestleMania victory and all, but couldn't he face JBL instead and celebrate with those smiling Japanese fans from WrestleMania 21? I missed them. Their technology was superior to mine. Houston fans don't cut it.
Rating: **
Hall of Fame: Class of 2009 Roll Call
Your Hall of Fame Class of 2009 is as follows: Terry and Dory Funk Jr, "Cowboy" Bill Watts, Howard Finkel, Koko B. Ware, The Von Erich Family (represented by Kevin Von Erich), Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat," and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Austin celebrates his induction by leaving the stage, then returning in his trademark ATV. I don't think Sheriff Austin was a legendary character, but I'll take whatever Austin I can get. He drives around the ring a few times before starting a beer bash in the ring. Stone Cold Steve Austin is great. I hope the little kiddies understand his greatness. If he can wrestle one final match, I'd like to see him take on the Disco Inferno for the right to the Stone Cold Stunner/Chartbuster. That match would sell more tickets than Austin versus Hogan and Austin versus Goldberg... combined... times infinity.
WWE Championship Match
Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
Whenever WrestleMania comes around, you can count on many things: an Undertaker win, an entertaining performance by Shawn Michaels, an exhilarating Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and a Triple H title match. Every year, "Somebody’s Gonna Face Triple" is my subtitle to WrestleMania, but WWE never uses it. Why not, WWE? That saying is truer than true. In 2009, Randy Orton is "Gonna Face Triple H." Why must you rob me of my happiness? WWE claims that this match is five years in the making, but I'm thinking it's really five months in the making. Remember when Randy jumped out of that cake to surprise Evolution? For me, that cake surprise was enough. I was good before. I am better now.
Backstage, Vince and Shane McMahon silently wish Triple H luck in the main event. Randy Orton comes out to "Voices." He appears tan, but not as tan as Hunter Hearst Helmsley: The King of WrestleMania Tan Kings. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes are nowhere to be seen. Neither man got to oil Randy Orton because they did not want to ruin their friendship. Kudos I must give them. When it's time to play the game (7 pm EST), Triple H appears, staring at a reflection of himself in the mirror. Mad at his own reflection, he shatters the mirror with his sledgehammer. You're not the problem, Triple H. Don't hate the playa, hate the... oh. That's still you. For a man wanting to avenge a personal attack on his family, Hunter is angry, but not that angry. If Randy Orton hurt my family, I would probably run at him, then engage in a tie up like a true sportsman. That's how a professional wrestler gets his retribution.
Triple H begins the match with a plethora of punches and kicks in the corner. Referee Scott Armstrong reminds Hunter that he will lose the championship if he gets disqualified. This slight distraction allows Orton to pull off an RKO. A finisher in the first minute of the match. Really? Whatever floats your sinking boat, WWE. I know Randy Orton is a viper, but vipers know how to pace a wrestling match. After missing a punt, Triple H counters with the Pedigree. Two finishers in the first minute of the match? Whatever sinks your sinking boat, WWE. Is this some kind of reverse matchup?
On the outside, Triple H drives Orton's head into the announce table, then douses himself with water. He drives Orton into the ring post, but Randy returns to the ring in decent condition. He asks Triple H to wait, but Hunter punches him instead. Hunter Heart Helmsley does not know the meaning of wait, nor does he know how to properly drink water from a bottle. In the middle of the ring, Triple H connects with a neckbreaker before Randy rolls away. At ringside, Orton counters an Irish whip into one of his own, sending Hunter into the steel steps. He continues to Irish whip him into non-Irish destinations with a second one that ends with Triple H tumbling up and over the barricade.
Orton meets Hunter in the ring with the Orton Stomp, modeled after the world-renowned Garvin Stomp. Several punches later, referee Scott Armstrong reminds Randy that he can be disqualified, too. I feel left out. Can I be disqualified for something, Scott? Randy settles down the match with a headlock, cranking Triple H’s neck as if he is trying to pull a fat man out of a sewer pipe. With Randy bouncing off the ropes, Hunter connects with that Harley Race-like knee. Triple H owns a replica of Harley Race's knee, which he puts over his own knee to execute that move. Impressive.
Orton regains the advantage, jumps off the middle turnbuckle, and meets Triple H's foot. Hunter goes for the Pedigree, but Randy rolls through for a pin attempt. After a failed RKO, he slams Randy down with a spinebuster. As Triple H tries for the Pedigree again, Randy counters with Mike Sanders' 3.0 for the near-three count. WWE never bothered to name this move, so you will have to remember "Above Average" Mike Sanders to understand what I'm talking about here. I'll never forget Mike Sanders, but I'm most likely the only one who won't. A revived Hunter leaps off the top turnbuckle for some sort of unidentified move. Unable to identity this move, Randy chooses to dropkick Hunter in the face instead. People are afraid of what they do not understand. According to this match, wrestlers dropkick what they do not understand. When I become a wrestler, I want to dropkick Scientology and ugly people.
Hunter grabs Randy's foot to prevent the infamous punt. Beside the ropes, he flips the challenger over the top. In front of the line of announcers, Triple H slams Randy's head against the Spanish announce table. Guess what? Spanish announce tables don't break anymore, son. Don't even try. When Triple H wields a television monitor, Scott Armstrong reminds him that he will be disqualified if he hits his opponent with it. I don't know Hunter well, but maybe he just likes watching shows while he holds a TV in his hand. Eventually, Hunter opts to discard the television monitor. On the RAW announce table, Hunter sets Orton up for the Pedigree, but Orton back body drops Triple H onto the Spanish announce table, which doesn't break. For the last time, Spanish announce tables are super awesome. A cool moment occurs when Randy hangs Hunter over the table, then drops him onto the floor with a snap DDT. Cool moments are scarce in this bout, so enjoy them while they last. They're as scarce as Shamrock Shakes.
While Triple H rolls back into the ring, Orton attacks him with another Orton Stomp. Punching and kicking Hunter in the corner, Scott Armstrong lays down the Armstrong Law. You tell him, brother of Road Dogg. As Triple H inadvertently collides with the referee, Randy throws Hunter into Amstrong’s gut to take the referee out of the match. Help your brother, Brad Armstrong. In the aftermath of an RKO, Randy gets a sledgehammer out from under the ring. When he returns to the ring, Hunter punts him in the face in the second of two cool moments. Sadly, Randy immediately gets to his feet, only for Hunter to hit him in the face with a sledgehammer. The crowd looks to the entranceway, but the ramp is empty. This match is not horrible, yet it could use a few interferers. How many Armstrong brothers exist again?
Triple H mounts Orton and lands a series of punches. Finally, he finishes him off with a second Pedigree. The proverbial, audience-attacking, WrestleMania fireworks go off as Hunter stands over Randy, holding the WWE Championship. In hindsight, all is well in McMahonland for a little bit less than twenty-four hours. Now let's bring out Vince, Shane, and St... oh. The Pay-Per-View ended. Too bad.
For a main event that was meant to settle the personal score between bitter rivals, the match was disappointing. Michaels versus Undertaker had more drama than this match, but Michaels versus Undertaker had nothing personal on the line in the first place. If they wanted a happy ending to WrestleMania, put Cena's win in place of Hunter's win. That way, Randy Orton gets the victory he deserves. World Wrestling Entertainment was this close to cementing Orton as a legitimate megastar, but they chose to play it safe. At least the WrestleMania buyrate was good, right? In fact, it was so good, WWE refuses to report it. Scott Armstrong has disqualified WWE for being WWE.
Rating: **1/2
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 64th
John Cena vs. John Triton vs. Detective Danny Fisher
Aww, you done released a derivative action film now
Vince, you shoulda remade Fried Green Tomatoes or somethin'
You could've played Jessica Tandy — but now you can't, man
Oh, you're going to play those segments promoting John's films a lot, aren't you?
I'm not prepared for a motion picture of a questionable quality
I'm not preparied for a motion picture of a questionable quality
Your boy's in another movie, and he's invadin' the screens
Make audience members all scurred when you're presentin' the scenes
Shocked Hollywood, now you're standin' knee-deep
In your shalllow pool of money you made from the fourteenth-place movie of the week
You can't help but turn away from the 'plex
I watched your 12 Rounds, now give me a twelve-dollar cheque
Give me anything else — not really lovin' this
I'd rather see Race to Witch Mountain — at least there's a movie star in it
Cause John's playin' the same role again and again
I think he saved enough kidnapped wives and girlfiends
He's all over my TV like a colourful test pattern
WWE Films or watching bars — I don't which one is sadder
Everything that you be producin' is lame
It's like watchin' Stephanie McMahon pick out dinnerware with The Game
WWE made entertainment headlines, you're eighth-page news
You're making box-office bombs with the shortest fuse
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Ten vipers viping.
AND
This love's for gentleman only, wealthiest gentleman only.
WrestleMania XXV: "I think that Rey's career is alive and well, King." (Part 1)
This year, WrestleMania lived up to its name. On this four-hour extravaganza of a Pay-Per-View, some people wrestled. On the other hand, some people did not wrestle, but the number of people who did wrestle was more than the number of people who did not wrestle. Therefore, it is safe to say that people, in general, were wrestling at this particular event. Out of those individuals who wrestled, they wrestled a whole lot. If you watch the event for a second time, you will notice that these individuals were wrestling in a maniacal fashion. Due to their maniacal version of wrestling, you may call this event, "WrestleMania." Because this Pay-Per-View marks the 25th instance in which some people, in general, were wrestling in a maniacal fashion, many Romans in the olden days of Rome would not only deem this event to be a WrestleMania, but a "WrestleMania XXV." As for the non-Romans, they would use Roman numerals to describe this event because they like to feel classy and educated.
Professional wrestling analysts who are not me and will never be me claim that WrestleMania XXV is one of the weakest WrestleManias of all-time. I am not going to spoil this upcoming, two-part review for you, telling you how I felt about the dead crowd, the sub-par matchups, and the disappointing performances, but I will say that I am not one of those so-called professional wrestling analysts. Unlike them, I think before I think, think before I speak, speak before I write, and write before I put on pantaloons. You will not hear harsh, impulse judgments from this guy right here. After you read about this event from my perspective, you will understand why they get paid money to do what they do and why I get paid in starlight. When humankind must move to space, which uses starlight rather than money for the exchange of goods and services, who will be laughing now? Someone who laughs? I doubt it. I highly doubt it.
In the future, we shall look back on WrestleMania XXV and say, "What's a WrestleMania XXV?" Because we are old and lack the brainpower to comprehend and recall our memories, we will think that WrestleMania XXV was some kind of wild bird. When we visit the pet store and try to get our own WrestleMania XXV, the employee at said store will be confused. Apparently, pet stores don't carry WrestleMania XXV. They only carry Backlash. We don't want a bird from Ecuador, do we?
"America the Beautiful" by The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger
Don't you wish your America was beautiful like her? I don't think so, The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger. You may come from a multi-platinum recording group, but America likes gold. Multiple pieces of gold in record form. Judging from your exotic physical appearance, you seem to embody the melting pot that is the United States of America, but I don't think you're American at all. If I had to guess, you’re from Germany, Ireland, Canada, New Guinea, Mexico, Japan, the Philippines, Indonesia, India, and the Republic of Pussycat Dolls. In conclusion, I cannot enjoy your rendition of this song. You are playing the game of Risk rather unfairly.
In the background, the WrestleMania XXV set appears to consist of a bunch of high-definition screens, located below the WrestleMania XXV logo. I'm not sure what happened to the logo that looked like an Old West sheriff badge, but I assume that The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger had something to do with the change. She has now taken over Congo.
Shots representing America include:
1) A bald eagle in front of an American flag that waves in the breeze. The bald eagle stares directly at the camera. Will the bald eagle appear on RAW, Smackdown, or ECW?
2 ) An American flag waving in the breeze from a pole. A tree is partially obscuring my view of the American flag. Therefore, the tree represents the Middle East somehow.
3) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger petting an invisible rhinoceros in the middle of the ring.
4) Bung.
5) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger pushing an invisible piano with one hand in the middle of the ring.
6) The Washington Monument and the Blue Angels. Also, the Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger as she paints an invisible wall without a paintbrush.
7) A member of the U.S. Army either saluting or using his hand to avoid eye contact with the person standing next to him.
8) The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger guiding the invisible rhinoceros out of the ring while the bald eagle flies across a series of high-definition screens. Bald eagles and invisible rhinoceros have a storied past.
9) The Pussycat Doll's Nicole Scherzinger bowing to the audience. You pet a mighty fine rhinoceri, but remember to bring a brush the next time you want to paint an invisible wall. That way, the coat will not look too streaky.
Money in the Bank 5
CM Punk vs. Mark Henry vs. MVP vs. Finlay vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Kane
Welcome to the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania. The only way to enjoy the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania is to climb a ladder and enjoy the wonderment of the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania.
Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) CM Punk arrives, staring at his taped wrist. He is so pumped about the fifth Money in the Bank Ladder Match that he forgot his watch, which is surprisingly made out of wrist tape. Like a rebel, CM Punk ducks under three ladders. He believes luck is for losers, but how come that leprechaun has his own cereal? Do you see CM Punk-Os anywhere on the cereal shelves? I rest my briefcase.
2) Mark Henry, accompanied by his handler Tony Atlas, stomps down the ramp towards the ring. This match contains former sexual depictions of chocolate. He was going to give it all to you, but this 2009. Somebody is going to get their ass kicked instead. After that, maybe that somebody will get a piece of chocolate.
3) United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter jogs to the ring, hyping himself up in a boisterous manner. MVP wants to run, not walk. He's the Most Valuable Player of Time because he does not choose to waste it by walking.
4) Finlay makes his entrance with Hornswoggle. Father and son wear matching jackets, decorated with a single, futuristic shoulder pad on the right shoulder. Finlay's attire is a neat callback to his days in WCW. Hornswoggle's attire implies that he is a leprechaun from the future, entering the present to protect and prepare for us the robotic uprising of 3035. I can't wait that long. I want the see the robotic uprising right now.
5) In fancy gold tights with black trim, Shelton Benjamin comes out, dividing his time between running and walking. He is in a hurry, but believes that he should stop and smell the flowers once in a while. What a conflicted gentleman.
6) Kofi Kingston, sporting a sleeveless hooded sweatshirt, claps three times to cue his Jamaican pyrotechnic display. Kofi Kingston is a WWE Superstar loved by the WWE Universe because things happen when he claps. When I clap, I feel the sting on my hands for a few seconds. Then, I get a little sad.
7) Christian sparkles and shines in his grey warmup suit. He looks to the crowd to acknowledge his WWE peeps, then looks in the general direction of Orlando, Florida to say hello to his TNA peeps. He forgot his binoculars, as well as his ability to see through arenas.
8) Kane arrives to his ominous organ music. Jerry Lawler says that Reliant Stadium is on fire. Apparently, Lawler is unaware of the yule log that shows up on television screens across the world on Christmas Day. I tried to roast marshmallows on that yule log. The television won't let you.
To jumpstart WrestleMania XXV, Mark Henry and Kane battle each other in the ring while the others trade punches with one another on the outside. In other news, Tony Atlas is sleeveless. Thankfully, Christian and Shelton Benjamin disrupt the one-on-one fight by taking Henry and Kane out with the ladder. Next, Kofi Kingston enters the ring and jumps over the ladder before dropkicking and "bo-bo-bo-ing" it into the collective faces of Christian and Benjamin. Kofi is the new Shelton. Kofi Kingston is the iPhone. Shelton Benjamin is the rotary phone.
After kicking Finlay in the face, Kane becomes the first competitor the climb the ladder, followed by Mark Henry. This ladder is a strong one. I wonder how it would hold up if it had a traumatic childhood. The other six men use punches and kicks to take Henry and Kane off the ladder, then shove both men out of the ring like hefty bags of garbage; Mark Henry is used to this treatment. As payback, Henry and Kane tip the ladders over, forcing participants to find ways to break their sudden fall. The epic battle continues while Tony Atlas is sleeveless.
In an uncharacteristic move, Finlay executes a suicide dive on Kane and Shelton Benjamin. Christian is the next man to take down his opponents with a charging plancha, using the middle turnbuckle to springboard himself out of the ring, followed by MVP with a somersault senton. In the ring, Kofi Kingston and CM Punk use suicide dives to the outside, marking the first time that a man from Chicago and a man supposedly from Jamaica did the same move at the same time in the same match. Furious with Kofi's thrilling performance, Benjamin tries to top him with a somersault senton from the top of the ladder that stands in the aisle. With this move, Shelton Benjamin has upgraded himself from a rotary phone to Zack Morris' phone from Saved by the Bell. Mark Henry attempts to do a dive of his own, but Finlay hits him with his shillelagh. Hornswoggle uses Henry's back to execute the Tadpole Splash onto the six competitors at ringside. If my hypothetical child used Mark Henry to execute the Tadpole Splash onto six competitors at ringside, I would send him to his room.
Finlay clears the ring by attacking his opponents with Hornswoggle's miniature ladder. As Finlay scales up the rungs, Kofi Kingston kicks Finlay in the facial area with the Trouble in Paradise. Mark 'Henry immediately stops Kofi from climbing the ladder with an ambush. Henry tries to set up the folded ladder, only for Kofi to ascend to the top of it. Saving Kofi from a fall, Mark pulls off the World's Strongest Slam, driving Kofi's back against the ladder that now leans against the top rope. I am going to assume that this move hurts.
At ringside, MVP subdues Henry with a shot from a smaller ladder, then battles with Shelton Benjamin. Once MVP reverses a general Benjamin attack into a powerbomb, he climbs the standing ladder. Christian and Punk interrupt MVP's attempt before Christian executes a botched Unprettier on Punk from the smaller ladder as it lies flat over the top rope and the middle rung of the standing ladder. Perhaps Christian fell before Punk because Christian is wrestling in another time zone. Another botch occurs when Benjamin loses his grip on a sunset powerbomb attempt on MVP. Shelton Benjamin’s status has been downgraded from Zack Morris' phone from Saved by the Bell to a empty soup can connected to a string. In response, Shelton powerbombs MVP up and over the top rope onto three men. I'm not changing my decision. If he wants, he can be two, empty soup cans, but I'm not changing my mind any further.
Like an Irish fool, a high-rise punching contest between Shelton and Finlay ends up with the Irishman falling back first onto the horizontal ladder. I have a back support cushion that I am not using at the moment. Perhaps Finlay will need it. Learning from past ladder matches, Christian and Shelton end up falling with the ladder, but Christian regains his balance by standing on the top rope. At this point, the fans are crazy for Christian, but I am crazy for ladders. Is it possible for a ladder to climb a ladder and win the Money in the Bank Ladder Match? Fingers are crossed. Simultaneously climbing two ladders, Christian's title hopes are dashed when Kane throws Christian off with his new finishing move: the Chokeslam Shove. Finally, CM Punk kicks Kane off the ladder to attain the briefcase for the second straight year. He is Mr. Money in the Bank once again. Man, he likes climbing ladders for briefcases. More than me, at least.
The quality of Money in the Bank matches is based on a single rule: each match becomes the inferior version of the one that came before it, no matter what. Like last year's match, Money in the Bank 5 was an entertaining but disappointing affair. In particular, the glaring mistakes left a sour taste in my mouth. While I watch WrestleMania XXVI, perhaps I stop eating lemons dipped in vinegar.
Rating: ***
Detroit City's Kid Rock Tries to Rock The House With a Ten-Minute Concert
Kid Rock, the multi-platinum recording artist and former spouse of “multi-record platinuming” artist Pamela Anderson, shows up on the stage in a hat, a pair of thick, black-rimmed glasses, and a plaid shirt. At this time, Kid Rock is the nerdiest, English lumberjack I have ever seen at a WrestleMania event. No offense, Mark Jindrak. He begins his set with the hit song "Bawitdaba," ensuring that Vince McMahon World Wrestling Entertainment will immediately love their decision to leave the Unified Tag Team Title Match between The Colons and The Miz & John Morrison off the card for the sake of Kid Rock.
As the crowd looks on in stunned silence, he plays "Rock N Roll Jesus," "Cowboy," and "All Summer Long" to keep them in awe of his Kid Rockness. Kid Rock is the only artist who can pay tribute to and rip off Lynyrd Skynyrd in the same song. Best of luck to him in the future. For Kid Rock and Vince McMahon, the future is the year 1999.
25-Diva Battle Royal
While Kid Rock continues to play his musical brand of music ("So Hott"), divas of the past and present make their entrance, pretending to be attracted to him. Kelly Kelly and Melina grind with Kid Rock. Maria, dressed in an Eskimo costume from the waist up, blows a kiss at him. Surprisingly, WWE Divas Champion Maryse gives Kid Rock a peck on the cheek. I know Maryse is French-Canadian all, but she should have higher standards. Michelle McCool attempts to either hug or kiss Kid Rock, but he turns his back on her. This development shall be beneficial to the both of you. Tiffany, the new General Manager of ECW, dances with Kid Rock in a flirtatious fashion. Why dance with Kid Rock when you have Kid Carlton at home, lady? It’s not unusual to dance with Kid Carlton.
World Wrestling Entertainment failed to introduce the twenty-five participants competing in the battle royal. The Swerved has almost nothing in common with WWE, so the list of participants is as follows: Melina, Maryse, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kellly, Mickie James, Layla, Rosa Mendes, Eve, Michelle McCool, Tiffany, Natalya, Maria, Katie Lea Burchill, Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, and special appearances by Molly Holly, Sunny, Torrie Wilson, Jackie Gayda, Victoria, Joy Giovanni, and Santina Marella — Santino's twin sister. Due to its poor presentation, I am not positive that any of these competitors were actually in the match. I tried to count the number of breasts in the ring, but I only got up to 43. Was a WWE Diva wrestling with only one breast? That's dangerous. Thankfully, your guest timekeeper is Mae Young because wrestling in this match would be the end of her. Beside her, Candice Michelle waits to present the crown and sash to the first Miss WrestleMania. Don't cry for Candice Michelle. Her career is already dead.
If you are one of those fans who doesn’t understand why this match was terrible, look back at this match and think about the number of times that Michael Cole, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler said, "I think ________________ was eliminated." They could not follow the match. We could not follow the match. Therefore, who could follow this match? In a questionable move, WWE thought it would be best if the announce team did not refer to the fact that Santino was in the battle royal, wearing a wig and women's clothing as Santina Marella. In the end, World Wrestling Entertainment is always right. You are always wrong. Listen to WWE and you will be a better person for it.
Beth Phoenix, Santina Marella, Michelle McCool, Mickie James, and Melina were the final five. Melina took down Beth by failing to gain a flying piggyback ride. Beth Phoenix paid Melina back for the attempt by lifting her over the top rope. As they teetered on the ropes, Santina Marella eliminated both women to become Miss WrestleMania, capping off the crowning with a hip-hop-inspired dance in the ring.
Despite the presence of Santina Marella, this was a battle royal that set women's wrestling back two or more decades. In retrospect, everyone in attendance should have taken a collective bathroom and or beer break during this match. In lieu of a bathroom or beer break, they should have set themselves on fire while running into a fire and listening to the upbeat sounds of Earth, Wind, and Fire at a firehouse.
Rating: 1/2
3-on-1 Handicap Match
Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat with Ric Flair
Mickey Rourke, the star of The Wrestler has a front seat for tonight's match. He doesn't look like he wants to watch WrestleMania. If I were Mickey Rourke as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, I'd want to do something cooler, like play Call of Duty 4 on my analog television, or work at a deli for comedian Todd Barry. WrestleMania XXV is no Call of Duty 4, nor is it a deli managed by comedian Todd Barry.
Chris Jericho makes his no-nonsense appearance, chewing on a piece of metaphorical gum. This metaphorical piece of gum represents every hypocritical, sycophantic, and parasitic WWE Hall of Famer who refuses to quit and does not want to brush their legendary teeth after eating. Dentyne isn't going to do the trick, even if you don't pick the cinammon flavour.
The WWE Legends appear on the ramp as a single unit. "The Nature Boy" kisses Snuka and Steamboat on the cheek, but he gets no love from Roddy Piper. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper only loves you as a friend, Ric. As one, they march down to the ring for their match. In the process, Ric Flair hugs Mickey Rourke. Stop trying to love those who don't love you in that way, Ric. You will end up with a broken heart that nobody can repair.
Piper is the first to battle Jericho. He clotheslines Jericho out of the ring, then slams him against the announce table. After a pin attempt, Roddy Piper momentarily leaves the mat and connects with a one-legged dropkick. I applaud Piper for attempting this move, but if he cannot execute a dropkick without risking his health, I recommend that he does not try to do it.
With Snuka in the match, he bombards Jericho with a series of punches. Steamboat, who can actually move, flies off the top turnbuckle and takes Jericho off his feet with a couple of armdrags. When I am in my mid-fifties, I wish to armdrag those younger than me just like Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. He is my middle-aged idol. The Taylor Hicks to my Ryan Seacrest, if you will. I believe you will not.
Snuka, resembling a haggard cheetah, returns to the ring to headbutt his opponent, but Chris Jericho easily defeats him with the Walls of Jericho. Break the haggard cheetahs down. Piper attacks Jericho with a eye poke and his trademark sleeper, but succumbs to an Enziguri for the three count. After the pinfall, Steamboat connects with a flying crossbody for a pin attempt of his own. Once Jericho cinches in a headlock in the centre of the ring, Steamboat makes the "babyfaciest" babyface of comebacks, escaping the hold before lifting Jericho over the top rope and connecting with another flying crossbody to the floor. A third visit to the top turnbuckle results in a successful knife-edge chop to the top of Jericho's head. If you are going to chop somebody with the edge of a knife, you might as well chop them in the head.
Gaining the upper hand on his opponent, Jericho puts Steamboat in the Walls of Jericho, but "The Dragon" reverses the submission hold for another pin attempt. When Jericho lifts Steamboat up, “The Dragon” lands on his feet. Jericho finds this reversal fairly disturbing. In fact, he finds this reversal so disturbing that he nails Steamboat with the Codebreaker for the victory. A furious Ric Flair attacks Jericho after the match with a million knife-edge chops, then Jericho retaliates with another Codebreaker. Next, he shoves Ric out of the ring.
Jericho gets on the microphone, claiming that he is the best in the world at what he does. I, for one, agree. He is the best guy named Chris Jericho who beats up old people before 70,000 people. Jericho calls Mickey Rourke a coward, a liar, and a hypocrite. Do not speak to Mickey Rourke like that when he is wearing a black cowboy hat and sitting to the right of Frank Shamrock, Mr. Jericho. You will regret your words.
Rourke takes his sweet time to take off his jacket and enter the ring. Excuse me, Mickey Rourke, but Tony Atlas appeared sleeveless about forty minutes ago. You are not an innovator. Rourke assumes his boxing stance and circles a talkative Jericho. Chris puts up his dukes and tries to fight Rourke, but Mickey clocks him in the face with a right hook. Ric Flair celebrates with Mickey Rourke in the ring and on the ramp.
While the match could have been a complete disaster, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat's performance saved us all from impending doom. To me, Jericho versus Steamboat would have been a better match for WrestleMania XXV. Although Hogan and Steve Austin were preferable opponents, Steamboat's efforts made this match worth its inclusion on the card. I can only hope that Ricky Steamboat competes in a few more matches as I never got the chance to him in action during his peak. When you are better than the majority of the active roster, many of whom are more than half your age, you should stick around for a little bit. Also, Mickey Rourke should celebrate his knockout by playing Call of Duty 4. Ric Flair will call it, "Call or Duty 4," so Mickey will have to correct him.
Rating: **1/2
The National Guard Commercial
Look out there. look at the debris. Look at the size of that thing. That's what she or the guy in the commercial said. Did you know that the National Guard have their own commercial? Neither did I. They like to chase hurricanes, you know. Do you? Neither do I.
Extreme Rules Match
Matt Hardy (Brother) vs. Jeff Hardy (Brother)
Matt Hardy hails from Cameron, North Carolina with a new pair tights and a colonial war jacket of some sort. He is ready to wrestle in the Portuguese Colonial War, representing the Cameron, North Carolina area of Portugal. After his entrance, Jeff Hardy appears, wearing purple paint on his face — a touching tribute to children's booths at local Renaissance fairs and Grimace, the purple thing from McDonald's. Jeff Hardy pays tribute to a lot of weird things.
Fed up with Matt Hardy's antics, Jeff Hardy slaps his older brother in the face. Using a large, framed picture of a WWE Magazine cover, Jeff bashes Matt over the head with it. Matt didn't burn your house down, Jeff. He was "framed." This pun makes me the coolest Batman villain of the 50s. I'm talking Julie Newmar as Catwoman here. Outside the ring, Jeff uses the steel steps to launch himself into the air for a flying leg lariat and or press, followed by a second attempt in the corner of the ring that fails to connect. Jeff comes off the top turnbuckle with the Whisper in the Wind, but Matt swings a chair at Jeff's lower body. That move was rather unpleasant for Jeff’s lower body.
Underneath the ring, Matt Hardy acquires a vacuum and hits Jeff in the face with it. In wrestling, when you don't know how to properly use a household appliance or tool, you hit them in the face with it. Them's the rules. Matt Hardy drops his brother with a Side Effect on the steel chair, but that move only gets a two count.
The ring, which magically gives birth to wooden tables now and again, provides a table for Matt to use. He sets up the table at ringside, but Jeff fights back with a Singapore Cane and a Singapore Crutch. The differences between a Singapore Crutch and a regular crutch are minimal, yet evident. Stuffing a trash can over Matt's head, Jeff hits the can with the crutch, sending Matt into the corner of the ring to receive a turnbuckle-assisted kick to the face.
Missing the Swanton Bomb, Matt Hardy nails the Twist of Fate for a pin attempt. Moments later, Jeff strikes a steel chair over Matt's head, then rolls him onto the table on the outside. Obtaining a second table, he positions it over Matt. Off the top turnbuckle, he breaks Matt and the tables in half with a splash. Jim Ross wonders if this match can get anymore extreme. Why, yes it can, Jim Ross. What happens if a bear shows up, flying a helicopter without a helicopter pilot’s license? That would be extreme. Extremely awesome.
Jeff Hardy borrows a couple of ladders from Money in the Bank and stands them up in the ring. Since one ladder is taller than the other, the taller ladder looks like the parent, while the smaller ladder looks like a child. That's a sweet visual in more ways than one. Next, Jeff leapfrogs over the taller ladder for what seems to be an attempted seated senton, but Matt manages to avoid to his brother at the last second. Wedging Jeff's head into an standing steel chair, Matt uses an alternate yet extreme version of the Twist of Fate to put his brother away for the win.
This match was short yet enjoyable. Therefore, Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy was the professional wrestling equivalent to Danny DeVito. The bout cannot compete with the greatness of past WrestleMania matches involving the Hardy Boys, but a WrestleMania XXV match is a WrestleMania XXV match. At least they didn't have to kiss Kid Rock.
Rating: ***
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