To my utter disbelief, WWE continues to make millions of dollars through merchandising, show revenues, and DVD sales. Although they have an impressive cast of athletically gifted performers, I find it difficult to cheer on these supposed larger-than-life males and females. Each time I tune in on Mondays, Tuesdays, and early Saturday mornings (I spend Friday nights with my homies at the water park), I do not see a roster of unique personalities. To me, WWE consists of a dull hodgepodge of ordinary characters with ordinary names and ordinary costumes. While exceptions to the unofficial rule do exist, I do not think much of that rule. I am well aware that the entertaining days of The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ric Flair, the New World Order, and Jerry Flynn are done, but that does not mean that gimmicks must become extinct, too.
The people of Stamford, Connecticut fail to realize that gimmicks still have meaning in today's industry. Look no further than ECW to observe their faulty thought process. World Wrestling Entertainment presents former TNA wrestler Chris Harris to the public and brands him with the super amazing name of Braden Walker. As the average fan, am I supposed to care about somebody named Braden Walker? "Wow, that guy's first name is Braden? I adore him already. Please give him my next forty paychecks." In my opinion, that name doesn't even sound real. The only Bradens I know come from the mean streets of Orange County. I'm not sure what the WWE creative and marketing teams are smoking and or toking, but names like Braden Walker, Colin Delaney, and Ricky Ortiz mean nothing to me without a strong gimmick to back up them up.
When I refer to the wrestling gimmick, I'm not talking about outlandish personalities that one cannot take seriously. Even though my dream WWE main event scene would consist of an underwater farmer named Mortimer P. Winterbean, a cowboy horticulturalist named Jethro Pennyfeather, and a futurist clown named Omar 5000, my realistic version of World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite different. I don't believe I'm asking for the stars and the moon in the sky when I express my desire to see intriguing, relatable characters on my television screen. As for you, the wrestling enthusiast who pays good money to a company that cannot succeed without your dollars, you should expect no less either. If you care enough about the product, send your e-letters and paper letters written on Val Venis stationery to WWE Headquarters and voice your concern and frustration with the company's lack of gimmicks. Tell them that Braden Walker is like a butter knife to a steel skyscraper -- it will simply not cut it.
Before my tirade sparks the third, fourth, and fifth world wars, I wish to present a gift to World Wrestling Entertainment. Unlike Vince McMahon, I pay attention to the pop culture landscape, at least past the year 500 B.C. As I take an inquisitive glance at this culture, I see numerous characters and personalities that can work in professional wrestling. This week, The Swerved calls upon WWE to utilize these gimmick suggestions. While I do not want them to rip these gimmicks off completely, I hope they can find in their sheltered hearts to borrow certain aspects from these personas to make their programming better. Will they do it? Not likely.
From the motion picture epic See No Evil to the mega motion picture epic known as The Marine, World Wrestling Entertainment has stuck to the belief that you can’t get enough of horrible movies. On the other hand, The Swerved treats you with respect. For you, I would put my trench coat over a puddle so you would not have to step your high heel in said puddle. Do you see how respectful I am, Guy Who Wears Lady’s Shoes? The Swerved is aware that you don't watch movies by WWE Films for entertainment purposes. You watch WWE flicks because you have nothing better to do with your time. Well, for the benefit of your collective sanity, I challenge WWE to adapt a character from a film that has actually won Academy Awards. Last year, director, writer, and producer Paul Thomas Anderson made There Will Be Blood, a movie about a ruthless oil man who does whatever it takes to gain power and wealth in the early 20th century. The protagonist is Daniel Plainview, a character played by Daniel Day Lewis, an actor who you may have seen in infinitely better movies than The Condemned. If WWE cannot create a character as dynamic as Daniel Plainview, they might as well steal the concept of him.
For those of you who detest spoiler alerts, wander over to the corner and play with your building blocks for a few minutes because this paragraph is a spoiler within a spoiler making love to another spoiler to produce a new generation of spoilers. At the beginning of There Will Be Blood, Plainview adopts the son of a oil killed in a well disaster. As Plainview gains success in the oil industry, he utilizes his adopted son as a bargaining chip to present himself as a family man who aspires to support himself and son through a family business. When his adopted son becomes an expendable resource, he abandons him without much thought. Later in the film, a gentleman who claims to be the long lost half-brother of Daniel becomes his new business partner. When Daniel believes that the supposed half-brother is not the man he claims to be, Daniel shoots him in the head and buries him in the dirt. In the end, There Will Be Blood is a feel-good family romp that little kids should deem a classic. Move over, Cinderella. Daniel Plainview is the belle of this ball.
What's so interesting about There Will Be Blood, you ask? Daniel Plainview is a man who gives up everything for virtually nothing. At first, he has a family, a successful career, and a happy life. By the film‘s conclusion, he is a lonely murderer in an empty mansion. Some might say that Vince McMahon is the professional wrestling equivalent to Daniel Plainview. After all, Vince is greedy and ruthless as well. Though I would agree with that idea to an extent, Vince McMahon is a private man, recovering in a random hospital at the moment. Don't you remember? Right now, he doesn't count. Plus, Vince McMahon doesn't wear early 20th century clothes. He doesn't sport a prominent, bushy moustache like Daniel. He doesn't wear a flat-brimmed hat. And finally, he doesn’t speak in a turn-of-the-century accent. Put a Daniel Plainview in WWE and you will have fans drinking milk-related beverages that do not belong to them in no time. I’m finished.
At its worst, the wrestling industry is a grimy cesspool of the world's most sketchy individuals. Everywhere you turn, a fellow wrestler who claims to be your friend can stab you in the back, snatching your spot out from under you without remorse. Furthermore, wrestling promoters are a terrible breed of scheming, smelly cheapskates who would rather lose their two kidneys than pay their talent what they deserve. Since professional wrestling can be so cutthroat, I think it might be best for a professional wrestler to reflect the industry's often uncaring nature. From what I can gather from the current scene, wrestling needs a troubled, bitter curmudgeon who helps others, yet is unable to help himself. In other words, wrestling needs Dr. Gregory House.
If I could take the super men of WWE, put them in a rocket, and send them to space, I would. I understand why the lovely ladies and the little children love John Cena, but why should I? In a nutshell, John Cena is invincible. He has no flaws. If he does have a flaw, his flaw is that he is too invincible. What kind of human being is flawless? Do you know one? The company chooses to place John Cena on a superstar pedestal, which is all fine like wine, at least until I ponder what specific character traits make his persona so endearing. Whenever I watch Hugh Laurie as Gregory House on the FOX hit medical drama, I can't help but wish that I could see such a character on WWE programming.
House is a genius doctor who solves mystery illnesses in the unorthodox style of Sherlock Holmes. How does that character fit into professional wrestling? Besides his superhuman problem solving skills, Gregory House is a vulnerable shell of a man who avoids life's biggest conundrums with drugs, drugs, and more drugs. Due to chronic pain in his leg, House must use a cane. Despite the amount knowledge in his head, he lacks social knowledge. He states that he does not need others, but he's just like you and I -- he wants to love, he wants to be loved. You know you want that connection. Sure, you want to act tough and all with your mesh t-shirt, but sometimes, you dig the loving embrace of another dude. Come on. I can see it in your dead eyeballs. You crave that man-next-to-man action.
If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires a cane to function, they have themselves a superstar. If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires two canes to function, they have themselves a megastar and a table. If WWE debuts a flawed wrestler who requires four canes to function, they don't have a superstar or a megastar. They have a guy who hogs canes for himself. Don't go overboard, WWE.
Let’s review the monsters of WWE, shall we? Snitsky is a monster. He likes to hurt people. Kane is a monster. He likes to hurt people. Umaga is a monster. He is an ethnic bulldozer and likes to hurt people. The amount of unforgiving monsters in WWE makes me want to start a riot. Then again, I'm sick of WWE monsters, so I will simply knock over a vase on a soft carpet and call it a day.
I don't think I'm the only one in this world who wishes to see a monster in WWE with both physical and emotional complexities. For the super cool guys and gals who have no time for comic books or films based on such literature, boy or girl do I have news for you. Summer box office numbers have proven that within the pages of comics are complicated, fascinating tales about ordinary individuals with extraordinary abilities. I am not a fanatical follower of comics myself, but even I can admit that these books contain storytelling excellence. For instance, I do not understand why the professional wrestling monster has not yet evolved into a character like the Incredible Hulk. Out of all characters in the comic universe, the Hulk seems to be a given.
The story of the Hulk is as follows: Genius physicist Bruce Banner creates a gamma bomb for future use as a military weapon. During a test explosion of the bomb, Banner accidentally exposes himself to an extreme amount of gamma radiation. Then, that exposure transforms the miniscule man into the green goliath known as the Incredible Hulk. The story of the Hulk follows Banner as he struggles to deal with the guilt caused by the raging, destructive power inside him, the angry monster which he helped to make. Throughout his pained existence, Bruce's romantic interest Betty Ross is the one person who tries to wrap her head around his inner turmoil. Does World Wrestling Entertainment want any part of this story and character? Not in a million years. In two million years, maybe they will reconsider.
What would I give to see a reluctant monster in WWE, the kind of killer who does not strive to kill? I would hand over not just one Klondike Bar, but two. The Incredible Hulk is the type of character that anyone can get behind. If you cannot sympathize with the Hulk's predicament, you must be an alien. I bet you have three eyes, a fish face, and interchangeable hands and feet. In the case of an Incredible Hulk-like wrestler, picture a man who is afraid of himself. Picture a man who both despises and embraces his alter ago. On the flipside, picture a female who is that man's only meaningful source of human connection, but that man cannot connect with her because he does not want to hurt her. If WWE wises up, picture cash money in their cash-hungry pockets. They don't have to colour the next wrestling monster green. They just have to make the next wrestling monster human.
In Christopher Nolan's Memento, protagonist Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) is a former insurance claims investigator in search of his wife's murderer. With great determination, he scours the city for a man named John G. In his mind, Leonard believes that he can exact revenge on John G. by killing him. Also in his mind, Leonard does not comprehend what he is doing for he suffers from a rare form of amnesia that prevents his brain from creating new memories. Although he can recall memories made prior to the incident that gave him his condition, his short-term memory is shot. Therefore, he takes notes and photographs to help him remember where he was, where is he, and where he must go. Notes and photographs are nice, but are they reliable? As time passes, doesn't our minds tend to skew past memories to our liking? Did this John G. really kill Leonard’s wife? Is Leonard Shelby actually Leonard Shelby? Drama for your mama in Botswana, no doubt.
If they want, World Wrestling Entertainment can use a wrestler with no short-term memory for comedy. If they please, Vince McMahon and the legendary writer that is Stephanie McMahon can take a wrestler with amnesia in a serious direction. While Cactus Jack had amnesia for a short period in early 90s WCW, I was not around in that era so The Swerved did not get the chance to save that ill-fated story. Good job, Atlantans.
Nevertheless, you present an indecisive character who second guesses his every move inside and outside of the ring and you get quality television. You have a guy that heels can manipulate. You have a man that does not know fantasy from reality, fiction from truth. Who wouldn't want an amnesiac in WWE? Like Leonard, WWE has short-term memory loss. In addition, they love to lie to themselves on a consistent basis. One week, Vince McMahon doesn't like Ric Flair. The next week, McMahon and Flair are buddies. The following week, who’s Ric Flair? World Wrestling Entertainment and Leonard Shelby go hand in hand, skipping down an open, dusty trail into the yellow-orange sunset. They're perfect for each other.
United States of America Network's Monk follows the obsessive-compulsive life of San Franciscan detective Adrian Monk (Tony Shalhoub). His disorder stems from the unexpected death of his wife in a car bomb explosion. Through repetitive actions and behaviour, Monk tries to cope with his trauma.
To make matters clear once again, I don't want WWE to boast an entire roster of broken-hearted talent. At its core, I understand that professional wrestling is popcorn entertainment. With that said, I do want WWE to give me reasons to care for the members of their roster. An Adrian Monk-type gimmick can work in professional wrestling because a character who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder is not able to turn the condition on and off; rather, the disorder lingers throughout the character’s life.
Years ago, Tommy Dreamer took on a gimmick in which he ate and drank whatever you gave him. I never got how drinking Barbasol or eating a whole shark translates or matters in the wrestling ring, but I assume that is the exact reason why the gimmick failed. With an obsessive-compulsive wrestler, the possibilities are limitless. The wrestler can take fifteen minutes to get into the ring because he has to jog twenty times around ringside to feel safe in the arena. The wrestler can refrain from pinning a man in the ring, unless the opponent's head is facing eastward. Most of all, the wrestler can choose not to compete at all because he is convinces himself that wrestling on the third Monday of the month will bring bad on himself and the audience.
I do not wish obsessive-compulsive disorder on any of you fine readers for that is a serious condition. Conversely, I do wish obsessive-compulsive disorder on the next WWE character because that man, woman, little person, kangaroo, or oversized infant will immediately stand out from the rest of the bland pack.
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