John Cena stars as John Triton in WWE's Films The Marine, which is not fair. When I'm John Triton, I don't get to be in a film.
Rome and his cronies walk through a swamp. Kate, on the shoulder of Rocket Launcher Man, gains a second wind and starts to pummel her carrier with axe handles and a knee to his rocket launching face. She hops off Rocket Launcher Man's shoulders and slaps Sexy Accomplice across the face with her tied hands. She tries to run away, but Rome Crony #4 snatches her.
Sexy Accomplice: If you and I are going to be friends, you're going to have to learn some manners.
Sexy Accomplice slaps her in the face and calls her a bitch. You could cut the tension between the two with a sexy knife. Meanwhile, Rocket Launcher Man complains to Rome about their watery trek. Rome reminds him that Rocket Launcher Man was the one who killed the cops with a rocket launcher, which forced them to retreat in such a primitive fashion. Rocket Launcher Man is frustrated that the crew is blaming a black man, so he pulls a gun on Rome Crony #5, which forces Rome to pull a gun on him. Rome calms the scene down with his words, then shoots Rome Crony #5 with his bullets. The crew leaves the scene as Rocket Launcher Man watches crocodiles eat Rome Crony #5. I don't know what you're thinking, crocodiles. Rome Crony #5 has too many carbohydrates.
Expository Investigator drives his expository car and speaks to an officer over a walkie talkie. At the scene of John's crash, the police officer claims that nobody could have survived the ordeal. Expository Investigator, out of character, simply wants to be kept informed, even though he saw John Triton beforehand. Expository Investigator is reliable with secrets, much like a ten-year-old girl's diary under lock and key.
Rome's crew ducks down low as they walk through the swamp. This move should make them automatically invisible. A police speedboat and helicopter maneuver down the river in search for the group. You won't find them because they are ducking pretty low, officers. A gaggle of officers on foot lead Rome-sniffing dogs after the quintet. Also in search for Rome's crew, John encounters a blood-covered tree stump and runs away with a knife-esque weapon.
The helicopter hovers over a swampside house. I'm the Expository Investigator's protégé.
Rome gets a call from the mysterious man who first spoke to him during the Sexy Accomplice strip show. Rome runs down the crimes he has committed as late: triple homicide and a kidnapping. Rome deems these events as a game called "You're Out." What a terrible game, T-1000. You have made me play a game called "I'm Out." Rome tells the man that he will get no diamonds, there will be no payoff, and there will be no nothing.
Rome takes another call on his phone. Will there be "Rome-ing" fees for this one? Yes, there will because that was the stupidest pun ever. In response to the lady on the other end, Rome asks her about the premium and sports channel package. Rome likes his television options, as do I. In the distance, a helicopter flies around, forcing the crew to seek cover next to a fallen tree. Once the helicopter leaves, Rome's crew continues their scenic walk.
Somewhere in the wilderness, John notices the shoeprints of his wife and kidnappers. In his hand is the knife-esque dagger, which could be used to cut dense cakes. He continues to follow the trail of Rome and jumps over several large tree branches and trunks.
With Kate, the crew walks some more. Rocket Launcher Man sees a snake and freaks out. He tells Rome Crony #4 that there are no brothers in Deliverance. He also says that brothers don't camp. I don't have a brother, but I'm sure someone's brother enjoys camping. Although, sisters don't farm. Rome questions why Rocket Launcher Man always has to argue using race. When Rome asks Kate what she thinks about it, she calls Rome's crew psychotic. Why, Kate? It is because Sexy Accomplice likes to farm?
Rome has light-hearted words with Kate. As flighty Looney Tunes music plays in the background, Rome tells Kate that they could have had a future if Sexy Accomplice wasn't so sexy. Kate calls him insane. Why don't you at least try farming, Kate? You might enjoy it.
Two thugs (one in flannel and the other in a tanktop) mistake John for a cop. During his calming hike, John is caught in a net that scoops him up off the ground. He uses his trusty cake dagger to escape from the net. As soon as he gets to his feet, flannel guy points a shotgun to John's face. John holds the cake dagger to the man's throat and assures him that he is not a cop. The tanktop thug smacks John in the back of the head with a piece of wood and takes him out. What can't wood do?
A speedboat investigator moves up to the swampside house. The officer coming out of the house finds nothing. Expository Investigator, taking the longest drive in expository investigating history, demands that they investigate all shacks on the riverbed. As the speedboat leaves, Rome scopes out the area from afar. Rome talks to his cronies about the house. They will enter the house once the cops retreat. At that time, he could also turn liquid silver, but I'm just making a suggestion.
Inside a shack which appears to double as a meth lab, an unconscious John Triton is secured to a wooden chair. He regains consciousness and is treated with a punch to the face, courtesy of the tanktopper. When John tries to convince tanktopper and the flannel friend that he is not a cop, he is punched in the face again. Moral of the story--don't do anything. Finally, John admits that he is a cop; the two become angry at this news. The helicopter sounds above and distracts the tanktopper, which allows John to headbutt the guy, spin around in the air, and break his chair on the landing. What the frick, John? I made that chair for you.
John spinkicks tanktopper and engages in a fight with the flannel friend. John is tossed into a table full of chemicals, gets up without harm, and spears the flannel friend through a pillar. I made that pillar for you and your wife, Triton. With a job well done, he sprints out of the shack and hops along the swamp woods. I'm done building you things in my woodshop.
Rome and his crew cross the river and make their way into the other shack.
Rome Crony #4: Did something die in here?
Rocket Launcher Man: I don't know, but it smells like baked ass.
Rocket Launcher Man has vendettas against soccer mothers, one-hundred-and-ten-pound women, and baked asses. I do not like him. Rome commands Rocket Launcher Man to find a generator. Rome's request does not sit well with him. He fears that outdoor white folk, craving some man love, will get to him. Well, not with that attitude, you fool. Rocket Launcher Man shares a camp memory involving a counsellor by the name of Johnny Whiplash. The counsellor offered friendship, rock candy, and man love. Rome brushes off the story and tells him to go find a generator. I bet some man love is hiding behind the generator.
Kate sits at a table and slides her hand through the knot that cuffs her. Rocket Launcher Man steps outside to find the generator. He walks underneath the lodge, flips on switches, and presses a button. The lodge lights up and begins to play music from the jukebox. Rome says that's cool. Rome is cool.
In the midst of the jukebox song, Rocket Launcher Man hears a strange noise behind him. When he turns around, John bursts through a flimsy wall of wood and pounches on him. John attempts to stab Rocket Launcher Man with the cake dugger, but Rocket Launcher Man overpowers John and forces him backwards. John and Rocket Launcher Man fight with various home and garden tools until John retains his cake dagger and stabs Rocket Launcher Man in the stomach. Use the rocket launcher. Use it now. Too late. Rocket Launcher Man dies.
Rome takes a sip from a beer bottle and exits the lodge. He cellular phones Frank, the garage owner who tried to give Rocket Launcher Man the van. A woman in a bikini answers and hands the phone over to Frank. A woman in a bikini is typing this review for me as I dictate it to her. Rome tells Frank that is going to Plan B--he wants Frank to have a car ready for him at Rita's down by the marina. Rome thinks out loud that his crew may be headed for Phoenix. Little does he know that John is hearing this conversation below him. John has ears like a bat who is also a marine.
Sexy Accomplice and Kate have a talk. Sexy Accomplice sits on a chair AC Slater style, which is sexy I guess. Kate calls Sexy Accomplice pathetic and Rome's puppet. Sexy Accomplice walks away in disgust. She doesn't like farming, Sexy Accomplice. Don't listen to her.
At the bar, Rome informs Rome Crony #4 of the plan. A guy in Phoenix will move their diamonds for them. This news good news because diamonds are sometimes pointy and heavy. Rome instructs Rome Crony #4 (he calls him Bennett) to find a way to start the boat on the pier and check on Rocket Launcher Man. He dead. He dead forever.
Bennett stands out on the pier and calls out for Morgan (Dead Rocket Launcher Man) with gun in possession. John sneak attacks Bennett and the gun falls into the water. Bennett and John trade punches, then John grabs Bennett by the throat and chokeslams him into a pile of crates. At this point, I assume John stomps on Bennett's neck. That was Y2Cheap. Thank you for teaching me the meaning of that confusing insult. He drags Bennett over next to Dead Rocket Launcher Man and covers them in a blanket.
Expository Investigator appears. John holds up his hands. Expository Investigator gazes down at the bodies and gets word from John that two baddies are left. Expository Investigator tells John to stay where he is at, though John refuses. Expository Investigator gives him the okay. The Expository Investigator's blessing is similar to a blessing from the Pope.
The lodge lights shut off; Kate takes that as a cue to run for it. When I experience a blackout in my neighbourhood, I run in place just in case the blackout is temporary (I don't want to run to another place for no reason). Sexy Accomplice runs after Kate down the steps. Kate slips and falls but manages to get up. Sexy Accomplice catches up and wrestles her to the ground. Kate stands up first and kicks Sexy Accomplice in the abdomen. They slap and slap and slap and slap. Kate kicks her over a stack of barrels, only for Sexy Accomplice to return to her feet and point a gun in Kate's direction.
John rolls into the lodge and asks Rome about Kate's whereabouts. Rome laughs as Expository Investigator makes a dramatic entrance with a serious face and a serious firearm. Rome tells John that Expository Investigator will not act until he gets his diamonds, or in this swervilicious swerving case, his cut. Thank you, World Wrestling Entertainment, for paying homage to this blog for the thousandth time. John turns to Expository Investigator and realizes that the gun is pointed at his face. Don't do it or tell me about doing it in extreme detail, man.
Swervy Investigator demands that Rome hand over the diamonds. Rome calms him down and claims that they will split it if Swervy Investigator shoots John. Before Swervy Investigator decides, John swings around and grabs him. Rome shoots at John but pegs Swervy Investigator instead. Sparks fly everywhere and beer bottles shatter. John seeks cover behind the bar. Rome exits and informs Sexy Accomplice that John is not dead. The propane tank underneath the lodge eats Rome's bullets and another explosion explodes within a exploding explosive explosion with explosivity. In perfect timing, John leaps out of the lodge window while the entire place shatters into pieces. This film has no respect for buildings and dwellings.
Against Kate's wishes, Rome and Sexy Accomplice stuff her in the trunk of Swervy Investigator's vehicle and drive away. John emerges from the water and watches them leave. A police boat appears and the officer instructs John to get out of the water with his hands above his head. While the officer attempts to place handcuffs on him, John spins around, cuffs the officer, and takes his gun. That's not altruistic.
In Rome's car, Sexy Accomplice asks Rome if she may keep a diamond. When Rome replies that they should be able to work something out, Sexy Accomplice mounts him as he drives. She returns to her seat and takes possession of the diamond loot for safe keeping. Officers try to contact Swervy Investigator over the radio, which worries Rome. He has a plan for getting rid of the car. He has many a plan.
Sexy Accomplice hails a semi with her sexiness, then shoots the driver. Rome takes control of the semi and drives down the road.
At night, John appears on the river, manning the police boat. In the semi, Kate notices John on the boat and attacks Rome with her uncuffed hand to distract him. John jumps off the boat and runs after the semi. John channels the leaping power of a spider monkey and lands on the semi's bed. He walks around the side, opens the passenger door, grabs Sexy Accomplice, and throws her in the opposite lane. She smashes through a bus windshield. Diamonds, bloody diamonds, shards of glass, and bloody shards of glass twinkle on the bus floor.
Rome tries to shoot John, but Kate pushes Rome's hand away. Rome watches John and drives the right side of the semi into a wooden shack. More sparks and wooden pieces fly around John as he ducks his head down and braces for the impact. John loses his grip as Rome drives into a open shed with an aluminum canopy. Next, Rome takes the semi into another shack full of explosive barrels. Explosions are great and all, yet I don't think I can make a lifelong commitment to them. Rome jumps out of the semi with Kate still handcuffed inside. Kate reaches for the steering wheel while John runs after the truck. Ten more explosions occur. For the last time, I see no future with explosions. I'm sorry.
In mid-stride, John gets tripped up by Rome. Kate screams as the truck breaks through a set of windows and dips into the water. This action-packed predicament sets off another explosion. Kate struggles underwater and John struggles with Rome above ground. Rome swings his pipe at John, failing to make contact. John flips Rome up and over himself, then is caught in a burning wood implosion. Rome walks up to John, punches him a few times, and connects with a sledgehammer shot to John's abdomen. Insert Triple H joke somewhere here. Rome picks up a chainsaw conveniently placed next to him and marches towards John. John holds up a wrench to block Rome's chainsaw swing. John throws the wrench away and the chainsaw goes with it. He punches Rome some more until he falls into the fire, surrounded by flammable barrels. John knows what is about to happen and exits the place. He dives into the water to cue the first explosion ever to be seen in the film.
John swims to the submerged truck and finds Kate floating unconscious. While Kate is handcuffed to a steel bar, John utilizes superhuman strength to rip it loose. He carries her out of the water and performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. For some reason, an explosion goes off as he performs this task. Why, motion picture, why?
Eventually, John revives his wife. Kate chokes up water, then John hugs her. An explosion perhaps? No? Damn you, motion picture. Suddenly, a charred and bloody Rome tries to strangle John with a steel chain. John fights back and strangles Rome in mid-air with the chain. John immediately returns to his beloved and makes a funny.
John: We should have gone to the beach.
Kate laughs. I'm telling you, Kate. You should have exploded right there. Amidst the fiery wreckage, John and Kate embrace some more. The end? The end. The credits? Explosion? No, just credits.
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