No, this is not Rivera. Don't worry, he's all fine and dandy, and I assure you that he'll be back here next week, just as soon as I let him out of my trunk.
Now, you are more than likely wondering who I am and what business do I have hi-jacking a satirical pro-wrestling oriented blog for my own self-serving needs. Well, loyal Swerved reader, there is a mighty wind a-blowing, and when it hits, it's going to be like the hybrid offspring of a super tornado and a Mega-hurricane merging in the middle of a tsunami; a tsunami that just so happens to be made out of lava.
I cannot, nay, will not go into major details, but something spectacular, awesome, and downright amazing is on the verge of occurring. Let's just say that in the next couple of months, there will be a grand celebration throughout the land, for the return draws nigh. Seriously, I can't even drop a hint, because the ensuing chaos may just start a fight of some sort, perhaps one that occurs, I don't know, backstage.
Now, Rivera is an outstanding young gentleman and a great writer, but he has one fatal flaw: he's not American. That's why, here, on the celebration of America's birthday, I have decided to make myself an ambassador. Not an ambassador of the U.S., though. Come, on everybody knows that America is the greatest country on Earth and all other countries are ridiculous jokes of civilizations, especially Mozambique; ESPECIALLY Mozambique.
Rather, I am here to extend the olive branch to the kingdom of the Internet Wrestling Community. Sure, wrestling is neat and all, but let's face it; it's best days are behind it. There were days when I too couldn't wait to get out of Mrs. Sorghum's 8th grade Pre-Algebra II class so I could go home, drink like fifteen Dr. Peppers, and watch ECW on TNN with widened eyes that could only come about via the aspiring vision of watching New Jack slap around Mike Awesome with a vacuum cleaner. Sadly, those days are deader than George Washington and his lesser-known cousin Kyle.
Wrestling today is a sad, flabby imitation of its former self. Remember back in the day when you had The Rock, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, and Moppy? Those were guys that had a.) talent, and b.) entertainment value (In fact, in Moppy's case, you might as well add c.) household cleaning prowess.) Wrestling was good, funny, and there were options, unlike today, in which it's pretty much all WWE, all the time, with its hideously deformed aborted twin brother TNA periodically stretching its mutated hand out of the Spike TV wicker basket ala that monster-thing in the 1980s classic Basketcase.
Long story short, wrestling used to be really hot back in high school, but ever since graduation, she's been packing on the pounds and letting rappers put spinning stuff all over her. Yeah, you've always liked her, but she's not the same girl you fell in love with all those years ago. You're in college now, and it's time to expand your horizons and move on to other options. And no, that doesn't mean ROH. Come on, not even the people in ROH care about ROH anymore.
Today, I am your guidance counselor. Sure, you've always dug wrestling, but there's no future in it. Sometimes, you've got to strike when the iron is hot, and in wrestling's case, it's a freaking Popsicle. You may not like what I am going to say. You may send Rivera threatening e-mails with tag lines like "OMG, This is SPOZED TO B A WRESTLING SITE OMG RANDOM NUMBERS AND LETTERS CHUCK NORRIS JOKE." You may crawl up into the fetal position and cry like a 14-year-old emo kid that just finished up listening to The Black Parade after his step-dad told him to cut his hair and stop acting like a woman. However, I believe in but one thing, and that one thing is truth. Wrestling, for all intents and purposes, is a lost cause. It's already picked a burial plot, dug a ditch, and put on its grave jumping shoes. It's time to move on, and find a new circle to hang with.
And that circle's name is the world of Mixed Martial Arts.
Now, I'm assuming you know a little about the world of MMA. Right now, MMA is more popular than Jesus' Myspace page, and I hear that's pretty popular. If you want to watch MMA at this point, just flip through a couple of channels. More than likely, MMA in some facet or another is on at this very moment. Go ahead, go try it. I can wait. I said go do it! I can wait just as long as you can. I'm serious, I'll turn this article around right now and head back home. Yeah, that's what I thought.
So did you see it? What did I tell you? UFC, Pride, IFL, BODOG, WCL, EXC ; it's a booming market, just ripe for the picking. Mixed Martial Arts is beginning to replace a lot of old guards in the world of media. It's pretty much bought boxing a one-way ticket to obscurity already (and don't give me that Mayweather-De La Hoya buy rate crap; having ONE million-plus buy show in intervals of five years doesn't mean Jack, diddly, and/or squat.) In fact, MMA is on the verge of not only becoming a financially respected sport, but a RESPECTFULLY respected sport to boot. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you'll be able to catch UFC results on that little ticker thing on the bottom of ESPN2. When your sport has become ticker-worthy, you know you've gone legit.
For those of you that are uninformed about the world of MMA, I'll present unto you the 5,000 years plus history of combat-entertainment in one paragraph: On the Sabbath, God said let there be light, and Royce Gracie's dad immediately leapt from the darkness and triangle choked a dinosaur to death. After going 53 rounds with Moses at the first Ultimate Fighter tournament, Helio Gracie suffered a heartbreaking decision loss and thus retreated to the jungles of Brazil to mask his shame. Later, Moses tested positive for an illegal controlled substance (bacon) and the decision was reversed, leading to a complete and utter overhaul of the inner workings of the MMA rules and regulations handbook. For a long time after that, not much happened. Then, in 1993 in Denver, the first official UFC event took place. All of the big names were there: Royce, Shamrock, some fat guy, another fat guy, and A French kick boxing guy. In the finals, Royce defeated French kick boxing guy, and in that instance, the world of fighting changed forever. The misconception that fighting was all about striking and being bigger than your opponent was officially given a closed casket procession, and inserted in its place was the notion that actually having talent may win you fights. And thus, modern day MMA was born.
And what a road we have traveled in the last 15 or so years. What was once labeled a blood sport and the equivalent of human cockfighting by failed Presidential candidate John McCain has now become a multi-million dollar venture and the darling of select market cable television. Let's face it, MMA is the future, and now is the most opportune time imaginable to hop on the metaphorical bandwagon. So what if you can't tell the difference between a rear naked choke and a forceful act of aggravated sodomy? That's why I'm here today. Below are the ten things every aspiring MMA fan should know. Once you get these down, you'll be a tenth degree black belt. A tenth degree black belt in being knowledgeable.
1.) MMA is a rigidly timed event. UFC utilizes five-minute rounds, three for normal bouts and five for championship matches. Pride uses a 10 minute first round and two five minute additional rounds. Each round is scored by a panel of judges based on several criteria, such as hits landed, mat control, and not jabbing your opponent in the eye with your car keys. In MMA, your biggest adversary is the clock. Currently, the clock has an official record of 21-1-6, with its only loss coming at the hands of Japanese sensation Sakamori Goka (ref stoppage due to cut, 2:31 into round one, K-2 Explosivo Super Card, June 15th, 2000.)
2.) There are several ways to "win" in MMA. Obviously, the two most common methods are via knockout or submission. If the fight goes the distance, the winner is decided via a panel of judges. The ref can stop the match at any moment, for any reason, without any oversight from anybody else. In other words, the ref could be a real prick if he wanted to.
3.) At many points, there will be mat-specific moments called "grounding". To the untrained eye, these moments may look like homoerotic groping. This is an integral part of the sport. The ground game is all about gaining leverage and dominance over your opponent in a cerebral chess game in which positioning and jockeying may led to an inevitable submission and or vital striking scenario. But yeah, it still looks pretty gay, though.
4.) MMA is often segregated into weight classes. There's often a heavyweight division, followed by a light heavy weight division, a middle weight division, a welterweight division, a lightweight division, and the rarely seen yet oft-spoken about Hardcore Cruiserweight Tag Team division (UFC abandoned this division back in 2001 because it was becoming too "Russo-era WCW like" (Dana White, July 12th, 2001).
5.) Contrary to popular belief, MMA is not a vicious, no holds barred sport. Many rules and regulations have been set in place to protect the fighters from serious injuries. This industry wide set of rules changes came into play in the mid 00s, and is universally accepted as being the moment that forever made MMA mainstream. Many traditionalist fans, however, detested the far more restrictive changes, as many hardcore fans protested the decisions and reminisced about the good old days back when the fighters had to do battle against alligators with tack hammers (see UFC 3: Severn vs. Chompy for a classic example of this now antiquated form of combat).
6.) No, you cannot win a UFC bout by escaping the cage. Not even if somebody opens the door for you.
7.) The primary method of submission comes from choke and joint holds. These are obtained by bending an adversary's arm, leg, knee, or elbow into the opposite direction, with hopes that the pain being inflicted upon said adversary will cause him to tap out. The dreaded Oklahoma nipple twister is still illegal, however.
8.) Some of the more legendary bouts in MMA history are Bonnar/Griffin from TUF Finals 1, the 90-minute Gracie/Sakaruba battle from Pride GP 2000, and Gracie/Severn from UFC 4. Helio Gracie looks like a turtle.
9.) Randy Couture isn't champion because he's sleeping with Dana White's daughter.
10.) If all else fails, just talk about how great Fedor is.
There you have it, pretty much all you need to know about the world of mixed martial arts. Now, you too can engage in verbal banter with fellow MMArks, and it's still a couple of years off until everybody gets jaded and apathetic about the whole process, so now would be a good time to hop into the pool. Now pardon me, I have to unroll Rivera out of a carpet real quick.
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