The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 42nd

Batista vs. Shawn Michaels in Women's Tank Top

I think my women's tank top is cute
I think my women's tank top is sexy
I think my women's tank top got the looks
That drives all the women in their women's tank tops wild

I think my women's tank tops got the moves
That really moves the women in their women's tank tops
I send chills
Up and down the spines of the women in their women's tank tops

I'm just wearing my girl shirt (girl shirt)
I make this girl shirt work (girl shirt work)
I'm just wearing my girl shirt (girl shirt)
I make this girl shirt work (girl shirt work)

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Have wrestling-related or general questions for The Swerved? Add them to the comments and I'll answer them in a future post.

AND

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin sized bed.

Randy Orton's Legend Hit List (Part 1)

When I'm not doing hard drugs (evaporated milk straight from the can), I like to think back on my life so far. In my humble opinion, I've had an exhilarating three years of living. While other three year olds are busy messing their pants and projectile vomiting at one another, this three-year-old continues to make wrestling fans around the world laugh and think. One day, I strive to become a worldwide celebrity so everyone will be forced to care about what I have to say. Now, you may wonder why I'm calling myself three years old when I'm obviously old enough to cut to my own steak, but you should be aware that I am a professional wrestling analyst going on three years running. If you actually believe that a three-year-old can be as hilarious as yours falsely, you have another thing coming. After that thing comes, you have yet another thing coming. In conclusion, you have countless things coming in your general direction. Be prepared, beware, and be aware.

This week on The Swerved, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on Randy Orton. Today, the former WWE Champion is an established RAW superstar who can't stop losing to Triple and all of his Hs. Then again, back in October 2005, Randall was going ballistic in an entertaining way on World Wrestling Federation and Entertainment legends. When he spit on Harley Race, I said, "Yeah, take that, Harley Race. How dare you not enjoy the feeling of saliva on your face." When Randy took out Sergeant Slaughter, I said, "Yeah, take that, Sergeant Slaughter. Kicking your ass is half the battle." When Orton took out Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, I said, "Yeah, take that, Mark Cuban. I knew a guy named Mark once. He made me watch Soccer Dog: The Movie. He sucked." For years, Randy Orton killed legends. Well, he killed legends in a figurative sense. The legends got up afterwards without significant injury or bruising. They probably waved to the fans too, which made me kind of sad because I thought killing legends meant actually committing homicide on middle-aged men with bum knees. Nevertheless, Randy temporarily harmed some old guys. He temporarily harmed some old guys like what.

Before I go off on a slight tangent, let us bare witness to Randy Orton's Legend Hit List for the second time. Are you on it? Are you friends on it? Is your grandmother on it? No, of course not. None of you would ever be on Randy Orton's Legend Hit List. What are you thinking? For one, you're not important. For two, what did your grandmother ever do? Knit? Bake cookies? Knit cookies? Big dealio.


*****

WWE's Randy Orton has accumulated quite an impressive number of accomplishments. He was one of the longest reigning Intercontinental title holders of the modern day. He was the youngest World Heavyweight Champion in WWE history. Most of all, he has dominated professional wrestling as we know it, RKOing such individuals as "The Hardcore Legend" Mick Foley, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, and "WWE Diva" Stacy Keibler. Hated by few, loved by most, and talked about by all, Randy Orton has done things that someone twice his age could only dream about. A normal man would have already hung up his wrestling boots after such an illustrious career, but Randy is no such man.

(Whether you believe me or not, Stacy Kiebler is a WWE legend. She may have done nothing in World Wrestling Entertainment except show her ass a bunch of times to the delight of Jerry Lawler, but that's pretty legendary if you ask me. Plus, she was in Pita Thins commercials with George Hamilton, a man whose skin is made out of a combination of leather and beef jerky. Stacy Kiebler is a legend period. You can put it on the board, Torrie Wilson.)

So, what is next for Randy Orton? Once he finishes off the Undertaker, I know for a fact that he is not done "legend killing".

I have recently obtained an exclusive that every website and publication in North America has been clamouring for. For the few of you who do not understand what I am referring to, I will explain.

With the help of various unnamed sources, I have in my possession Randy Orton's Official Legend Hit List. I cannot tell you how or when I received it, but I have it with me in perfect condition. The list is a laminated 8 1/2 x 11 piece of white paper encased in a thin silver briefcase. Although I cannot present the actual document physically, I will run down the list with intricate detail.


1. Hulk Hogan
The immortal Hulk Hogan is quite possibly the biggest icon in the history of professional wrestling. As a multiple-time world champion, an illustrious action film star, and a reality television darling, he has dished out big boots and leg drops to the biggest names in entertainment.

That is, except The Legend Killer. What Hogan doesn't realize is that Randy Orton is coming after him.

As Hogan is about to wave goodbye to the wrestling business at the age of 157, Randy Orton will show up and RKO the Hulkster at his small retirement party of 10,000 people and 20,000 pets. This event should confuse the attendees and create quite the commotion. Most of that commotion will be due to Brooke Hogan as people will point in her direction and murmur, "She looks a little old for her age," but the rest will be concerned for Hulk Hogan's safety.

(Poor Hulk Hogan. As of this writing, American Gladiators is struggling in the ratings. His marriage with Hollywood Linda Hogan is finished because Hulk got frisky with a friend of Brooke who looks a lot like Brooke with sunglasses. Speaking of Brooke, his daughter's music career is the opposite of successful. Worst of all, his son Nick is behind bars for doing very bad things with a motor vehicle. I would feel bad for Hulk Hogan, but I can't. American Gladiators needs more Altasphere. Linda Hogan has too many pets and doesn't know how to clean her own house. As red-blooded males, we're supposed to think Brooke Hogan is attractive even though she is bland. Finally, Nick Hogan needs to be taught a lesson for being such an arrogant butt. Sorry, brother. At least you have the friendship of Brian Knobbs. I'm jealous.)

Will he be able to retire peacefully after this dastardly act? The outcome is not certain. Although, if Hogan ignores this warning and does not act soon, he'll surely end up with a cramped condominium at the edge of RKO Boulevard on Bloody Canvas Road with a terrible view of the ocean. How will he be able to live in a place with only one bathroom and cold running water? If he wants to have hot chocolate for brunch, he's going to have to heat it on the stove. Plus, the skylight is right above the shower and who knows whom or what is going to spy on him and acrylic paint his naked likeness for the rest of the world to see? To add insult to injury, there isn't even a Denny's in the area. There will be no Grand Slam breakfast for Hulkamania.

Alas, that's what happens when you deal with "The Legend Killer".


2. The Smackdown Fist
The Smackdown Fist has stood high and mighty over adoring WWE crowds for several years. Like an iron ruler of professional wrestling, The Fist has witnessed everything there is to witness on UPN. The Fist has seen champions come and go and legends created before its very eyes.

(The Smackdown Fist doesn't have eyes because it's a fist. Although, The Smackdown Fist is a giant fist. I don't know what giant fists are like for I don't know them personally. If they have eyes, disregard this statement.)

Soon enough, it will see another in Randy Orton.

During a Tuesday television taping, The Legend Killer will appear unannounced in a fire truck. With the help of select firefighters held at gunpoint, he will park the vehicle at the Smackdown entrance and scale a massive ladder. Finally meeting The Fist at an appropriate level, he will RKO the hand of the metallic giant who has been stuck in the World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown set the entire time. As the creature falls to its doom, Orton will laugh at its expense. In the end, "Smackdown!" is left with no entranceway and is forced to change its name to "Smackdown?"

(I don't see the need to add an exclamation point to "Smackdown!" I know that WWE wishes to place added emphasis on a phrase which describes the act of smacking objects and individuals in a downwards motion, but I already believe that smacking things downwards is cool beans. Take it easy, World Wrestling Entertainment. I see what you're getting at. You don't need to tell me twice or thrice. You sound pretty insecure when you say, "Smackdown!” You sound like Triple H. Yes, I got you for the first time ever, Hunter.)


3. Steve Austin
The toughest S.O.B. in W.W.E. may be the most popular wrestler of the past decade, but he has never met his ultimate match... until now. He may have been on Nash Bridges, but a certain someone does not like Don Johnson one bit. Also, he thinks Cheech Marin is only okay.

(As actors, Don Johnson and Cheech Marin's acting careers bring together my two most hated groups: detectives who wear pastel clothing and people who smoke the marijuana cigarettes for recreational purposes only. If you made someone who smokes the marijuana cigarettes for recreational purposes only into a detective and put him or her in pastel clothing, I would probably throw my armoured truck at that person. That person is not going after my thin silver briefcase, but I didn't learn to throw armoured trucks for nothing.)

During a quiet brunch at his home, Stone Cold will head to his fridge for a libation to quench his thirst. He will drink a can of Miller Lite beer, but unbeknownst to him, the beer will not be beer at all.

Days prior to the refrigerator visit, Randy Orton would have broken into Steve Austin's home and replaced his beer with non-lite poison. After a few moments, Steve will notice this predicament, then will panic as plates and utensils fly everywhere. At the sink, Steve will grab a bunch of cups from a nearby cabinet and fill them up with water. He will douse himself with glass after glass, though will not realize until later that he just drank and poured tap poison all over himself.

(Shame on you, Steve Austin. Brita-filtered poison is way more refreshing than tap poison. According to a report I saw on NBC Dateline, tap poison contains traces of gross bacteria and raw sewage. That's sick. Also, NBC Dateline caught tap poison trying to do it with an underaged girl. You see, tap poison set up a meeting with the underaged girl over an online chat, but the girl totally wasn't thirteen. When tap poison arrived at the girl's house, the girl said that she would be back after she put away her laundry, even though thirteen-year-old girls never do the laundry. At the end of the segment, tap poison took off his pants and waited for her, but then Chris Hansen appeared. Shame on you again, Steve Austin.)

Steve will yank a cell phone from his pocket in desperation, but will drop it on the floor in shock. He will see that every button on the phone is covered in poison.

Next, he will stumble out of his front door into his Stone Cold Truck to drive himself to the hospital, but as he goes to start the car, the keys are made of poison. Randy Orton will show up out of nowhere and RKO yet another legend. This time, the RKO will be made out of... beer. Orton 3:16 says the irony will kill Stone Cold Steve Austin on the spot.

(Randy Orton is no fool. He doesn't even drink poison; he prefers Sierra Mist. Shame on you for a third time, Steve Austin. You and your poison. How do you like being not alive? You're going to be not alive for a while.)


4. Cowboy Bob Orton's Cast
The cast of Bob Orton, Jr. is by far the most infamous bandage-related accoutrement ever to be associated with wrestling.

(Wait a second, self from three years ago. Hold the phone by the receiver, hold the phone cord if the phone is not cordless, hold the phone base, and hold the rotary dial if you are a middle-class Englishman from the late 19th to early 20th century. Cowboy Bob Orton's Cast is not the most infamous bandage-related accoutrement in professional wrestling. How about Diamond Dallas Page's rib tape that protected his stomach for some reason? What about Andy Kaufman's neck brace? What about the Yeti from WCW? Sadly, I never witnessed the Yeti wrestle. I am ashamed.)

With that said, Randy Orton knows this fact and wishes to put an end to this legend post haste. While he does have sympathy for his father, he shows no remorse for plaster casts of any size, age, background, or ethnicity.

Randy will encase himself in a cast, leaving only small openings for his mouth and nose so he does not suffocate. As he “outcasts” his father's cast, he will hurl himself towards the used cast placed on the Orton family mantle and shatter it into shards. An RKO for good measure will turn the shards into fine sand. Randy will use this material to build a sandbox. Then, he will proceed to urinate in the box before inviting the neighbourhood kids for a play date. Little Esmerelda won't know what's coming.

(Don't do it, little Esmerelda. Don't give Randy Orton the satisfaction. Don't go into the pee box. You have so much promise. You can go places in life. Don't go in the pee box. You have a family that loves you and cares for you. You can live off of your shares in Google, little Esmerelda. You just bought your white sundress. Your white sundress was on sale, remember? You were content with that purchase. Don't go in the pee box.)


5. Todd Grisham
Todd Grisham is legendary to WWE fans all over the world. They know his name, they have his merchandise, and they hold up "Toddy 2 Naughty" signs at every WWE event. On the other hand, Randy Orton is sick and tired of Grisham's fame and does not want his career to flourish.

(If you have been following The Swerved lately, you witnessed Todd Grisham become a pope. You saw it at here first in my imaginary breaking news centre when black smoke billowed to the sky from the chimneys of WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut. To me, Pope Todd Grisham is the lighthouse in the midst of the dark seas. I don't need a therapist. I don't need a friend. I just need Pope Todd Grisham's advice. Let Pope Todd Grisham enrich your existence and you can be happy too.)

During Sunday Night Heat, “The Legend Killer” will show up out of nowhere and attack Todd Grisham. Randy will strike Todd in the glasses with a returning Ivory, who will say something borderline annoying and uncomfortably flirty as she is thrown like a dart toward Todd's face. After an RKO on the Heat announce table, he'll whisper, "This has been quite the WWE Experience," and pose for the crowd. Next, he will roll Todd Grisham on a silver platter and place a stainless steel cover over his body. He will do this act just so he can quip "He Got Served" at passersby.

(I miss Pope Todd Grisham and Ivory on the WWE Experience. When I say that I miss Pope Todd Grisham and Ivory on the WWE Experience, I actually mean that I don't want to see Pope Todd Grisham and Ivory on the WWE Experience in the near to distant future. I'm not one to observe Pope Todd Grisham and Ivory yakking it up in Central Park next to a bunch of ducks in a pond. Yet, I wouldn't mind seeing Pope Todd Grisham on "Jeopardy!" I bet his category of choice would be "Popepourri," if you know what I'm saying. Punning, punning as fast we can. I really hope you make it. Do you think we'll make it? We're punning, keep holding my hand. It's so we don't get separated.)

Years later, Orton will be tried for capital punishment in a court of law, but will be found innocent and hilarious. Randy will run out of the courthouse and click his heels in celebration. He will stay in mid-air for a few seconds to the astonishment of those around him.

(Oh, Randy. What a lovable scamp. After a long day of RKOing legendary dudes and ladies, he probably loves to go on zany adventures and find new friends in his oversized hat and sweater. He's the Fievel Mousekewitz of WWE, no doubt.)

To celebrate, Randy will cross the road and RKO a turkey on his way to the other side. Why? Randy is no chicken.

Words To Leave You With
That's all for now. Keep it here for the second and final installment of Randy Orton's Legend Hit List.

NEXT TIME
Randy Orton is gunning for the opposite sex? Also, what former-wrestler-turned-Hollywood-megastar will he "kill"? Finally, do you like question marks? Well, do you? Aren't they great? Does it look like I have a surplus of these or what? I don't have a warehouse full of question marks or anything, but what do you think? Does it make me seem more or less like The Riddler when I do this? That's basically what I'm going for.

This WWEek in SmackdoWWEn Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Randy Orton can walk on water, and after he walks on that water, the water turns into diamonds?

A: Okay, now you're just talking crazy.

(Stay where you stand, self. That's not crazy talk. How do you/I know that it isn't crazy talk? Pope Todd Grisham declares that the statement is true. Up, up, and away in your Popecopter, Pope Todd Grisham. The planet requires your assistance.)

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 41st

Kane and CM Punk vs. Wham!

The Mizard
The Mizard
The Mizard

I put the Nitro into your car
But I put too much so your car won't start
Nitro into your brain
Which will kill your braincells but you like it just the same
But something ain't right
You felt weird last night
Your Hollywood friends told you Nitro has electrolytes
Left you flippin' in this very ring
You were flying, but you should have been pro wrestling

Tag me up before you pin him
Don't leave me in the corner before you win this
Tag me up before you pin him
They don't wanna lose it to a guy with a fauxhawk
Tag me up before you pin him
My wavy hair smells a little like burnt cinnamon
Tag me up before you pin him
Let's be winning tonight
I wanna touch the sky (in a non-platonic way)

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Have wrestling-related or general questions for The Swerved? Add them to the comments and I'll answer them in a future post.

AND

I told you I can't build you a candy house. It will fall down. The sun will melt the candy. It won't work.

The Swerved Recordings: Vickie Guerrero

This summer, as you sweat off the many pounds of blubber from your ghost-white frame, you'll need some music to help you have a modicum of fun in the proverbial, vitamin D-rich sun. While normal people prefer to play Top 40 music on their iPod in surroundings that play Top 40 music, we all know from experience that you're not normal. For instance, you watch professional wrestling in your Mark Henry-sized pyjamas. Yes, I myself watch professional wrestling, but I analyze it for your enjoyment; on the flipside, you have no excuse. To please your eclectic tastes, The Swerved Recordings is about to release a unique offering from one of WWE's most popular divas. Some of you have been asking this woman to put out an album for a long time. On the other hand, the rest of you have tried to prevent her from speaking. To the latter group, double shame on you. How dare you once. How dare you for a second time.

If you are anything like me, you like your ears. Since your ears have never scarred you emotionally or physically, you desire to reward your ears for their sympathetic treatment. Obviously, you want to give your ears some aural goodness, but you don't know what that goodness should be as you have never bought a gift for your ears at this peculiar time of year. This week, The Swerved has something for you and your lobes. For those of you who want to treat your ears to a musical delight, trek to your nearest online or offline music store and pick up Vickie Guerrero's " The Sound of Vickie."



The Swerved Recordings'
Vickie Guerrero - “The Sound of Vickie”

Wheelchair music hasn't been heard like this before. In fact, wheelchair music hasn't even been invented yet, yet that won't stop Vickie from showing and blowing up the scene. She is an musical innovator wrapped in a musical marvel wrapped in another musical innovator wrapped in another musical marvel. Yes, you read that right--Vickie Guerrero is two sets of two musical people at once. She doesn't apologize for nothing.

Vickie Guerrero delves into the musical world with her debut release. For years, Vickie Guerrero's beautiful tone has been compared to the greatest vocalists of our past and present generations, such as Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, and Ashlee Simpson. If you enjoy music, take caution with her first album for her talent may be too overwhelming for you to observe. One fine day, heaven lost an angel in Vickie Guerrero. When she touched down to Earth, she began a quest to touch our lives. I thank the skies above for letting us experience her fantasticality. Let the sound of a heavenly harp getting it on with a grand piano grope your heart and many other places of your person.

Whenever I hear her voice Friday Night Smackdown, I get confused. Is that Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero, or Julie Andrews? In comparison, Vickie Guerrero is equivalent to ten Julie Andrews--five Mary Poppins and five Fraulein Marias. Why buy an album by a proven artist or band when you can play Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie" over and over again for the remainder of your life? Don't waste your money on ridiculous background noises when you can listen to Vickie Guerrero all damn day. In a sentence, her voice is a pocketful of love on a hateful day. When the hearing-impaired come across her music, they suddenly gain their hearing back for a brief period of time. In some public buildings, her amazing voice replaces the fire alarm during accidental blazes. Actually, when fire comes into contact with Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie," the fire extinguishes itself in order to hear the album without interruption, but it's all good in the hood, understood?

Without fail, Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie" will blow your mind. If you are a coal miner, it will blow your mine too. I hope you have fifteen minds and fifteen mines because Vickie Guerrero will destroy each and every one with the assistance of fifteen life-changing, inspiring tracks. Check these out for they will haunt your dreams in the best way possible.


Track Listing:
1. We'll Assistant General Manage
2. (The Hills Are Alive With) The Sound of Vickie
3. This Song Sounds Familia
4. My Wheelchair (Is A Chair on Wheels) ft. Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder
5. Undertake Yourself Before You Underbreak Yourself
6. On Edge
7. Roll Down Ev'ry Rampway
8. Do-Re-Me Want You
9. A Spoonful of Us
10. Make Love, Not Warrior
11. SupercalifragilisticexpialiVickie
12. Theodore's Long Goodbye
13. Smackups
14. Smackdowns
15. We'll General Manage

A minute ago, all the critics were talking about Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie." In fact, I heard a few critics conversing in a restaurant, but I was eating tacos at the time so I couldn't hear their comments during across-the-border bites of hard-shelled deliciousness. Critics talk about a lot of things these days, but for a moment, they were talking about Vickie. If you were in the same restaurant with me, let me know if I missed anything. One day, I hope the critics will talk about her again. Until then, take a gander at the overwhelmingly positive feedback for Vickie's album.

"An uplifting journey of everlasting pain." - The WWE Audience

"The ultimate opportunistic album... to the skull." - Michael Cole

"Vickie Guerrero's 'My Wheelchair (Is A Chair on Wheels)' is the theme to the next WWE Pay-Per-View. Therefore, it is great, JR." - Jerry Lawler

"I have never met her in my life." - Chavo Guerrero

"I was once with Lita. Did you know that?" - Edge

"What is 'music'?" - Vince McMahon

"Aw yeah. That's my jam, girlfriend. Mmm hmm." - Undertaker

*uncontrollable weeping* - Lilian Garcia

You see? Do you see? If you don't see, take a trip to Lenscrafters, get yourself a pair of spiffy bifocals, then come back here and tell me if you see what I am seeing. I am seeing promise. I am seeing stars. I am seeing dollar signs. I am seeing the next big hit. If you don't get yourself a copy of Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie,” I will personally come to your youngest child's intramural indoor soccer game and kick a colourful soccer ball straight into his or her Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. If you can't inform your children about quality music, your children don't deserve to reap the benefits of teamwork from an extracurricular activity. If you don't have any children, I will personally come to one of your grandparents' intramural indoor soccer game and do the same. Amount of fooling I am dishing out right now equals nada.

In conclusion, buy "The Sound of Vickie with a smile on your face. You better mean it too or so help me I will fix a bunch of wagons. Are you fully aware of the number of colourful soccer balls that I have? I have a lot. I am willing to part with a large percentage of my balls to get my point across.

The Swerved Recordings'
Vickie Guerrero - "The Sound of Vickie"
In Stores When They Allow It

Postcards from Adamle: Cherry Blossom Guy

This week, Mike Adamle travels to the Land of the Rising Sun by accident.

Mike writes: "Everybody speaks weird Chinese here. I like the lights and buildings and bright things. Where is the Godzilla? I want his autobiographs."

*****

NEXT WEEK

Have wrestling-related or general questions for The Swerved? Add them to the comments and I'll answer them in a future post.

AND

Don't act like I'm a steamboat operator, Dad.

The Booker

In the past, I have presented several revolutionary ideas for the betterment of the professional wrestling industry. While I am aware that I am nothing but an enormously gifted and respected analyst on the internet, my proposals have been ignored and or shot down by the higher-ups of World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. The lack of feedback has not crushed my spirits, but I am beginning to wonder what I must do to get WWE and TNA to heed my advice. Yes, I have never run my own independent, national, or international wrestling organization. And, yes, my net worth is a measly ten quindecillion dollars. Despite my shortcomings, I am a visionary. Not only am I able to think outside of the box and bun, I can predict upcoming events and trends in the wrestling world as well. For example, the day before Survivo(u)r Series 1997, I played out the Montreal Screwjob with my Milton Bradley Karate Fighters (Bret Hart spin kicked Vince McMahon's head off in my scenario, but that was the nature of the toy). Hours before WCW Bash at the Beach 1996, I slipped on my Hulkamania t-shirt which fell on the ground and leg dropped my Randy Savage Wrestling Buddy. If Vince McMahon and the zany 99.7 TNA FM morning crew that is Dixie Carter and her ragtag group of wrestling minds are not convinced of my abilities, I will have to show them. In my opinion, the current wrestling programming available today is okay. Since WWE and TNA know that I love to take naps, their respective bookers have provided matches and segments boring enough to give me those restful Zs. Though I thank them for their contributions to the maintenance of my sleep regimen, I wish to give a booking hand to them. For their benefit and yours, I am going to show the world why I am the best wrestling booker ever.

Starting this week and continuing monthly throughout the year, I will be utilizing the tools that wrestling bookers around the globe employ to book their live shows and weekly television programs. Before I reveal my booking methods of mayhem, let me warn The Swerved's loyal fan base of famous female underwear and swimsuit models that these tools are for professional wrestling experts only. These specific instruments are expensive and dangerous and should not be used without years of extensive training. If you feel the urge to emulate my methods, The Swerved is not responsible for any minor or major injuries you may cause to yourself or others, any damage caused to the structural foundation of important city buildings and historical landmarks, or any accidental pregnancies. With those warnings out of the way, I will let you in on the secret: to book my company, I will be using my head, my heart, and Extreme Warfare Revenge.

What is Extreme Warfare Revenge, your ignorant mouth asks from your feeble noggin? In 2002, some British programming guy named Adam Ryland created Extreme Warfare Revenge, a wrestling management text simulator which allows the player to run a wrestling promotion of his or her choice. How does the player run a wrestling promotion? The player most likely runs the wrestling promotion into the ground by giving the entire roster an “Evil Pimp Gimmick,” but I digress. On second thought, giving the entire roster an Evil Pimp Gimmick is genius. The average wrestling fan can relate to an evil pimp because an evil pimp’s lifestyle mirrors that of a young male teenager from suburbia. In the end, aren't we all evil pimps, pimp slapping our way to personal and professional success? If you're not pimp slapping your way to personal and professional success, you are failing. Let me put that statement out there post-haste.

For the sake of timeliness, I will be using the most recent rosters for this magical endeavour. Without further ado, it's time to curl up with a good book... ing.

Rules and Changes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment will be renamed Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. In the next few days, I will begin a rebranding campaign with the tagline, "Out of this world." Mere seconds after I start this campaign, I will be given the world in exchange for my creativity.
- All Pay-Pay-Views will be renamed after song lyrics by Chingy, my absolute favourite philosopher on money, the accumulation of money, women, and the accumulation of women. Furthermore, Chingy is a world-renowned expert on the mispronounciation and misspelling of English words and phrases. He is super good.
- All wrestlers, managers, valets, announcers and personalities are up for grabs. Wrestlers will become managers, managers will become wrestlers, valets will become announcers, announcers will become valets. Conversely, personalities will stay personalities. Why? They have personality; it says so in their description. I may be a visionary, but I'm not crazy.
- All championship titles will be vacated. In 2000, this move worked for Vince Russo in World Championship Wrestling. Therefore, how could this move go wrong for me? It doesn't--that's your answer.
- I will create new feuds, tag teams, and stables. Specifically, I will conjure up an innovate feud in which two wrestlers do not like each other. Hence, I will win at life.
- The brands will be concrete. Unlike the real WWE, wrestlers will stick to wrestling on their brand’s show.


Swerved Wrestling Entertainment
In-Game Start Date: June 2008

Linda McMahon wishes The Swerved the best of luck with my new job. I have your "full support"? Are you talking about your bra? Are you hitting on me, Linda? I'm not attracted to middle-aged women who used to sit in wheelchairs without emotion while Vince McMahon made out with Trish Stratus. Sorry.

Schedules
Television Schedule:
I am tired of high-definition suckage. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will dish out the goods and the services, if you want. I might be keeping the show names, but RAW, ECW, and Smackdown will go through drastic alterations. I'm talking about the Pope Todd Grisham getting mad paid here. His Popemobile will be rolling on dubs and what not. The Cristal will be popping and such.

Monday: RAW
Announcers: Jim Ross and JBL: The Cowboy Hat Brigade

Tuesday: ECW on Sci-Fi
Announcers: Pope Todd Grisham and Armando (Alejandro) Estrada

Friday: Friday Night Smackdown
Announcers: Mike Adamle and Jonathan Coachman: The Dream Team

Pay-Per-View Schedule:
Say farewell to the grandeur and pageantry of WrestleMania. Say salutations to the mystic wonder that is Sample Dat Ass. Thank you muchly, Chingy. You have provided Swerved Wrestling Entertainment with the best Pay-Per-View names professional wrestling has never offered.

JANUARY
Girl, Can I Touch You Where It's Sunny?

FEBRUARY
Do I Care Ho?

MARCH
She Was Wit Her Mom In Bank America

APRIL
Sample Dat Ass

MAY
Got The Drink And Izzerb

JUNE
Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist?

JULY
Equipped With Much Ding-A-Ling

AUGUST
Mobster Eating Pasta

SEPTEMBER
Physiology Ain't Too Furr

OCTOBER
Softer Than A Cactus

NOVEMBER
Carrots All In The Dezzy

DECEMBER
Adjustin' To Fine Meat

Trades
For starters, I will limit myself to five trades. Only fools who are too cool for school make six trades. I am cool enough for school. Also, I have knowledge for college.

Singles Trades:
1) Shawn Michaels (to Smackdown) for Mark Henry (to RAW)
In my opinion, Friday Night Smackdown lacks star power. Conversely, RAW lacks wrestlers who look like Predator. Since I run the show now, Shawn Michaels for Mark Henry is a beneficial trade that will balance the WWE landscape.

2) CM Punk (to RAW) for Jeff Hardy (to ECW)
According to CM Punk, he is addicted to competition. According to myself, the ECW has zero competition, unless you count Nunzio who makes up 95% of the competition. A change of scenery for Punk to Monday RAW will give him the adequate competition he requires to stave off the alcoholic beverages, the marijuana cigarettes, and the promiscuous sexing with the ladies. At this point in his career, Jeff Hardy has two strikes out of three in an industry that does not pitch balls. Though I still have faith that Jeffrey will make it out of his terrible predicament as a better individual, I am hesitant to trust him. So, Jeff Hardy will Twist of Fate towards Tuesdays. Actually, he will simply appear on ECW on Sci-Fi, but Jim Ross will think that he is executing the Twist of Fate.

3) Umaga (to Smackdown) for Rey Mysterio (to RAW)
The Samoan Bulldozer has bulldozed most of the RAW roster many times over. Umaga's extended stint on RAW is similar to a houseguest who refuses to leave your home, even when you force him to sleep in the tub. On Fridays, the recovering Rey Mysterio has been on Smackdown since the 13th century. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment represents a new beginning in the industry. When Umaga goes to Friday and Mysterio goes to Monday, a new beginning will be as new as something very new, such as a really old person.

Tag Team Trades:
4) London and Kendrick (to Smackdown) for Deuce and Domino (to RAW)
Before my reign, the exciting high fliers that are Paul London and Brian Kendrick got the chance to showcase their skills in two-minute matches which usually ended with a roll-up. On the other hand, the throwback team of Deuce and Domino punched and kicked for eternity in the low-card basement of Friday nights. In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, I'm giving London and Kendrick the opportunity to showcase their skills in three-minute Smackdown matches which end with a small package. On the other hand, Deuce and Domino will punch and kick for eternity in the low-card basement of RAW, but they will shove too. Enjoy.

Diva Trades:
5) Maria (to Smackdown) for Natalya (to RAW)
I used to be fond of the bubbly Maria. Then, one day, she posed for Playboy Magazine and lost her standout persona forever. For those who don't know, Natalya is Nattie Neidhart, the goatee-less daughter of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Because the WWE brain trust likes to sniff paint on the weekends, Natalya is stuck wrestling for peanuts on Fridays. Meanwhile, Maria wrestles in every other Divas title match for she is the only competent female competitor available on RAW aside from Mickie James (Ashley Massaro is Ashley Massaro, after all). While most fans use Divas matches as bathroom breaks, I am interested in women's wrestling. If Natalya is a wrestler and Maria barely passes for a wrestler, you cannot stop me from switching this whole situation up because I'm going to switch this whole situation up something fierce.


Firings
Professional wrestlers have to feed and clothe their families. The Swerved cares for its employee's well-being, so I will be delivering five pink slips. These pink slips will be constucted out of cotton candy and can double as a raincoat. You're welcome in advance.

1) Snitsky (RAW)
You're still in World Wrestling Entertainment, Snitsky? Why? Do you live in World Wrestling Entertainment or something? How can you live in a publicly traded, international wrestling company? Does a publicly traded, international wrestling company have a guest room? Why are you here, Gene? Are you installing cable? Are you here to fix the washer-dryer? You go can now, Gene Snitsky. Wait, why are you here again? Are you hungry? No? Are you thirsty? Do you want a drink or a fun size bag of tortilla chips before you exit? Please leave.

2) Chuck Palumbo (Smackdown)
Dear Chuck; your gimmick consists of the fact that you enjoy riding bikes. I can safely say that you like riding bikes more than you like not riding bikes. In all, your gimmick is dynamic with infinite potential, but my company does not have room for you. Without Billy Gunn, you don't look so good to me. Your severance pay will be a tricycle. My budget did not allow me to get you a bicycle, nor a motorcycle for that matter. I bought you a wicker basket with flowers painted on the front instead. I know how you dig your posies.

3 & 4) Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder (Smackdown)
Hawkins and Ryder, otherwise known as the charismatic duo of La Familia, are too charismatic for Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. I'm sure that they will find their charismatic selves in an environment that takes full advantage of their ability to resemble brothers in major and charismatic manner. Sigh and three-fourths of a sigh.

5) Ashley Massaro (RAW)
Fly, Ashley Massaro, fly. You are free. Spread those legs wings and soar out of this place. As a tip, please do not injure yourself on your way out. Yesterday, I shovelled Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's sidewalk and driveway. You cannot sue me for Property Owner's Liability.

Whatever, Matt Hardy. First Lita, now Ashley. When Lita slept with Edge, you two were on a break anyway. I Don't Care Give A Rat’s Posterior Version 1.0.

Hirings
Five TNA talents of my choice will sign on the solid line. They would sign on the dotted line, but I don't believe in dotted lines. Dotted lines are just rebellious solid lines with low self-esteem.

1) AJ Styles (to ECW)
Currently, AJ Styles is stuck in the middle of TNA. Though he is the Prince of Phenomenal in the company, he will have to wait a bit to become the King of Phenomenal. With this acquisition, Prince AJ Styles will be immediately upgraded to the President of the Phenomenal States of Phenomena.

2) Disco Inferno (to ECW)
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment did not have Disco Fever... until now for the Disco Inferno will be the new General Manager of ECW. In the next few weeks, I hope the fans contract Disco Fever, Disco-itis, and the always important Disco Gonorrhea. In conclusion, Disco is not dead; it is simply waiting to be awoken from a light slumber.

3 & 4) LAX: Homicide and Hernandez (to RAW)
The Latin American Xchange lost the E in Xchange due to pressure from “The Man.” In order to take on “The Man,” Homicide and Hernandez will attempt to own Monday Nights with the help of random, interstitial protest footage. Move aside, Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez does not understand the actual Cryme Tyme on a standard, wall-mounted, analog clock. They're guessing it's 3:03 PM Coordinated Universal Time. Are they right, or do they have to mess some fellows up? Sadly, Salinas will not join LAX in SWE because my company does not have the space for her ample anterior protuberances. Maybe next time.

5) Samoa Joe (to ECW)
I got your champion, Total Nonstop Action. What you want, TNA? What you want? Without Samoa Joe, you are Partial Frequent Action. You will bring the action in between Chess matches in the park on a Sunday afternoon.

Yes, Paul London. It's true. I am hiring Samoa Joe. Why are you shocked? You are so shocked, you are not even moonsaulting in place. How come?

Demotions
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's official developmental territory will continue to be Florida Championship Wrestling. I have never been to Florida, but I assure these demoted wrestlers that they will have a ton of fun. You probably don't want the worldwide exposure and big Pay-Per-View bonuses that Swerved Wrestling Entertainment provides. I think you'd much rather have tuna sandwich dinners and constant battles with tornadoes and flooding.

1) Cody Rhodes (from RAW)
I cannot sum up Cody Rhodes' gimmick on a page, let alone a paragraph. Cody Rhodes' gimmick is fairly elaborate, involving a complicated system of pulleys, levers, and an automated robot army. To simplify the persona of Dusty Rhodes’ offspring, I'm sending young Cody to Florida so he may come back better and Cody-er than ever. Do not come back until you become a boring, do-gooder with an everyday DDT finisher. I’ll be waiting with open arms.

2) DH Smith (from RAW)
If you look back to a recent article of mine, you will discover that I have big plans for DH Smith. King Regal's reign on RAW requires a group of supporters to back up his onscreen tyranny. When the time is right, DH Smith will take on the role of the Duke of RAW. Until then, DH Smith must go to Florida Championship Wrestling to study up on famous Dukes. At a younger age, I thought former WWF superstar Duke "The Dumpster" Droese was a Duke, but it turned out that was simply a scruffy dude with a trash can. So far, I have met several scruffy dudes with trash cans. To me, Droese seems to be quite Dukeworthy.

3) Eve Torres (from Smackdown)
While I was glad that Eve Torres won the 2007 Diva Search, she has done nothing on Smackdown since her victory. I would claim that World Wrestling Entertainment are daft for not coming up with something for Eve to do, though I don't have a clue either. I'm positive that Eve is a wonderful lass; I just have no ideas for her at the time. She has an exotic look in a company with numerous exotic women. She looks the part yet is not capable of acting the part. In this conundrum, I'm sending her to Florida Championship Wrestling. Do what you will, FCW. In case of emergency, give her a top hat, a monocle, and a cane. She can be Mrs. Peanut, Mr. Peanut's promiscuous wife. I told you once and I’ll tell you again: I’m not crazy.

4) Layla El (from ECW)
Insert Superman joke here. I think Layla is foxy enough to do great things in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, but not at the moment. A few months in Florida Championship Wrestling should do wonders for her. Hopefully, Florida will turn her curly, frizzy hair permanently straight somehow. I will except no other outcome.

5) Lena Yada (from ECW)
Lena Yada will not be back on SWE television until she transforms into Lena Yoda, the Asian descendant of Yoda from the Star Wars "Sexlogy." That's. The. End. Of. The. Story. Or, in Lena Yoda's words, "End of the story, that is." Isn’t that right, Yode-dawg?


Promotions
1) Chris Harris (to ECW)
I believe that the former and blander half of America's Most Wanted did not get the attention that he deserved in TNA. Sure, "The Tennessee Cowboy" James Storm is allowed to stroll around the Impact Zone in his camouflage trench coat, but I despise camouflage trench coats. What is James Storm accomplishing by wearing a camouflage trench coat? Storm does not grasp the concept of camouflage. I can see him in that trench coat no matter where he goes. Is he supposed to blend in with the six-sided ring? If so, he fails. When Chris Harris was in TNA, he had a trench coat, except it was made of white latex. When it came down to it, white latex does not make a good gimmick. As Chris Harris shows up on Swerved Wrestling Entertainment programming, I'm giving him a second trench coat that will consist of living and breathing orphans to put over his white latex coat. With a coat of abandoned children, Harris will become ECW's most hated heel. Boo. Abandoned children are not articles of clothing.

2) Colt Cabana (to RAW)
Ring of Honor alumnus Colt Cabana was part of the Second City Saints stable with CM Punk and former WWE developmental talent Ace Steel, otherwise known as the guy who played Donald Trump in the infamous Trump versus Rosie match on a January 2007 edition of RAW. As a sidenote, Cabana worked for Wrestling Society X as the old school, masked wrestler named Matt Classic. Perhaps the most important fact about Cabana that you should know is that he used Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" as his Ring of Honor theme. With his promotion to the big leagues of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, I will reunite Cabana with CM Punk. Although Cabana and Punk will not be a full-time tag team, they will become allies. When Punk is down and out, Colt Cabana will cue up "Copacabana" over the loudspeakers. Together, they will dance the Dance of Manilow. I don't know what the Dance of Manilow entails. Truly, I'm too frightened to find out. The dance sounds scary. Scarily awesome.

3 & 4) The Cobras: Kenny Dykstra Doane and Jaden Johnny Jeter (to Smackdown)
Doane and Jeter, the former members of the Spirit Squad, will debut on Smackdown as the babyface version of the Cobra Kai from the hit movie The Karate Kid. In my view, Ken looks like Johnny Lawrence, the film's villain who sweeps the leg like nobody's business. In addition, Johnny once wore a head wrap that was similar to Daniel Larusso's Tenegui. Deep down, I have always wanted to base wrestlers on The Karate Kid because the film’s characters are all Miyagiriffic in their own right. Since Cherry cannot lead Deuce and Domino to the ring with that team’s move to RAW, she will reinvent herself as Johnny Jeter's love interest. At Halloween, Johnny will put on a shower costume, Ken will don a skeleton costume, and Cherry will turn into Elisabeth Shue circa the 1980s. At first, Doane and Jeter will feud, but will eventually team up when Johnny utilizes the crane technique to defeat Doane in the All Swerved Karate Tournament. Doane will congratulate Johnny by saying, "You're alright, Jeter! Let's form a tag team." Of course, Johnny will say yes. Behind the scenes, I will force Johnny to paint my fence.

5) Matt Sydal (ECW)
This call-up is dedicated to the fallen Wrestling Society X and its followers. In Wrestling Society X, Matt Sydal had an entertaining male model gimmick which captured the hearts and minds of male models like myself and the one wrestling fan out there who doesn't smell like rotten liver. With his Swerved Wrestling Entertainment debut, I call upon Matt Sydal to revive that Abercrombie & Fitchy character for the ignorant masses. Don't shop at The Gap anymore. I have no use for their family-friendly commercials. Lest we forget Wrestling Society X. I'm pouring an exploding bottle of explosive liquor for my Wrestling Society X peeps. May Wrestling Society X’s bling ladder bling bright for years to come.


Feuds
Mickie James is not willing to feud with Natalya. Well, too bad, girl. I liked you better you when you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Mickie. You have left me with zero female figures to admire, other than "The Woman King" Oprah Winfrey, with whom I will fight in the octagon one day for world supremacy. Big ups to nothing.

Major Feuds:
RAW
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Heavyweight Championship Feud:
Triple H vs. William Regal
Before I start this feud, I would like to apologize to Triple H for stripping him of his coveted WWE Championship. To my dismay, Triple H is only a 12-time world champion. The last thing that Triple H needs in his career is less belts. To make up for his loss, he gets to engage in a lengthy feud with King William Regal. The King of Kings versus The King of WWE is a logical rivalry that might not wow the average wrestling fan but should result in compelling episodes of RAW. Triple H will battle King Regal in and out of the ring for power, facing the King himself and his loyal and royal stable. While DH Smith is down in Florida Championship Wrestling, Princess Katie Lea and Prince Paul Burchill will serve up the kingly beatings for their ruler until the Duke makes his presence known. To bring believability to the feud, both Triple H and Regal will wear crowns the entire time. I'm looking forward to a summer of constant crown-wearing. You should too.

SMACKDOWN
World Heavyweight Championship Feud:
Undertaker vs. Umaga
If WWE is unwilling to pull the trigger on Umaga's move to Smackdown, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will be happy to do so. In today’s wrestling scene, Undertaker can't get enough of facing Edge. At Judgment Day, Undertaker will face Edge for the 475,686,458,348th time, not counting handicap matches or bouts decided by a count out. On the Smackdown brand, Umaga's will debut by beating up Undertaker's druids at the May Pay-Per-View. Man, I hate those druids so much. They think they're all that with their oversized cloaks and large torches, but you know what? They are so not all that. They are not even some of that. In high school, I was about to be a druid, but I decided that I didn't want to be totally lame sauce. You can't get girls with a fiery stick and dark attire that covers your face.

ECW
ECW World Championship Feud:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
Look what I got, TNA. I got your wrestlers, man. What you gon' do, Dixie? What you got, DJ Jazzy Jeff Jarrett? I ain't tripping. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles will be blazing up ECW like a mothertrucker. I'm talking off-the-wall mothertrucking where straight-up wrestling equals no countsies and drawing blood gets you triple-word scores. Word to your next of kin, your family friend, and your local pediatrician. Jigga what? Jigga whom? I'm still not crazy.

Minor Feuds:
RAW
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Women's Championship Feud:
Mickie James vs. Natalya
With this feud, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will take full advantage of the truth that Natalya does not look like Jim Neidhart in any way, shape, or form. If you want to compare her to The Anvil, she's the sexamified version of him, which is both an odd and arousing claim. By moving Natalya to RAW, I run the risk of converting her into a clone of Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon, but Natalya isn't a glamorous Amazon.com; she is a sexamified Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Are you paying attention at all? The Mickie-Natalya feud will contain no lingerie pillow fights, nor any battles with water guns; rather, these two females will go at it like two determined beyotches at a one-day sale on wedding dresses. To those of you who are offended by this comment, go to the one-day, wedding dress sale some time. You will understand my analogy forthwith.

RAW
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Intercontinental Championship Feud:
CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy
CM Punk is straight-edge. Ken Kennedy says his name twice with the assistance of dangling microphones. Could they be any more similar? CM Punk has done anything and everything in Extreme Championship Wrestling, including wrestling against Matt Striker, the best disgraced, former Social Studies teacher that ECW has to offer. At the same time, Mr. Kennedy is not up to much right now. Yes, he is having a spat with King Regal, but I don't expect that feud to last long. After he finishes losing to William, he will need direction. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will give him direction by pitting him in an Intercontinental Title feud with Punk. The winner obtains an Intercontinental Breakfast consisting of a plate of bacon and eggs which has been hand passed from every person on Earth. Delicious indeed.

RAW
World Tag Team Championship Feud:
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme
I prefer to look at Shad and JTG as the G-Rated variant of Homicide and Hernandez. My signing of the Latin American Xchange will give Cryme Tyme something to chant about. Homicide and Hernandez don't care about Euros. In fact, they have no idea what a Euro is. If Cryme Tyme wants to cash in on that number one contender shot that they won over a year ago and take the titles, they will have to defeat Hernandez's rainbow poncho first. Holy carp from a freshwater lake is that a colourful poncho. That poncho must produce Skittles.

SMACKDOWN
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment United States Championship Feud:
Shawn Michaels vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
The Heartbreak Kid is not a kid anymore, but he can still move with two bum knees. With Shawn in the twilight of his professional wrestling career, Montel Vontavious Porter is on his way to the top of the company. I can't tell you why Shawn Michaels has never wrestled on Smackdown, but I will use my superhuman booking powers to bring him to Friday nights. One reason I have chosen to make Michaels and MVP feud is to witness the visual of Montel "Ballin'" off the ropes, only to receive a Superkick in his most valuable playing grill. Once I see that event on television, I will be content with my existence until I get my own candy slash firearms slash adult erotica factory.

SMACKDOWN
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Championship Feud:
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang
Because Smackdown has a wealth of babyface tag teams, one of these teams will have to turn heel. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, London and Kendrick will be the ones who will turn evil. You see, Brian Kendrick is showing heel tendencies already. In the past few months, he has walked out on Paul London during matches and looks at him with a disappointed glare. In professional wrestling, the disappointed glare signifies an upcoming heel turn, next to a sourpuss facial expression, the desire to put down an area's sports franchises, and the need to eat dark chocolate. The instant you see a professional wrestler eating dark chocolate on television, tell someone you trust.

Kid Rock praises Swerved Wrestling Entertainment to the tune of a Sweet Home Alabama rip-off. This is great news for wrestling fans everywhere? I don't think so. Kid Rock, you are great news for wrestling fans everywhere. Sugary House Mississippi. Where the upper atmosphere is a light azure hue. Sugary House Mississippi. Almighty authority figure, I'm travelling to that house to you.

NEXT TIME

Swerved Wrestling Entertainment runs its first month of shows. Who will win the big one? Who will lose the small one? Who will be disqualified during the medium one? Keep reading The Swerved for upcoming installments of The Booker.

Postcards from Adamle: Late Spring / Early Summer Vacation

This week, Mike Adamle sends his love from Jamaica, the place which makes him crazy.

Mike writes: "I is having good time on Jamaica. It is hot and warm. There is water and people a lot. I want to meet Cool Runnings. Byes."

*****

NEXT WEEK

Booking for love in all the wrong places.

AND

Have wrestling-related or general questions for The Swerved? Add them to the comments and I'll answer them in a future post.

TNA Impact: The Video Game: The Preview

Like every Cheetos-fueled teenager, I partake in the odd video game now and again. I am a player of video games because my childhood dream is to shoot aliens in the face with overpowered machine guns from a first- or third-person perspective. Until that day comes, I highly anticipate this year’s release of the TNA Impact game for the XBOX 360 (360 is the number of times you can disappoint your parents by having computer-generated relations with computer-generated prostitutes), the PlayStation 3 (three is the number of steaks you can cook on the console at the same time), and the Nintendo Wii (I call my man factory my Wiiner). THQ’s Smackdown vs. RAW series stands king among next generation wrestling games, but Midway hopes to usurp the throne with Total Nonstop Action’s introduction into the video game fray.

Have you ever wanted to grab a large yet insignificant letter of the alphabet from cables suspended high above a hexagonal ring? Have you ever envisioned yourself as Rhino, war machining your girth into your opponents’ midsections? Have you ever seen Impact and said, “Hey, this show doesn’t confuse me at all. If only I could play this goodness on a glossy, overpriced machine”? If you have thought about any of these questions in your fruitful existence, consider yourself a buyer of TNA Impact: The Video Game. To be honest, I have grown tired of World Wrestling Entertainment and their entire video game series. Sure, they have passable graphics, but as a young man, I want video game man sweat to be as realistic as possible. Also, they may boast an impressive roster but I can only play as Michelle McCool for so many times before I question my life. This year, I’m ready to spread my wings of love for something new. Yeah, that’s right. I got myself some wings of love. What do you have? Nothing.

Popular video game sites will try to play up TNA Impact: The Video Game as the greatest wrestling title of all-time. On the other hand, this is The Swerved, the one site that tells it like it is. The last thing that this blog would do is lie to you; it would never even think of it. Just give The Swerved a chance to make you happy. The Swerved does not love you; it is in love with you. Now, take The Swerved’s hand into the meadow of happiness.


Features
Match Types
The following match types will make you go, “Wow, those are match types, all right."

Singles Match
Two grapplers battle it out amidst a group of clueless Universal Studios tourists.

Tag Team Match
Two teams fight for the right to tag team dissension.

X-Division Match
Two to sixty small guys trade flips for five minutes while Kurt Angle wanders backstage in his banana hammock with hilarious results.

X-Division Gauntlet
Two to sixty small guys trade flips for five minutes in an over-the-top-rope battle royal. The remaining two competitors get the opportunity to trade flips in a more intimate setting.

Xscape the Cage Match
Two wrestlers attempt to Xscape the steel cage which surrounds the six-sided ring. To “Xscape” a steel cage is a climb out of it with the assistance of a dirt bike and a bottle of Mountain Dew to the sound of non-threatening, high energy, royalty-free stock music.

Monster’s Ball
Four wrestlers hit each other with garbage cans and flimsy wooden tables to infuriate garbage can manufacturers and sensitive woodworking teachers from high school.

Reverse Battle Royal
Twenty to thirty wrestlers (X-Division or normal-sized) duke it out in an over-the-top rope contest. The two remaining wrestlers must say something nice about each other or they won’t get any ice cream after the show.

King of the Mountain
Do you love to put up Christmas lights in the freezing cold? The King of the Mountain ladder match allows you to climb a ladder and put a championship belt on a hook because it‘s the logical thing to do. Fun, right?

Reverse Cage Match
Ten wrestlers punch and kick each other at ringside in a sloppy manner. The first two wrestlers to climb up and over the cage wall and touch both feet on the canvas get to wrestle in a bout in which the first wrestler to escape the cage and touch both feet on the ringside mat gets to wrestle the wrestlers on the outside of the cage. Next, the next three wrestlers that can climb back into the ring and touch both feet on the canvas gains the opportunity to fight the loser of the first stage of the Reverse Cage Match. Then, the four wrestlers inside of the cage have to climb out of the ring and back fifty times. The first wrestler to do this task fifty times wins the chance to travel to the ends of the Earth in search of four golden pieces of the broken amulet of Aaarsgaard, the Norse God of Simplicity.

Reserve Match Match
Two wrestlers begin in the pinfall position. The first wrestler to exit the ring and walk to the back in a backwards fashion wins.

Venues
This fall or the next fall or the subsequent fall after that one, TNA Impact: The Video Game puts the wrestling fan in realistic venues around the world. Hone your grappling skills in North America; venture to the Far East and become an elite high flyer; take your bags to Europe and transform yourself into a feared submission specialist; or, go down to South America for a experimental change of gender. The choice is yours, Player 1 or Player 2.

Impact Zone (Orlando, Florida) *
The current home of Total Nonstop Action. Jonny Fairplay stops by sometimes. Just ignore him. Don’t turn on the lights. He will go away.

The Asylum (Nashville, Tennessee) *
The original home of Total Nonstop Action. Get nostalgic for the days when you had to pay ten dollars to see Jeff Jarrett.

Tokyo Dome (Tokyo, Japan) *
Don’t fear the silence of the passionate Japanese crowd. They are simply horrified at your American ways.

Gwinnett Center (Atlanta, Georgia) *
Taint the memories of WCW’s former fanbase forever with a visit to their stomping grounds.

Madison Square Garden (New York, New York) *
Madison Square Garden, I say? Don’t you dare question it. With TNA Impact: The Video Game, some woman named Madison will let you wrestle in her garden that is in the vague shape of a square. Enjoy.

*subject to change to non-existence

Roster
Midway’s TNA Impact: The Video Game boasts an enormous roster of twenty wrestlers. I don’t know even how to count to twenty. In school, when my third grade teacher would ask each student to count to one hundred for some reason, I would start to do The Robot after nineteen. At first, the teacher said, “What the heck are you doing?” In response, I continued to do The Robot. Eventually, the teacher gave me an A and unlimited use of the Apple II. In other words, twenty wrestlers is a lot of wrestlers.

Take this roster and love it, Smackdown vs. RAW. You may have Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena, The Undertaker, Edge, Randy Orton, Batista, Big Show, Umaga, Chris Jericho, JBL, Finlay, Finlay’s son, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, MVP, CM Punk, Kane, and the immortal Michelle McCool, but TNA Impact: The Video Game has Eric Young. Suck on those suckers, suckas.

TNA Impact: The Video Game Official Roster:

- Kurt Angle (Finisher: Angle Slam)
- Karen Angle (Finisher: Angle Slam)
- Kira Angle (Finisher: Canadian Destroyer)
- Samoa Joe (Finisher: Muscle Buster)
- AJ Styles (Finisher: Styles Clash)
- Tomko (Finisher: Angle Slam)
- Christian Cage (Finisher: Unprettier)
- Rhyno (Finisher: Canadian Destroyer)
- Homicide (Finisher: Gringo Killer)
- Hernandez (Finisher: Canadian Destroyer)
- Alex Shelley (Finisher: Being in Doghouse)
- Chris Sabin (Finisher: Cradle Shock)
- Petey Williams (Finisher: Angle Slam)
- Scott Steiner (Finisher: Canadian Destroyer)
- Jay Lethal (Finisher: Top Rope Elbow Drop)
- Jeff Jarrett: 'Bringing TNA to Hulk Hogan' Version (Finisher: Absurd Claim)
- Mike Tenay (Finisher: Shouting)
- Don West (Finisher: Shouting)
- Jeremy Borash (Finisher: Having Bug Eyes)
- Jumper: The Total Nonstop Kangaroo (Finisher: Canadian Destroyer into Angle Slam into Canadian Destroyer)


Controls
Midway’s TNA Impact: The Video Game has revolutionary controls which rival those of the most popular games today. As a wrestling video gamer, you might enjoy such luxuries as manual camera control and the ability to move your wrestler out of the ring, but TNA Impact: The Video Game is years ahead of its time. Be prepared for the “Super-Fixed Camera,” a camera which gives you the action continents away from the almost-appears-to-be-a-stop-sign circle. Let’s pretend you have selected to wrestle at the Impact Zone. Once you choose your wrestler and your opponent, the super-fixed camera will position itself in Cairo, Egypt rather than the bland Impact Zone. Why know what you’re doing on the screen when you can watch sand blow over more sand in a dry climate for hours on end? In addition, “In-Ring Play” constricts the match within the six-sided ring. You don’t want to go outside anyway. It’s not that interesting, really. According to numerous research sessions held by TNA representatives, video game players don’t want to roam anywhere they wish. If anything, they prefer claustrophobic spaces (TNA’s research concluded that the best multiplayer map for Halo 3, Bungie Studios’ megahit shooter, was a crawlspace). Since Midway and TNA desires to give the fans what they like, TNA Impact: The Video Game lets you compete as if you are stuck inside of a crawlspace.

In addition, TNA Impact: The Video Game utilizes various control schemes that are specific to each next generation console. Whether you own an XBOX 360, a PS3, or a Nintendo Wii, TNA Impact: The Video Game has the controls for you. Just so TNA is aware, you don’t mind having multiple surgeries to fix future carpal tunnel injuries, do you? You don’t? Great.

TNA Impact: The Video Game for the XBOX 360 emphasizes tag team wrestling with the ability to fight your partner at any time. In the long run, every ally becomes an enemy. Why wait to murder them?

TNA Impact: The Video Game for the PlayStation 3 uses the six-axis control scheme to Cross the Line. How do you Cross the Line? You have a line, then you cross it. What a fool, you are.

TNA Impact: The Video Game for the Nintendo Wii employs the family friendly Wiimote and Nunchuck to fit your simple video gaming needs. Use Mike Tenay and Don West as your guides into the marvelous world of physical activity.

Audio
For the benefit of those with high quality speakers, TNA Impact: The Video Game is brought to you in both mono and stereo (where available). Get ready to hear the realistic bone-crunching, hard-hitting sounds of TNA. You will never hear a pin drop with TNA Impact: The Video Game for TNA’s fantastic announce team will make sure to narrate the pin drop for you. Hear the deafening boos, the boisterous cheers, and the toe-tapping rhythm of TNA’s entrance theme catalogue. From the white noise of the Motor City Machine Guns to the angelic anthem of Sting, Midway’s upcoming release has just what the doctor orders you to listen to in his sketchy doctor’s office. Will your doctor prescribe TNA Impact: The Video Game for all your aural needs? If they won’t, get a new doctor. Seriously.


Graphics
Trust me on this one, loyal readers. The graphics for TNA Impact: The Video Game are outstanding. The three-dimensional wrestler models are the best that professional wrestling video games have to offer in the next generation. The wrestlers look the part, act the part, and most of all sweat the part. While you’re playing, it will feel as though you are watching an actual TNA Impact broadcast. You know how editions of TNA Impact have adequate production values but still look like they occur in the haze of a smoky alcoholic’s basement? If you can’t get enough of TNA’s upbeat atmosphere, TNA Impact: The Video Game duplicates the unique aura with precision.

Before you line up to buy a game that doesn’t come out for another four to five months, let me warn you that at this point in the production, the trail blazing graphics for the Midway title are incomplete. Although the game is not finished, don’t worry. Video game developers and publishers prefer to frequently delay for minor tweaks and upgrades. For instance, TNA Impact: The Video Game has only been delayed two to three times. You may think that’s two to three times many, but don’t worry. When the game comes out, you will be content. You will not be suspicious about the delays, nor will you be skeptical about the noticeable absence of finished footage available to avid players right now. Go out and spend a day in the sun. By the time you come back, TNA Impact: The Video Game will be ready and waiting for you, unless it is delayed again. Though, don’t worry. I’m sure Midway is up to amazing things.


Look, TNA Impact: The Video Game does not have any background graphics as of yet, but they’re working on it. Come on. Don’t be so hard on the makers of the game. They’re trying. Why don’t you picture a bunch of fans cheering instead? See, that’s not so bad. Also, picture some signs. A bunch of signs with clever catchphrases on them such as “Total Nonstop Angle“ and “Samoa Jo” with the letter E missing because the sign maker forgot to include it on the sign. If you don’t care for these visuals, make up your own. I don’t know. Make up something. Midway is not going to do it for you. What does Midway look like to you? Your parental guardian? Anyway, don’t be afraid to visualize some scenery. In the background, pretend that a scantily clad, attractive woman wishes to have sex on you. Yes, go ahead and make that magic happen, Merlin the Magnificent.

The Buzz
I’m not going to sugarcoat the early reception for Midway’s gam, so I will declare the following: initial reviews claim that TNA Impact: The Video Game is the cure for every incurable disease known to modern man. If you find yourself in a life-threatening motor vehicle accident in the near to distant future, play TNA Impact: The Video Game and your crippling neck, back, and head injuries will subside. If you are in dire need of a kidney or heart transplant, put TNA Impact: The Video Game in your console and a fully functional kidney and or heart will start to grow inside your body. If you are in great debt in the hundred-thousand-dollar range, TNA Impact: The Video Game can’t help you. For your edutainment, TNA Impact: The Video Game is not a miracle worker.


Praise on, random reviewers.
Release Date
May 2008 September 2008 January 2009 In Our Lifetime, Hopefully, With Fingers Crossed

The Verdict: Sell your body for this game. Once you sell your body, everybody wins.